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I have been "in the closet" my entire life. Here is my letter to my wife.

Dearest wife,
Since you have found this, I can't even imagine what is going through your mind....anger, disgust, betrayal, confusion, loathing, fear... I would not blame you for all those emotions as it has to seem I've been living a lie and been lying to you. You are right on both accounts. How could I tell you that this is a part of me? I am so afraid of losing you that I would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. But... this is and has been a part of who I am since I was a small child. Yes, I hunt and bring home meat that we enjoy so much, yes, I cut wood to heat our home, yes, I do all the chores.....lawn work, landscaping, fixing the house, dealing with all the "manly " things that you entrust to me.... but you had to notice that I also did the choosing of artwork in our new home, I was creative in my woodworking, played guitar and sung beautifully, cried, when you didn't, over movies and yes, even commercials on tv. I am a man, but I also have a feminine side that I cannot hide. It's a part of me and I embrace it. To not embrace it is denying who I am. The history of when this happened is not important, but you married me knowing this was me and loved me for it. I cannot apologize to you for being "me", but I do apologize for not being totally honest when I should have been. You were, and still are, the love of my life and to jeopardize not having you at the time would have been a loss I wasn't willing to bear. It would have been just an impossible task for me to disclose this to you as it's been an impossible part of me to sometimes understand myself.
I left my secret exposed to your finding in the hopes that you would find it, or maybe not, but I could open this part of me up to the possibility that I could finally have a confidant, friend, lover that would accept and understand who I am.
I love you. I never want to lose you, but I feel like I'm betraying you by not letting you have the option of making your own decision. It's not fair to keep this from you.
This is what I want to do. Question is..... Can I?
Jenny

Good luck with what happens. I personally would have done it in person and not left a note but you know your wife and I don't.

I was thinking of adding my note to my cache of femme collection. Just in case she found it. Cowardly, I know..but it would or might be easier that way.

By the way, Thank you Sarah . I appreciate your comment! I'm open to, and not upset with constructive advice.

I find the note a good idea. Who knows, you might get run over by a Mack truck before you come out. It would be helpful. As for coming out in person...

For some reason you have remained a chicken for a long time. Now it's just plain harder. It's not bad to be a chicken; it's not good. It's what happened. BUT somewhere you have been getting hints over the years to make you question about coming out. Has that changed or are you to the breaking point that you have to come out?

I have suggested over the years to others in your pickle to start with asking questions at moment in time. Also notice how your better half is around or with alternate life styles. Like do you guys have any gay or lesbian friends? Get to know how her mind works again. Then formulate a possible approach. BTW, there will never be that right/perfect moment; they just never happen except when they have passed. I have also suggested dropping hints like a peek of panties now and then. Nothing bold but a tiny quick showing without saying a word... Like an innocent plumber's crack kinda peek that you cover back up quickly but not too quickly.

Hi Jenny. While it is very difficult to come out into the open, the suggested way is face to face communication.

While my wife did know of my CDing it has only been recently that I have recommenced after a very long abstinence. When I had the courage to inform her of my recommencement, she was somewhat shocked and is not so forthcoming this time as was previous. She remains tolerant but afar from me when I am Requal. Time is slowly bridging this gap.

Face to face allows your wife to ask questions, express her feelings and make informed decisions on your responses. It also provides you with the opportunity to openly express your on going love and support to your wife. If you wish to use the letter, I recommend you read it to her directly as an avenue to open up the dialogue. Requal Jo.

Wow, Jenny. This is resourceful, it has pros and cons.

Pros: Your letter - quite eloquent, by the way - is serial. It says everything that needs to be said before interruptions or questions get asked before you get to the next point. It can be read or re-read several times and consumed as a whole. If it never gets discovered, then you don't have to deal with the turmoil/shock/emotions that would come with a face-to-face dialog. Not a bad thing, provided you can continue to live in the closet.

Cons: If trust and transparency is as big a deal in your marriage as it is in mine, then when (and I don't really think there is an 'if') your letter and cache is discovered you will have a major trust crisis on your hands. You relationship may not survive - that is your risk. The problem here, is no matter how eloquent you letter is, it will be viewed as an escape hatch in case you happen to be caught. Could get nasty.

Good luck.
Kelly

Jenny,

Perception, all is perception. You're not the man I married. You have this fetish. The mind boggles. I don't fault you for wishing to be honest but there is honest and then there is honest. My perceptions of men is that they do not wear women's clothing. My perception is that men do this and that but not that and this. So what do you do? If you are honest you may be bashed on the head with that stick called conventional morality. On the other hand you may take the risk that your wife will understand.

Is there an answer? No, never was and never will be. Life is a crap shoot. What matters is what you feel. You want to be honest, then by all means, be honest. You may get bashed on the head for doing so, but so what? What matters is what you think of yourself. I support you in your efforts.

I have told my wife some but she's made it clear she likes DADT so we don't discuss it much. I have a similar note in my dress up box. Here are a couple of thoughts.

I added that since she is finding this I may be dead, and that I loved her and our children very much. Also that all I ever did was play dress up, I did not go out and pick up other men or women or anything like that. (this is often a big fear of our spouses)

I also had to consider that this might in fact be found by our adult children in the event of my wife and I simultaneously dying in a car accident or something, and addressed that in the letter.

Many of us do have some sort of a "in the event of I'm dead so I can't explain this" letter to spare our loved ones what their imagination could inflict on them.