Crossdressers-Haven.com

This letter was written by a TS woman to encourage others. It applies equally to those CDs who feel the need to be out and about. Bolded emphasis is mine.

Overcoming Fear.

When I first moved to Texas five years ago I read a bunch of books about the state, its history and folklore. I've always been interested in regionalisms and slang so one night over dinner with some gay guys we knew we got into discussing Texas specific regionalisms.

One of the expressions was "Cowboy Up" or "Cowgirl Up".

What it means is sort of getting back on the horse that threw you so that you aren't afraid. I have the feeling since I saw the same expression at the Cowgirls Museum in Fort Worth that it had a lot to do with women rodeo riders.

Mostly it means this: You may be hurt and scared shitless but you go out there and do it even if you look foolish and get thrown off long before the horn sounds.

One of the stupidest ideas Riki Wilchins ever perpetuated was when she dismissed transitioning being an act of courage.

I've heard stories from people who joined the military and fought in wars when being trans is pretty much an instant exclusion from military service.

I've walked people around on their first time out in public. The reality is that some of us look like women and some even with Dr. O are going to have a hard time.

We've worked on laws to end the arrests for CD, drag queens and TG /TS people who do not pass. In a good many states and cities we've passed non-discriminations laws and hate crimes inclusion.

What is left is "cowgirling up". Other people can't do that for you. It is probably going to be much harder for you at first especially if you aren't a transkid who throws on a dress and some make up and looks like a teenage girl.


Pick your areas, opt for safe zones. About a week ago in the Doonesbury cartoon strips a woman vet was talking about 75% of US female military personnel having been sexually assaulted. She said "Those are hooker stats." Avoid putting yourself in extreme danger. Go out with a friend or two from a support group.

And yeah words do hurt like a fist. But so does living a lie. And when you cowgirl up, face your fears and go do it anyway you usually get better at doing it or develop a thicker skin. Either way it takes less courage as you go on.

Carolynn that is an excellent information. I think many CD/TG's go out with the thought they are passing and the first encounter when they do not they are completely shoot down and back in the closet. I personally went out with the attitude that I did not pass and was going to get comments and laughing. But I did not care what they thought as I would never see them again.

I think since I was ready to be made and knew I would be that helped me a lot. That is because I could than see past those making fun of me to the many and actually most of the people that were not. Most did not seem to notice me even looking looking very much so like a guy wearing woman's clothes. Many looked, maybe rolled their eyes and went about their business. And actually very few made comments or laughed.

So I guess I was CowGirl up even before getting out the door. There is such great advantage going out away from home.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

one of the best places to go out for the first time is a TG Convention. There you among others like yourself, the Hotel knows we are CD/TG, the guests even know we are CD/TG. Thus you can relax even if you don't pass that well. What you will find is most of the other guests don't care and they leave you alone.
Going out into the Pubic IS a scary thing to do. Carolynn is right about if all possible go out with another or two CD/TG/TS. They can confort you, help you, and your protected because of numbers.

One thing I can say is once you go out, you find yourself relaxing, enjoying the outing, and finding it is addictive.

This is another thread that stirs great emotion in me.Going out the first time is scary and easier to do with support from at least one person.Being made is a concern,but a small one.I feel the biggest hurdle is looking into ones self,finding confidence and just not caring what others say.

I went thru all of this and reached the stage where I didnt care who said what.Personnal saftey must always be a consideration at all times.being careless and being brave are not the same thing.

Now I am at a point where I had the confidence and then I had it all ripped away from me.I am back in my closet,not wanting anyone to get close to me.Trying to rebuild what once was seems so much harder than coming out the first time.I dont know how often this happens to others,but I imagine that I am not the only one in this situation.For anyone trying to get out I say go for it.It is an amazing experience.The amazement of being out as Jennifer outweighs the problems I have now.I would do it all over again,only I would be more aware of the feelings of those around me.
Fear is a natural part of life,it effects all of us.It can hinder us,but it can also keep us safe.

We used to have a member here and for the life of me I can't remember her name, one of you may remember, feel free to chime in if you remember.
Anyway, she was a sniper assassin in the Vietnam war. She had always talked about how gruesome it was sniping a person. She said she remembered every single face, all nine of them.

But she said she would rather be back in Vietnam in a firefight, than to walk down the street en femme. The fear of going against social norms is a real one and a powerful one. Society can punish those who do not obey the written as well as unwritten rules of that society.

Indeed it takes a great deal of courage to go out crossdressed, especially when one does not pass. But those who do it, do not see it that way. They do it because they must. What ever the cost society puts upon us, pales in comparison to the payoff. I feel like the not so pretty girl in the Planters Peanut commercial that obviously has reason to believe she is more attractive than she actually is. Of course she has a secret weapon, Planters Cashews.

I don't know what my secret weapon is, but I feel great when I am out and about. I was walking from my car to class today and as I strolled across a large lawn I looked down to see the subtile ruffle at the end of my skirt as it brushes past each of my legs. And my nicely painted toenails coming through toe of my sandals, that are one of my favorite pairs of shoes. And I thought to myself. "I am really doing this". And everything about it feels right.

If it bothers people, that's really just too bad. It's up to each person to decide what annoys them. If they choose to be annoyed by me. That is their fault, not mine. They could easily choose not to be annoyed. It's called "tolerance". But you can only live the dream if you are not afraid to do it. Overcoming that fear is the entire game.

Love always,
Elizabeth

That's a great post, Carolyn, and I'm enjoying the thread that follows it. Cowgirling up indeed! No matter how much I go out there, there's times I have to "Re-up,' and remind myself of the reasons I'm doing this.

Kimberly wrote:

I personally went out with the attitude that I did not pass and was going to get comments and laughing.

If a person can do it, this is the best attitude to begin gender exploration with. Find out what it's like out there, and see how you like it. Hormones and facial surgeries will eventually help you blend in better, but they aren't the place to begin.

I have read posts from gals that question whether they want to begin transitioning, and they don't really want to begin hormones without knowing what's it like to live as a woman. Yet they don't want to go out without what they see as the magic bullets that will allow them to pass.
So they're stuck for the moment.

I'd have to say, if you have any ideas at all about living as a woman, then go out "as is," and don't invest in permanent body changes of any type.
On this board alone, we demonstrate that we can go out and function in the world as a version of a woman right now. The hormones and the various surgeries are useful and necessary for
living fulltime, especially, but you don't need them to test the waters.

And there are others of us who don't care to be women at all, and will never do hormones or body changes. Those of us in that camp will have to be brave and go out in the world without any aids at all, (other than our own dignity, of course).

We all need a lot of courage. Having a successful track record behind us helps a lot, but it still takes reaffirming from time to time.

Hi all,

Great thread. Thanks for starting this, Carolynn.

I always like it when discussion turns to attitude rather than looks (or, maybe, to attitude because of looks). I love the "attitude spectrum" we can find here, from "We Shall Overcome" all the way to "I Shall Overcome." And though the objects of our fears are sometimes in the world and sometimes in our own heads, overcoming our fears always happens in our heads.

Elizabeth,

I'm not sure but I think you may have been referring to Gelinda--good ol' Gee, of whom and from whom we haven't heard much lately. I hope she's doing all right and that her nightmares (and fears) are easing up.

I find it à propos that you use the phrase "I am really doing this" when you have those moments of clear awareness of your own public transness because, of course, it's exactly the opposite phrase that people around us want to tell us when they see us go public. I've been through quite a few instances of people saying to me, "I can't believe you're really doing this" when I go out dressed. ("Oh yeah? Watch me!") So I may not be all that passable. Big deal. If I don't pass as a woman, I'll at least pass as a person not fearful of being who she is. And, yes, of being who he is, too.

And this is interesting: I find that many, many people out there are definitely not passable as folks unafraid of showing the world who they are. They show the world a brave or strong or "with it" face but their "real" face or self remains hidden from view. Sometimes poorly. They haven't yet learned the value of cowgirling or cowboying up when it comes time to let the world see who they are.

We are so afraid of the judgment of others, of their scorn (or worse, of their pity). The fact is, whatever we choose to do and however we behave in the world--from prim and proper socialite to antisocial gender rebel--there are always people out there ready to judge us and find us wanting in some regard. That will never change. The trick to overcoming that particular fear is for us not to find ourselves wanting. Anita, by gracing the stage in all her glory, graces the world, too, and she knows that this is a good thing. Elizabeth, by boldly (and, as she would undoubtedly say, necessarily) being herself amid so many young and curious minds, has a great role to play in teaching those minds what this diverse world can look like up close, and she knows this is a good thing. Virginia is fond of reminding people who believe that God doesn't make mistakes to take into account her own presence in the world and then to continue to hold to the truthiness of their beliefs.

Cowgirling up. I like it. Getting back in the saddle again is a must. Even if you're wearing a girdle that's a couple of sizes too small. Still, and of course, as author Tom Robbins would have us remember, even cowgirls can get the blues.

Love,
CJ

A little different twist on the topic, for me going out was easy after I over came my fear of jumping out of a perfect good airplane. Once done you have no more fear, I started in Tri-Ess and once going out no more fear.
So ladies check your makeup put a little spray on your hair and walk out that door.

Carol Ann--
Well, you did it backwards, or did you? I had this to say in another post from sometime back:

Anita wrote:

The reason I’m writing this post? Sometimes I’ll be facing some challenge now, and I have to stop and gather up my courage. It’s then that I tell myself: “If I can be Anita, I can do anything!” Whether it’s always true or not, it’s a reminder that this is one of the hardest things any of us will ever do—to go out and be fully who we are in the real world.

But that's a question for me: would I still want to jump out of a nice safe plane? It's really curious that many of us wouldn't hesitate to go back into a burning building to get the kids, but that's a spontaneous decision. You have to really think about "Girling" before you go out, unfortunately.

Elizabeth wrote:

I was walking from my car to class today and as I strolled across a large lawn I looked down to see the subtile ruffle at the end of my skirt as it brushes past each of my legs. And my nicely painted toenails coming through toe of my sandals, that are one of my favorite pairs of shoes. And I thought to myself. "I am really doing this". And everything about it feels right.

I'm know I'm preaching to the choir by pointing out this quote, but I remember feeling it distinctly the first night I was out. I looked down at the skirt, the hose, and the heels, and I couldn't believe it. I said to myself that if I had learned how to fly, it wouldn't have been too much more amazing than discovering that I could do this.

It wasn't even a matter of getting up the courage, before that. I didn't agonize about doing it, because I didn't know it existed! Oh, I knew about drag queens and people who changed gender, but they were "other" to me--I'd never known anyone like that, and I certainly wasn't one of them, as far as I knew.

But I did have a clue, way back in 1984 or so. A friend of mine said that a musician we both knew had shown up at an open mic, performing in a dress! And the first thing I said was, "I wish I had the guts to do that." It surprised both of us, and he didn't say a lot more after that!

And now that same musician is a one of my sister facilitators at the local group, and a close friend.

Elizabeth wrote:.... The fear of going against social norms is a real one and a powerful one. Society can punish those who do not obey the written as well as unwritten rules of that society.....Indeed it takes a great deal of courage to go out crossdressed, especially when one does not pass. But those who do it, do not see it that way. They do it because they must.

Elizabeth I so like to read your posts. You have such a way with words that I do not. What you wrote above is really what it is in a nut shell for me. I fought society norms for the first 35 years of my life. Then I found the internet and found out it was not just me but many of us. I had an almost instant need to scream to the world and show them that I was a CDer. But the punishment part of society held me off until I was out of town and away from those I knew. Being away from home that had less ability to punish my family and myself. And most of the punishment would come to me and unlikely for any towards my family. For me being out of town, the need to get out over took the society norms. I scoped out a safe outing route and just did it. It was 30 minutes of scared and nervous followed but 30 minutes of bliss. The bliss far out weighed the comments, laughs and strange looks. But I have been lucky in that I have been able to look beyond those in society that were discouraging me to those that were ok with it, enjoyed it, or at least tolerated it.

In a way to CowGirl up keeps you going until you get more confidence and can look beyond the negative. That is where the positive overwhelms you and the negative begins to bounce off of you.

CJ wrote:Elizabeth,

I'm not sure but I think you may have been referring to Gelinda--good ol' Gee, of whom and from whom we haven't heard much lately. I hope she's doing all right and that her nightmares (and fears) are easing up.

You're correct, it is Gelinda. I, too, hope she's doing all right, she has not logged into the forum since 12-06-2007!

((Hugs, Everyone!))

- SL

I think that I might have had good on the job training being a punk as well as being a girl, so in a way I didn’t know if people were hassling me because I was a punk or dressed as a girl, I got so much flak for the way I looked that insulting words from others just fell on my deaf ears. Also, I hung around some kinda rough people,,, people who would probably do violence against other cds but for some reason they accepted me and they provided some help for me, by scaring people to leave me alone,,,,sometimes the riff raff thugs take to a tgirl and these thugs kinda liked me, and then they come to my aid. Don’t believe all the hype that all bikers, or all hoodlums or all home boys, or all tough guys hate tgirls, some of my best customers were these very same bad guys.


Elizabeth,,, I remember Gelinda but I never knew that she was a sniper. I do hope that Gelinda is out there somewhere and able to read what I have to say next. When I went to some cd bars in NYC, there were cliques of friends that would hang out together. One group of girls that I met were Vietnam vets, one was a helicopter pilot, one worked in supplies, One I can’t remember but the last one was a marine sniper. But her name was Elaine and not Gelinda, maybe the name has changed. Anyway, this sniper tgirl told me of her tales in Vietnam she was a very mystic type of girl, always talking about how she can see the souls of the people she shot, she was kinda spaced out a bit, but one can’t blame her if they heard the tales she had to endure.She kept referring me as her celtic sister, which I tried many times to tell her that I wasn’t celtic, but she would have none of it,, to her, we were both celtic sisters, she was Irish,, red hair and all. I liked her, we got along quite well, but then one day she just disappeared as did so many people that I knew back then. I did find the helicopter pilot online on another site but she won’t answer my messages that I sent her. I don’t know why? I guess being in Vietnam left many people with bizarre behavior afterwards.

Talk about not having fear,,me and this helicopter pilot would hang out at the weirdest of places, sometimes we would just hang out in the subways, on the platforms, riding the train to anywhere, with no cares in the world. We had a game where we would walk around Manhattan and say to ourselves that we would stop at the third or forth bar that we pass, it didn’t matter what kind of bar, yuppie, gangsta, westie, biker, old man, leather gay, ethnic, union workers, the rules were we had to go into third bar that we passed. Had some strange encounters with people, but no violence came from any bar. The violence came for me when I walked the streets all alone, then I became a random victim of violence just like any other woman walking the streets at night would have faced in their lives. Those were the only times I encountered violence, not very pleasant experience but I’m still here to tell my story, some girls can not, they are dead.

So. I guess the main part about going out is to be with someone,, walk with a friend.

PS-Oh,, I forgot, sometimes I encounter domestic violence, but this doesn’t really count as fear of going out, it’s kinda like a self inflicted ailment. A personal violence that is kept quiet,,,sshhhhhh!!!

I still so very much a as scaredy cat when it comes to going out en femme- I mean I have out but never had myself always had the support of other girls. I went go out a couple years ago- Night of a thousand gowns, and t out with two GG's to a lucky chengs.