Crossdressers-Haven.com

When I bought my first decent wig, the woman who sold me it had one question; "What are you going to do about your eyebrows?" I said they'd go away to some extent and that seemed to satisfy her. And, indeed, whenever I wore that wig, to make it work I had to cover my eyebrows otherwise the face was unbalanced.

But eventually I got fed up with that. My eyebrows are naturally quite thick and bushy and out of control and my technique for covering them was not up to creating anything like a flawless look. So I stopped wearing the wig, which was a pity because I really liked it.

But that question of hers stayed in my mind. The more I got into dressing up like a woman, the more it became clear that I’d eventually have to do something about my eyebrows. Because no woman out there has eyebrows like that (for a start).

I had been trimming them at the centre of my face for a while, but in the last month or so I started trimming them back elsewhere, until I finally bit the bullet and trimmed them back as much as I could without making myself look overtly feminine as a man. That turned out to be much more than I expected and I actually quite like the look - more than I did before.

The problem had been that, because I think my face is kind of androgynous, I was afraid of fiddling about with this obviously masculine element much at all. I have still to meet many people who know me really well, but so far, no problems. Like I said I think I still look alright as a man.

And low and behold, I tried the wig again - and it worked. But also, and this is the odd thing, I found myself getting more into the woman I become when I dress up. It’s like, in going right to the edge of my comfort zone in terms of my masculine appearance, I was able to bring out more of “the woman within”.

That was like in the middle of last week. After that I managed to get myself into a particularly stressful situation and, as so often with that, I went to my girly stuff. For some reason I wanted to wear a long black wig I’ve got. This was an expensive thing I bought over the internet and I’d never been able to get it to work.

The thing was I have naturally black hair and, when I was a child and played Titania in a school play they gave me a long black wig to wear - and later on, when I had clothes of my own, I had a long black wig that worked. So it seemed like a logical thing to buy. But, I reasoned, maybe I’d got too old (my hair now has bits of grey and is receding and I’m 58) and I just could wear long hair any more. On the other hand I look quite young for my age and my eyebrows are still (very largely) black. So…

Anyway I tried the wig without makeup but with my new eyebrows and I thought I could see something. So then again I tried last night (when I had more time), made-up, and this wig worked also. But what I didn’t see coming was how much I would get into the woman. Bang, it was a whole new thing. Like before the person there would just take over my face, but now it was like my whole body was this person. It was amazing…

So…I don’t think this was just the eyebrows. I think there are some other changes in my life (to do with my commitment to my writing) that are part and parcel of the same thing. Probably some of these are quite deep (if under the surface). And probably I still won’t be able to get a decent picture out of myself, but still…..

Hi Anthony--
Well, I'd like to see the picture, but everything in its own time. It's quite an interesting post. It brings up that point that someone on here once asked: at what point in your preparations do "you" disappear, and "she" appears? It's usually some combination of the wig and the makeup that does it for me, although when my own hair was long it was more the makeup.

Eyebrows are a real focus point. I keep mine trimmed; I don't care for the wildness they take on, even though they're blond now. I do not like the fact that they make me look older now that they've disappeared. Part of the appeal of my girl self is that she has dark eyebrows, and so she looks younger. I've tried darkening my eyebrows just slightly in male dress, but it hasn't worked consistently. It does work onstage, though, where makeup is more acceptable for either gender.

But what I didn’t see coming was how much I would get into the woman. Bang, it was a whole new thing. Like before the person there would just take over my face, but now it was like my whole body was this person. It was amazing…

That is scary and intriguing all at the same time, in my experiences of it. Over time, I've come to accept it as the status quo, and gotten comfortable with it. It took some processing, though. I think that overall it can be a beneficial thing to experience.

Anita wrote:Hi Anthony--
Well, I'd like to see the picture, but everything in its own time.

Hi, Anita. I'd like to see the picture as well! I'm not the greatest for taking photos of myself because...well photos of me tend to turn out not too well anyway (in whatever mode). But it's definitely getting to the point where I should see what I look like and have a record of it.

It's quite an interesting post. It brings up that point that someone on here once asked: at what point in your preparations do "you" disappear, and "she" appears? It's usually some combination of the wig and the makeup that does it for me, although when my own hair was long it was more the makeup.

Thanks. With me it was when the wig goes on. But there's a definite sequence, of which that is the end. Like makeup, then underwear, then wig. And I know when I see the (approximation to a) woman's form the padded underwear gives - with the madeup face above, that's a long way to it. The wig kind of makes the woman pop out, but she's pretty close to the surface before that.

On the other hand, there's a whole school of thought that says that while you're making up "she" gradually appears. Like there's a couple of female impersonators, Danny La Rue and Lavern Cummings, who have interviews saying that. And today, for the first time, I experienced part of that. For some reason, I quite unconsciously picked up my reading glasses while I was making up (which I'd never done before) and saw my face with the foundation and the eyes done - and thought, my God that's a woman. And from then on I was kind of in the zone, though I faded in and out.

Eyebrows are a real focus point. I keep mine trimmed; I don't care for the wildness they take on, even though they're blond now. I do not like the fact that they make me look older now that they've disappeared. Part of the appeal of my girl self is that she has dark eyebrows, and so she looks younger. I've tried darkening my eyebrows just slightly in male dress, but it hasn't worked consistently. It does work onstage, though, where makeup is more acceptable for either gender.

Small amounts of hair dye (Or maybe you tried that)? ...

But what I didn’t see coming was how much I would get into the woman. Bang, it was a whole new thing. Like before the person there would just take over my face, but now it was like my whole body was this person. It was amazing…

That is scary and intriguing all at the same time, in my experiences of it. Over time, I've come to accept it as the status quo, and gotten comfortable with it. It took some processing, though. I think that overall it can be a beneficial thing to experience.

Well, this is that whole conversation we keep having. And the question always comes up - am I going to be alright when I've done this, or am I going to get stuck in this woman and never come out? For me, it feels like I have committed part of myself to her and that isn't going to go away - and I feel there is some reality to the person and the thing is good. But I am still scared about the unknowability of the whole thing.

[Edit: Just to be clear, when I started to makeup etc I was really keen and was in the persona. But I also found, hours later, that although I wanted to go on with the thing, it felt kind of empty to do so. So I got out of the clothes and the makeup. Which hurt - a bit, but not much. To me, it looks like I both have desire to be a woman and to be a man. The being a man keeps me grounded. Now I don't know if it's going to go on like that. But, for the moment, it seems like a workable way of living my life.]

I think somewhere I've just come to the conclusion that this is the road I have to go, though. So...

I have ow got into the habit of having my eyebrows threaded this certainly helps my female appearance, but also it is not dramatic enough t detract, indeed I think it also enhances, my male appearance.

Anthony Simon wrote: And the question always comes up - am I going to be alright when I've done this, or am I going to get stuck in this woman and never come out? For me, it feels like I have committed part of myself to her and that isn't going to go away - and I feel there is some reality to the person and the thing is good. But I am still scared about the unknowability of the whole thing.
.

This is a bit of a worry I love being Paula, but I am also him, while it may sound vaguely Gothic there is a worry that Paula could totally take over and subsume him totally. At the moment I believe that the dichotomy enhances who am, and makes me a more rounded (sic) empathic person.

Anita, looking at my face, I can see that it would also look older if my eyebrows lightened. But, on the other hand, this thread has the premise that it's the interaction between hair and eyebrows that's important. So, if you can't change your eyebrows and get a result, maybe you can do something to your hair - like lighten it and try a more angular cut - something to add a bit of punch.

Paula G wrote:

Anthony Simon wrote: And the question always comes up - am I going to be alright when I've done this, or am I going to get stuck in this woman and never come out? For me, it feels like I have committed part of myself to her and that isn't going to go away - and I feel there is some reality to the person and the thing is good. But I am still scared about the unknowability of the whole thing.

This is a bit of a worry I love being Paula, but I am also him, while it may sound vaguely Gothic there is a worry that Paula could totally take over and subsume him totally. At the moment I believe that the dichotomy enhances who am, and makes me a more rounded (sic) empathic person.

Yeah, there's all sorts of different ways of looking at the same thing and I'd go with Greek rather than Gothic. It's all Greek to me...No, but seriously...

In classical Greek times they had these rituals, the Dionysian rituals, which are generally recognised to be the place that drama came from. In these early dramas you had a couple of actors on stage who played a series of parts, plus a chorus. These actors (always male) impersonated various characters, including women. So, in a sense, they were the first female impersonators.

The interesting thing is that, in Dionysian ritual, the participants are "taken over" by the God Dionysus - like become vehicles for his spirit. But, if the actors playing the women were anything like the female impersonators I talked about above, they too would be taken over by a spirit - the spirit of the woman they were playing. So, and this is a big jump, I'm taking the "being taken over by a God", the actor playing a part and some (at least) female impersonation as being generically linked.

And, to some extent, I also feel I fit in there. Because what happened to me today was I was taken over by the woman. Let myself go into her - and found that I could think my way around a writing problem I couldn't do as a man. Once I had done that, I knew it was time to get out of the clothes - though I didn't want to and it hurt. In a sense it's like a performance. The woman performed and did her bit and then it was time to go back to being a man.

I think it definitely plays into who I am out there. I'm pretty sure it makes me a more integrated person - and, in that way, stronger as a man. But I think it is also pulling my everyday interactions towards more "maternal" ways of thinking. Because that's what the woman I get taken over by is - a middle-aged woman who's had children. Which is odd as I've never had any. But perhaps that's just expressing a side I've never had the chance to let out.

Anthony - I have been having similar thoughts recently! It occurred to me that the development of musical knowledge has been a similar experience for me. When you get into singing, you naturally start listening to lyrics, pitch, timing, breath control. I have done some recording (in a minor way), and the recording process teaches you to listen for layers of different instruments. The process has changed me - I cannot go back - I hear Music differently! I know people who cannot hear what I hear - to them music is a single layer! An overall effect!

In dressing as a woman I find that I am developing! I encounter the world in a different way and it will never be the same again! I can remember a time when I would encounter women through a sexual lens. There were attractive ones (pick whatever random criteria) and then there were the others! (OK - I was never quite that black and white - but you get the gist!) Not only do I not do that now (I can - but I chose not to), but I see so much more in the whole range of women!

I am beginning to think that this journey changes us and I can't imagine how one might put it all back in the bottle! All experience changes us! Recently I have noticed how I scan peoples appearance in a feminine way! "Like the jacket, that's clever what she's done with her makeup, I wonder how she gets her nails like that, actually the jacket is a bit short in the arms - but seems to fit in the body! That's a snag isn't it - do you size up or..." It's like permanantly having the radio on in the background all of a sudden!

I also find that I am more compassionate - less black and white! I can also let things happen now - not leap into trying to find a solution. I believe that I am developing into a far more rounded individual.

Its a scary ride. Where will it all end - because I can say with utter conviction that given the cash I wouldn't want to transition M2F and that I like being a male / masculine too. And the journey will change me, so if I take these steps at some point I might think differently!

Ginny x

Anthony Simon wrote:

So, if you can't change your eyebrows and get a result, maybe you can do something to your hair - like lighten it and try a more angular cut - something to add a bit of punch.

I did have my hair cut last week, and it’s a big change. I gave up on having my long hair for girl time, but I feel so much better. The long hair was not attractive—just too hard to keep looking good during the day.

Paula wrote:

This is a bit of a worry I love being Paula, but I am also him, while it may sound vaguely Gothic there is a worry that Paula could totally take over and subsume him totally.

This never totally goes away, I don’t think. A transsexual woman makes her peace with this at some point, and allows the woman within to take over. The rest of us are somewhere else along the spectrum. There are CDs that never worry about this, and then there are people out in the middle, who do think about it. I still do. It comes up every once in a while when I don't want to change out of the clothes at the end of the day.

Ginny wrote:

In dressing as a woman I find that I am developing! I encounter the world in a different way and it will never be the same again! I can remember a time when I would encounter women through a sexual lens. There were attractive ones (pick whatever random criteria) and then there were the others! (OK - I was never quite that black and white - but you get the gist!) Not only do I not do that now (I can - but I chose not to), but I see so much more in the whole range of women!

I was surprised to find this effect for myself, Ginny. I had gotten less judgmental about women’s bodies over the years, but it never entirely went away. As soon as I began to go out as a woman, this evaporated. I understood more how women get judged on appearance, for one thing, but that wasn’t the biggest factor. There was just some understanding that went with living the role. I also didn’t have to prove myself as a guy anymore, and I could talk and laugh with all kinds of women better when I was dressed. I didn’t have to keep my distance and worry about ‘coming on’ to them. The woman role I’d taken on took most of the sexual tension away.

To stay on topic--it's tough to keep eyebrows looking good as a man ages. The brows want to grow wild and bushy, along with the nose and ear hair. I have to really stay on top of all three of these, along with the daily beard-shaving ritual.

When I go and get my nails/toes done, I usually also get my eyebrows waxed and plucked. Then too I go to the nail salon dressed as JoAnn. Yes, all the techs know I'm TG. I have found that no one even blinks an eye at my eyebrows. I have even gone as far as to have both ears pierced with gold studs and letting my hair grow out. Again these don't seem to make a reaction at all. In fact I recently did a face-to-face job interview with the DEA, and received an hiring offer yesterday (which I accepted). On occasion I get Mamed while in drab, but I just act like I never heard the person say it. I will chuckle when someone Mam me then realizes I am male and acts like he/she never said it.

I suppose JoAnn's point is something like if you feel strongly enough that you have to express your TG identity publically, then, at least for her, it works out. Whether her reasoning has effected me or not, I certainly found myself going into my local Boots and buying cosmetics for the first time. I've always avoided doing that, going somewhere non-local.

The thing is the dressing up force is getting so strong within me that, in a way, it was rational that it should kind of increase the visibility of my CDing - just as a way of expressing that. In terms of people here, it's a kind of baby step, but still...

But this is what's happening to me right now, the CDing thing is an active, quite powerful thing. It seems kind of lacking in judgement to me, it’s so desperate to get out, so I hope I’m not going to muck myself up with it. The odd thing is the power of it is coming out in me as a man as well. Like it's a dual nature thing.

oh in my earlier days.... That urge has caused me to do some crazy things in my life time. Fortunately of no consequence. If you don't appease the urge in some way, the craziness just adds up. You call them baby steps; I call them growing pains

Take it all in stride and don't let it upset you. As you cope with the urge, you figure out how to deal with it and what may "set it off". You're going to get a reasonable idea of what makes you tick; you won't necessarily understand it, but you will know what's going on.

Above I wrote:

But this is what's happening to me right now, the CDing thing is an active, quite powerful thing. It seems kind of lacking in judgement to me, it’s so desperate to get out, so I hope I’m not going to muck myself up with it. The odd thing is the power of it is coming out in me as a man as well. Like it's a dual nature thing.

And in one of Paula's threads:

I feel kind of wound up with all these whirling, conflicting emotions about the CDing and just where it's going (see my eyebrows thread for some of that) and don't really feel controlled enough to open what feels like Pandora's box with another person unless that person is a professional therapist.

After I'd written that - about seeing a professional therapist - I thought "you know what that means". So I made an appointment to see my analyst, who I hadn't seen for 2 years, in the hope of sorting this stuff out. I saw him today and he basically said it was alright was I was doing. Which is both a relief and a green light to let more of this stuff come out, with him around as a check and a balance.

Amongst other things he said that I admired this woman who I become when I dress up. I said (as I've said here) that she seemed wiser than me - had her life sorted out - and I could do with a bit of that. We laughed along together, but in agreement, at this idea.