Intro-variety or "Hi,I am NOT hetero/homo/gay/lesbian&q

[Xenia]

Hi all,

this struck me again, when reading entries in the intro-forum:

Why does it seem so important to some CDs, even when introducing themselves to each others (i.e. here), to make a statement about their sexual preference? No, what struck me is actually, that it is always a statement about a NON-preference, i.e. usually in a negative and exclusive form: "I am NOT xyz", most often right in the first mail

Now you can insert instead of xyz – yes, what?
Right! You got it: Most often it is "gay", followed occasionally by "bi".

But never ever anybody introduced hirself with for example "Hi, bla-bla-bla, and I am NOT hetero".
Or for that matter and to not exclude anybody "Hi, bla-bla-bla, and I am NOT asexual"

Why would the statement of being something definitely NOT so important. I mean, even in a place like here where gender variance is the topic, not sexuality (links between both not withstanding)


If I feel "like a woman" (whatever ...), while being biologically male, am I male-hetero or rather homo (i.e. "male-lesbian").
Probably I am both, then?
And why would any such statement matter here?

So, for those who miss it, from me – with apologies - a late addition to my intro, in the usual negative, exclusive form:

"Hi, as a feminine-feeling being I am not hetero,
and as a male being I am not gay"

If sexuality matters at all here, why not defining oneself by what one prefers, instead of what one does NOT prefer?

Best

Xenia

[Anita]

Hi Xenia--
That's an interesting point. I have noticed the tendency, but really thought little of it. It is a very common thing to see in ads advertising for musicians, too. People often advertise about the music they DON'T want to play, before they go on to say what they do like.

I want to preface any remarks by saying that I'm a bisexual CD, and work with gay men both in music and in transgender support. I'm comfortable with the different lifestyles here. However--I live in a little bubble called San Francisco. I'm very much aware that much of the general populace does not have a favorable attitude toward either CDs or different sexual orientation. They often lump the two together, too, making for a double whammy on CDs.

So without thinking about it, maybe new CDs are reflecting these attitudes. They're just starting to accept themselves as a CD for the first time. It's tough enough to do that, without also taking on another outsider stance at the same time. After they've posted on here for awhile, they realize that we are NOT the general public, and they don't have to prove anything one way or another to us. But they're still dealing with the baggage that other people put on us when they first come here.

Sometimes I still catch myself being angry about the way the public thinks of us, but my anger doesn't do anyone much good. I keep trying to see the glass as half-full. The more people who meet us and talk to us, the better it gets for us all. Sometimes when I'm talking to people, I can see a light bulb go on. They realize, "Hey, I'm enjoying talking to this person." They forget about being wary and suspicious, and the conversation is fun for both of us. That's what I try to remember, day-to-day.

[Stephanie W]

Xenia

That's an interesting observation. I think Anita was right when she said:

So without thinking about it, maybe new CDs are reflecting these attitudes. They're just starting to accept themselves as a CD for the first time. It's tough enough to do that, without also taking on another outsider stance at the same time. After they've posted on here for awhile, they realize that we are NOT the general public, and they don't have to prove anything one way or another to us. But they're still dealing with the baggage that other people put on us when they first come here.

I think part of the reason has to do with one being not quite at that point of self acceptance. By that I mean, while they maybe coming to terms with this phenomena (or maybe not) many TG folks are also feeling stigmatized by what the general populace thinks about us. We have a natural desire to be accepted and fit in, but know that society does not yet fully accept us for what we are. So we have this inherent defence mechanism that automatically kicks in whenever we venture into the unknown. Human nature, that's all.

As Anita also alluded to, once we feel comfortable in an accepting environment, we feel more apt to shed that 'mask' we are used to carrying around in our birth gender world. That's all part of acceptance and feeling better about ourselves.

I'm confident that as society gets more accustomed to us, (whether they like it or not ) we'll have less need to preempt our introductions with the "I'm not gay" soliloquy. To get to that point though, we have to take every opportunity to educate the masses and that responsibility falls to every one of us. The conflict though is that in dispelling that myth, our very first lesson usually begins with, "Most crossdressers are not gay", so go figure. In time, I really believe we'll get to a point where we won't need to explain ourselves except to tell them, "I'm a proud, happy transgendered person - aren't I lucky? Maybe someday, huh? That's how I feel now but being able to tell the world without being judged?......

Stephanie

[Beauty]

Hi,

I agree with everyone else, nice thread Xenia!! It's good to see you back!

I always thought people were saying that in a way that was kind of saying, "I'm not gay" when they'd say the were hetero. Or bi-sexual people were saying, "I'm not gay" and gay people were saying, "So what? I'm gay."

So there only seemed to be one proud group in there. Still that's an awesome observation Xenia. Thanks for starting this thread. I can't wait to read more of what others think too.

[Virginia]

When I went to the "Night of Elegance" put on by Roanoke Pride, the local Gay and Lesbian organization. First, they all knew I was a male dressed as a woman, not that I would not have passed under "ordinary" circumstances, (which I did when I walked into the hotel bar and was "oogled" by several "bar flies") anyway, why would a straight female be at their dinner dance??? I danced with several guys and I was never asked if I was straight or not and I never offered. I was apporached with simple requests, " Would you like to dance?" or "Would you dance with me?" Even slow dancing the guys were perfect gentlemen, not groping or inappropriate touching!!!
The other night at The Park, our local "alternative lifestyle" hangout, a guy came up to me and said "Hi" and like a lady, I smiled and said "hello." He seemed somewhat nervous, but final he said, "You are so pretty, can I ask you a question?" "Sure," I replied. He again sort of hemmed and hawed then said, "Well I will be blunt! What are you (Not who, but "what.") I just reached out and touched his cheek and said, "Honey, I am just your garden variety crossdresser!" "OH?! Well your damn good at it!!" and off he went. Now what he was looking for, well, it was an alternative lifestyle bar and he was a man - DUH!!!!
As for screaming to the world who I am - I live on the basis of "need to know." and move on!
Virginia

[Absaroka]

Although I am out to only one person in f2f land I sometimes talk to people about CDing in general. The general public perception of Cding is the gay drag queen. None of which describes me. But I imagine if I ever got around to coming out to my wife her first question would be if after all these years together I was telling her I was bisexual.

BTW the origins of the term out have to do with coming out of the closet where you got dressed. A CD term taken over by the gay community, which is fine.

Andrea

[Xenia]

Wow, great answers and further observations. And a nice and telling story from Virginia

I'll come back soon

Xenia