yet another why I cross dress thread

[Absaroka]

I was talking via the pm function to someone here recently and mentioned that I have had much less desire to crossdress lately. So of course the next day the desire returned full force and I have been looking forward a lot to my time at work (I work alone) when I can do this. Funny......

But I've been thinking a lot about why I like to do this and it does seem that some of my feelings are changing a bit.

First of course there is the sexual component. Maybe everything is a smoke screen and for me this is the equivalent of a bunch of pin ups on the wall of the garage. Maybe the mild arousal it produces just brings about a bit of an endorphin high and I enjoy having my runners high all day long without having to actually go out and do vigorous exercise.

Interesting thing is that although like many of us I used to always masturbate when I got dressed, I actually do it less when I am dressed now. Sometimes it seems to spoil the mood.

So that's the sex part. I keep thinking there is something else going on.

I don't relate much to the folks who say CDing puts them in touch with their feminine side. As I have posted so many times I can be nurturing, gentle and empathic as a male. Maybe this has to do with my former employment in the mental health field where these things are considered a good thing for men to be able to do and we have developed a masculine style of doing it that is pretty comfortable.

I don't go out so I don't get to experience the relating to others as a woman thing that some here describe. And if I did at 6'-3" I'd probably be percieved as a man in a dress or a transexual rather than as a woman, so I would not experience it anyway. I find the idea of trying this in some far off locale where it is consdered acceptable to be intriguing. But I would hate to have to go through the hour of getting ready and make up and all that other stuff. At risk of repeating myself I would want the barefoot girl in the woods mode. Not sure where to do this. Are there camping trips for CDs a la the dignity cruise thing? And besides I would just be relating to other CDers which of course might well be wonderful but is not exactly really trying to relate to society as a woman.

Sometimes what getting dressed feels like is the return of an old friend. I keep coming back to how I like to do this alone. It's a kind of a retreat for me and yet I get to have company-my femme self is there visiting me. I am sure it is no accident that this surfaced at the time when I was having some difficult transitions in my life, much of them having to do with my daughters becoming teenagers and me not being able to be the father that took them and their friends on hiking trips and the like all the time. Talk about being nurtutring..... I loved it. Now they are busy thinking for themselves and becoming who they really are and although it is fun it is hard. Parents you know what I mean, non parents I don't want to write a book here so I will go no further.

My retreat feels like I am becoming a boy again as opposed to a man. So often we are afraid of being labeled wierdos and perverts but the word that strikes shame into me when I think about it has nothing to do with sex. I'm pretty normal sexually I think. The word is immature.

How childish of me to want to dress in womans clothes. I'm in my fifties, isn't it time I stopped playing pretend? What's next, a pirate ship in the front yard? Those are the thoughts I have when I allow myself to feel bad about this. And that was also the reaction my wife had years ago when I told her of the much more limited CDing I did back then. Not a word about sex or being gay or wierd or anything. She knows me pretty well and I think she was on to something.

I'm not condemning myself. Just sharing the thoughts I have to struggle with because truth be told my aceptance of this side of myself is less than complete. THanks to a couple of things, a swonderful therapist and these forums as well as spiritual tools I have gotten in church and in the church basement also, my self acceptance of this aspect of myself is light years beyond what it used to be. But it's not all there. Yet.

So here I am with alone with my old friend. We go for discrete walks in the woods. We sit by the fire. We work together at a job I mostly like. We write things in the forums. And she gives me some sort of strength to deal with a lot of stuff and makes my day a lot of fun. And I feel like a 12 year old boy discovering all that life has to offer and able to enjoy it with a childish enthusiasm. The sort of enthusiasm suggested by a genuine smile from a pretty girl. Is that what I am trying to give myself.

I wrote a book about my female personas-I have two of them. Not much sex or CDing in it but lots of personal stuff about many things. Like the feeling of a warm summer pond where you sit for hours watching the dragon flies darting over the pond scum on a lazy sensuously warm summer day. To me that is incredibly peaceful and romantic. It has enough of a disguise of the CDing that I gave it to my family and friends and most of them loved it. I've read it myself many times and it always gives me a warm cuddly feeling. The way I feel when I CD. Sometimes I feel like saying that CDing is just letting my clothes give me a hug.

I gave myself half an hour for this and I've gone over that. I have to be somewhere so I am going to stop. Hope to hear comments about what to me seems to be another way of looking at this, one that resonates with me although I am not suggesting it applies to anyone else. After all I just said CDIng is as romantic as looking at pond scum. Trust me this is high praise from me and those of you who don't feel those feelings about the pond please, please don't be offended. Looking forward to comments.

Absaroka

[Jeannie]

Hi Honey. Loved your post. It really doesn't matter if we are childlike,immature or anything else. It matters if your happy in life and it took me 55 years to figure that out. What are you Hon? A man that feels comfortable dressed as a woman. Are you a serial killer? A child molester? A murderer? A rapist? No. You're a sensitive ,intelligent man who feels comfortable in womens clothing. Pure evil!
You said you feel like a boy. I never felt like a man but that's a whole other issue Hon! I was a sullen, depressed man who was not much fun to be around. Now I'm having so much fun I could kick myself in the butt for not coming out earlier. I'm going out again saturday night a GG's house to cook and have fun with her GG friends. Life is finally good.
There are much worse things in this life than a man in a dresss. You are right also in saying you don't have to be a women to be warm,sensitive and caring. They are traits that any human being can exhibit if they are so inclined to do so. No sex or gender has a lock on them. I just decided after all these years to go with the flow. No one has said anything. (To my face at least!) But I don't care. You have to be who you are or you end up being no one at all and die unhappy. If I drop dead tomorrow I won't mind. All of you ladies here will probably feel great because you won't have to endure my lousy jokes! Hugs


Love
Jeannie

PS. If I do die I put in my will that all my size 8 petite clothes and size 9 heels go on this forum. First come first serve. Carol Ann can have my Heildelberg GTO and Virginia gets a case of Jack Daniels. Silver Lady can have all my garlic and olive oil and Lefty will get my house, business , cars and six family. You'll have to fight it out with Mini Sweetness! I pity you Beautiful!:lol:

[Lydia]

Dear Absaroka,

Your post struck many sympathetic notes to my life and, as I call it, my journey into femininity.

Back in my early puberty days, I was much aroused by putting on feminine clothing, and was beaten severely by my mother if she caught me at it. Curiously, she always wanted a girl.

Today, living alone, I can indulge myself and have accumulated a fair wardrobe. The sexual side of my life has never been of pre-emptive or even major importance, but crossdressing was an overwhelming compulsion. My beloved wife of almost 50 years barely tolerated my CDing. She died over 10 years ago, and now I have an SO who is incredibly understanding. There is a new acronym for us: LAT (=living apart together), and it works for us.

Again, my sexual life is minimal at best. It was never a central theme, and it was severely shrunken by years of beta-blocking and prostate-reducing drugs. My feelings when dressed are much like yours, Absaroka: a sense of comfort and belonging. I have noticed that my piano playing, never very good, is better, more expressive, and more enjoyable, when I am dressed.

I have no desire to "transition." I am quite satisfied to stay in the closet, however, I must admit that my occasional forays into the outside world are thrilling. Just driving to and from my SO's home, or driving to an atm machine, or even pumping my own gas - all en femme - gives me a huge rush. One of these days, with her encouragement, I may go farther on my journey.

Your commentary was powerful, enjoyable and interesting - and well-written, by the way. I just had to contribute my thoughts to this thread.

Hugs,

Lydia

[Anita]

Hi Absaroka--
You and I have traded more than a few emails along these lines, but I think I have something to say about it that you and the rest of the forum have not already heard three times over!

I have said that I did move past wanting to dress like a fifteen year old every night, but that doesn't mean that my enthusiasm for being a girl went away. Some nights I feel like the "older" woman that I am, and other nights I just feel girly! I get silly and have fun, and that's NOT what my friends are used to with Mr. Anita.

But the side note on this comes whenever an FtM comes into our support group. They are usually full of praise for testosterone, and in their enthusiasm I see myself as a thirteen-year old boy, discovering new powers in himself. I was really enthused about what was happening to me; my athletic ability took a leap forward, and I was just mesmerized by being around girls.

The other TG women in the group do not generally have fond memories of adolescence--they were in the wrong bodies. But I wasn't unhappy being a boy, and it makes me sad sometimes, to see the FtMs going through what I no longer want to do.

The sadness only lasts a little while, though. I can't make myself want to be that kind of male anymore--the one who's always ready for the next unknown conquest. For decades that kept me alive, always looking for either the next relationship, or the next infatuation. But it was no longer working for me, and I suddenly found a new door opening--one I never dreamed of, or saw coming.

For some reason, the fantasy aspect of this doesn't bother me much at all. (I mean, other people's judgments of it.) Like Jeannie, I never hear about it to my face, and even if I did, I don't think it would make much difference. I'm kind of like Jimmie Stewart and his invisible rabbit, Harvey--I know what's going on, and that seems to be all that matters. Very unlike me, in almost every other regard, too. But once you escape public judgment in one area, it's a lot easier to start ignoring it in other areas, too. Crossdressing is subversive in that way!

[Virginia]

Well, as my sister, Anita has said and I agree, only because she and I seem to be at the same place in our "Magical Mystery Tour." Having been a member of this forum of quite a while and seeing many of our sisters come and go and change and live and die. It has all helped Virginia find herself in me. After a while we all discover that we are all different in how we approach, accept and portray this aspect of our lives. Some of us continue to study it, some to challenge it, to purge it, to share it, to deny it, to repress it and on and on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of us who even in the remotest sense wonder about this "gift." Look at Karen's recent post about her epithany. "Man" has evolved over 100's of thousands of years and continues to do so, so who is to say what the future holds. As you all know (given my extensive scientific background ) that I am of the opinion that "we" may well be the next phase in human evolution. We all admire certain feminine aspects of the opposite sex and seek to emulate them not only in dress but in the gentle nature that we admire. The ability to incorporate these characteristics from both sexes into one person and to share that with others ----- how cool it that!? Sure it is not easy for some, impossible for others but no two of us are alike and were we are in our "Magical Mystery Tour" will vary as well. Remember, "It is the pioneers that take the arrows!" but those pioneers have blazed a trail for those who follow and we will all make a difference.
I can't argue, to any degree as to the how's and why's as many of my sisters here are much more articulate and informed than I am. All I can say are a couple of things, from Proverbs: "Wisdom is the principle thing - therefore, get wisdom, BUT with all thy getting -- get understanding!"
And again I will repeat, I love Virginia, she loves me both unconditionally and completely and we will hold hands and continue loving our "Magical Mystery Tour."
Girls, those of you who continue on this path, learn it, live it, share it, love it!!! It is worth the committment!
Love ya,
Virginia

[Paulie]

I like to subscribe to the "Popeye Theory".....

"I yam what I yam"



Seems to make life alot easier sometimes!

[Absaroka]

Thanks for the replies and I appreciate them all deeply. I am going to dwell on Anita's though for a bit.

First of all I loved the analogy to Harvey. That is sometimes a bit what this feels like. I may have to change my name again to Harvey it resonated so much......More seriously I was discussing this with my therapist today and he said something similar about my need for a private secret world. I think of my other interests. Model railroads where I create a whole world of little buildings and people and so on. From what I have learned here not an uncommon hobby among us by the way. Or even hiking and camping-so much of it done alone because I just like it that way. A lot do. Colin FLetcher wrote movingly in A Walk Book about it's just not the same when someone else is there with you.

My need for a secret or at least private world waxes and wanes. Sometimes I am very out into the world and don't really want to bother with my private life that much. It is something that has happened every time I fell in love by the way. And although CDing didn't disappear it certainly diminished. THe secretive aspect of it suddenly became unattractive for me. Other times I crave my own world. Why these feelings happen at the times they do is a bit of a mystery to me but they often occur at a time of need or transition and I'd like to think of them as resting to marshal my strength although maybe I am just hiding.

I also loved your perspective on testosterone. That is the sort of insight I find utterly fascinating and no it's not the sort of thing that gets discussed here that much.

I have fond memories of later adolescence. The feeling of finally having the power to take my life into my own hands. My first real job, first girlfriend, learning to drive and so many other things conspiring to make me understand that I didn't have to be a passive recipient of life. The sudden onslaught of strength...I could run faster, hit a baseball further, do all these physical things better and it was utterly intoxicating. Until you mentioned it though I never made the connection between those feelings and the flood of hormones.

It was of course also a confusing and painful time. Isn't adolsecence always? My first breakup with my girlfriend, the first time I got fired, the first automobile accident........on a far more dysfunctional note, the realization that I was big and strong enough that I didn't have to let my father hit my mother anymore. Talk about a terrifying but heady empowerment!

CDing started well before adolesence. About the time that a really active fantasy life started when I was about 7 or 8. So CDIng is for me in some ways a retreat back to a time before adolescence. But it's a lot of other things too. I'll be sure to let everyone know if I figure out what they are.

Thanks again everyone.

Abasroka

[Anita]

Hi Absaroka--
That part about realizing that you were big enough to challenge your father was quite something to read. That would have frightened me, to know that that was changing. My business partner had the same experience as you--one day he knew that he could stand up to his stepfather--he was no longer a little boy.

At 13, I suddenly saw how flat and dull the world had become for me, from say, 6 to 12. Growing up, I had a lot of sensitivity and romance in me, but it didn't make the world much better. I didn't have any power to do anything with it. But at 13 and 14, my love of music and art made more sense to me, and...I could do something about it! Wow!

Also, there was a reason to seek out girls again. I liked their company when I was little, but gradually got away from doing anything with them. Now suddenly boys and girls could get together again, even if it was very frustrating at times.

[Absaroka]

I suspect that physically challenging your father is something a lot more men have done than is generally recognized considering the amount of unachowledged violence in the family. i remember Bill Clinton talked about similar experiences with his step father briefly at one time.


Can't say life was dull and flat prior to adolescence but it certainly did get to be a lot more fun around age 15. Funny how hard it sometimes is to accept that the same thing is happening to my daughter now. But it is also something the young feel they can't really share with old folks I guess.

My this thread has wandered....

Absaroka

[Absaroka]

I had a nice long talk about this whole thread of why and what do I get from it with my therapist today. We talked a lot about the CD railroad correlation also.

One thing he said that made sense to me was to look at the whole CDIng thing from a different perspective. To consider it not so much from a gender variant standpoint but to evaluate it in terms of my need for play, creativity, and fantasy. It made a lot of sense. Now of course the gender aspect comes in with regards to the why this instead of something else. Why crossdress as opposed to be a sculptor?

But speaking only for myself I know that playing make believe was very important to me as a child. And even today in my profession there is an aspect of create your own world, your own private space, all done in completely socially acceptable profesional terms. Likewise the playing with trains, the writing, the music, and most of my other hobbies-their are all about playful creativity and many of them have more than a touch of fantasy to them.

Not the whole answer to a question I don't even know how to frame (it's not just why do I do this but something more, what can I learn about myself or something) but it made sense.

Ring any bells for anyone else out there?

Absaroka

[Stephanie W]

Absaroka

Since I was a child, I have always been a creative person in that I enjoyed art throughout school and beyond and it was something that people told me I was always good at. I also enjoy music and dabble with playing guitar and occasionally the performing arts. These kinds of things I enjoy doing when the mood strikes me. Similarly, it would seem that crossdressing would fit into the category of "when the mood strikes". However, it's usually for very different reasons. Art and music are things I may indulge in to pass the time. Crossdressing on the other hand is borne more from an inherent desire, (sometimes a very strong one) be it to alleviate stress or just because it feels right and/or have a need to do it. If I'm not being creative, or in a creative mood, I can't say I experience any negative feelings that will cause me undue stress in my life. With CDing though, the opposite is true, depending on what's happening in our lives at that particular moment.

Sure, one could argue that crossdressing is a creative pursuit, given the 'creation of the femme persona'. However, with it being more of a need (desire) in my case, I see that 'creativity' more as an 'enhancement' or a 'bringing out' of what is already there. Semantics perhaps?

The fantasy world is something we all seemed to enjoy growing up and perhaps crossdressing is indeed an extension of that in our adult years. But most of us did it as young children. Why? As you said, we could have chosen sculpting but we didn't. It goes back to that inherent need to 'be', which in my humble opinion is a different place to any fantasy world. Evaluating cding in terms of a need for play, creativity and fantasy would go a long way to satisfying those who are still struggling with it by stripping away the negativity that many of us carry in our lives and portraying what we do as a harmless activity - which of course it is. So from a professional standpoint, your therapist is doing what he should be doing - recognizing that this is not something curable but an inherent part of who you are and fitting it into something you have been familiar with since you were a child. Your fantasy play world. Maybe a little too deep for what you were looking for but I hope that makes some sense.

Stephanie