A very confusing experience

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 5:33 am

I had not intended to post about this episode and am still feeling very nervous about doing so now, but I find that it is playing on my mind, and it is something that I really can't talk to anyone else about so here goes. It may be that due to the nature of the post moderators may want to move it, but I'm not sure about where to put it.

Last month during a period of very hot weather here in the UK I had a long drive, so took advantage of the situation and dressed comfortably, in this case that means my white floaty summer dress with just bra and panties under, with a pair of lowish heeled orange/tan pumps. (this is the dress I am wearing in my latest picture in the gallery) When dressed I like to have my nails polished and obviously need to be made up. Mostly I was comfortable, and not anticipating any interaction other than maybe with the staff at a coffee stop.

As I said it was hot, and the traffic was bad, the M4 just ground to a halt as it can, on this occasion I think it was an accident ahead. Getting fed up I pulled off the motorway and took to less major road. Feeling the need for a cup of tea I looked for a tea shop in all the villages I passed, but with no luck (did I mention it was a Sunday) I didn't want to stop at a pub on my own, I'm not that confident. Passing Runnymead I remembered that there is a refreshments stand, fairly basic but with seats outside, some in the shade some in the sunshine. By now I really wanted a cup of tea so I stopped, bought my tea and sat down. As I parked my car and got out I did notice a man in a nearby car paying me quite a lot of attention, I just smiled and carried on.

After a while the same man came up to where I was sitting and asked if he could join me, not wanting to cause any type of scene, and quite liking the opportunity for Paula to interact with someone who wasn't being paid to be nice I welcomed him. We chatted for a while exchanged names, it was all very friendly, then I slowly realised I was being chatted up (hit on for the Americans) and rather liked the experience. I liked the attention, the flattery, the feeling of being desirable, and when he started to put his hand on my bare arm and my hand I rather liked that as well. I tried to be discouraging, but maybe I didn't try hard enough, I told him I was married and had no intention of doing anything other than chatting.

Of course he had intentions well beyond chatting, somehow, I'm still not sure how we ended up in the back of his car necking, and when I felt his hands exploring more I was equally horrified and excited. If time and the risk of public exposure had not been issues I don't know how far I would have gone, but the fact that we indulged in some pretty "heavy petting" makes me think that I may have gone all the way.

My issues around this are
1/ how could I let myself get into a situation like that to start with
2/ was it just that he made me feel like "a real woman", was it curiosity, or what.
3/ I enjoyed the experience, I enjoyed the attention, I enjoyed the physical aspects, ( just relating the experience now is raising my blood pressure)
4/ If time hadn't intervened I am sure I would have succumbed to his invitations to "spend a night" with him.
5/ I have always considered myself to be totally heterosexual, and have always been faithful to my wife, even though we have not enjoyed a sexual relationship for quite some years now.
6/ I now know that it is not true what they say about black men
7/ I was not particularly attracted to the man, more the experience.

I know that this sounds a bit like some fantasy related on Fiction mania, but I am more than a little confused by what I did, or allowed to be done to me. Not least that I was (and still am to a certain extent) excited about being in a sexual situation with a man. I am quite sure that this is an aspect of being Paula, when I am "him" there is no way I would do anything like this, but then I didn't think I would as Paula either. I have told my wife and my friends who know about Paula, that A I am not woman trapped in a man's body, I will not transition, and B I am not gay, I am happily married totally heterosexual family man. both of which I always thought were true. Does this mean that I have homosexual / bisexual tendencies, or that Paula is a real woman and heterosexual ( if so then she is also a bit easy! which is also worrying)

I had always felt that I could indulge my need to dress fem, sometimes wearing quite feminine clothes while not presenting as a woman, because I was secure in my self identity and my sexuality. This experience has undermined my whole sense of self identity.

I didn't risk giving him my phone number, but did take his, I have thought about ringing but have resisted, and the names we exchanged are not our real names (I am quite sure). I think I can consider this episode closed, but what will I do next time? especially if the man is more attractive (personality or physical).

I hope to go to my local support group this weekend, but I don't know anyone there well enough to want to talk about this, so it's up to up you sisters.

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 7:04 am

Well, there's a million things you can say about this. But, apart from the obvious one about "Take Care", the one that comes into my head instinctively is that this has to do with thrills, excitement and new experiences - that the sexual aspect is in service of that.

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:07 am

Paula,

I really don't know what to say. I find men have zero attraction for me and when I have been approached amorously I have always declined, graciously in most cases.

Only you can decide what happens now.

Dolores(GG) · Post by **Dolores(GG)** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 10:52 am

This episode seems to be really shaking up your perception of your own orientation. I would invite you to consider that straight, gay, bisexual aren't always good at describing a fluid thing. You already understand the fluidity of gender, since you are a CD, so why not give your sexual orientation the same benefit? You have been straight your whole life perhaps because the interest never had a chance to develop- but now, through a combination of things, you allowed that experince. It doesn't negate anything prior. I think it's a combination of factors: being in a sexless relationship, I could understand wanting to feel sexy. I think this man gave you that, and I think feeling that you were Paula and not "yourself" was not really a "Is she heterosexual" kind of question but more that when your in CD, it allows you a certain mask. A certain feeling perhaps that you can do these things that "you" would not do?

Being bi myself, I find it's not the bits that make it exciting, as much as the experince. I like being with women because it makes me feel so masculine. I don't see why not being with a man could make you feel feminine. As I said, I think it's a bit of everything, but I wouldn't let your attraction freak you out because it seems like you were more attracted to the situation than the guy.

Carolynn · Post by **Carolynn** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 11:27 am

Hi Paula. You are not the only cder who finds occasional attraction to a guy while dressed, and treated as a woman. Try not to let it bother you too much. It doesn't mean, for example, you are gay, your just an explorer. At least that's how my friends who are cders descibie it.

Flirting is fun, and I guess a little petting is not bad either. And you found a chaser(probably experienced) that wanted to try his luck. It's surprising the number of guys that wanna have sex from a girl with something extra, but for him it would likely been you doing a BJ and he would be ready to go home.
Carolynn

Post by **DonnaT** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 1:48 pm

Dolores made some good points.

I wonder if you've been out dressed fem and been sexually attracted to other women.

If not, it could mean that the sexual orientation of your fem side is not the same as for your male side.

I've known some CDs who dress and only been attracted to men, yet when not dressed find only attraction to women.

You had a number of things all happen at the same time, out dressed enfemme, feeling sexy as a woman, being chatted up, being chatted up by a black man, and apparently being sexually frustrated.

Maybe the adrenaline rush and endorphins (endogenous + morphine) gave you a hormone cocktail that overloaded the opiate receptors of your brain and left you vulnerable.

As for your first question, why did you let yourself get in that situation, I couldn't say. Curiosity/fear?

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Tue Aug 09, 2011 6:45 am

Sweetheart you are not alone with this I just believe people don't want to talk about it because of what they may think of you.
I admit I went out a few weeks ago with a man on a pre arrange date and enjoy the hell out of it.

Now maybe a little petting and necking if OK but I would never let Carol get into the back seat of a car as my fear is what will happen if he finds out you are not a real women.

I can read the headlines now

Erica S · Post by **Erica S** » Tue Aug 09, 2011 7:57 am

Paula,
How very exciting for you to have had that experience. I know you have had many emotions stirred inside of you. One thing to keep in mind what would the man have done if he found out that you really are not a woman as he thought or did he have some idea? It could have turned out badly as Carol was saying. I speak for everyone here...we would not wish to hear of anything bad happening to you. Enjoy your Paula time but be careful ( I am sure you have heard that many times before ).

Hugs,

Erica

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 3:33 am

As Carolyn said, it's not an uncommon experience, Paula. There can be something very gratifying about getting sexual attention from men when you're presenting your femme self to the world.

I started life as a heterosexual man, too, so I could never really understand any man's attraction to me, as a man. I even tried bi-sexuality, and it just didn't work for me.

But when I had to chose to take my girlself out in public, I was surprised to find out that I didn't mind men being attracted to me, as a woman. Because I understood that attraction; I liked women, myself. So if I provided a good version of female gender, I knew what moved men, and what many of them liked about women in general. It is a real high for me to provide some of that for men. I don't do so now, because I've got a committed partner. But I miss that kind of interaction, and I know how powerful it can be. Don't be too upset that you found yourself falling into that experience.

I'm sorry that you're caught in a bind where this brings guilt, but it is understandable that you might respond to attention and touch after a long time with no sexuality happening between you and your wife.

From the sound of it, I'd say your partner knew what the situation was before he got involved. Or else, he was already looking for someone like you.

CJ · Post by CJ » Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:34 am

Hi all,

Yep. What Dolores said. Especially about the similarity between gender fluidity and sexual orientation fluidity.

Still, if you're married, seeing other people (even if it's only heavy petting in the back of a car) is the very definition of unfaithfulness. A couple of take-em-or-leave-em recommendations:

1. Be careful. While the thought of sex with strangers may be appealing to some folks, you never know what you're getting yourself into. There are also a lot of trans-hating idiots out there who'll get their hands on a sister by first seducing her while pretending to be a chaser or an admirer. And, if you do find yourself "going all the way," for Pete's sake, wear a condom!

2. If your marriage is no longer providing you with the emotional and/or physical needs that allow you to flower and develop as a person, consider options other than engaging in extra-marital affairs. Getting some nookie on the side and in the shadows, however thrilling and whomever with, is just plain unfair to your wife. She no doubt has needs of her own and I'm sure that being rejected in just this manner (should she uncover the tryst) isn't one of them.

Other than that, it seems to have been quite an experience for you. Ah! the things we can still learn about ourselves, even when we think we know ourselves to the core! Amazing, isn't it?

Love,
CJ

Post by **DonnaT** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 6:57 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9nSU2hAqK4

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:50 am

Paula there are lots of good thoughts here. I'll add a few although what you describe is outside my personal experience.

Bisexuality is a continuum. Some folks are 90 percent attracted to the opposite sex and 10% to the same, in others it's reversed, and then there is everyone in between.

There also seem to be a certain percent of CDers who are only attracted to men while dressing as women. Mix in a continuum of gender, a continuum of orientation, and everyone's personal uniqueness, and you have quite a range of possibilities. Whatever it is, it's just who you are. It's tempting to say you aren't hurting anyone so go ahead, but......

Yes it's being unfaithful, at least if your wedding vows were anything like mine. You'll want to think about that. I'm not clear if your lack of sex with your wife is mutually acceptable to both, although this does happen to a lot of married couples over time. You will want to think carefully about this.

Also as was said, be careful. There are STDs, there are creepy tranny chasers, there are stupid men with bad tempers who don't realize what you are till too late, and there are possesive lovers.

You glossed over it but is there anything to the inter racial aspect of this for you? My first date across color lines, which ended in just a kiss goodnight, had a lot of stuff going on inside my head.

Zari

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Fri Aug 12, 2011 6:27 pm

I'm in thinking with Dolores. Particularly don't label the sexual experience with hetero, etc. that's the least bit of importance if any importance at all.

You got hit on; you liked it. That's what the whole discussion should be about. You have to decide if it will be a one time thing or you will be looking for more. You have to decide if you will specifically stop advances or play with them. You will have to weigh the risks etc of any more such events or decide it was very nice but that was enough. We are just people with needs and it sounds like you had some satisfied just at a vulnerable moment -- good or bad, right or wrong. You decide.

BE CAREFUL... either getting into more situations or trying to avoid the situations.

Joan · Post by **Joan** » Sat Aug 13, 2011 4:52 pm

I agree with Davita, you were bouyant with the attention you had whilst CD & let things develop. You have been bi or bi-curious, or it may only be a one off exploration.

The meet u had with a stranger this time was good, with no repercussions. It is not something you can repeat though as u may not be as lucky another time. If you still have a need to explore your sexuality, then you need to find a safe way of doing it.

All the best Paula, hugs
Joan

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Sun Aug 14, 2011 9:36 am

Thank you ladies, you have all been most helpful, and supportive.
Donna hit on a very big truth, this was certainly a big part of the excitement of the experience, along with the attention, the feeling of been desired, the novelty of the situation, I think that maybe this was all more important than the physical.

I have learnt from this that I need to be more careful, and must not let others take control of situations when I am vulnerable, and also that I have a lot more to learn about being Paula. I am sure that having let this Genie out of the bottle it will be very difficult to get it back in, but I need to be a lot more circumspect in my contact with men, and not let my curiosity run away with my good sense.