What would yor do if?

[Sophie-W]

I am just curious, I go out in fem with my wife. What would you do if you were in a bar, in fem mode, by yourself and a guy came onto you ? What would you do if he followed you out and became persistent, and started to touch you up ? How would you react, if you were straight ?

[Absaroka]

This is why women go out in groups. Go out with your wife, there is strength in numbers.

Coming on to someone is one thing and if I was straight (which I am) I would politely but clearly let him know I am not interested, the same as I do when gay men come on to me and the few rare times women have approached me when I was not interested.

Following me outside and starting to touch me is something different, especially the touching. Depending on where and how he is touching you what you are describing may be sexual assault. It's tempting to say I'd beat the crap out of him but I'm too old to do that without getting hurt so I would probably go back into the bar and consider calling the cops. I would make sure I was not alone. Yes when we dress as women we need to act like women and consider carefully a lot of places (like empty parking lots) we might not need to think about as men. Jenny Boylan talks about this in her book She's Not There and it is something most men who transition to women have to come to terms with.

Think about how you have treated women when your advances were not returned. Depending on how you acted this is either a guide to what you should demand from others, or a call to re examine your own behavior. In my case it has been both at different times.

I used to hitch hike a lot, back in the early 70's. Something you learn doing that is how to say no in a way that is not hostile but is still unmistakably no. After my first time, which did not go well but did not escalate to physical confrontation, I learned that offering reasons why not is merely an invitation for someone to try to change my mind.

This is perhaps a question for the Dear GG forum.

Absaroka

[DonnaT]

I'd definitely let him know I wasn't interested in men.

I reckon I'd notice if he was being an backside and following me when I left. I try to always be aware of my surroundings.

If need be, as I was leaving, I'd ask the doorman to keep an eye on me as I went to my car.

And I'm not too old that I can't take care of myself.

[Steve]

I never saw onyone who could pass well enough. I would wonder if the guy was Blind and had hearing problem.

The ones who came the closest were doing the little old lady thing.

If he was not blind and had hearing problems I would figure his drink has extra kick in it. Ie 6 shot drink or something and he was on 6th drink of the hour. 6 sheets in the Wind.

Now don't get me Wrong I am married to transexual (post op).

To think anything else with most of us is just kidding ourselves.

DM

[Absaroka]

I'd agree with Steve that most likely he also knows what you are. Which can give a couple of possible meanings to agression, none of them good.

By wearing womens clothing you in some ways are saying treat me like a woman even if you are clearly male. In fact because you are male that intensifies the signal that you wish to assume the status of a woman in our society. Unfortunatley to some that means victim.

Absaroka

[Diannna]

Well, # 1 I have never gone out to a club or bar by myself. And # 2 I'm big enough to take care of myself. I am str8, but I have always had another person with me, so unless you're looking for some action in that area, well!!!!!!!!!!!! You get my drift.

[Steve]

Yes I would suspect the person wanted to do harm more than anything else at "normal bar, ie non gay".

I know it happens (get picked up in CD mode), but I bet it's rare. Sort of like finding Job Crossed Dressed. Heck finding job now is rare.
(retired since July 2000)

Shame society is this way. Clothes do not make the person.

Which reminds me I need to Visit Lane Bryant and see the gals there. I bet they are out of Candy and Cookies (I always gift them after buying clothes).

Amazing Service, they even know my Name.

Dm

[KimberlyS]

Well for me it does not matter how I am dressed or if the other person is a male or female. I just make it known I am married and not interested.

I have always worn my wedding band when I have gone out enfemme and a couple of years back my wife got me a matching ring to go with it. So I guess it now looks more like I am married when I go out enfemme.

Like others have said, when you go out enfemme you should be aware of your surroundings and especially those around you. Most women do not leave a building at night without stopping at the door to get their keys out and then also look around the area they are headed. I have also seen women wait at the door area for males coming out behind them to get by them and well out ahead. Women walking alone will also switch sides of the street so they do not have to meet on coming males.

kim

[Michelle Miller]

I am just curious, I go out in fem with my wife. What would you do if you were in a bar, in fem mode, by yourself and a guy came onto you ? What would you do if he followed you out and became persistent, and started to touch you up ? How would you react, if you were straight ?

It's easy to brush off guys in a bar. You just ignore them, tell them you're not interested, or get up and walk off. If they follow, just find a bouncer and inform them that you're being harassed, and that the creep said something about their sainted mother too.

Being the reactionary type, I'd make a quick decision, based on the severity of the attack outside if I was followed. Either pepper spray or my Glock 26 would come out of my purse, and we'd see where it goes from there. I'd much rather explain to the police about my gender presentation not matching my CC permit and ID than I would have someone finish their sexual assault and leave me raped and/or dead somewhere.

[Jodie Wexler]

This is exactly one of the reasons why I have little interest in going out.
Jodie

[Jessica Hannah]

Wow, you know you pose a really good question. I actually have never ventured out, and as such I've only pondered certain possibilities. I know that I would point to my wedding ring and maybe prep my cell phone for a call to the police.

Now that I really think about it I may not go out without one of my guy friends, just in case.

[Angela]

In the unlikely event of anything like that ever happening to me I'd just let him hear my Scottish rasp of a voice.

[Carolynn]

Hi.
I finally read this thread, and there is some good advice in it. However, don't limit your caution to bars and clubs.

The most unnerving encounter with an "admirer" (and Steve, for these guys you do not have to be totally passable as they have a fetish for you as a man in a dress or are gays in denial) my friend Sherry had was about a year ago, and it was in the parking lot of a major mall in Oklahoma City. Apparently while she shopped confident that in a crowd she was safe, she was stalked by that man. The mall was crowded and she had to park some distance from the nearest mall entrance and when she went to her car, he followed. She was aware someone was behind her, but not too concerned as there were a lot of cars they could be going to, just another shopper going to their car. She had her mind on planning wearing part of her new purchases to dinner with friends that night. With her hands full, she used the remote to unlock the trunk to receive her purchases and unlock the driver side door.

When she closed the lid, he was right behind her! She backed toward her car door while he started talking, propositioning her right there in the parking lot. She said "No" and had almost reached the door of the car when he asked again, following her between the cars, and again she said "NO". He saw she was going to leave and had a way out, so he called her a "Shemale c--k tease" and other less complimentary names, which showed his prediliction for porn and that he had read her. She got into the car without turning her back on him and locked the door. He left as a mall security vehicle turned onto the parking lane. She started the car, moved out, but kept an eye on his progress to his vehicle and was able to get his tag number as he left the lot.

I gave it to my friend in the State drug enforcement agency, and it came back registered to a City councilman!!! She said the guy didn't look much like the pic on the DL and I am not sure it was actually him. Maybe a realtive or employee borrowing the car?

So just be careful no matter where you are. I am a lot more careful while shopping alone now and try to be aware of stalkers, and I will wait for a parking place nearer the door. I suspect the guy approached Sherry in the parking lot because it was a public setting, though kinda remote. Most of the time we do not like to call attention to ourselves, and I think he was depending on that to escape a scene.

Oh, and it was no accident the mall security was coming down the parking lane, as the mall installed monitored security cameras from several vantage points after several assullts and purse snatchings. Parking in full view of several of those cameras is a good plan.

Carolynn

[Anita]

Hi Sophie--
It was unnerving the first times I was out, and realized I was now vulnerable in a way that I had never planned for. I had made my male self so fierce-looking that my two brothers once agreed that they'd cross the street if they saw someone like me coming. A bit extreme, to find that out.

However...my galself is nothing like that, and the difference is startling. I can tell that men are not afraid of the tall woman they see in front of them, and that shocked me the first few times I experienced it.

Like anything else we do continually, Sophie, I started to adapt. I found that I had to use the same kind of humor that the coffee shop waitress uses when she's bantering with truck drivers, for instance. I had to be firm in my 'no,' without getting too angry. I had to consider waiting for others to walk me to the car. There are places I can't easily go to at night.

All of this can be very hard to adapt to--it's male privilege to not have to think about any of this. Some of my TG friends say they never had much male privilege, or knew how to use it, but our physical appearance alone is one form of it. Take that away, and we're in a different world. One post-op friend no longer feels comfortable bicycling through a certain park after dark, and she thought nothing of it before.

I know it's a cliche from gender-switching reality shows, but all men should have to experience this for a week or so at some point in their lives. It probably wouldn't affect the hard-core guys--they'd just slouch around in a dress, being sullen, but it would be an eye-opener for the average Joe to become Jill for even a day.

You're on a learning curve, Sophie. You'll be more aware of your surroundings after experiencing this, right?

[Merinda]

Apart from an old (suspected peadophile) that loved my girly hair and attempted to take be to his home after spiking my drink in my younger years , I haven't had anyone so much as try to chat me up.
Its hard to know the best course of action to take if a person wont take "no" for an answer , being fully dressed changes my way of thinking to the female way and its scary being defenceless.
I guess I would find a nice strong male and ask if he could either step in or help to escort me away from the venue to the safety of my car.

I someone touched me (sexual assault) I dont know how I would react at the time , however , if I then came into contact with this person at a future stage in male mode , God help him.