Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hello all you great ladies,

My spouse is a transexual and for the past 5 months she has been coming to terms with her inner core self.The struggle has been immense,and all I have been able to do is to support and hold her close.There have been many times when I have wanted out of this relationship,but how selfish that has been....my spouse is my best friend,not because of girly talk,or girly outings,but because we share a deep and common bond ,that allows us to think out of the box of life.

I have only been able to imagine what it must be like to wake each day looking at the physical self,and disliking what you see,I can only imagine the pain that my spouse has endured over the past 35 years plus.I can only imagine how hard it has been to wear a mask that does not match the inner self.
I keep telling my spouse that our bodies are just tools that allow our souls to express themselves,and that it is the soul that drives the bodies not the other way around.
But still I can only imagine how hard it must be to express something completely different to the physical self.

For a person such as me,and for may of your spouses who feel complete,it is very hard to understand how one person can hate themself so much.For a spouse like me it is very hard at times to see you not able to love yourself,when we the spouse see so much to love.

I can only imagine the trauma that is created when you have no way of letting out the hurt,when your trying to say how you truly feel,but the words are lost within the pain.

How coping strategies often,more than often mean to be seen as an angry,heartless person,as to have no friends means no-one sees the true feelings the true you,and casualties will be low.

But we your spouses we see your hurt,we can try to understand the pain you feel,but we your spouses can help heal your pain,so that life in all its glory will be a happy place for you.

Coping strategies for those thats true core is to be a female,how do you do it,have you found that happy balance,so that you can love and accept your physical self.

HUgs Penny

Hi Penny,

There is no accepting the physical self. Perhaps those who are post-op can accept thier physical self, but I don't see a pre-op transsexual accepting thier physical self. If they could, surgery would not be required. But one can come to terms with having the wrong body and not being able to do anything about it.

One of the things that helps, is crossdressing. Transitioning your life to live as your target gender. Taking hormones can bring relief. Life can be managable for the transsexual, but one has to accept it first. It is a difficult thing to accept. It's unbeleivable. You tell yourself a million reasons it can't be true. You imagine the consequences of it being true and find a million more.

You have always known the consequences would be high. You thought you could live the lie forever. Even though you had no choice you feel responsible for the hurt that everyone else is going to feel when they find out. It seems easier to die.

In the end you have to accept that you may lose everything and everyone that you thought were important. Sometimes this happens with a suicide or a suicide attemp. Others have an epiphany and realize they must put this ahead of everyone elses feelings without having to attempt suicide.

You have to let yourself off the hook. You have to realize you had no choice and the hurt caused by it, although real, is not your fault. You have to get ok with being selfish. It's really difficult to do. You have to come out, you have to seek help and you have to transition to the degree that relieves your dysphoria. In my view, there really is no alternative to this. In the end it's either death or transition. I truly beleive that.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

You touched my heart with an arrow direct to my feelings at this time and moment.
My spouse 5 months ago let out that pain that has haunted her a lifetime.
Everything you said is how she has felt,and everything you said is what she is struggling with...how to blend the Dysphoria into our lives without surgery.
It is a hard ask of anyone when you come to terms with your true self,what is harder is actually working out how things can change for the good now it is out.

As my partner say's she has so many that love her,she does not want them to feel the pain of her truth,however the pain I feel will be short and we will adapt.The alternative she has spoken of and you have mentioned is yes ,to die,to end the pain ..but she will leave behind so many lives shattered and torn.
I say to my partner who does not love her physical self...we will love you any way we can have you,as our life would have a part of it gone if she was gone.A very important part and that is our family.

Thankyou Elizabeth,thankyou,as I read this to my partner,she realised that yes ,she had a connection with another...who has struggled in the past,but has come out,accepting and reaching her goal...and being loved by her family at the same time.

Hugs Penny

Jenny Boylan once asked Oprah Winfrey "how'd you like it if you had a penis?"

OW said, shocked, "No one has EVER asked me that!"

JB said, "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude; it's just that this is the question that people never ask of themselves. And it's the question women like me had to ask of themselves every day for forty-odd years."

OW said, "well, I have to tell you, if I had one, I'd want to cut the damn thing off."

And the audience cheered.

At the end of the program they returned to this again, as OW looked at JB once more and said, "Jenny Boylan, no one ever asked me that, in thirty years of television."

Then OW said the thing that has stayed with JB, she said, "Jenny, I have to say, I think I finally get it now. At long last, I think I get it."

Elizabeth wrote: You have to get ok with being selfish...
In my view, there really is no alternative to this. In the end it's either death or transition. I truly beleive that.

I do, too. Not everyone has so much pain that they think of suicide. Instead, the pain comes out in more subtle ways. I think that I might have had a serious "accident" out on the freeway, if things had stayed as they were, and that wreck would have probably taken me out. It wouldn't have been suicide, but it would have been a subconscious choice, all the same.

I think that a certain selfishness has to happen, and go to extremes. When one's own needs have been denied for so long, it is very hard to correct it "just a little."

I keep coming back to the early feminist movement. The mainstream press kept asking the question, "Well, it's OK to want things to change, but why must you be so ANGRY about it?"

And the feminist leaders were saying, "Because when we hinted and nudged, nothing happened. We've been silent for a long time, and now we're making up for all we didn't say before."

That "making up for lost time" has to go on for however long it takes to move back to the center. It can be a very self-centered time.

The hardest thing that I personally deal with is the disappearance of some of the qualities that people loved about me, a man. They aren't going to be there in the same way, as I move on. That is a type of 'death,' because that person they knew is going away.

My post-op friends do not seem to mourn this male self much at all. Their spouses and family do, though. So no one is "wrong" here, necessarily, but the TG person and the families have very different needs, and there's bound to be hurt and pain as they try to stay together during that time.

Donna wrote:

At the end of the program they returned to this again, as OW looked at JB once more and said, "Jenny Boylan, no one ever asked me that, in thirty years of television."

That is quite something! Thanks for letting me know about that, Donna.

Elizabeth wrote:Hi Penny,


Transitioning your life to live as your target gender.Life can be managable for the transsexual, but one has to accept it first. It is a difficult thing to accept. It's unbeleivable. You tell yourself a million reasons it can't be true. You imagine the consequences of it being true and find a million more.



In the end you have to accept that you may lose everything and everyone that you thought were important. Sometimes this happens with a suicide or a suicide attemp. Others have an epiphany and realize they must put this ahead of everyone elses feelings without having to attempt suicide.

It's really difficult to do. You have to come out, you have to seek help and you have to transition to the degree that relieves your dysphoria. In my view, there really is no alternative to this. In the end it's either death or transition. I truly beleive that.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Amen to that, sister! One of my biggest stumbling blocks on the way to finding myself was the thought that "I couldn't be that special." I mean, when all is said and done, this is a pretty rare thing, and how could I, normal in every other respect, really be transsexual? It's like winning the negative lottery (Yes, I know some say it is a blessing, but how can it be a blessing to be a woman with a penis, or a man with breasts?) I must just be crazy for wanting to be, thinking I really should have been, a woman. I could never get over the fact that no one else would validate my thoughts, not even the couple of psychologists I went to see. They were more than willing to discuss it, but what I was looking for was someone, someone who knew what they were talking about, to point at me, and say, "Ah yes, you are a transsexual, and should have a sex change, you are really a woman in a man's body." Of course, they never did, they just helped me "figure it out."

Understandable, of course, but in the end, it was me, and me alone, who had to jump off the cliff, never knowing if there would be any kind of soft landing, or just hard rocks.

Today I know that, even with all the negatives, it was the right decision for me, I couldn't live any other way, but to say it's easy, or a perfect solution, would be to tell a lie.

For me, at least, there is no perfect solution, it's a matter of accepting the lessor of two evils.

Tracy, honey, you are special! Elizabeth is special! It is like that "Indiana Jones" movie where he is in the temple, his father has been shot and he is searching for the "holy grail" and has to cross that great chasm and see no bridge and the camera focuses on his foot as he "steps out in faith!" Hoping that he has made the right decision and that his faith will produce the desired results and it does. That is what you did and that Elizabeth did and many others of our sisters here have done to a lesser and possibly greater extent. We call it "Keeping the Faith!"
My only criticism is your choice of "lesser of two evils," I know what you mean, but I don't see it as an "evil." I still see it as a "Gift" and as I have said on numerous occassions, a gift to be loved, nurished, cherished and shared! Yes, we are unique and we have something that if a lot of others even began to understand, would be so envious we would be studied to no end and probably be at the head of the class to be cloned!
Love,
Virginia

Hi Virginia,

Yes, keeping the faith is so important and it goes hand in hand with showing the strength of the commitment, which helps us to deal with difficult situations, and there are always difficult situations along the way when we choose to live in the gender of our choice if that gender is different to the one which people have seen us in for the majority of our life.
I think this is one major reason why so many people choose to transition in later life rather than the early years when they know within themselves that it’s the right thing for them. It’s not until we’ve walked the hard yards in early life that a lot of us can fully deal with our feelings and all that a gender change will entail.

There’s so much of what really goes to make a person which is not visible, but people see what they want to see and people readily accept what they see moreso than what we tell them or they hear from others. Most people also don’t want to have to question what they see, especially if they don’t understand it, so I found it was important for me to change things slower rather than bore headlong into it because the first visible impression is usually the lasting one. It worked for me with slow changes and giving people time to get used to a small change before moving onto the next step. It was up to me to be able to convince those around me to accept me. It’s important for people to remember that although we have the right to live our life the way we want to, but so do all those other people. My main aim has always been to keep people’s respect and is most cases their acceptance follows eventually.

I’ve always found that it was important to keep my sense of humor, and really, we’ll only be as unhappy as we allow ourselves to be. I’ve found a lot of humor in situations which others may have felt miserable.
It can be all too easy to allow this part of us to take over our whole life, but really there’s more to all of us than just ‘that part’. We’ve all heard and probably used the phrase ‘Get a life’, but often so many of us don’t follow our own good advice and sometimes we have to have a reality check to keep it all in perspective. That’s another reason why I stopped my transition just short of completion. SRS wouldn’t magically transform me into a woman, it’s important to be firmly grounded in reality and not fantasy. SRS never solves all the problems, they’re still there , only in a different gender. Being born an XY person I don’t have any idea of whether my perception of being female is anything similar to how an XX woman feels, as long as I can feel free in my own mind and know exactly what it is I want then I’m happy and content with my life. Female hormones have been a God send for me although they're not for everyone, but sometimes we have to help ourself restructure the right state of mind by seeking artificial aids. If we don’t know where we’re going then it’s highly unlikely we’ll ever get there. Success or failure starts with a state of mind with everything in life.

It gets back to what I said before, “ So much of what goes to make a person is invisible” so it’s important to get our attitudes right and deal with the inside first and decide what it is which we exactly want and what we need to achieve the best life we possibly can. I’ve always tried to place as much importance on my other life’s goals, and it’s important to have other goals and not box ourselves into a narrow existence. One trick with life is to make the most of everything and especially the good things which make us and those around us happy and content, and in this way we can often get away with what may once have been a problem, or in the least other problems may diminish.

Two words which I apply to my life which works for me and my family and friends are ‘Sacrifice’ and ‘Compromise’. Life throws up many challenges and it’s by making sacrifices and compromises that I get the best out of life. We all live inside our own heads and my transsexualism is as big or as small a part of me as I allow it to be. For me it’s important to keep a smile on ‘my invisible face’ as much as it is on the visible one. I’ve found that the only way to become natural is to live the life I wanted to, and to do this I’ve had to incorporate sacrifice and compromise willingly into my life, and the results surprised even me. It all gets back to state of mind.

Kind Regards, and I wish both you and SL everything good in life you wish for, I've followed your lifes' journey of the last couple of years and I just 'lurrrrve' a happy ending.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

Thanks, Sally, you are such a sweetheart and our "Magical Mystery Tour" just keeps getting better and better!
Love,
Virginia and SL