being in the closet

[LeslyAllen]

I have been in the closet for 43 years, Thru adolescence and two marriages. I am still maried at the age of 555 with a four year old. How long can I keep this a secret.? My wife of seven years would never appprove of my cross dressing> How and will I get caught and what do you think my 28 girl would say about this? Leslyallen

[DonnaT]

You're asking questions we can't possibly answer.

I told my daughter when she was 29. No reaction really, Neither favorable or adverse. She did laugh when I invited her to go to a club.

It depends on how conservative your daughter is, and what type of relationship you have with her. Even then it's 50/50. But since your wife doesn't know, I wouldn't advise telling your daughter first.

As for getting caught, it's hard to say. If careful, you could go on forever not getting caught. If one gets careless, it's usually because deep down they want to get caught. Keeping a secret from one's wife can eat at a person.

My son found out by finding things on my computer.

I told my wife after she had helped me dress. Newly married, playing around, etc.

Halloween's coming up and may be a good time to get her to help you dress. Comments about how nice things feel, and not understanding how come women complain about the clothes could be a conversation starter.

[LeslyAllen]

Thank you for your response but I was only asking for your thoughts. There are no right or wrong answers but some of you have more experience .

[Shauna]

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel ! I've been closeted for 35 years and I can't imagine what would happen if my very macho 24 year son ever found out. My young daughters, ages 4 and 6, would just think it was a riot and would want to help with makeup and accessories, as they have not formed prejudices about these things. My wife would not even try to understand, being very neurotic and intolerant, and that would be the end of it (not such a bad idea in some respects). I doubt I will get caught, as I'm very meticulous, but I so wish it didn't have to be this way. Many people preach tolerance but its been my experience that very few really live it. Sounds cynical, I know, but experience is a good teacher. I suppose it would be different if my wife and son were more open minded.

[Sylvia H]

My opinion only.

Your question seems a little ambiguous.
If you want to keep it a secret, you already know how. Just like many of us, you find things to keep in higher priority, not permitting the fem part any audience.
If you really dont want to keep it a secret, then the details will certainly be peculiar to your particular lifestyle and self image. The best advice you will find here will come from those whose specifics in their lifestyle / self image overlap yours in some more specific context.

xox
Sylvia

[Absaroka]

You ask how long will you be able to keep this a secret. Which is actually a couple of different questions. How long can a secret be kept? To your grave if you are really careful. Some of us stick deathbed letters in our cache of clothes explaining them to who ever finds them when we are gone, and some hide them so well that they consider this unneccesary. How long will you be able emotionally to keep the secret? You've already done it for a long time. How long can you keep the secret without harming your marriage or yourself emotionally? Sounds like probably a shorter period of time than the current lifespan of your secret.

You have another secret as well, and it's not about your crossdressing. Your biggest secret you have kept from your wife may in fact be the fact that you have big secrets. Perhaps a discussion of the fact that some parts of your life are unshared might be a way to start, with the idea that they will remain unshared.

A while ago I was asked by my sponsor in a 12 step program what I was going to take to my grave. I had told him most of the other important stuff but not the cding. I told him that I wanted to be honest with him and that the truth at that moment was that there were things I was not going to tell him. He accepted that easily. Some time later I did tell him and he thanked me for trusting him.

Of course that's radically different from a spouse. Your sponsor is someone you are supposed to trust with your deep darks and he is also not in love with me.

I've told my wife a little bit, back when there was far less to tell. I have gotten the impression that she doesn't care to know more. I could probably tell her but I suspect she would view it as an imposition. Sort of a don't ask don't tell and don't ask about telling either. Seems to work for us. For me CDing is sort of private anyway. I don't feel the need to tell my kids although I am not entirely comfortable with my silence to my wife. But I have to ask myself, would I be telling her so that I would feel better at her expense?

Absaroka

[CherryLynn]

I plan to keep my crossdressing a secret from my my family- being single and living alone make easier- some relatives most likely think that i'm gay. There times I wonder where exactly I fit in.

[Tammy R]

LeslyAllen,

I think the secret can be kept indefinitely unless you become careless. By that, I mean a two-fold carelessness. One the first fold, a simple mistake of carelessness that leads to being found out. One the second, a matter of careless attitude.

I recently told my wife for the third time in our twenty one years of marriage. She took it fairly well, but I feel like I have hurt her. Although I have the weight of secrecy off my shoulders and I am honest with her, I now bear the weight of her knowledge and disapproval, even though she does not voice it.

I think sometimes staying in the closet is a viable option, it depends on the people it affects. One school of thought, particularly within the transgendered community "To thine own self be true" is a wonderful concept, but we also need to think of other people's feelings. After all, many of us want to relate to the gentler aspects of our nature.

[Jennifer M]

Over these last few years I have been thru a divorce and a journey of self discovery.I could not have made the journey without these few years of being alone.I have grown immensely and will continue to do so.I am still back in the closet to others but not to myself.I wonder that if I had made this journey earlier in my life could I have avoided the divorce.I think this because I am no longer an angry person,I no longer hate myself and being true to myself I would have either stayed alone or found someone who was attracted to my true self.Yes,I miss my wife and kids but I also caused them pain.That will haunt me forever.