What does crossdressing mean to me? Whoa!
Early in my life, it meant I was the strangest little boy on the planet. It frightened, yet somehow entangled me in it's grip. Later, when I found I wasn't the only one, I was suddenly part of a minority group feared by the masses as somehow perverted and for me, more fear. Perhaps discovery! But still, the attraction grew and grew. I needed more time to explore the unknown and make it my known.
In grade schoold through high school, I learned the pain of envy! Envious of the girls in my school who wore fabulous dresses with full skirts, petticoats crinkling underneath. How they took it all for granted, and of course they would. It for them just was following fashion. It just was.
In college, I learned greater fear. It was a time of life when manly was paramount! Testesterone flowed free in the males in my age group. Anything unmanly was rigorously chastized and hated by 'real men.' Cartoons played fools of men who wore women's clothing. If only I could have released myself from the bonds of crossdressing....
Marriage.....finally the spell would be broken and I would be free of the burden of crossdressing! But no...it's grip too tight, my self worth diminishing more each episode. Then divorce. Crossdressing had won. I wasn't much of a man. I was to be loathed. Now everyone would know, surely she would spread the word. What a freak!
Through all the turmoil of life to that point, crossdressing gripped me tighter and tighter. Why? Crossdressing was such confusion, such pain, such pleasure and so important. It was so many unanswered questions!
Then the internet! I found I had a new name. I was no longer required to call myself a transvestite. I was a crossdresser! I wasn't alone, far from it. I was not an associate of creeps and perverts! These were nice people, most of them. We all were searching for answers and now we were starting to figure some of them out.
I found a new love in my life. She was....special to me. Crossdressing meant I would lose her I feared. But it didn't work like that. She listened...she learned....she told me "it just is." Hmmm....it just is?
What is crossdressing to me. It has been, and always shall be part of who I am.
What I have become and what I will be, is shaped at least in part because I am a crossdresser. It's not a game, not a habit, not a passing fancy. It just is.
I still have fears. I have questions. I still have doubts. But I think I turned out pretty well as a man, and very well as a person. Crossdressing to me? It's just me.
Joanna
Wow, Hope...you said it all. I´m speechless...
Joanna
Goodness, thank you everyone. I was afraid I might have rambled a bit but I guess it's struck a chord.