Crossdressers-Haven.com

*sigh*

So there is a blog that I have a subscription to. I found it just a few days before I moved from Seattle. The author is right around my age, is located in Seattle, is a crossdresser and had a lot of interesting things to say. Whenever she posts, I get an email notification sent to "Laura's" email inbox.

Recently the author announced she plans to transition to full-time woman, is starting therapy, hormone treatment, and is contemplating surgery. As such, her blog posts lately have shifted from CD topics to transition topics.

When my wife and I first started discussing my CD'ing, this topic was visited a lot (as I'm sure most of you have.) "Are you gay? Are you sure? Do you plan to have a sex change? Are you sure?" No. Yes. No. Yes.

I am happy being a guy. Really. I like doing guy stuff. I like the convenience of it. I like dressing up (guy dress-up.. suit, tie, etc.) Frankly now that my CD'ing is a little more "out in the open" (wife only, but still more "open" than it's ever been) and is something that is on my mind, I also pay attention when I am in "guy mode" to how I feel when doing traditional "guy stuff." And I enjoy it equally as much. I just also happen to enjoy dressing in female clothing on occasion too. Don't really know why, other than sometimes it's just fun and feels good. I have NO desire to do it full time, no desire to have surgery. (Heck as it is, for a while in the winter I was dressing everyday, and after a while, some of the thrill was lost as it became an "everyday thing." I just kinda stopped, as I didn't feel like it. I can't imagine HAVING to do it every day!)

So my wife was playing with my iPhone the other day and found an email that pointed back to the blog I referenced earlier. She started reading, and after a couple posts - this brought up all the old questions again. "Are you sure you don't want to transition? There is a lot of email here talking about it." Etc.

It didn't help that there was another post in the same blog talking about how they weren't gay, but yet when dressed en femme, they desired to be with a man vs. a woman. So that started a whole other slew of "Are you sure you're not gay? Do you want to be with a guy when dressed?"

Yes. No. Ugh.

I am not gay. Being with a man does NOT interest me. No offense to those here who are gay or bi, but personally, to me, it kinda grosses me out. I don't become a different person when dressed en femme, I'm still me, and it really is just clothes. Men don't turn me on. Women do. And no, I don't want to do it full-time either. I promise, I am confident in where I am on the sexuality spectrum - which is squarely on the hetero side.

I realize that CD'ing is different for everybody. Some folks are happy wearing a small article of female clothing, and some folks want to go all the way. And I have no judgment for any of them. It's just frustrating when I constantly have to re-defend my position. (And this is NOT any kind of frustration towards my wife either... this is all new to her, I don't doubt she has some questions and fears that will only take time and reassurance from me to help her with.) But finding unfortunate stuff like this, just all coincidentally stacks up against me.

With all the stereotypical stuff out there on the web (showing that CD'ers are strange, weird deviant people), and then the stockpile of non-stereotypical stuff (such as like people here, who are normal good people)... how do you address this with those folks in your inner circle who know about your femme side? Do you just constantly have to reaffirm your position on your own sexuality and desires? Is there a way to just put the topic down once and for all?

There are a few million people that may identify as some type of trans*. And there are probably very few with exactly identical desires and circumstances.

What is right for one is probably not right for another, maybe in a small way, maybe in a big way.

So crossdressing does not have a defined slot when it comes to what we do, our sexuality, how we present (or not), etc.

I wish this was a bit clearer to the SOs.

Tolerence is important here also - just because one runs into somene that has different circumstances/likes, we should not shun them but be tolerant. There is no "conversion" - one cannot turn someone on to something they are not, especially with a post.

Anne

Crossdressing and sexual preference are totally independent, imho.. I'm a guy and like doing guy stuff too. And straight but I also the parent of a gay child.. which makes life even more complicated for my wife... I don't question my sexual orientation and neither does my wife... And we come in all variations... I've chatted with gay guy who had a boyfriend and was affraid to come out of the closet with his crossdressing to him for fear he would loose him.. Everyone has issues with it... No mater what your preference..

Laura Bird wrote: how do you address this with those folks in your inner circle who know about your femme side? Do you just constantly have to reaffirm your position on your own sexuality and desires? Is there a way to just put the topic down once and for all?

It's been almost 35 years since my wife has known, yet she still worries over this.

One just has to remain patient, and keep trying to be reassuring.

The problem is that I am not sure that I even undertsand me. How then, can my SO? What I thought were going to be concerns for her, were not and she had different concerns than what I had thought of. If this is playing out all over again, then your SO still has concerns. So love and support her. Let her know again, this isn't for you, it is for her. My SO is supportive of me, yet she thinks that I am nuts for wanting to wear a bra, or pantyhose, she thinks that they are hot and restrictive. The point is that I can not get inside my SO's mind and she can not get inside my mind. It is tough enough trying to understand the sexes in general, yet alone figure out our particular bent. Like I said, tell her again, it only takes a little time, and it is for her, not you.

I just feel like crossdressers get thrown in the transboat a little too often for comfort. Although splitting them apart would make it a lot harder for androgynes such as myself to find forums to hang out in, I have to admire how both communities tend to help each-other out and help educate people as to where the differences lie instead of just bending to the stereotype.

Azurielle is dead on about both trans and crossdresser communities are great in helping each other. Problem is that some of us, myself included, do not quite fit into that either. No real definition for part time time gals.

I really enjoy rebuilding trucks but not something to do in a dress, not a new one anyway.

It is really nice to move between both worlds. Today I am getting a pedicure with my SO and love it, but if I express that too much she will wonder why I like it so much. Feel like I need a sign, in girl mode not in girl mode. Guys are not my thing, maybe figure out how to tell the wife that just like her, I am dressing for other women. Not to attract them but every day is a beauty contest and the jusdges are everywhere.

Just want to fit in no matter what it is, probably not going to be able to drink beer and still be able to ask my buddy if he likes my new dress without getting punched any time soon though.

hi Laura bird.

Yeah I get what you are saying. I CD but I don't even identify as trans. I mean I'm not transitioning anywhere i have no desire to change into a men beyond a fantasy so why should i be part of trans whoever thought up that umbrella word is a moron frankly.
I don't even make a fuss of the word CD I just like to be butch sometimes and sometimes not you know.

Sometimes I just where boys underwear, sometimes i wear boy's shirts and butch up my hair and sometime i even stuff my boxers. but its just for fun. I don't even insist people call me he when I'm dressed i don't pass and I'm a girl and not going to change so why would my friends call me he. I like it on here though as its fun. alot of the time I'm really feminine looking.

I do think crossdressing has alot to so with sexuality But sexuality isn't just boys and girls it used to mean your sexual energy. being Cd just means you have a cool sexual energy and you like to use it with women and you ahve this nice side to you which likes to present in a certain way it doesn't mean you have to start desiring cock the minute you dress. I never really understood sexual fluidity how can it change and how can it change when you put on a bit of eye liner. makes no sense to me.

I'm bisexual always am always ahve been regardless of what i wear i do think its connected with my CDing cas i like vairiety in sexual attraction so why not clothing LOL.
but I would be so sarcastic if people thought I wanted to transition. hhmm why would i? And when people think i must be a lesbiana nd bi is just a cover up and are shocked that i have a male partner.
heck when I'm fem they are shocked i like girls and think i must be lying.
people are thick.
But your wife thats no problem what you need to do is just make sure she knows how hot you find her when you are dressed butch or fem. everyone like sto feel sexy and wanted, and your partner just needs to feel your passion for her a very genuine girl like passion. Just compliment her. not her clothes but her body and not ooo I'm so jealous your so thin but taht shes got a gorgeous rack and you desire her. step up sex maybe even when dressed.
then why would she doubt anything she'll be too exhausted too LOL.
everyone likes being desired.

Hi Laura B,

I am in the same situation as you. It is about the female articles of clothing rather than having a "feminine side". Psychologists term this Transvestic fetishism. You associate pleasure (it could be lack of stress or sexual or both, etc.) with an article of female clothing, usually undergarments.

I find my desire to occasionally wear panties very relaxing. Sure beats taking anti depressants

some questions you just can't answer enough even if you answer them to much. lacy

The pendulum swings back and forth, back and forth. I think that life is spent to much looking at extremes. We look at fanatics and extremists and shake our heads, yet in so many ways we ourselves see the extremes and not the middle ground. Male is at one extreme and female at the other extreme, but is that really so? I have known guys that other guys thought were gay because of what someone called an effeminate mannerism. Is that fair, No, but as long as extremes exist people will box you up and move you into there pigeon hole. I was at a training seminar, and the Instructor commented that in the "oil patch" only natural fibres were allowed, and that meant no nylon underclothing. Well you should have heard the comments come out. The homophobic bashing carried on until lunch. People in general will always miss understand why someone has a need or desire to do something outside their norm. I will keep my underdressing to myself and my SO, and then I should not have to explain myself to anyone. Men need to get in touch with there femme side and women need to get in touch with there masculine side. Maybe the world would be a better place for it.

I'm with Glyn on this one, finding where you stand in all this is like probing around in the dark where your only leads are various ''labels'' tugging at you in every direction.

I'm still wondering why we need all those labels anyways. They unite us, yet somehow always keeps us at an arm's length of communities that could help us. They give us something to hold onto, yet make us vulnerable to mountains of misconceptions. It's like a maze on a Torus knot.

It`s so refreshing to see that I am not the only one who feels like this. Although my wife has never asked if I was gay or wanted to become a woman. I told her about my crossdressing early in our relationship and explained everything and she accepted it. She know I am a man who enjoys dressing as a woman and does not want or is intrested in men in any way. In the past I have looked for crossdressing forums and sites that feel the same and had a hard job finding one the was not aimed at gay or by people. I iike being a man and I like dressing as a woman, thats it. Why do us men have to justify what we wear. Women never have this problem , well not of late anyway. If a woman wears jeans no one bats an eyelid. If she wears boots .....nothing if she decided not to wear lipstick...nada...puts on a suit made for a man ...again nothing. If a man as much as ties a silk scalf round his neck the he`s gay. I just do not understand and never will.
Thanks for posting this , now I know that this site is not bias.