Out of the closet–a bit…

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

It’s the question I’ve been both anticipating and dreading for a long time.

I had my weekly Pilates workout this morning, where I usually banter with my instructor, C., during the session. We’ve talked about a lot things—her frequently changing nail color, her psycho puppy—and last fall she saw photos of my “Halloween costume.” More recently she was a bit amused when I got my toenails painted during a pedicure, but said I if wanted to paint my nails I shouldn’t worry about what other people thought about it. Today, I was wearing gym pants instead of the usual loose-fitting tights, and during some of the exercises the pant legs slid down exposing my legs with a bit of razor stubble.

So when I mentioned that I’d gone out to a drag show with a friend last weekend, I guess C. put two and two together. “I bet you like to do drag pretty regularly,” she said.

Gulp. Pause.

There are others who know “the real me” and know that I’m crossdresser—store clerks who seen my male name on the credit card, a few people I’ve met through crossdressing circles. But C. would be the first person from my “ordinary” life to know.

“Yes, yes I do,” I said, trying my best to sound nonchalant about it. “Except that I’m not really a drag queen, I’m what’s called a crossdresser.” From there it was the expected questions—what was the difference between the two, what was my sexual orientation, did my family know, and of course: why? I told her that we crossdressers had spent a lot of time trying to figure that out ourselves and that no one was sure, but gave her a quick summary of my thoughts about it.

I mentioned how the vast majority of us cower in the closet and C.’s reaction was “What are they afraid of, why shouldn’t they be themselves?” It turns out C. once worked with a butch lesbian who transitioned. We talked about why female-to-male crossdressers are pretty rare, and how crossdressing relates to the (unfortunately) still unequal social status between men and women.

The session ended with C. saying she wanted to talk more about it next time and also that she wanted to see more of my photos. (Yes, C. does know the way to a crossdressers’s heart.)

All-in-all, it was weirdly anti-climatic. Mainly I was just thinking how nice it was to no longer need to compartmentalize my life when talking to C. Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see what our next talk is like.

[Hayley]

Wow, such open conversation is wonderfully fulfilling isn't it? Sounds like it has been a positive experience for you Marlena. All from exposing the toes and the legs (you daredevil!!! LOL)

Enjoy the next chat session with C. You'll have to let us know what you talked about and her perspective of it all.

Kinda makes ones day and lifts ones spirits really.

[Virginia]

Marlena,
Hi Hon, I am so glad that you were put in this situation and you responded like we would have wanted you to. You are a good ambassador for us and the nicest thing - you have probably made a new friend, something we can all use. Someone that accepts us for who we are and likes to spend time with us. I hope this does become a friendship and she can introduce you to her friends. You know as well as I we are nice folks and the sharing is just makes it that much nicer!
Congratulations.
Love,
Virginia

[Laycee]

WTG Marlena!

This is the almost the type of situation I need to be in to out myself. A situation where it is brought up by myself but by others. I don't think I'll be able to start the "hey I'm a crossdresser" conversation but if it gets started by something else (ie a movie, tv show, etc...) then that would make it easier for me. It's all part of that timing issue I am having.

yeah yeah...the sooner the better! i know

[Maria]

Hi Marlena!

I think it's wonderful that you had an opportunity to turn a negative situation into a positive one!

Earlier this year, I went to San Jose and saw a wonderful Beethoven Center inside the large library of the local university. This place was dedicated to the studies and history of Beethoven. The historian in charge of the center made no comments about my appearance as Maria; he treated me with respect like anyone else. We both enjoyed talking about the history of classical music. Going out and about in public places as Maria and learning more about the beauty of classical music was a enjoyable experience for myself.

Maria

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Thanks all. It is a nice feeling.

Actually, it would've been a lot harder if I had to start "the conversation." Which is why I think I've been unconsciously doing things over the last few months to force the issue. (I've talked with Helen Boyd about this and she says she's seen it happen a bit.) Things like:

- Leaving the house en femme. It's only a short distance to the car and I do wait until the street's quiet, but it's entirely possible I've been seen.

- Showing my "Halloween costume" photo to people I know. Which was very intentional as a safe(r) way to gauge people's reactions, plus I do eventually come out to them, the image they'll have in their minds isn't me in a bad wig and worse make-up.

- Being upfront about being a CD when I've interacted with people while I was out. (They don't know my guy-self and I'll probably never see them again, so it was more comfortable to do.) Maria, I had similar experiences while out, and that's undoubtedly played a part in me becoming more comfortable with people knowing.

So I'd given it a lot of thought and was already at the point of "I'm not going to advertise it, but if someone asks, I won't deny it." (And I'd also vowed that if I got serious in a relationship, I'd disclose it.)

In fact I'd done sort of a dress rehearsal last Saturday night at the bar where the drag show was. Both bartenders do drag every once in a while and one of them was showing my friend his pictures. So I took the opportunity to say, that while I wasn't a DQ, I was a CD and showed him a photo that's on my cell. It was a "safe" way of practicing, since 1) the bartenders weren't going to make a big deal of my CDing, 2) they might have know my face, but they didn't know my name, and 3) the bar is up in SF so I wasn't like I was going to run into them on the street.

I did mention to C. that she was the first person I'd told about my CDing, so I assume she'll be discrete -- but I'm prepared to live with the consequences if she's not. Someone I know professionally with also works out with her, so there is a real possibility of her finding out if C. decides to gossip. And frankly one factor that's slowed me coming out is the fact that a number my friends work in the same field, so there's the fear in the back of my mind that it could hurt me professionally. (It's small world in that sense.) But I guess I've gotten to the point where I'm willing to let the chips fall where they may.

Anyway, like I said, it'll be interesting to see what happens.

[Anita]

Hi Marlena--
That's a cheerful post to read, and lifts my spirits. There is a risk, if C knows others, but she sounds like a person who respects personal information. It is a very good thing to be "rehearsing" your reactions to situations like this one, because it gives you room to improvise and be on top of it.

My customer today was in Piedmont, which is the mover-and-shaker community on this side of the bay. He asked me how I got into the flooring trade, and I told him that I started out with another musician in a move to get out of temp work and handyman jobs. One thing lead to another, and I told him that I was still working in a novelty band. He was amused at the concept, and said, "... But I don't know how you'd look in a dress!" I laughed and said, "It doesn't work so well for patching your floor." He grinned, and said he'd be upstairs working for awhile.

At the end of the hour, we settled the bill, and I said, "Here's some pictures of the act." He looked them over and said, "Wow, can I take this one?" I said sure, and then I packed up and waved goodbye. We build up good will brick by brick with this life style! I'm glad you're finding a way to keep climbing with it, and may we all continue to do so.

Note: I don't want to hijack your thread, M. This little incident happened today, and it had some similiarities to your post. I recognize it's easier to "come out" when one is doing a specific job that requires dressing. Yet I also deal with coming out to people just by being who I am, walking into the bank. So I can appreciate what you and the other repliers (can't access them on an edit!) are doing when you just say to people, "This is who I am." Yay!

[Stephanie W]

Nice story there Marlena. It's amazing how so many of us are looking for ways to out ourselves to the world. I think that speaks to the progress we are feeling is slowly taking place where we feel more comfortable sharing this part of us with more of the people in our lives. Good for you that you had an opportunity to share that with your instructor but there is the caveat that reminds us to still be careful in who we tell if public knowledge is not something we are ready for. If you are, then good for you, and as you said, let the chips fall where they may.

Keep us updated on any ongoing discussion with C. One more educated person makes the world that much better for all of us.

Stephanie

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

there is the caveat that reminds us to still be careful in who we tell if public knowledge is not something we are ready for. If you are, then good for you, and as you said, let the chips fall where they may.

Well, as I said, I was at point where I was ready to not deny it any more, so I'm ready for whatever comes. Admittedly, living in the San Francisco Bay area, most people aren't likely to freak out.

Anita, I'm glad to hear about your own "coming out" tale. If enough pebbles move, we'll have an avalanche.

So to quote what a friend of mine wrote me today:

Everyone should practice coming out to people who don't really a give a **** - people at the Mac counter (when you are en femme and purchasing with a credit card), gay guys, drag queens, most females, people you will never meet again. When you all have practised that conversation, along with the anonymous hanging out in museums, movie theaters and the like; then tell people you know. The more people you tell, whether in the first group or the second group, the more confident you will become and the more you will find that people really aren't bothered and will appreciate your honesty.

[Becky]

sounds like youve found an accepting friend, Marlena. Thats terrific!