Always confused:

[Zaliel]

Hi,

I am new on the forums, but I finally decided that it was time to find out who I really am. I have crossdressed many times, I am 20 years old, but it is different than simply sexual gratification. Especially when I first started, I would feel these urges to crossdress even when I knew normally I wouldn't want to, but now even when those urges go away, I still want to dress like a women. More recently I will look into the mirror and I think I look hideous which is because I am a man. I don't think I was born in the wrong body although. I am not really sure who I am or what I want to be. Does anyone have any advice or help for me? I would really appreciate anything help or feedback because I am so confused and lost, and I am at the point where I cannot handle it anymore.

Thanks,

M

[Anita]

Hi M—
That’s a tough one, given what you’ve said.

but it is different than simply sexual gratification.

So that’s not a strong motivation, even if it’s there in some way.

but now even when those urges go away, I still want to dress like a women.

So it isn’t all sexual, and whatever the main urge is, there is still motivation to dress even when the main urge is gone.

I don't think I was born in the wrong body although. I am not really sure who I am or what I want to be.

So although it’s not primarily sexual, it doesn’t seem to be about really wanting to be a woman, either.

I’m sorry you’re feeling confused and lost right now. All I can really do is just say, “I hear you” at this point, and let you know that you’re not totally alone.

It sounds like your motivation for this is coming from a source that you can’t recognize at all, and that is confusing. Knowing why we do this doesn’t automatically take away the pain or confusion, but it can help. Talking about this with people who know about it, and who are close to where you live, comes down to two choices: a therapist or a support group.

At 20, you may not be paying for your own insurance. I know at least one person who’s reluctant to get help, because his parents are going to want to know, “What’s this about?” But I think when it comes to counseling, the therapist does not have to spell out the exact reason you are there. You'll need to check on that.

Support groups aren’t therapists. I know from my own experience, though, that listening to others tell their stories helps you fill in missing pieces of your own. You hear a speaker, and you think, “Oh, I understand what’s he’s talking about there! That’s how I feel!” I learned a lot in the three meetings I went to when I was scared and confused. Enough that I could go it alone for awhile, and figure out what my next step was going to be. I didn't have to go dressed as a woman, either. I would hope that no open-to-all support group ever requires that.

Welcome to the forum, by the way. You can post an introduction in “New Members,” and say hello.

[Anthony Simon]

Hello Zaliel. Welcome. It sounds as though the CDing is only part of what confuses you. But this place exists (partly) to help people work out just how they relate to their CDing, so that's OK. A lot of what you're experiencing - the confusion - probably relates to what a lot of people go through around teenage (I mean I know that strictly speaking you're out of that, but still). Like those questions about "who am I?" etc.

My feeling is you kind of need a hand to hold. If you want people here to try to act in that way, that would be fine. I think a lot of these things tend to sort themselves out in time, so long as you've got someone to talk to about them.

The thing about you looking in the mirror and deciding you look horrible as a man sounds a bit like what happens to teenage girls - Like they just think they look awful (often) - because of skin problems or whatever - when they don't really. I don't want to belittle it, maybe it's not that. But that's what comes into my head.

With me, I sometimes feel the CDing is trying to fill up a gap from the rest of my life. Do you think that might be happening with you?

[Zaliel]

Thank you both for your replies,

The way you guys wording everything helps me think and although I am still confused, I think I am considering going to a therapist. I really appreciate the time and effort you guys put into your posts. This helps me feel like I am not alone, and I really am glad that I feel less alone. It's hard having this deep secret that no one on the outside world knows about. I think once I truly understand what I want and who I am, I will be able to include people in that part of my life. For now, a therapist will probably be the best like was suggested. Again I really appreciate your posts, thank you

M

[DonnaT]

Hi Zaliel (M), to the forum.

Your therapist, and sometimes us, can help you determine who you are, but that is for you to decide. Nobody can tell you.

You'll need to be completely honest with the therapist, or they won't be able to provide the right help/guidance.

You said:

I would feel these urges to crossdress even when I knew normally I wouldn't want to, but now even when those urges go away, I still want to dress like a women.

Nothing wrong with that. At times I'll have an urge (unconscious push) to dress, and other times, that push isn't there but I dress anyway. Why? Because I like the way the clothes feel.

Since this urge is something we seem to be born with, then there should be no stigma of shame or guilt attached to it. We just have to learn to accept it. Think of it as a nonreturnable gift

[Davita]

Zaliel,

Since you mentioned a therapist, I just want to mention that not just any therapist will do. You should find one that has experience with transgendered people. In addition, you don't want one that will want to cure you of your identity crisis, but will work with you to define it and help you deal with it. Not every doctor thinks about us girls the same way.

Now, my personal advise which is free and therefore equally free to ignore.... Don't get all worked up over what's going on with you. You are young and you have plenty of time to sort it out along with all the other kinks, burps, bumps in the upcoming years that life will gladly share with you. In between all the confusion, take a minute to enjoy the times that are truly enjoyable -- dressed, not dressed, sorta dressed -- a good time is a good time.

[Kimberly Kael]

I am new on the forums, but I finally decided that it was time to find out who I really am.

I'm glad you took the time to write. Welcome! This was certainly the first forum I found where I could get comfortable sharing my toughest as I began to get some idea of what my path might be.

I have crossdressed many times, I am 20 years old, but it is different than simply sexual gratification.

That's an indication, but I suspect it's not as strong an indicator as some of the psychiatric community would like to believe. An astonishing number of behaviors that society frowns upon seem to get cross-wired with sexuality until you begin to understand them better. Just the feeling of "getting away with something" seems to be inherently exciting, possibly because that's the way sexuality is also treated and so they wind up being lumped together in a corner of our mind reserved for private self-expression. So I wouldn't put too much stock in that aspect, though it's interesting to contemplate.

More recently I will look into the mirror and I think I look hideous which is because I am a man. I don't think I was born in the wrong body although. I am not really sure who I am or what I want to be.

Self-image can be a significant problem for anybody, regardless of gender or gender identity. Advertising focuses so heavily on perceived shortcomings in order to sell supposed solutions that it's wonder we aren't all even more depressed about our lives! I do know where you're coming from because, while I always thought I did okay in the appearance gene pool lottery, I did always find myself drawn to a softer, more feminine form of self expression. Some people overcompensate with hyper masculine pursuits but I found comfort in androgyny instead, which I think helped me avoid confronting the feelings for as long as I did. I had enough of an outlet in silky clothing, long hair, and a soft-spoken nature that I got by for a long time.

Although I've cross-dressed since I had any access to feminine clothing and underdressed since I started buying clothes for myself, I didn't think of myself as female for a very long time. After all, the overwhelming signals from society were that I had no choice whatsoever in the matter. How I felt was irrelevant, was what I heard, my sex was predetermined and that was that.

Does anyone have any advice or help for me? I would really appreciate anything help or feedback because I am so confused and lost, and I am at the point where I cannot handle it anymore.

I'm sure you'll get lots of advice, all well-meaning, but also largely contradictory and hard to apply in practice. I agree that finding a good therapist can help, but it can be hard to find the right one. The best ones don't have answers, but rather questions that allow you to learn more about yourself, your motivations, and what makes you happy and comfortable. Ultimately, I think that's what's worth focusing on: what will give you the most comfortable, rewarding life in the long run. It might be pushing gender boundaries in private, or on vacations, or with a close confidante. It might be living somewhere in between genders. Or it might lead to living 24/7 in a new gender that suits you better. The first group of options is relatively low risk if you're single but gets a lot trickier with a spouse or children. The latter two up the ante significantly and entail some non-trivial life-altering risks.

I took that transition path after years of introspection, multiple week-long getaways en femme to see what that experience was like, a lot of slow drift into progressively more feminine expression in all aspects of my life, some incredibly hard heart-to-heart conversations with my amazingly supportive wife, and a year of therapy to make sure I understood my own motivations before going public about my intentions.

Open, honest self-expression can be hugely rewarding but you have to be absolutely honest with yourself about the implications. You have no direct say in how other people perceive you, so you need to be prepared to deal with the reality of what it means to be transgendered. It affects everything from casual to intimate relationships in a pretty profound way, and it does impact your career prospects regardless of what anyone says. In the best case you're treated like any other woman but spend enough time talking to women about what that entails and you'll doubtless get some new perspective. Then there's the complications of a history you can never erase, government paperwork that may tell an incomplete or inconsistent story, etc. There are a lot of things to be said for the remarkable experience I've enjoyed but I would never, ever describe it as convenient. I also wouldn't make a different decision given the chance to go back and do it all over again. I made the right decision for me and I took my time doing it. I hope you find enough insights and friends here to help you make the right decision for yourself as well.