How long will this last?

Jill S · Post by **Jill S** » Sun Jan 21, 2007 11:19 am

I came out to my wife in October. We are both starting to calm down and talk about the limits and what we both can live with; she isn't ready to see me dressed, I would like a few dresses in my size in the closet not hided away, both of us want to keep this far away from our daughter for now.
Anyway I am finding that this openess has lead me to dress more! I under dress, hose and camis under my work cloths, painting my toenails. I know others have said this can happen but I really thought I was setteled into my once or twice a week very privet sessions. I find I'm looking at how women us makeup and wear jewlery more, thing I never thought of doing myself but now I keep wondering what it would be like. I guess I'm looking for input on how this usually goes. Will I likely go back to my old ways or does this new freedom make me want to dress to a "higher level" ? I know about baby steps and all but this question is more about how confused I feel, why do I need more suddenly?

Jill

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sun Jan 21, 2007 3:05 pm

I would imagine that we each have individual responses to this and move at our own pace to our own destination. Which is a real non answer.

However I would say that if you stay in touch with all your feelings, not only about yourself but about others, that this will provide guidance. It may be that once the dam is broken the flood will subside. Or not. I'm not sure there is a "right" amount here.

Absaroka

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Jan 21, 2007 9:34 pm

Hi Jill,
These are the feelings that you should discuss with your SO. You write that she is not ready to see you dressed. Does she know you dress and if so to what extent? You may need to find out from her how much she knows and how she feels about it. Probably the last thing that you need is to "get caught" right now, especially if she does not want to see "Jill." If on the other hand she knows that you are dressing, you may want to pose some very light questions to her, like "If I paint my nails should my toes and fingers be the same color?" or "should I wear a necklace in or out if I wear a turtle neck, cowl neck or mock turtle neck." Things that you may know the answer to but still seek her input. I would steer clear of the more intimate questions, like, make-up tips or should bra and panties match or what color hose goes with what skirts! You know her far better than any of us, so it still holds, "baby steps, honey, baby steps"
Please keep us posted on how you are doing and remember, those SO's who are at least willing to keep an open mind, can ask the hard question, "what's in it for me?" You best have a good answer!
Love,
Virginia

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 7:46 am

Virginia wrote:remember, those SO's who are at least willing to keep an open mind, can ask the hard question, "what's in it for me?" You best have a good answer!
Love,
Virginia

As an SO the answer I can give on most days (note the phrase most days) is that I have a partner/or partners who are at peace with themselves.

Somedays are not like that but those days are getting fewer and further apart thankfully

Jess

Jill S · Post by **Jill S** » Tue Jan 23, 2007 7:40 am

Jess, I read your reply in the other section. I hope it's only a small bump in the road for you. May I be rude and ask how long you have know about your partners CDing ? After 3 months I'm still feeling guilty enough that I tiptoe around the subject with my wife. I did remove nail polish in front of her the other night. I ask her first if it was OK, but still felt like I was doing something wrong. I know there is no fixed timeline for how fast we both get comfertable with this, but I hate the space it has put between us so far. Jill

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Tue Jan 23, 2007 9:58 am

Jill -

You mentioned that your wife isn't ready to see you dressed, yet you took off your nail polish in front of her. Sorry, hon, but that's part of being 'dressed' so it's no wonder that she wasn't too happy with you, even if you did ask her first. You pushed her into a corner . . . if she had said no, an argument may have begun and she didn't want that, even though she really did not want to see you removing your nail polish. So, she allowed you to do that, all the while she was probably cringing or screaming in her mind.

You need to have a heart-to-heart discussion with her, and come up with some acceptable boundaries regarding dressing and under-dressing, and what she is/is not ready to see . . . such as your nail polish. While it may seem like such a little thing to you, it's a very big thing for her and you need to back-off and give her room to breath. Do not issue any ultimatums, either, nor do you give in to them . . . compromise is the key, and that *is* a two-way street!!

Remember our Golden Rule: Baby steps, honey. Baby steps.

- SL

Jamie Sue · Post by **Jamie Sue** » Tue Jan 23, 2007 1:46 pm

Jill S.

For some it may take years to come to an understanding, I myself am just starting to understand the "bigger picture" here. I did all the wrong things when I came out to my wife, (I was using her old make-up, smeared a small amount on the sink, she saw, wanted to know who the other woman was, Bam, I was caught

) at first anger

, then understanding

, she started looking into her past feelings and experience

, (she was on her own roller coaster ride) thought I was excepted

, started buying underwear, bras, breast forums, clothes, etc. Have not worn anything in front of her except under my male attire, I know that she knows. Have had a couple of arguments

(small one’s about understanding and such) I feel sometimes that she grows distant from me and then back again just as close if not closer, then last Friday we get into a discussion about my thing (that is what she calls it) and she say’s that she understood the underwear, but the bras and everything else are still a mystery to her. She even mentioned small steps. Hum!

I guess that my point is, this has happen all in the ten months that she has known. I understand your feelings of euphoria after coming out to her, just as I did, but believe you me if I had to do it all over again it would be Baby Steps sister. Sorry that I went on so, but this post hit me hard and my feelings run muck! Hope everything keeps going well for you.

Jill S · Post by **Jill S** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 7:35 am

I fell a bit sheepish now, I apologized to her last night for the nailpolish and she said it had scared her ! Thank you Silver Lady.

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 9:10 am

You are very welcome!

- SL

Jess(SO) · Post by **Jess(SO)** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 9:59 am

Jill,
it is exactly 6 months today and it was on a Wednesday as well (was my sons 10th birthday that's how I know the exact date, could almost tell you to the minute as well

)

Jess

Tania María López · Post by **Tania María López** » Wed Jan 24, 2007 5:57 pm

Jill, I also came out to my wife a few months ago. She has seen me fully dressed for the first time last week. It was wondeful. But it was in the moment she asked me to do it.

I have read a lot about coming out to your wife. There is something that everybody says: baby steps. CDs and SOs in this forum say: baby steps, my therapist says: baby steps.

I´d like to dress every day. But my wife also wants me as a man. And we need to balance this desires.

I go to a therapist since some months ago. She is helping me to tell my wife everything. What to tell her, when, how to do it. We talk a lot and she told me to talk a lot with my wife: what she thinks, what she needs ... Talk before doing anything, and remember: baby steps.

Post by **DonnaT** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 8:55 am

Jill S wrote:After 3 months I'm still feeling guilty enough that I tiptoe around the subject with my wife. I did remove nail polish in front of her the other night. I ask her first if it was OK, but still felt like I was doing something wrong.

Well, I'll have to disagree slightly from SL.

Sure, one can keep it hidden, but at some point there is a need to get a feeling for what one's wife may or may not accept. I consider it a baby step.

You did ask, at least. The problem, which may be why you felt guilty, is you don't know if she did it so as not to cause a scene, or because of some other reason.

So, what you probably need to do, if you haven't already, is ask her to be honest with you. If you ask to do something, she needs to know you'll be understanding and won't be upset if she says no, or not now, or I'm not ready yet. Once she understands this, then every once in a while you can try to introduce another baby step.

Lisbeth · Post by **Lisbeth** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 3:43 pm

After coming out to my wife and knowing now that I took great strides instead of baby steps I'm very fortunate to have such an understanding and open minded woman in my life. I know I scared her at first by my enthusiasm to explain about who I am and why I do this. The history helped her to see it isn't just some little quirk I could or would work out."She" is part of me. I am her and I have long since accepted my self and gotten on with life. I've had a few therapists over the years and I've learned to not take myself too seriously. I like me! I know that finding the forum and finally meeting others just like me made me hyper and wanting to connect with them to talk. I got caught up in the excitement and in the midst of it I told my wife.Thank you, Virginia but I don't think you will have to send flowers. Certainly not because of the idiotic way I handled things. You are right. It's baby steps now. Now that she knows all she is trying to figure out what aspects, if any she doesn't like. So far the biggest thing is that I will never try to make love to her as Lisbeth. That's fine because for me it's not a sexual thing. It's more of an expression of another side of me and having sex in that frame of mind just doesn't interest me in the least. I get my fulfillment from just being able to express my self this way. I certainly don't do it to get laid. Anyway, I am blessed with such an understanding wife that tries so hard. Now that I've calmed down a little we are really getting to know each other all over again after almost 8 years of marriage. I'd like to think that everything will be just perfect from now on but That's not how life works. For me it's one day at a time and,NOW I'm only taking baby steps. Thanks for letting me ramble and thank you all for all of your good advice. At least now I'm listening. Love, Lisbeth

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 7:52 pm

Jill

This whole thing will take some adjustment for both of you as you find your respective comfort levels. Taking it slowly is the only way to go, because little bumps in the road are much easier to handle than the ups and downs of a rollercoaster.

With regard to how long it takes before things settle down, well, there really is no set timeframe on that because we're human. Plain and simple. Don't worry, you'll get there! In my own case, it took me probably the better part of a year after coming out to my wife, before the euphoria wasn't overshadowing every thought and waking moment of my day.

Stephanie