Crossdressers-Haven.com

I can't even explain how it grips me inside to want to tell someone and be able to openly talk about it. I want to feel accepted and I desire, strongly, to be open with others, women more so than any man that is.

I want this even if they never see me dressed. I guess if my wife accepted me more, then I wouldn't feel like I was going behind her back and telling others more about myself than she knows.

I would have guilt feelings if I were to tell someone else.

• What if they totally accepted it?

• What if they wanted to help me with makeup?

• What if they wanted to see me dressed or even accompany me shopping or something?

I would absolutely love it, like a dream come true, but I wonder if the guilt would overcome the excitement and joy I would get out of it.

So, for now, I suppress the burning desire to tell someone, except through here. Gosh I wish there were someone locally I on this forum I could visit now and then.

I wonder how other girls feel about this?

Carla,
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to just touch base with another live human being. I was just so thrilled to find this forum with all of the honesty and sincerity in practically all of the posts that I couldn't believe it. I, like a lot of us, spent that part of my life in the closet never even thinking that I would meet anyone like me. I'm still overwhelmed by how many of us there are just in my little corner of the world.
I answered another post from you about telling my step-daughter. Right now there is no one else I would even consider leveling with. My wife is supportive but she is still a little confused as to why I do it so much. She actually thought that if I spent all day dressed that that would take away the urge for a couple of days. Like a junkie getting a fix. I explained that it wasn't like that at all. I tried to explain about Lisbeth and the fact that she has been with me for as long as I can remember. Even before I knew what I was feeling I still knew I was different then the rest of the boys. I think that she is developing a good idea as to who "I" really am and she is really doing well with it.
That's enough out of me for now but, yes, I do know what your talking about. Hang in there. You may very well meet someone here that knows someone in your area with the same "gift".
Love,
Lisbeth

Not many of us particularly like(d) living in a closet, and being able to get out of it makes us want to shout with joy.

Then we find, through circumstances, the closet merely got bigger. And is being guarded by someone we love.

I'd prefer not hiding it from neighbors and friends, but my wife prefers otherwise.

She has let me out to mingle with others in the trans community, however.

So, Michigan also has a good contingent of trans folk. Maybe you can meet some at a support group, or a friendly watering hole.

Hi Carla,
Yes it is nice to have someone to share with. I can pass on to you a group that is relatively new that you may want to check out. I do not know how active they may be in Michigan, but I am a member of the Virginia (the state) chapter. It is suppose to be strictly a social group.

It is PinkEssence.com. It will take you to a Yahoo group and then you need to click on the "yes, I am at least 18" You are at least 18 are you not!? Anyway, check it out and see if they have a Michigan group starting.

As Donna says, find a "local watering hole" and smile. Spread your perfectly shone nails out on the green felt, feel the cue stick slide gracefully between your thumb and forefinger, drive the cue ball into that black 8 ball and put it in the side pocket and --------------- oh, sorry, that was for Donna's benefit (see you on the felt on the 1st, you shark you!.)

You may want to contact some of the local "counselor's" offices and just ask if they know of any local TS/TG/CD groups and when and where they meet.

Also consider attending one of the national meetings, they are great!

Keep the faith, we are proud of you!

Virginia

Hi Carla,
Thank you for your reply in my other thread regarding this topic as well. I identify with where you are at as I have spent most of my life in it as well. I have done a lot of emotional and mental work these last nine months and it has, in some ways, been easier because I no longer have my wife's opinion to be concerned with. If I had had more time to learn about this side of me before she left, perhaps we could have come to real compromise that wouldn't have sacrificed who I am or our marriage. But there were many things in my case besides cd that led to our end and I am happy for you that you are still in your marriage and continuing in your quest. I have heard enough stories that I have hope for you to have your life to the fullest.

I make this suggestion all the time and often people poo-poo the idea but I think counseling is invaluable with the right counselor (don't settle for second rate). Maybe it is because I hope to be a counselor myself one day myself, but I have that desire because I have seen it work for me. She was the first one who I said EVERYTHING to. It also helped that my counselor is a woman because they were the one's I most expected to believe me to be a pervert or a freak. She showed me otherwise and she has helped me find this level of acceptance and the willingness to share with those close to me. If counseling is an option for you, which it can be if you set your mind to it, I would strongly recommend it. Its not to FIX you or anything of the sort, its to give you the opportunity to really say it all and have someone give you feedback that is neutral. It can also help to make choices as you move forward; help you put all of the pieces together in a way that works for you and your wife.

My soapbox. Hope you don't mind!

Hi Carla
Like Virginia says " it is nice to have someone to share with". I have been fortunate to find the two women that I purchase my cosmetics from are very communicative about my dressing and are very helpful in product selection and product application. Likewise, the women where I purchase my clothing items always provide excellent support in garment selection and choice. Both groups ensure that my appearance is not over the top but project the image that I want and we have spoken about. Without them to have as my outlet for discussion and support I do not know what I would do.

If you have a cosmetic store near by, make an entrance as your male self and comment to them that you would like to have assistance and support in purchasing several items. It will permit an initial open and honest dialog between you and her. After the purchase and several days later return to the shop enfeme (first thing in the morning) and re-introduce yourself as Carla. Ask for advice and comments on your application the product(s). I think that you will find acceptance and support. You will need to be open and honest with the person and answer all questions and address each of their concerns. The first and foremost is the potential impact on their small business. After you build the confidence with that person, you can than set a goal to go into a clothing store with the same method.

You will find the initial and long-term support that you are looking, and having an opportunity to have a discussion about yourself. These discussions ensure that you successfully project the person that you are.

After I built confidence in my appearance, I had a long and private discussion with an older sister about a "deep dark secret". When we together got over the emotional discussion, we arrived at a point were the dicussion was very beneficial for both of us. As we went down the path, she did excellent research and for about a month, she would send me the links and we would than have a chat discusson on the research item. She is now very supportive and caring of me and even goes shopping with with and for me on her own. As a humor note, she comments that I am more composed and sensible when I am Stephanie with her. Just last week, we were chatting on line and I had my cam active for her. She provided comments on the hair style and accessories. I guess that I'm fortunate in having her providing the emotional support.

There's an odd tension in talking to someone about CDing. It's easier to let a total stranger know (asking to use the change room while shopping for clothing or trying shoes on, for example) than to open up to someone close to you. The problem is that the reward is usually proportional to the risk - so what if a salesperson knows you crossdress? That's not someone who immediately expects to become your confidante.

It seems the safest bet is the one several others have suggested. Start with the low risk aproach, but find someone you can build a bond with. The local TG community is one way, because you know they're likely to be open-minded. Another is to find a part of the service industry where conversation is an accepted part of their role, like someone in a local spa.

I just got a pedicure this morning, and my attendant wasn't exactly shocked when I asked for a french polish. We chatted away like I hadn't actually revealed anything particularly surprising about myself. So what happens if I go next time and my legs are shaved or waxed? There's definitely an opportunity to talk about my exploration of my feminine side.

Luckily, I have my wife to share with and that takes a lot of the pressure off the need to open up to anyone else. I still do want to enlarge the circle of people who know (in part so that it's not like I've dragged her into the closet with me), but I'm in no particular hurry. It took me a while to become comfortable with the idea of letting someone know that it's more than just a panty fetish - I think it makes sense for me to give Kiera time to figure out how she's comfortable opening up to anyone else.

I have told my closest friends and they are very accepting about my lifestyle. I am comfortable going out to transgendered events in the San Francisco Bay Area. This is probably the most transgender friendly area in the US. I have gone out dressed as Maria in public libraries, restaurants, hotels, and retail stores; I have never been questioned about my appearance. I simply want to express my feminine side while dressed in public. If you behave as a man while dressed, you will draw unwanted attention. I don't dress up if I am with my family or if I am at work. I maintain a quiet but normal life.

Maria

You have all been wonderful in your responses and I thank you.

Virginia - I just attempted to join the group you suggested. I'm waiting to be approved.

DonnaT - I agree, wish it didn't matter about the neighbors, but I know it does. I do go out for late night walks, around the block, but that is as far as I take it.

Colette - I haven't considered counseling... although throughout my life I've been to counselors many times, I do not feel bad or remorse or any ill effects of my gift. I am completely comfortable who I am.

Stephanie - I've gone from being totally nervous in a store to freely selecting and asking advice, trying on outfits at numerous stores now. Fashion Bug, Dress Barn, Meijer (enfemme), Walmart, Macy's, JC Pennys and a few others. I tried to get makeup lesson at a spa and was turned down. I do want to get at pedicure some day soon. My wife wants me to go to the place she goes to, but I think I'll find somewhere else. Just in case they accept me and I can openly chat at a later time.


Kimberly - I agree with your comment about strangers vs someone I have a relationship with. ...

Thank you all for all your support. You have been my outlet and my girl friends.

dear girls.since coming out a number of years ago there are times that i want to share my secret with people other than my wife.there were a lot of places that i went on my route that sold lingerie and i bought a lot of nice things from them and i made it my business to tell all the sales girls that the lingerie was for me .i never had a problem and they were all very helpfull and even helping me try on bras.and being that i have injured my self i have told all the doctors that i am going to that i am a cd .love phylisanne

This is a tough subject to broach as it goes to the heart of the individual crossdresser! I do not wish to hurt anyone feelings, but if you search your most inner self it all seems to come to the center of the conflict that you may have with yourself! A crossdresser has several "outs." It is my considered opinion that you have to first determine where you are on the crossdresser's continuum. I have my own definitions of this and I won't go into it here, but if you enjoy wearing the clothes - ONLY then you are on the continuum. For some of us it goes beyond that and as I have said many times in the past, there is no right or wrong place to be! Just accepting the fact that you are a crossdresser is means enough to be on the continuum. We know for a fact that there are those of us who are quite content to remain "in the closet!" and that is OK!

Beyond that, the sharing of "our gift" does become a challenge, especially if you are "new" to this realm of "self." It would appear that the most important people that one would have "problems" sharing with are family.

Strangers, sales people, waiters, waitresses, hair stylist, -like, who cares what they think. Most of us have been thrown out of better places than these people know! (Bathroom usage Excluded) no one is going to "call the cops" or the PC police, you will not be drug off by your hair, beaten, taken before the minister of societal approval and sentenced to beheading or dunking! OH you may get some stares or even pointing and laughing, but its the old old adage, "stick and stones may break my bones but words (or actions) will never harm me!"

What is it worth to you - those of you who are considering going out in public - to be who you think you are!!!?? Does not suppressing this part of you do more damage to your psyche than what, if any "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" do to you by the "great unwashed!"

Please remember, those that do not wish to go out - THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

I can only speak for myself and I approach this "telling others" (again family excluded) as a "need to know basis." I usually have my "portfolio" with me just in case someone wants to see pictures, but beyond that, it is usually just none of their business - when I am buying skirts or dresses or under-garments or make-up! If I need or want help I will ask for it and if they ask "Is this for you?" depending on their tone of voice or body language or most of us can sense a hostile attitude, I simply say "yes it is!" If I sense any hostility I will look them straight in the eye and ask, "Do you have a problem with that?" Depending on their response, you can either walk away, shop somewhere else or ask for the manager and simply tell them that their employee does not seem to want to provide you the service that you were lead to expect from their establishment! I have heard of these employees being fired on the spot! Just how gutsy are you?!

When it comes to family, I will pass on advice. All I will say is if you plan to talk about it, be prepared. We all know the first question - "Are you gay?" and the second one "do you plan to transition?" After that it can depend on who you are outing yourself to. Spouse, children, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters. Many of our sisters here are much more well versed in these responses than I so I would defer to their expertise!

As for employers, be familiar with their personnel guidelines. Most employer human resources have written guidelines for transgendered employees now! If your employer does NOT - be very careful, that is, if you like your job!

This is primarily what we are here for, to support each other and share our own expertise and experiences so as to help each other, so ASK!

Go Forth Woman - and BE!

Love you all,

Virginia

I know all too well that need to be open about who you are. Some of us feel it burning a hole in our souls and others don't. As Virginia said...there isn't a right or wrong.

First person I told was my secretary (now ex secretary) Sent her a photo and stated I wanted to chat about this woman over lunch. (She thought I was having an affair with a younger woman). Since ,she has gone shopping with me and out on a dressing adventure at the park. She is one of my biggest supporters.

Since then I have told several sales associates and the two woman who run the gas station I frequent. Almost ex wife outted me to my grown kids for spite, so then I outted my self to her best friend, a cousin of mine, and several of my daughter's friends. I can tell you there is freedom in being out.

Emily Ann

There are gg friends I have who I know in my heart relate to Chrissie. We are like girlfriends together and they treat me like one of the girls. I would love for them to know how deeply I feel this way, and to show them Chrissie. In one way, it would be like someone they know so well suddenly appeared...but I'm afraid of the shock. What if they don't accept, or don't like, or....

xoxo chrissie

since i have this back problem i have gone to a chiroprachter,and before going i told her that i was a crossdresser so she would know before i came .well i went to see her yesterday and of course i was wearing my lingerie under my drabs and after listening to what she hopefully do for me she wanted to examine me .well i went into the room and she told me to undress so she could check my back.when she came back she told me to lift my under shirt and then she unfastened my bra and did her check.i felt very comfortable with her and there wasnt any discussion about why i dress .then she checked my legs and as i was wearing stockings she didnt say anything.now i hope she can help me fix my back,love phylisanne

Chrissie wrote:There are gg friends I have who I know in my heart relate to Chrissie. We are like girlfriends together and they treat me like one of the girls. I would love for them to know how deeply I feel this way, and to show them Chrissie. In one way, it would be like someone they know so well suddenly appeared...but I'm afraid of the shock. What if they don't accept, or don't like, or....

You could try and feel them out. Bring it up in a fictitious manner. Something like "I have this online friend, and we seem to get along pretty good. He told me he was . . ." Let them know you thought it was pretty cool, and get their opinion.

Then, if it feels right, tell them your the online friend.