Crossdressers-Haven.com

Anita wrote: When CDDF was "on," it was really good. Here's an exchange that Dixie Darling put on her website:

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/freshviews.htm

Recently, my wife and I were discussing crossdressing in general, and she hit me with a question that I'm just not sure how to answer...

First of all, I have always believed that my crossdressing was limited to the clothes. By that I mean I am not gay, I am ok with being a genetic male, and that I just like to dress as a woman when I can. I still believe this to be true.

I have often told my wife that women are lucky that they can wear feminine or masculine clothes when-ever they want, without any issues. Women can wear traditionally male clothes, and no one will look twice. But if a man wears a skirt... well, you all know the story.

Her reply left me a little speechless. She said it isn't just about the clothes, that there is a lot more to it. If she wears a pair of jeans and one of my sweatshirts, she doesn't feel the need to "stuff" her crotch area to give the appearance of male genetalia. She doesn't tightly wrap her chest area to restrict and reduce her breast from showing. She doesn't stop wearing make-up either. She just wears the clothes.

She said if I just wore a skirt, then it would be the same type thing. But I don't just wear a skirt. I shave my body hair, minimize my budge, and create the appearance of breasts. I wear all the lingerie, do my make-up, wear a wig, add nails, carry a purse, and generally become a different person, etc., etc.

Nothing she said is false, it is more than just the clothes. But once again, I still can say I am not gay, nor do I have a problem with being a genetic male. For the first time in 30+ years, I am confused.

I like to dress in women's clothes. That is the most basic part of being a crossdresser, but how do I explain her other points? I'm sure she thinks I really want to be a woman. I can't come up with a reply that truly explains the situation as it is. Do I really want to be a woman??? I don't think so, but there has to be some sort of additional explanation, doesn't there?

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I could use some of my sisters insight here. I should add that my wife is truly a wonderful and accepting woman, that is really only trying to help me understand myself.

Hugs,

Jessica

Jessica North wrote: What really floored me was Anita's link to a topic that was on the CDDF when it wasn't such a mess. That was my original post, and while I have had many, many, many fabulous responses... I still struggle with that same issue.

Yes, there were some good responses to that thread, Jessica. Note how varied they were. We are a varied lot, and there is no one reason why.

My own thoughts on this are two fold, it's either a sexual kick or it's a response to being transgendered.

Note that many who think of it as a sexual kick don't think they are trans, which I separated the two cases.

Heck, many who CD don't think either case fits them. It's no wonder there are so many theories by differ psychiatrists, etc., since there are so many reasons offered up by the CDer as to why they dress.

There is no clear definition to being transgendered. But in my opinion, we have both a male and female nature. How much of each there is can't be proved. That is, in some way, our brains are Intersexed, or dual gendered, or etc. etc.

But, IMO, it is (for the m2f) that female part of our nature that first led us to the desire to wear the clothes.

Accordingly, there's a large variation in how folks respond to their transness. As a small example, some may occasionally wear only panties, some go the full enfemme look, some transition.

Some not trans, like one's SO, might argue that they have a 100% female nature, but it doesn't cause them to have a desire (some do, however) to wear women's clothes, etc.

My answer to that is, some women do have a strong desire to dress up. To wear heels, wouldn't be causght dead without makeup on, etc.

Since there's a difference between women in how they respond to there fem nature, why can't there be a difference in us and how we respond to the fem part of our nature?

Plus, they don't have a possible subconcious internal conflict. A battle between the two natures, male and female.

We apparently do, whether it is a small battle or a large battle depends on the person. But when the female part occasionally wins the battle, how is she going to show her victory? Possibly by urging us to wear something designed for women?

DonnaT wrote:

...some women do have a strong desire to dress up. To wear heels, wouldn't be caught dead without makeup on, etc.

Since there's a difference between women in how they respond to there fem nature, why can't there be a difference in us and how we respond to the fem part of our nature?

You are dead on! When I dress as Jessica I really want everything to be perfectly feminine... even if nobody sees me. It truly is my individual response to my fem nature.

I have never really thought about it like that before. Seems a bit like not being able to see the forest for all the trees.

You are correct that we are a varied bunch... that's what I like about us. Thanks for passing along your thoughts!

I have always told my wife that I may not be a woman (genetically), but I am always a lady!

Hugs,
Jessica

Donna said...

Accordingly, there's a large variation in how folks respond to their transness.

Exactly right. I happen to be one of those folks who identifies as transgendered, which despite being an umbrella term, I consider TG as being more than a crossdresser. So I respond to my trans nature accordingly, which happens to be deeper than merely wanting to just throw on a skirt. How I feel inside needs to be in sync with my outward appearance.

Stephanie

A very good topic, for me I came out to my mother at 14 and told her I was unhappy as a boy because I was ugly and girls can wear really great cloths and makeup and become very pretty.
Well 45 years I am still dressing because I love the look and the feeling of being pretty. Maybe I am TG or maybe I don't feel I am not happy with my male side.

I spend 13 years as a paratrooper and couldn't shack the feeling of what I felt, after being shoot at I wonder why I was doing this.
Came home and Carol Ann is now happy with Carol Ann, you just got to be who and what you are and be happy with yourself.

There was another thread on exactly this topic, and it's a great subject that I think every crossdresser can identify with. Rather than repeat myself I'll reference my recent post (and Jessica's response since she's now a member here as well.)

http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... 3&start=17

Yes, we are all different. Actually, although I prefer full make-over with wig etc, I feel quite fem in just a skirt or dress with frilly lingerie and wouldn't mind being able to relax just like that. But it's not something my vanilla wife would approve of . . But curiously, on Sunday mornings after a shower I go about for quite a long time with my towel wrapped around like a skirt and imagining I am in skirt but she doesn't mind that, nor do any neighbour if one happens to knock on the door unexpectedly.

Maybe my expression could be be described on a linear scale with maleness being on the right and femaleness on the left with hundreds of increments in between and the center being a gray area that would be widely acceptable in a broad social situation.

I find that I am most happy just being myself which entails removing most of body hair and wearing panties under my otherwise male clothing. I really dislike having body hair and I enjoy not having any, although it is a pain to keep up. The panties, well let's face it, they are a lot more comfortable and a constant reminder to me that I am not 100% stereotypical male.

I do occasionally like to go more towards the left end of the scale and put on the wig and rest of the feminine things, but not every day, or even every week for that matter.

Funny comment Jessica's wife makes about the bulge. I never really thought of it that way.

Hmmmm...been thinking about things like this a lot, lately. Some random thoughts...

First, I would argue that our society does not universally regard it as perfectly okay when a woman dresses like a man. Most male garments worn by females have been feminized to some degree. A woman who wears men's jeans, workboots and a workshirt not tailored to favorably display the bust line, and who crops her hair short in a non-styled manner will not be regarded in the same manner as the woman in the Ann Taylor dress, stockings and heels, with long, curly hair - either by men or women. I would further argue that the more "maleness" she exhibits, the less accepting will be the attitude toward her.

I have also come to the conclusion that it is folly to try to construct (as many have tried to do) a limited number of categories and then shoe-horn individuals into them. Am I transgendered? A crossdresser? A transexual? A mere fetishist? After 50 years of dressing, on and off, does any of that even matter? Some categories are necessary - we need to identify the difference between those who need to surgically alter their gender identity and those who don't for obvious reasons. But I've come to the conclusion that the rest of it probably doesn't matter, because it probably changes over time.

When I was 13, I was a desperately unhappy person. I was the only child of an alocholic father (a fact I had just learned), I was alone in a new town, a new school with very tight cliques and an abusive teacher. From 13 to 15, when my father died, was without question the most unhappy time of my entire life. When I dressed, I was another person - a girl whom others liked as I liked girls, who had the power to arouse others as I was aroused by girls. When I felt the softness of fabrics like nylon and satin, the way they seemed to kiss my skin, it was as if my entire world was being softened. Since then, I have gone for stretches of years at a time when I did not remotely feel the need to dress, when I thought I had truly ended it. And then there were times when I needed to once again, always to feel the soft reassurances that dressing brings, and yet driven by different needs, different circumstances.

This is a really good thread. I liked the part about how some women like to dress up in womens clothing also. Made me think of Max Wolfs comment about how Madonna is a female impersonator who is also a woman herself.

It's probably good to remember that neither women or men can really wear whatever they want and have boundaries they must stay within. The boundaries are different but a woman dressing the way some of us dress could find herself in unpleasant situations. And none of us, male or female, can walk down the street naked.

Absaroka

Erin said....

I have also come to the conclusion that it is folly to try to construct (as many have tried to do) a limited number of categories and then shoe-horn individuals into them. Am I transgendered? A crossdresser? A transexual? A mere fetishist? After 50 years of dressing, on and off, does any of that even matter?

I wouldn't necessarily call it folly to categorize. You are right in that categories should not matter to any of us. We simply are who we are! However, when we have a SO to consider who may be struggling with accepting us, I think it's ok to categorize ourselves as close to how we feel - assuming we are being honest with her and ourselves. If she incorrectly assumes we might be transsexual, rather than 'just' a crossdresser, this will almost certainly have a significant impact on a relationship. A SO needs to be reassured and know what she's dealing with. Of course, being trans (used in the broadest sense), nothing is ever cast in stone, but as we get older, I think most of us have a reasonably good handle on which 'category' we feel most comfortable in, whether we like those categories or not.

With the fluidity inherent in being a 'trans' person, I also think by having some kind of benchmark, be they categories, milestones or whatever, we are better able to track our progress (or evolution) as we move through life and improve on our ability to deal with those challanges we may face along the way.

Stephanie

I agree with Stephanie.

My wife and I were watching the news Sunday night and the story about Diane Schroeder and her win againt the Library of Congress came on.

They identified her as transgender, and my wife asked, "Don't you call yourself transgender?"

So, at least there are the other labels under transgender which help explain the difference between CD and TS.

But, she's still not convinced.