Our desire

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Sun Jul 26, 2009 8:39 am

As a transgendered man from time to time there is an overwhelming compulsion to fulfill my femininity, to live and experience that part of my personality which must be satisfied and fulfilled before I can transition and move on again. I live and balance between these two identities. My brain is definitely masculine, male in every respect but the feminine side will not be denied. I strongly identify with women from time to time and must yield to the compulsion to be a woman and to experience that part of my being or soul realizing of course that my mind and body are unchanged. This is the primary issue which cannot be denied or obstructed by transgendered people without disfunction developing. Free expression is necessary for our well being if we are to be allowed to live a balanced and harmonious life.

As a youth I found this desire overpowering/overwelming occupying my mind The compulsion or drive to crossdress and be a girl. I had to yield to it or it would drive me crazy.

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Sun Jul 26, 2009 10:34 am

Anne,

Oh how well I, my mother and wife understood and understand.
I started openly dressing at 14 and out and about at 15.

Now in my senior years I have a little trouble as I can't go out anymore because I don't really pass very well anymore but I will keep trying and dressing and life will go on.

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Sun Jul 26, 2009 10:51 am

Sometimes I wish everyone could experience what we experience every single day. I am never quite satisfied or fulfilled being a man because I also want to be a woman, I see a woman in a pretty dress and am envious. At the same time I know expressing and enjoying my femininity would never be allowed me. I know that I would not be as pretty, I would look rediculous to others but it is the satisfaction and fulfillment which takes place in my mind that is really important. I desire acceptance and understanding but know I will not have it. I also realize my brain is male - I think as a man - I may be more sensitive but I am very skilled at masculine tasks. Ability to manipulate shapes in the brain - talent fixing, building, etc... Interests in such. Women seek connections, nurturing, loving, etc - all more or less lost on me.... Yet here I am as a crossdresser! I would not change who I am - I do love who I am.

Erica S · Post by **Erica S** » Mon Jul 27, 2009 7:08 am

Wow Anne, you sumed it up very well. That is how I feel. I do not know what to say as you have stated it so well. Right down to feeling jelous of that women wearing a dresss I would rather be in then she. The same time knowing as I am it would not be accepted as well. I have an overwhelming compulsion to wear womens clothing and without being able to put them on I do have some stress. What are we to do about this situation we are in? Do you have a SO? If so are they ok or not with what you do? I am glad I found your post. Best of everything to you.

Erica

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Mon Jul 27, 2009 1:26 pm

Being a woman is not about being pretty.

Why not just content yourself with enjoying all the perks of presenting as an ugly woman?

Ab

Erica S · Post by **Erica S** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 7:03 am

You are right Absaroka,

It is about feeling pretty and when I dress in what ever I have I do feel pretty and like feeling that way...

Erica

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 10:16 am

Feeling pretty is fine and lots of us, myself included, enjoy feeling like we look like a pretty woman, or perhaps a pretty girl, enjoy feeling like we think a pretty woman must feel. For me this has more to do with a feeling of liveliness and youth, since I am able to express all that caring and compassionate stuff as a man. Sometimes I wonder if this appearred in middle age as a direct result of no longer feeling young in my mans body. Sometimes it has to do with a feeling of calm and being more attuned to nature although I suspect it's more about being attuned to myself.

All well and good and something to be enjoyed when the opportunity presents itself. But for me it is important to remember that it is me enjoying like I am pretending to be a woman, perhaps taking on some of the social constructs labeled feminine, not a desire to actually be what a woman really is.

My favorite story on the difference between the social construct of being feminine and the reality of being a woman is from a female friend of mine. THis happened some 18 years ago. She was quite stylish, quite petite, quite pretty. We were discussing pregnancy, my wife recently having given birth and she contemplating motherhood. She made the comment that the idea of being pregnant bothered her because she could not imagine anything less feminine than pregnancy. Without getting into long discussions of defining womanhood, pregnant men, and so on, I think we can agree that this is an odd statement yet one that in our society is understandable.

Ab

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue Jul 28, 2009 8:58 pm

Hi Anne,

You found the key for a lot of your sisters, BALANCE. If one can establish that function in their lives it does make living with this gift even more fun.

Finding balance allows us the opportunity to not only revel in this gift but to step back and look at ourselves constructively and then we can really begin to enjoy our "Magical Mystery Tour."

Love,

Virginia

Erica S · Post by **Erica S** » Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:07 am

Anne you say you are transgendered, what do you mean when you state this? I share the same thoughts as you and well you have touched some feelings in me. I would like to know more about your situation. Would you be willing to share more with me? I really think I would feel better on a day to day basis being feminie not mascline. At the same time I like being a man and would not want to do the wrong thing at this time

Erica

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Thu Jul 30, 2009 6:57 pm

This term I define as a person who possesses some aspects of both genders. Kind of like a duel or split soul one masculine one feminine within the same mind. Crossdressers sit on a razor's edge balancing between two worlds. We go where the spirit carries us - the wind blows where it will. So it is with myself. There is always tension between my desire to be feminine or masculin, and frustration that while I can always be masculine with impunity it is not so when feminine desire is coursing through my spirit. Every day at almost all times I am pulled in one direction or the other. I am aware that while I may fantasize about transitoning this would be a wrond choice that would be regretted because my masculinity would want at some point to just throw all of this off, chang into some comfortable guy mode and chill. A transexual experiences none of this they desire movement in one direction and will have no regrets on arrival because they know what gender they are. So keep that in mind. I am not saying that I might go 24/7 for indefinite periods of tme, but I realize I would move back to the masculine side at some point too.

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Sat Aug 01, 2009 7:28 am

Erica S wrote:Wow Anne, you sumed it up very well. That is how I feel. I do not know what to say as you have stated it so well. Right down to feeling jelous of that women wearing a dresss I would rather be in then she. The same time knowing as I am it would not be accepted as well. I have an overwhelming compulsion to wear womens clothing and without being able to put them on I do have some stress. What are we to do about this situation we are in? Do you have a SO? If so are they ok or not with what you do? I am glad I found your post. Best of everything to you.

Erica

Yes I have an SO and two teen aged sons who know very little of my crossdressing, Well, they have seen me in female shorts with a polo, female watch, shiny clear toenails, and not sure if they have noticed the bra as I do not wear a tight shirt on top on purpose. My wife understands, she is intelligent and I do not push it, but will wear a dress or skirt with wig makeup and jewelry on occasion if we are completely alone in the house. I do wear feminine underwear, and usually sleep in a chemise to the point that I sometimes don't feel right in just a T-shirt and panties when sleeping, so will change "tops". My wife was just diagnosed with Alzheimer's Early stages with some executive dysfunction - as you can imagine my emotions are on a roller coaster - about to retire and transition to pick up a second retirement. This is very hard. But we are doing all that can be done and will be looking as well for a clinical trial to participate in. I believe it is caused by what is called Type 3 diabetes. The brain is fueled by glucose, Insulin does not cross the brain barrier, and apparantly resistance develops to Insulin produced in the brain (it is thought the brain prodces it's own insulin) Insulin is usually produced by the beta cells in the Pancreas. Oh well. I am trying St John's Wart as a safer alternative to antidepressants you have to taper on and off of. We have a lot of huge stressors right now - for the first time in my life I went to counseling - but I was feeling fine at the time - was more of a planning session....

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sat Aug 01, 2009 12:18 pm

Anne I am really sorry to hear about your wifes problems. These things can be very distressing.

I had little success with anti depressants, but that's just me. WHat seeemed to work better than any pill was a good amount of exercise and reasonably good nutrition-HALT as an acronym for not getting to hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

Be careful with the St Johns wort. I don't know much about it but every doctor I've ever been to the last few years has asked asked me about herbal supplements and the like and the fact that they recognize they can interact with traditional medicine means that they can work. If they are strong enough to work then they are strong enough to do other stuff also.

Absaroka

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Tue Aug 04, 2009 7:22 am

I don't mean to dwell on it, I am under alot of stress that's for sure. HALT sounds good to me - I suppose I am like the previous generation in some respects in that I take my own counsel, and shrug it all off toughing it out. At least I am not denying it all and do recognize when it may be wise to talk and to try something like counseling and an anti depressant - Sharing it helps - we do need support and we do have many friends -though none who know of my transgendered nature.

Why are we like this, I was thinking of life as a transgendered person. Always there is a tension pulling from moment to moment throughout the day between my duel gendered nature from masculin to feminine and vice versa. At times congruent and conventional with my sex, yet I give way to very feminine desire that coexists in my spirit. I desire to feel femnine, and beautiful to experience beauty, loving and gentle emotions, to be open, vulnerable, submissive. Desiring to fit in with women to feel accepted as a woman by women. To feel supported, encouraged, nurtured, connected, accepted and loved as a woman. I am of course still a man but feel at one with women and this helps me to feel centered, decreases my level of stress, I feel relaxed, peaceful and happy - "nirvana?" I am thrilled when I feel understoon, acknowledged, included as as a woman for the moment I become an am a woman. From time to time I feel fulfilled and satisfied as a woman when my femininity is embraced, acknowledged, encouraged, supported. "You are a woman too" as a transgendered person this is the end point - to be accepted as both because we are. Our beauty is in our spirit not so much as our outward appearence it is how we feel about ourselves within. To ourselves we acknowledge that we are.

Crossdressers-Haven.com

Our desire

Our desire

Hi Carol

Transgendered

SO

Thank you