Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hum..This is a dissertation on panties - Of matter and panty-matter as the Lazy Crossdresser says.
interesting...I slept in my t shirt and briefs of course I grew up this way being influenced by a military father who never wore pajamas unless it was freezing weather. The other strange thing is I learned to tuck my t-shirt into my briefs as if I were wearing a shirt. We are not boxer short people we wear briefs with the stupid fly in front that is never used and is irritating because if the briefs are too big or loose - well it sticks out which is irritating, I have learned that I like firm support, do not understand boxer briefs with everything just hanging un supported and then your jewels can be caught in the seam and cause considerable discomfort - never understood why men would prefer wearing boxer style underwear.
Anyway I suppose briefs were the fore runner to fly less briefs which are ...well very little different than female panties! Now panties come in a multitude of feminine colors - yeah feminine colors pale pastels pink, baby blue white black medium blue, pale yellows, tans...and there are different styles full granny panties, hipsters, bikini, thong, "boy-shorts" which I tell you no boy who is not a transvestite would ever wear! There are silk, nylon, cotton, lace, edging may be plain or lace, or a muted lace and the edging has elastic to keep everything smooth. There are also different prints floral, butterflies or whatever. And these are just woman's panties the combinations are seemingly infinite. Until you see the full plain white cotton panties women tend to wear when they no longer care and pack on the pounds! Ba-Donk...Ba-Donk! ewe!!!! Disgusting - looks like two pigs fight'in in a tater sack and when she passes each guy she passes goes - eyahhhh!
Still another thing is that the extra layer of cotton material is in the crotch not in the front for extra absorbancy with the only seams being at the sides and right in front of the crotch or gusset and right behind defining the panties as women's panties. Oh...and don't forget women may put sachets to give scent to their delicate items women are heavenly bodies!

Anyway I slept in my underwear not lingerie. got up and did my male grooming, shower with Irish Spring, shaved using my double edged razor with the single blade one my father had stuck in a can with military stuff in it and old medals, military can opener and lighter... This is an antique! And the Pawn Shop guy is right all you need is a single blade - 5 blades were $1.59 instead of $14. bucks!!! the blade is indeed easily rinsed and works every bit as well as the stupid 5 blade razor that costs about $9.00 on average! I have found that technologically advanced things sometimes have severe drawbacks that the older technology never suffered from - like the pixels and the freezing and skipping of DVD's and CD's that never occurred on VHS, Cassettes, and 8 track which were indeed an advance over vinyl records which were a step above wax cylinders which negated having to hire a musician to follow you around in your carriage.

So I got up this morning and did the usual male grooming with not a thought or desire to cross. I put away the big pink bath puff, pulled the pink razor off the shower wall and the pink soap and put it under the cabinet. Put the wire brush in the drawer and put the standard black male comb on the vanity top. and got dressed I did note - I should remove the top coat from my toenails but did not want to take the time and effort that would involve which is easier than removing a colored nail polish because it is clear.

I marveled - I feel like my normal male self with no desire to even think about feminine things let alone any desire to dress that way. I thought about that picture my sitter showed me of her sitting on a fireplace hearth with the fire burning in a pretty skirt and top, she is such a nice lady, and is an attractive person. I suppose somehow it encourages me to be a man..."Act like a man!!" "I am a man...senator..." I wonder at all of this biologically why? Why. I have been very curious and have wanted to experience all the sensations - all of them...that women feel, dress as they dress, etc...and I think I know as much as it is possible for a man to know what it is like to feel like a woman to some outward degree though by no means mentally which is of course impossible for us even with a sex change because we are not and will never be a woman, we are born with a male brain (not sure about the trans folks out there but my brain has a penis I suppose figuratively - is wired that way and influenced by testosterone, or whatever it is that makes our wiring and use of our brains to be on a plane front to back rather than in a plane side to side toward the frontal lobe where all the executive functioning exists.

So here I was and still am when I realized taking in some visual stimuli of women's shoes, and seeing the ladies on TV that like the computers that state "intel inside" I have transvestite inside. I am a transvestite it may not define me, it may not be anywhere near the majority of who I am but it is most definitely part of who I am as a person. I get inklings of desire and thought and before long I may turn out fully dressed bejewelled, made up, wig, lingerie, dress, heels, stockings, perfumed, and in utter reverie as if I am soaking in a relaxing hot bath feeling fully in sync feeling feminine and dressed that way and fully identified and desiring full acceptance and understanding and inclusion as a person who is very like a girl if not one indeed. The highest degree of rapture would be to be accepted into the company of women as a woman or as someone who is very like a woman who wants to enjoy being considered as and included inside the circle of women. Sharing interests with women, and the things they like to do. Strange...This is who I am I suppose the Indians have it right in that we are two-spirited people it really does describe my two exclusive states of mind. When I am one, I am not the other... Thought of the day among others...

And nobody knew his name...or is interested in reading this anyway. Long and boring. but it is my thought of the morning this morning before I move on. Grocery day - ratz!

Life is like a clock, an old grandfather clock. It sounds like the pendulum has swung to the other side...for now. One of the things that I have attempted to do in my life is to become consistant within who I am. Have I succeeded, in some areas, but not others. By consistant, I am meaning, have I treated everyone the same in love, have I reacted the same within different situations. I don't need to have an angry outburst one time and not another, I don't need angry outbursts at all! My life has been like a rollercoaster, and I hate rollercoasters. Trying to level the playing field is not easy, yet it is something I feel that I need to do. When it comes to Cding I want to get a balance, or level field also. How have I attempted to do it? The best way so far has been to avoid any extremes. These are my ideas of me avoiding the extremes, no make up, no wigs, no frilly dresses, no frilly tops. The feminine balance comes in the form of, panties, cami's, tights (it's cold up here in the winter), skirts while wearing a comfy guy top. Does this stop the pendulum from swinging into one side or the other, no, but the extremes are not as often, or as extreme.

Whether we are two spirited, or just have a mix the masculine and feminine, I want to find a healthy zone in which I can live. I don't need "Mr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde" ripping me apart. I guess I am an extremist when it comes to extremes, I just don't want them, but the clock pendulum just keeps swinging...tick...tock!

Hi Gillian...I suppose my balance exists. I am the same person mentally all the time, but my masculine and my feminine are separated and I tend to enjoy both fully but not at the same time, on occasion I may be inclined to mix and match but this is what works for me and I feel quite balanced this way. I suppose we all compartmentalize or blend depending on how our individual mind works and with this I am happy. I am happy, and feel the joy inside of knowing I am at peace with who I am - this is who I am!

Quick edit...went over to provide am care getting wife up for breakfast and in the midst my fancy flew to a quick adjustment panties, cami, and bra placing the t shirt and briefs just put on this morning into the drawer incase the fancy struck me to change back some time today or tomorrow? Glad I left my toenails clear top coat on and I am happily dressed and furtunately the aid arrived in opportune time to give my wife a needed bath so I will go set the breakfast out. This is how it all works for me, and I will go about my day even to the commissary and BX because under thick winter clothing - who knew!?

I am happy, and feel the joy inside of knowing I am at peace with who I am - this is who I am!

Being at peace with who you are is the most important thing, and I find this usually comes with self acceptance. Whether someone wants to change, or stay the same, this peace/acceptance is the starting point.

This is how it all works for me, and I will go about my day even to the commissary and BX because under thick winter clothing - who knew!?

I just came in from clearing the walks and driveway of snow. It about -8C right now and going down to -25C tonight, how cold can it get on the gulf coast...just being sarcastic!

I live directly on the back bay of Biloxi here there is .75 to 1.5 miles of open water depending on where the wind comes from so when it blows there is absolutely nothing to slow it down. Last night the rocking chairs were rocking on their own and occasionally bumping the window panes. It is nothing to have winds in-excess of 30 mph to 55 mph...imagine the windchill hum... right now the temperature is what I consider cold 49 F, this morning was 39 with that wind. But I recall about 15-18 degrees. Our winter her is January and the usually colder February and then it starts to ease off and warm up gradually. From late October through May 31 the temperatures are springlike and wonderful but beware June 1- Late October (Hurricane season June - November) temperatures 90-105+ with humidity usually in the 90-100% range walk outside and just stand and within 10 minutes you are soaking wet! Miserable!!!!

I will take the cold winters over hurricanes any day. We do risk a twister in the summer though, but that is fairly rare. Never seen a twister, live that is, but I have seen a couple of funnel clouds. They start, but never get to the ground. That is good considering that one was over my house! Cold weather does allow for tights and pantyhose under your pants, they do help keep you warm. That extra layer conceals those strap lines also. We all have our burdens to bare, don't we.

No burden, I have been in my bra and cami all day long and at times havn't given it a thought. We are a hardy group on the coast but I can tell you I spend lots of money to maintain a contingency fund, as well as wind and flood insurance and regular home insurance, there is no way I would have the money to rebuild Mom and Dad's house which I inherited. Mom knew I loved this house because it is on the bay, waterfront is where you inherit it, at heart though I am a Floridian and hated giving up my Florida Residency. on ancient maps I am still living in the extreme western part of the old Florida Panhandle so I can kind of compensate.

Hi,

Since this Lady is by the fire place, in ones mind ill poke the fire a bit, not to much just a tiny bit,

Okay, what if one can show two aspects of ones self and its not seperated just one no male no female just well maybe some of both maybe a lot of both , and if you look i mean ....REALLY.... look im not sure what youll see i know what i see, a person that does not need be bound by , the are you male or are you female really im both and my mind does not just see a male or a female , its so interconnected you just can not seperate its so close together, not even a knife can cut between the two, the makeup of one is its the all of who one is,

oh the fire is a lovely red colour now, quite nice as well... spos its time for a snack,,,

You tend to enjoy both fully just not at the same time, you mean you can seperate male from female,

Sorry,,,,,, im stoking the fire a bit more maybe to much

Now that mess's with my whole being to even think that let alone do it, mentaly i can not, apart from not knowing how to,

Gee the fires getting to hot im off ,,,snack time,

...noeleena...

Oh...the picture of my wife's sitter sitting by the fire and looking nice? Yeah, she is more of a friend who works for me...hum...can that really happen? I guess I really like this lady but I am employing her to sit for my wife and she does a very good job. she really cares - I let one sitter go just sat there - zero initiative I felt like what the hell am I paying her for, I might as well do it all myself!! So I decided I needed the money more than she did. Anyway outside of work my favorite sitter would not be here were it not that I am employing her so ... when my wife goes perhaps I can employ her just to come and do light housework and talk to me - I have no one - NO ONE!! My sons are sons and really in the final stages of late teen life. I need someone to talk to. I have NO ONE!!

It may be after my wife goes...and when will that be...judging by how things are going certainly not more than a little over 8-9 months to a little over two years. She is weakening and declining just completely out of it and completely dependent - were it not for me she would die because she is completely helpless - I am not perfect but I am doing my best with my RN experience of providing care, which is really not much more than any person with common sense and a sense of responsibility would do. But I owe it to the former love of my life - former because she has not been the person I married since 2010 when she started going in and out of the house, wandering around hallucinating and shouting. I really lost her in that year in large part, though not really I am in a sense caring more for her physical being as the state of her mental awareness is very very difficult to determine now sadly but that is as it is and I am at peace having accepted that still I owe care and love to the end and will do so she is my wife, I took a vow and that is etched in every fiber of my being, I love her. But everything has changed. I am managing decline for a good death, a good death...how ridiculous is that, can death be good? Death is - it is just a fact that brings an end to suffering primarily for her, but also for myself because there are two victims here. I am the lucky one because I can recover - well mostly recover to the extent that is possible for a widow and can then start a new chapter of the life I have remaining with new people in it, perhaps that sitter? I can see taking her sailing, or for a drive in my spitfire for a date or out to eat. Does not mean marriage or even sex but who knows conditions working out, and a mutual attraction?? Of course there is none of that there for either of us right now, in my mind though I would like to get to know her and to spend some time doing fun things together then I will see....Who knows? I certainly have no clue at this point - even if she would be willing to do some things together for social company and conversation and mutual enjoyment.

As for The idea of two separate spirits - here is my idea of this. I am one person, and while I may under dress or do some mixed things, when I am dressed and into being fully male there is not thought or desire for wearing anything feminine or even in giving feminine things any thought at all, and vice versa so I think it is really true in that sense that I am a two spirited being when I am not in the middle of the gender spectrum - my gender feelings or identity does indeed shift I am usually and mostly masculine male, but can be kind of in the middle, or my flights of fancy may fling me into my feminine female self where I totally identify with women and feel female as I as a male define those female feelings and what they consist of which of course is different than what a GG senses they are after all physically born female and have been influenced by female hormones, socialization, and life every second of their life since they were first aware as a baby - we as transvestites have absolutely no clue about any of that - and I bet they just are without giving any of it any thought whatsoever - to them who they are just naturally - IS nothing more or less.

Your comments brought back a flood of memories about when my Mum died. In the last year while she was dying of cancer my Dad brought in a sitter/housekeeper to help around the house. I was 18 at the time and was alienated from my Dad, as we were both going through this decline leading to the death of a loved one. Looking back I can now see how the tragic events drove us apart, rather than together. Let's face it, guys don't share feelings, they do things together. Any man who has a daughter can see the difference in how he has to relate differently to girls, from that of boys. Sadly this sitter/housekeeper drove a wedge between my Dad and I from which it never really did recover. They got married a year after my Mum died, and 6 months after the marriage, the honeymoon was over...big time. It was not that she was bad, or anything, but that she wanted to make sure that her meal ticket was there to keep her safe. Dementia took her in the end after my Dad died.

Years later after things improved some what, my Dad said that I had deserted him in his hour of need. My jaw dropped and I said, yea what about me, I was the kid, you were the adult, who was there for me! Yes we were both alone, we both had no one. Any disaster will either bring out the best, or worst in people, in our case it didn't bring out the best in either of us. We both payed the price for many years. It was at that time that I got into drugs, to mask the pain and hurt, and it took many years to crawl out of that hole. My Dad drank heavily for the year before and then after his wifes death, but managed to smarten up and get on with life, it took me 10 years.

I continually read about how many of us use Cding as a stress relief tool, I used drugs and Cding for many years. I gave up the drugs, but never gave up the Cding. Whether we have two spirits, or one, I don't know, what I do know is that we all have our ways of dealing with stress. Personally, I think that Cding is better than drinking, or drugs. I know guys that go out to a gun range and shoot things, that is ok too, as long as it hurts no one else in the process. If you want to shoot a gun while in a dress, whatever floats your boat, I guess. We all need something to get through the day sometimes, so let's get through it and hopefully we can be a bit better for it in the end.

Great post...one son is excelling, rising to the circumstances, the other seems to kind of go his own way being 20 and in college. I have always been a crossdresser so I don't know how it applies now. I have been doing a string of challenging little projects - fixing things, things I may know nothing about and each success is a small thrill. I hear what you are saying about the sitter and in my heart I know that you are right. I must keep myself from such thoughts and I also know she is very involved with her family while I would be wanting to be a free spirit with no attachments and marriage with all of it's commitments may be the wrong answer especially in the initial years when I am alone again. I also know should I marry I am screwing my boys out of clear title to their inheritance from me because it would pass to a wife who is not their mother and unless my will could draw very clear and unbreakable will perhaps giving my wife a third, and the sons each a third but .... that is just not right either for them. I suppose I will have to live the single life and just date on occasion and see what happens.

I am not implying that you need to stay single, just be very careful. I got screwed out of some inheritance, but that is ok considering that she had to put up with him for about 16+ years. The point is what may seem acceptable now could change once the vows have been said, they did in my Dads case. Don't build one relationship at the expence of others, your boys still need you, yea they might not say it in so many words, but they do need you. Life is to be enjoyed, and if dressing up helps you get through the day, then what's the big deal. I don't envy you and your situation, my heart goes out to you, all we can do in this life is attempt to do the best we can. I attempt to live life by not rushing into anything, I used to be rather impulsive, now I weigh out all my decisions carefully. Hence I now encourage others to do the same.

I appreciate good advice. I want to leave a legacy to my sons as I had from my parents, if I marry how do I protect their legacy? Seems to me the new wife would have to have her share if I went first and might just screw my sons in favor of any children she might have without an ironclad will filed with a third party. Perhaps it would be better to have total freedom and just have a lady friend or two along the way with no commitments.....

Just having a friend or two would be ok if that is what you would want. I think if you eventually find a nice gal who loves all of you, it would be nice to marry again if that is where things go for you Anne. Just be clear to whomever if anyone, that your boys are going to get what your have saved for them and your legacy is not for some gold digger that may want it. That is what a will is for and if a women loves you, she would understand. I would draw one up soon and have it clear where you want your estate to go. I know you are not old or feable but as you are future thinking it seems to be prudent. Just my thoughts on that matter, Good luck to you...

Hugs,

Erica

Thank you...I have a will but wills do need to be updated as things change and evolve. I worry if I were to die before my wife that her snagle toothed redneck mother would get her clutches on everything and leave my son's penniless because she indignantly stated about my having put aside funds for their education "They can get a job!!" she thought we should be using that money to pay for her new house - it makes my head spin to think I mean what the hell kind of grandparent are YOU?? She has a borderline personality disorder which means she is bossy and controlling and that also means deep down she is extremely hostile to me at some level because she cannot control or manipulate me the way she did my wife, her daughter, before my sweet wife declined with Alzheimer's Disease - she is a horrible person at a basic level.