My given name is Dan, not Colette

[Colette]

I am bothered by something folks. I am new around here and very new to the idea of accepting my CDing. It is really happening for me, I can feel it.

PLEASE take my words with a grain of salt. I have a lot to wrestle with, as we all do, and part of my process is getting these thoughts out in the open

Most everyone here uses a different name, a feminine one, for themselves when dressed or talking about themselves being dressed - not just as a sign-in name. We talk about our "other" persona. We talk about our feminine "side." I see topic after topic about the differences we experience when we are being our feminine selves. I see the phrases "multi-gendered" and have seen the SOs write about the fact that they are of a single gender. Are they really?

It is very confusing to me and I wonder if I am not doing a disservice to myself and the world if I follow that same path? I personally would like to quit calling myself by a different name, as though I am a different person when dressed. I want to be able to dress, do my makeup, wear my hair long, etc. as Dan (though I do love the name Colette). I want the world to see me wholly. Not as two different people depending on what clothes I am wearing. That doesn't seem like acceptance, integration, being real, etc. I am a CD, I am not transexual. I am fully male-female in mind and male in body no matter what I am wearing, doing, liking, feeling, etc. My anatomy stays the same no matter what I am wearing, so I want that part of me to be respected no matter my behavior. To call myself a different name than that which I was raised to identify with seems to deny who I am. It seems more like playing a role. This is not a role, this CDing I do, it is a part of my sense of self. If so, then how can I call myself something different when I change into different clothing. I don't become something else. Everything that is in me is there no matter what. This is not just about a name you understand? It is about the whole perception of us as being freaks, as mentally ill, as disconnected from reality. Instead of being either a girl or a guy, or a guy in a dress, why can I not just be a human being who happens to wear all types of clothing and participates in all types of activities often divided by gender? Some of you feel like a female internally, then all of this makes a bit more sense. I don't folks. I am a guy. Do I feel more like a woman wearing typically women's clothes? Of course. But do I want to continue to feel that? No. I want to feel whole. I want to look in the mirror and see Dan be it in either a dress or a suit. I want to be integrated. If I am not, then it seems like I really am living as a split personality. And I want society to see me as integrated as well. I think that only then will they be able to grasp that what we do really does work for us. That it really is healthy.

I am not saying I am right. If god were real, he/she would be the only one to know the final truth. I am just a person trying to live an authentic life and the things I read and hear are confusing to me. Maybe what I have said is true for me and not for others. That is okay too. But maybe we don't talk about reality enough. Reality is that we all have characteristics common to male and female. Some have more of one than the other. Others have a balance. Either way, they are still one whole person. Not two different people. Am I making any sense?

I work with people with developmental disabilities. The words we use and the way we have talked about them have created, yes created, many of the ongoing problems that they have experienced in society. If those of us who understand continue to call them "retarded" or even use the word "disabled" as I have, the world will continue to see them as slow, less capable, insufficient, unneccesary, deviant, etc. because that is what the words have come to mean. There comes a time when the language has to change. Not to be politically correct, but to help society move toward more conscious acceptance, even value, for this group of people.

And I think the same is true of us. If we continue to speak of ourselves as having two separate personas, two sexual identities; if we continue to see ourselves that way, then society will continue to believe that we are not whole. That we are somehow defective. That we are, in fact, mentally ill, confused, or worse.

Perhaps the ramblings of a greiving, angry, confused person (see my post in the Coping section for the story). Again, take it with a grain of salt, PLEASE. I want to keep my friends here and make more so please don't take it personal. Any of your thoughts would be appreciated.

Dan

[Jenny]

Hey, Colette.


I can sort of agree on wanting to see oneself as a whole and not having to alternate between two separate personalities all the time. For me, although I don't really mind it anymore, it has led to what seems like more confusion and uncertainty than many will encounter.

However, I've heard most CD's speak of their early experiences like they are talking about a nightmare or a sad dream. Many will have these "cycles" in which they, for reasons unknown to me, will suddenly feel the need to alternate their dress, mannerisms and sometimes daily routines to something reminiscient of a female. Then what happens when one of these cycles ends? That's right, alot of shame and regret about being this way.

The mind is a powerful thing, and it is hard to be "whole" with yourself when you're supposed to be male in every way, yet desire the exact opposite once in awhile (or for some, always). In other words, some people will always have a little boy and girl fighting inside them and never agreeing.

[Jill S]

I'm sota new at talking about this so bear with me. I think what you are getting at is happening now with the teen generation. My daughters high shool has boys who wear nail polish, highlight thier hair, many other formerly female only actions. I'm almost 50 and my view of what looks are allowed for men and women are way out of date now. On another forum there is a CD that has an avatar of him dressed with a full beared and bald head, so there are a few brave souls in the older crowd also. For me to think of myself as; A man in a dress, or part female, or any other way we deal with this is real scary. I try not to think about what I am much at all, when I grew up names like Sissy, Fag, wierdo, were all I knew about. Maybe change in views happen slowly and we done even see it, like grass growing. OK done with incoherant rambeling.
Jill, or what ever else I maybe.

[Jess(SO)]

Dan hi,

if your preferance is to be called dan on the forum then all you need do is comtact one of the Admin and they will change your name for you.

My partner ddid not have a Fem name until he joined the forums but thaving said that until I discoved his cding he had been doing this alone and it was just mainly underwear, with my support his cding has emerged to include all sorts including the water filled bras and a wig, and to be perfectly honest Claire has a different personality to Martin, differeent mannerisms etc so we are both comfortable with his fem name

Jess

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Dan aka Colette -

I remember when you first joined you had used the name Dan - and you only changed it in case your now ex-wife chose to join the forum, as you did not want her to know she was actually reading your posts - hence you changed your name to Colette. In fact, I was the one to advise you to change your name because of the home situation, and reminded/asked you and everyone who responded to your posts to change the name they used (in their previous posts) while referring to you, to help cover tracks.

It is your choice what name you would prefer to be called, and if you are more comfortable going by your real name, Dan, then I would be more than happy to make that name change for you. All you would have to do is send me a PM with your choice of user name, and I will be in further contact with you.

Whatever name you choose to use, we are glad that you are back at the forum!

- SL

[Gaven McLaren]

Bravo on the rant. It feels good doesn't it? I have never wanted to be thought of as anything but myself. The name I use on the forum is a name a lot of people know me by. My real name which I do not like much is Daniel. I use it for business purposes and around my family. All my really good friends call me Gaven. My mother hates me to use that name because she named me Daniel and not Gaven. I have taken to making people get out of their little boxes of reality by wearing skirts for no better reason then I can. It is fun to walk in to a store such as Walmart and watch as people stare. As for you using Colette it is a great name.

[DonnaT]

Hi Dan,

I have never considered myself as having more than one personality, yet I choose to use the name Donna for (1) anonimity, (2) it fits my avatar image and (3) when dressed fully, and out somewhere I look more like a Donna than a "bob."

Yet, I am still the same person regardless of what name I use.

[Virginia]

Ah the CD'ers continuum!!! Where are we? Is simply using a feminine name give you a place on the continuum?? How does not using a feminine name affect one's anima? Is the use of a feminine name essential to one's acceptance of their "true" self? What about an androgynous name, does that lend itself to more self acceptance? Fortunately or unfortunately beyond the name is where I part company with most of my sisters. As I have said before and will continue to say, "I am Virginia and Virginia is me. I love her and she loves me and we are thoroughly enjoying our 'Magical Mystery Tour.'" Does this make me in need of therapy? Possibly, but there is even more to it than I care to even begin to discuss here. Virginia identifies me, she emboldens me, she supports me, she comforts me, she is me!
Yes, I can be called a guy in a dress, but what does that mean??? If I am read that does not bother me in the least, Virginia does not care what people think, she is just happy in being! Yes, my SO says I am a different person when I am dressed, that I tend to take on more feminine tendencies as well as other things which I will not discuss here either! As a male, she is still there, I sense her, I feel her, I acknowledge her and I listen to her.
As I have said before, I chose the name to honor my mother and my grandmother and I think they would be proud of their "daughter."
"A rose, is a rose, is a rose!"
Just this girl's "ramblings!"
Love,
Virginia

[Jacqueline Manesis]

I feel like Virginia does regarding this matter. When I am my male self in appearance I talk and act and move like a man. In fact as a guy it would be hard to read the fact that I am a CD unless you are a CD and notice the little things that slip out occassionally.

My fem personna is exactly that. I am not acting like someone else. I actually have another side of myself. I do not believe that I am a schizo. I do act differently en femme however.

I once read an article about clothing and find it to be true. When you dress very casual for instance sweats and t-shirt you act a certain way that is more relaxed and well.... casual. That same person puts on some smart business attire and they act more professional. Posture tends to change etc.

I see it as just another one of those tools that magnifies a behavior. The first time I saw myself completely en femme I did not see the man I always was before that day. I saw something far different, a whole other way to be. That side of me has emerged from within and although she does cross over to my male self in some aspects......as my male self I don't go around acting like Jacqueline although we are one and the same person.

[Colette]

Hi all,

A couple of points to make here and some pleasing news.

First, what I said was, as Gaven called it, a rant. Did I know which end was up when I wrote it? Hardly

This wasn't really about a screen name. That concept illustrates what I was questioning, but I wish it hadn't come across as the main focus. I really do like the name Colette. I like how it feels to call myself that. I know I said I would prefer to call myself Dan (but again, rant!). Really, it was my emotional way of saying I don't know how to reconcile all of this in myself. Its confusing, I often wish it to go away, and I am tired of being condemned (really just by my ex and my ex-mother-in-law). But I realized above all else, during a conversation with my best GG friend, that I am wanting to find a way to be me and not be rejected. I felt rejected most of my growing up years and of course those feelings very much remain, despite the change in my life circumstances. I was hurting when I wrote this topic and hoping that if I pushed hard enough I might be able to influence push people toward accepting me. The truth is that its me who doesn't accept me.

Obviously everyone has their own preferences about the things I mentioned. I certainly didn't say that there is anything about our brands of sexuality that means we are mentally ill or specifically, schizophrenic. I only meant to say that much of society views us that way. Do I expect it to change? No. Do I want it to change? Most of the time. But, can I learn to accept myself regardless of what society says? Yes, I think so.

I still think that the way we often talk about the issue has a great deal to do with the way we perceive ourselves and the way our culture perceives us. However, I am not sure what, if anything, we could change.

I noticed all of this these last two days largely because I realized how much I DO like feeling like a woman. I don't necessarily want to feel like a balanced person. Maybe that is just ultimately what I am going for in life. But, perhaps for now I reallly do want to swing to what could look like an extreme to some - to take on the role of a woman. To take on the role of Colette. I have lived my whole life in the stereotypical role of a man. Perhaps living the other role a little bit at a time will help bring that internal balance. I don't know. I will say it again and again. I don't know. Anything I say is subject to change without notice or apology. I need this place to say everything that is inside. Please bear with me.

So don't change my name. I don't like the name Daniel either Gaven, I just identify with it. I will stay with Colette and nurture her. I just hope that one day I will know her as me, and that the "two shall become one flesh."

If I had my way with the universe, verbal communication would be banned. I hate words and the way they get misused. Why do I even need a name at all, for example? So that others can identify me and so I can identify myself to others. Problem is, I become too attached to my name as being the label of my identity. But, the name Dan only points to me, it is not me of itself. It is just a word. As is Colette.

Once again, I too am rambling. And don't forget, tomorrow my opinion may change:-)

[Jacqueline Manesis]

Colette. I am glad that you came to the board to express your feelings. Everyone has their own unique way of expressing their own feelings in atttempt to let others know how they feel. Some of us are better at it than others and I feel you have done a wonderful job expressing yours.

What you will find here in the forum (if you have not already figured it out) is a good group of people who understand. What you are going through and the feelings you have are not unique to you. You have a great place here to vent if need be. I have seen alot of it and have already done some of it myself in the short time I have been a member here.

You begining to accept parts of yourself that you were not willing to accept on that particular day. I think this happens to most of us at some time or another. Your dealing with it(Cding) and we deal with it. The important thing is your growing with it as a person. Some never do, some cannot handle it at all and take their own lives. Others handle it wrong and get themselves into harmful situations. Then there are those who have found satisfaction with their whole selves and that is the goal I feel.

I for one thank you for your post. It was worded in a way tha caused me to have to use my noodle for something other than entertainment purposes. I am not a wordsmith by any means so my post will never be able to express the amount of depth , consideration, empathy and personal emotions I feel when reading others posts and relating them to my own personal experience and situation.

Please post more as you explore your own feelings if for no other reason than to just vent....better to just vent than do something irrational.
~Jacqueline

[TracyQ]

Collette/Dan, Bravo!

Welcome, you bring an honesty of feelings to this board that I applaud. (Not that others don't do the same.)

I will "ramble" a bit here, also, if I may.

When I finally decided I had to make the transition, my therapist and I talked about what name to choose (I had been using an unmistakeably feminine name, Sally, when dressed), and she suggested something somewhat androgynous. I guess I choose "Tracy" because, to me, it was a female name, but there were also some guys named that, so it could sort of swing both ways. My first act in becoming "me" was, in fact, having my name legally changed, from William to Tracy. Well, for me, it didn't take long after that until I started living fulltime dressed in woman's clothing, taking the hormones, and having surgeries (trach shave, breast implants). I was going to be a woman!

Well, as in war, plans can go awry, depending on the reactions of the "opposition". While I really thought that everyone, simply everyone would be thrilled that I had finally decided to be my "true self", such was not the case, and I had a couple (two, three, four, or more) of really hard years, years in which I could not find a job, and in which suicide didn't seem like such a bad idea. But, but, I made it through that period with the help of some really wonderful people (and I wish I could mention them here), and have come out the other side to a life where I do live as a woman fulltime. Note I said "live as a woman", not that I am a woman; I still have my "unit", and will most probably die with it.

Which brings me to my point about your point, as I read it, anyway.

I am almost 100% perfectly happy about being a man with breasts and a penis, and living my life as a woman. Sex was never an issue with me, gender was the overriding concern. Unfortunately, in the US at least, it seems there are really only two choices, man or woman. (Yes, there are some really brave souls who are able to blur the lines in public, but I am a product of the 50's and 60's, and so tend to buy into that dichotomy, for myself, at least.)




So here is my point: I would like to be able to be "Tracy, the guy with breasts and a penis who wears women's clothes, and lives the life as a woman. I wish I could do that. But instead, my cowardly way is to live as a woman, hoping that no one ever discovers the truth.

If I could live my life over, I would do it differently, but of course that isn't an option. I am both Bill and Tracy, or I am neither, I am just me.

edit: Oh, what I meant to say is that I just want to be me (is there a song in there somewhere, LOL?), not to pretend to be one or the other, just to "fit in", which I think, Colette/Dan, was your original point?

[Anita]

Good posts, all of them. Thanks for bringing it up, Collette.

I had this very talk with my ex-girlfriend last night. I said that sometimes I feel that I am 'cheating' people out of their time with the person they know, if I show up as "the other." People who know me as Anita don't know what to do with the Guy, and certainly those like my exGF would rather not spend much time with Anita--that's not the person they know, either.

Wouldn't it be great if I could blend those two 'people' in a way that everyone was happy with? Certainly I do blend the two selves in some ways, but not enough to take away the feeling that a stranger just showed up to tea.

The other point? I have had to go to extremes to get my girl self established, and to balance out 50-some years of being a full-time man.
That balancing act may go on indefinitely. I have a lot of catching up to do. I never found a way to be just "a little" femme--it didn't work for me.

[Virginia]

Look at us!!!! Just look at us!!!! If we are not probably the most unique creatures on the planet then some must exist that have yet to be discovered! Could it be that some folks are actually considering my theory --------- Are we the next phase in human evolution??? Yes it is not going to happen over night, it can take years, yeah! centuries, i.e., eons but there are some scientific studies being put forth now that the homo sapien is actually evolving and we are at the head of the class. Tracy said it, in the US there is no inbetween you are either male or female, yet here we are, some of us "struggling" with a very unique aspect of our existence. Being misunderstood, ostersized by friends, family, society, but we continue and more and more of us begin to find this "gift" that we have and more and more of us strive to study it, to understand it, to share it! More and more is being written, more television shows coming out almost as an "in your face!" to the majority of society! It goes well beyond the need to be "named" or called something, - Yes it has to start somewhere and the adoption of a name or the wearing of some aspect of what society in general says "you can't do/wear that - it ain't right!" Well we don't all evolve at once we do it slowly at different speeds, different understandings, different, just different! That is what makes humans so interesting, so unique. We can not look at our immediate surroundings we have to look back to where we were and then what is "OUT THERE!" How do we get there and how will we need to evolve to GET THERE?
Can you just imagine a human species with the ingrained both male and female thought process, imagination, desires, wants, loves, likes, dislikes, the caring and sharing and being able to rectify the internal striff that that causes "us" right now? What species we would be!!!
Rant, rave ---------------ME
Well
Love you all,
Virginia

[CJ]

Hmmm... What's wrong with the name "Dan" (or "Daniel")? I like the name. Of course, it happens to be my own.

Seriously, Colette, I know what you're getting at... the finger pointing at the moon is not the moon itself, and all that. Truth is, there is no symbol--linguistic, artistic, mathematical, or otherwise--that can adequately represent (or signify) the reality of who and what we are, as persons, as individuals. But we must use symbols nonetheless. Especially if we aim to participate in a consensual reality (whether or not we actually like this reality is a whole other issue). The trick--and, of course, we see it at work in your own posts, Colette--is to make sure that we do not confuse the map for the territory.

Yes, people may call me "Daniel" or people may call me "CJ" (a purposefully androgynous moniker) but the fact remains that there's a huge part of me that will never be described or circumscribed by those letters and those sounds. The "I" that I am can not only not be connoted, it cannot even be denoted. Same goes for everyone.

What happens with me is this: when I talk to (or about), say, "Colette" or "Dan," I always explicitly remind myself that, no matter how well I think I may know the person that goes by that name, I don't. Not really. Thus, I always suspend any final judgment (or any kind of judgment at all, actually).

We're seldom the "victims" of what we say or write yet we're often the victims of other people's misinterpretations (willful or otherwise) of what we say or write. This begs caution. Both in the one who sends out a message and in the one who receives it.

Oddly enough, and more to the point, many theorists view gender as a "performance" of sorts. As such, gender expression is a message as well. Unfortunately, most people can only receive that message on a very narrow band of frequencies. They don't have the equipment necessary to "decrypt" gender messages that fall outside that traditional range. Thus, we become a wonder and a mystery to them. And we all know what fear and disdain "the Strange" inspire.

Just be yourself, Colette. Just be yourself, Dan. You're not two people. You're one person. Celebrate your difference; it's an occasion for joy... regardless of how flat and unmagical the world may look like behind a pair of eyes that stare at you disapprovingly.

Love,
CJ