Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hello Ladies!

So I'm in a philosophical knot (so to speak) and I was hoping you ladies could help me untangle myself. I come here because many of you have spoken with me know I am very supportive on CD/TG issues. However, in this instance I find myself getting very annoyed and I feel very guilty. It is not who I am at all.

I have a friend/acquaintance who has semi-recently transitioned. For the life of me, I can't wrap my mind around it. Maybe because most trans people I have met after and never before or maybe because they, as a person, has always grated my nerves a little bit. I keep calling her by male pronouns and using their male name. I see posts online and get rubbed the wrong way by forced comments along the lines of "Oh, it's worst than getting your period, right girls?!" I saw this person for the first time after transition, and it didn't feel natural. The voice, the attitude, it felt like I was talking to someone who was putting on a show. I don't know why I am being so negative but I feel it just bubbling up inside me. I don't want anyone to be offended, I want to understand what it is that is bugging me and making me so catty!

Maybe part of it was that when I spoke to her, in an attempt to find common ground or let them know I understood in some regards, I told her that I considered myself transgendered, but that I don't personally have an interest in surgery or drastically changing myself (the money, the pain, the process! Plus, FtM options are...lacking). I have what I have and most days...I dont think much about my GG body, I am just "me". They seemed to blow it off completely and didn't acknowledge me at all and just went on talking about themselves right away.

Point is, I still feel like a jerk.

Hi Dolores,

Is this person FtM or MtF? That kinda makes a difference in how your post reads?

It doesn't affect that some people are just horrible no matter what gender, sexuality or ethnicity they are? If you are truly non-bigoted/non-racist (which I'm sure is the case) then of course you're going to dislike them equally before, during and after they transition?
I've also seen people who have a feel of 'faker' about them and Ughh..they're usually the placard waving types and noisily shouting about how bad things are for us and how much of an expert they are. Sorta like they're 'trying too hard?' It's as if they dress for the cause, not to 'feel normal?' They don't represent me, they annoy me greatly - yet they have every right to be who they want to be. Just like I have every right to not talk to them..and I don't. I dont think that makes me unsupportive at all cos Its about personality not what they are.

The worlds full of backside-hats and the odds of never meeting one are very very slim

Hi Karin! They are MtF. I think your right, they feel fake somehow. They ONLY post about trans related things now, only talk about their experience, and it doesn't seem like they are comfortable in their skin...when you would think now would be the time to be so. I was just hoping that was so and I maybe I was getting it more tangled than I should. I want to weigh in on trans issues but sometimes I feel like I am not welcomed or included, and I guess that makes me insecure about my reactions to things.

Anywho, thank you for your post! (and you look gorgeous in your pic if I may say so!)

Dolores(GG) wrote:Anywho, thank you for your post! (and you look gorgeous in your pic if I may say so!)

You're very welcome! And thankYOU for the compliment! *stop it I like it, stop it I like it.

Maybe its just a stage theyre in and it may petter out.. a sort of 'shout to the world' thing? Or then again maybe its them being competitive (an ugly carryover of male psych) as you were born as they wish to be? Are they as blunt with everyone else too? Meh either way it sounds like the issues lay with them and not you in my opinion.

Try not to feel insecure. - Your opinions and reactions are every bit as valid as anybody else's and you have every right to have them!

Hi Dolores,

You're a pretty honest (straight!) person. My reading of your post is that this person is offending you because you think she's being dishonest. With me I get the sort of response you're having when people pretend they're on my side and I know that, if I believed them, I'd be left in the lurch when the time comes.

It's the appearance that they're on my side, when actually they'd betray me, that pisses me off. And it really pisses me off. Leaving aside the TS/TG stuff, that's what your response reminds me of.

I don't know, maybe this person pretends to be on your side in the gender wars when really they're not.

Hi Dolores, from what I inferred from your post, I think Karin is right. These people are just not the nicest or the most open-minded folks. Yeah not open-minded. It's sad but every community that includes some grey scale of belonging has those that are the righteous and think only the purest can belong and then you have those with "enough in them" to know they belong and are happy to be with everyone.

I've seen a version of what you're going through in other trans chats. Oh you have no idea what I'm going through; I'm transitioning some day. You're just a mere cross dresser. I can't be bothered with hearing your concerns or believe you have anything to help me. Those folks.... I doubt seriously very many people liked them -- ever. In addition, you can't be expected to like a fake, a snob, a fake snob or a snob fake.

Quote,"I have a friend/acquaintance who has semi-recently transitioned".
That can be many things to me, but I am getting the feeling that this person is either hedging their bets, or wanting a little of both worlds. As the expression goes,"to thy own self be true", and you may be questioning whether this person is being true to your way of thinking. The only way to get through this situation is to sit down and talk about it with them. Then in the end you will get a better understanding of what is going on, and maybe you could help them within their situation. Who knows they may want to talk to someone about what is going on inside their head.

This sounds to me like a very insecure and pre-emptively hostile person who really isn't comfortable in their new skin. She's not interested in anything you have to say, so ignore her. If she behaves so dismissively in public I'd take her to task for it right there, and ask her if she meant to be as rude and dismissive as you felt she had been? She either tones it down or she cops to being rude and dismissive or tries to excuse it. Rarely will anyone say that yes, they intended that and feel that if you have a problem with it, it's your problem, not theirs.

Her opinions are her own, and she has every right to them. But if she attacks others ad hominem, unfairly, or in a bigoted manner, you have every right to say what you think as well.

Long ago I learned never to let a racist remark go by without comment. For bullies and bigots, silence is agreement.

Sorry if this sounds too aggressive, but that's how I feel and how I try to behave, no matter how I'm dressed.

I'm a little more circumspect now that I live in Louisiana rather than Los Angeles, San Francisco, or Portland, but only a little.

Karin, it might be just a "phase". I don't think so...I know some of my other GG friends have taken issue with some of her comments as well. I want to respect everyone in how they see themselves, if you present as female I will treat you as such- but pretended that you menstruate is a bit grating to me.

Anthony, I'm straight!? Not *too* much I hope. :D Your response is a great one. I do think something is making my spider-sense tingle, so to speak, and it probably has nothing to do with the TS/TG stuff.

Davita, yes! yes! yes! I feel that way in conversations sometimes. Somehow I don't measure up to speak about the subject. That feeling doesn't help then because it puts me in a defensive place and I get offended by something or other.

Gillian, talking about it would be the best advice, but honestly- I wont be seeing this person at all because I am moving soon. It was just on my mind and I couldn't shake it.

I guess it has been a sensitive subject with me. I have not strongly identified as female throughout my life, but I live my life as a female for all intensive purposes. I want to be included in the community, to feel like I am not alone in how I see myself...yet, I am sure everyone looks at me and I just look like some dorky girl. I don't think I'm taken seriously, and when she blatantly ignored what I said and proceeded to talk about...shoes, or whatever- it stung. So maybe, all this got tangled in because- how can someone act like I cant pretend to know how they feel when they most certainly pretend to know how I do?

Maybe that is it...that intangible something I was feeling angry about and couldnt get out of my head. The feeling, real or imaginary, that I am not included in the conversation makes me feel somewhat lonely and resentful.

Paulette, I think , really, they are just very self absorbed. And I usually say something, but I kinda let this fester and at this point I cared more about dealing with the root of my own anger or insecurity than bothering to rectify this persons behavior.

Thank you ladies for your comments! It is much cheaper than a therapist!