Crossdressers-Haven.com

I have been trying to quit, I know this is not a good topic here but it relates. I carefully packed everything in plastic, then into old suit cases and then to the back of a storage area so it is difficult to get to. Out of sight out of mind. Abstinence because I am conditioned to associate sexual activity with femininity. Getting back to what I used to be like when I was younger (though there is probably not a time when I was not on occasion desiring to cross dress and to mastribate after age 9). It became more and more common, did not go away after marriage then eventually carried over into wanting to wear a chamise and be on the bottom but my wive extremely rarely was on top if ever.... So lifting some weight, jogging, using my electric razor or not being so intent of trying to remove every trace of facial hair. Dressing only in masculine clothing. I have also been trying to see the beauty and attractiveness of women and to be more turned on by their beauty and their differences from men in thought etc.

I believe at some point when the idea became lodged in my brain I began to envy women, with mastribation came opperant conditioning so much so that seeing anything reminding me of women gave rise to my being turned on, envious and wanting to be a girl. Confusion plays a role as well, I believe. http://psychology.about.com/od/behavior ... opcond.htm" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;.

So knowing rationally and objectively that I am not physically, psychologically and never ever will be a genetic female I have been attempting to stop so that I become what I am, to be happy that I am a man, being sexually attracted to women, how the look and how they differ from men.

I am not so sure this is a genetic flaw with in me but more one of confusion, envy, conditioning and association, and self delusion.

Even so the trying to stop though it causes no harm to anyone and is not a problem for me or even to some women who will still love us and understand - after nearly a month the crack cocaine like addiction to dress ramains. I am conditioned not genetically created this way.

Any way I wonder what Y'all think? I am not sure I will be able to stop this behavior. But I think this is a valid idea that may very well answer for some at least "Why" and I suppose that is alright.

If it something that is based on conditioning for you, then hopefully you can break the habit/addiction by abstaining. It may take quite a while, however.

What do you do now, when the urge strikes, to focus on something that will take away the urge?

One of the problems is that we are not aware of what is going on in our own minds. In our conscious minds we are very aware of what we are thinking, but what about the unconscious mind. There are so may things that we do that falls into the unconscious category, like lacing up ones shoes. Do we think about how it is done, no, we just do it. So how much of our behavior is tied to our unconscious minds? So, for how long have you, or anyone, told themselves how much they love wearing panties, they love dresses, and wearing a bra to the point that it is just become second nature that they don't think about anymore? Then why would we want to change a behavior that we enjoy so much? Many things are an acquired taste, like the first beer tasted horrible, my first cup of coffee, I thought why would anyone want another? Their are some out there that think that most of our minds activities are taken up by unconscious thinkings. Behaviors become so routine that we don't think about it anymore, I wonder how much of this tied into CDing? I have read that our dreams are linked to our unconscious minds, so what are your dreams like? I know that my dreams have been strongly associated with CD behavior for as long as I care to remember. Is this just the well worn wagon ruts of the mind? Can we break out of the wagon ruts, and blaze new trails? The answers all come down to who you talk to. Wise words from a wise book says, "as a man thinks in his heart, so he is", so how do you change that thinking? I am prone to think that it is possible, but not without help, and it needs to be the right kind of help. Wise words say that we can be transformed by the renewing of our mind, this makes sense if we are stuck in some deep wagon ruts. Just more thoughts to think about!

Without getting all analytical, I just have a couple things to say. Good you didn't purge the expensive way but instead packed away things. And if the urge didn't go away or your mindset stays the same, don't be punishing yourself with guilt and disgust.

Sorry for being brutally honest it is kind of crude to just come right out with it but it is not like these are things we don't know about or do.

I did not purge, I know better and If I find I have been able to move to the conventional side of life and have no desire to look back after a while the wig will dry out, the clothing will eventually develop that musty smell and I will not mind discarding the items.

I am aging, the metabolism has slowed down, my legs are beat up and scared from working in the yard, not much fun knowing at this point I no longer have the potential in my mind to possibly achieve a pleasing look.

When my wife goes...I will want to find a new life partner and my options expand greatly if I no longer desire this.

Well, to answer you Donna - caring for my dying wife has really taken the wind out of my sails, age too as I said. So Abstinence is one tool. We are bombarded by stimuli hundreds of times a day. I have been getting in touch with my old self and enjoying being what I am a man, purchased the shampoo I used to use prior to using girly shampoos - Aussie Moist - there are no men's shampoos, perhaps suave? using my Old Spice Deodorant, using my electric razor more, etc little things just being me. I have also been trying to look at women as women, enjoying the differences, and trying to plug back into desiring rather than envying them wishing I were them etc - you know how that goes. At one time it was much different the stimuli led to desire not to envy and wanting to wear and be and want submission etc... It is a change so the stimuli I am bombarded with I have to keep being turned on and thinking about women the way I used to is helping me to re establish the desire so that the stimuli produce conventional male thinking and desire.

I don't know if it will work but seems to be somewhat. I have to consciously block the old thoughts and massage the natural ones. I stop the "wrong thinking" and encourage or allow my mind to reconnect with the normal masculine desire - God what a body! She's so pretty, I love her voice, I even think gee it would be nice to be inside of her, play with her breasts, etc... It seems to work or be working. But do admit I let some of the old thinking get to me today. Will I be successful? It is too early to tell but it seems to be working more than it is not. I will just have to see. And If I find I fall on occasion will that become less and less over time? I do not know what I am going to find it will take time to see.

Anne:
Making a commitment to take care of your spouse at this time is major. This commitment again to the one person that you have shared life's experiences will help in redefining yourself. Be well and be safe with your journey and may the outcome be what you most want from your life.

Thanks. I am a Christian, I believe marriage to be a sacred vow internally in my head and in my heart so there is no other choice for me otherwise I could not live with myself though it feels like being in jail with life passing me by someday I will be "goin' home" Sissle Kirkjebo gives an outstanding pitch perfect and crystal clear interpretation of this song, I had heard the tune which is Dvorak played by the army band at my Father's funeral in Arlington and always wondered what is the name of that tune, what are the words? I turn on classical music for my wife at night, and sometimes in the morning and instantly recognized the tune when it came on, though puzzled why a funeral tune would be played I moved to the TV to see, then went to you tube to find a beautiful interpretation by this beautiful Norwegian singer. If you go searching look for the version with the big "star shapes" in the background if so inclined.

While I have been testing a move to have my sex and gender in sync based on this new thought about conditioning, envy and confusion I have in the last few days begun thinking no I am not a woman but if I have these feelings what difference does it make? I do enjoy dressing on occasion. Why not? It would be easier to find a new life partner without this desire If I could just be "normal again" if I ever was because all of this has definitely been going on in my life since I was 9 years old, and I can remember being exposed to wearing a dress even earlier in the midst of play with my sister though it only lasted a few minutes - she was wishing she had a sister in play at a very young age.

Obviously our society is now moving toward recognizing yes there are people - primarily men who wish they were women and want to present that way. I think I may move my wig out of the storage area though it is sealed in a box and wrapped in plastic - heat and humidity is not good for it though it was only about $45 and purchased years ago.

Quote, 'If I could just be "normal again",' yea, so what is normal, when you find that one out, would you please tell me. The problem with the term normal is that everyone thinks that they are normal, so they judge everyone by their standard of what normal is. Then guess what, just when you get close to their standard, they change the standard, it's called a no win situation.

Quote, "While I have been testing a move to have my sex and gender in sync based on this new thought about conditioning, envy and confusion I have in the last few days begun thinking no I am not a woman but if I have these feelings what difference does it make? I do enjoy dressing on occasion. Why not?" The thing I like about coming to these type of sites is that no one is here to judge. If you were wearing the clothes as a disguise to rob banks, then I would say it is wrong. If you are looking for some stress relief and some enjoyment, then who are you hurting? No one I hope, but only you can answer that one. If you were a guy who liked to wear a ball cap and cowboy boots, that would be perfectly exceptable, well you are not, so get over it. You just have to use some discretion as your taste in clothes runs a little different from the main stream!

If I had a dollar for every time I wished that I could just be normal, I would be rich. But then again by what standard would that be. It is whats on the inside that counts. When you get a gift given to you, are you more interested on the inside contents, or the wrapping? As my mother used to say to me, "don't judge a book by its cover". We shouldn't judge people at all. But we and others do, so if we do, let it not be by the wrapper, but by the contents! We will be judged by our thoughts and intents as well as by our actions, but only you can know what your thoughts and intents are.

Well, though this has been going on while I was away from the site I seem to have come full circle again. I moved all the items back to their place or at least in the closet where the environment is controlled year round. And...I have had some episodes of dressing again.

I suppose a leopard does not change their spots. If I enjoy it on occasion why not. I do enjoy it perhaps age is not as important as how I feel inside, if I feel feminine and I am able I will go with it. Perhaps I can now let it drop.

Gillian wrote:If I enjoy it on occasion why not.

Bingo! Self acceptance is the most important thing. I'm OK. You're OK. We are OK. To feel otherwise is to risk self-destructive behavior.

One thing I share with Popeye the sailor man: I am what I am.

Hugs,

Bernice

I am working on opening the door a little wider my gender is definitely a mix and always will be.

i don't consider myself to be abnormal. compared to murderers, rapist, and bullies, we're an improvement. we're leading the path to a "kinder, gentle nation". in a few hundered years everyone will be able to do, be, what they want, as long as it doesn't violate anyone elses freedoms. humans still haven't evolved from the animal brutality of 'kill or be killed', and cull the weakest from the pack. we are moving the future towards a time where inner peace and loving one another are the norm. 'don't worry, be happy'.