Can I just say, how good it feels

[Lily]

I just want to say how much I love this form. I don't know why I didn't look for someplace like this before. To be able to talk about the CD things on my mind makes me feel so much better.

I do feel like sometimes I'm unloading too much but I am so happy you are all hear to talk to, to share stories and ask for help.

Like many of us I have kept my love of crossdressing to myself for years. I have talked about how my mother walked in and found me dressing when I was just a child and made me feel so bad about it that I have not talked about it our shared it with people for years.

I have kept my feelings locked up because I don't feel safe. 15 years ago I moved from SW NY State to SE CT. I met a someone who became my SO and who I trusted enough to tell about my crossdressing. She was OK with it but didn't want me doing it around the house. It worked OK but I missed it so much.

After a while we agreed that October was my month. Any thing that required a costume or was Halloween related I could do in dress. I started waiting all year for October to come.

Then we broke up. I moved out and got a roommate. Turned out he was gay. If anyone could understand my crossdressing it would be him right?

The thing was, I still didn't want it known that I was a CD, and my roommate was a gossip. I soon realized that I was not going to be able to talk to him or dress around the house unless I wanted to world to know. lol

October became my month again. I would call up girlfriends and say, hey I have a party to go to, can I borrow a nice dress. I was a size 14 so it wast hard to borrow cloths. But I couldn't keep my own because my roommate liked to look through my things when I wasn't home.

Now I live with my new SO and a friend. She knows, my friend doesn't. I don't think he would have a problem with it. I just don't know him well enough to let him into that part of my world. Plus, now my SO is now the gossip and the only way I've gotten her to not tell people is because I've told her I don't want anyone to know. If I let our roommate know, then I think she would think all bets were off and she could talk about it. As much as I love her, I almost wish I had never told her. She can't keep a secret.

I'm pushing 40 now and have learned that Fem is a big part of me. The more Fem I am, the better I feel. I feel so good in the store looking for dresses or shoes. When I'm hope alone I get out a dress, full makeup and wig and do the house work in heels. I put on panties before I go to work and if the day gets rough I sit back and take a few seconds to think about the lace around my hips and the day feels a bit easier.

I like myself in dress. I feel good. I want others to see me. I just don't know that I'm ready. But if not now... When.
I would like to take my vacation this year somewhere that no one knows me and is crossdresser friendly but I don't know where or how I would do it. Plus I've never dressed in public just because I can. I don't want to be in someplace like Key West or Provincetown and look ridiculous.

In life I am a grown man. I should be ok with this. So why when it comes to my dressing do a feel like such a little girl. lol

This form has helped me get in touch with my feelings and made me feel so good. But now that I'm in touch with these feelings what do I do with them? Where do I go from here? How do I use these feelings to make myself a better, happier person?

[Absaroka]

Lily that is a lovely post. I feel the same way about these forums.

Zari

[Virginia]

Lily,

You raise some interesting questions, not they they don't come up a lot for all of us once in a while.

I can only express my sentiments about this "gift." First I firmly believe it is a gift, to be able to almost ascend into a "parallel universe," and just be who we think we are without fear or worry. There is a lot more to that than time permits to discuss.

Secondly, we only get one shot at this "trip around the sun." The nice thing that a lot of us miss is we control it, we are in control, the pilot so to speak. We can choose to ignore, suppress, repress this part of our being or we can choose to express it in ways that we are comfortable with. If we can not find that "balance" in our lives, however we are going to lead miserable lives.

Sometimes some of us are forced to take what I call "Virginia's Challenge." That is you get dress, stand in front of a full length mirror and look at Lily, not at what she is wearing or how pretty she may look, but look into her eyes, her soul and ask two questions, one "What is Lily worth to you?" two, "What are you willing to do for her?" Not every one can handle this or will get mixed signals or some are not even ready for it if done right.

The results for some can be life changing.

It is your life. You choose to be happy or not, in it!!!

Good luck and let us know how you are doing!

Virginia

[Lily]

Thank you Virginia,
This form has given the power to let more of Lily out when she wants to come out. It is wonderful.