Crossdressers-Haven.com

There was another letter in Dear Abby today from a woman who doesn't know how to deal with the fact that her boyfriend just told her he likes to wear womens clothes. Her advice was to consider getting to know his femme side and to accept that we all have our quirks. A month ago she had a letter from a woman who's husband was deceased who couldn't figure out what to do with his femme clothes-she said his AE was also someone she felt close to. I forget her advice but at the time I thought it was very good.

There are certainly a lot more letters about this in Dear Abby than their used to be and her advice has certainly changed....anyone else noticing stuff like this?

Absaroka

Yes its changing slowly. Gender Identity issues are becoming more open and advice has to change. It used to be that the advice was to "leave", "keep it hidden" or "completely ignore it and it may go away".

Leave is still an option, its not going away. No one should stay with someone they can't accept as it hurts both parties. Keeping it hidden isn't really as important anymore and threatening to out him as a control method (not sure if DA used that advice but other columnists have) doesn't work because many out themselves and simply go on with their lives.

Columnists make money selling words and some of todays advice just wouldn't sell to the mass market 10-15-30 years ago.

Here is the Dear Abby article dated 6/22/07:

Dear Abby: I have been dating a man for about six months. We are both in our 40s and have grown children. Things were becoming serious until about a month ago, when he said he had some personal problems "that I wouldn't understand."

Well, yesterday he finally told me what the problem is. Apparently he likes to dress and act like a woman sometimes. He says he does it to "release tension." Some of what he told me seems petty — he likes women's hygiene products. But I don't understand why he would find release by dressing as a woman because we have an active sex life.
He said he has been to counseling many times, and it hasn't helped. I really like him, but I'm not sure if I can handle the whole dressing-like-a-woman thing. What would you do if you were in my situation? — Totally Confused in Idaho

Dear Totally Confused: If I really cared about him, I think I'd ask to spend some time with his "other self." Then I'd make up my mind about whether or not I could accept the situation. Many cross-dressers are happily married and have perfectly normal marriages except for this one "quirk." (And let's face it — is anyone completely quirk-free?)

I think its a real shame that we have to justify ourselves, all the time.
Women are able to wear what they want when they want and nobody says a thing.
You dont hear anybody complain "OMG my wife wants to wear jeans!"

Our fellow guys with their high testosterone levels are just as bad!

Our religous leaders, they are as bad too.
In other cultures and religions, men like us are tolerated or encouraged.

Maybe to gain acceptance we need to reduce the influence of Christianity in our society.
It appears to me, that Christianity is, the cause of this problem
It is the cause of most wars that's for sure!

Kerri

Maria wrote:"Dear Totally Confused: If I really cared about him, I think I'd ask to spend some time with his "other self." Then I'd make up my mind about whether or not I could accept the situation. Many cross-dressers are happily married and have perfectly normal marriages except for this one "quirk." (And let's face it — is anyone completely quirk-free?)"

~sigh~

I guess we're supposed to be happy that it being marginalisied as a quirk is better than the previous venom, but its really more irritating.

At least it is a step in the right direction, quirk or no quirk.

Abby's advice changed because Abby changed, its now written by her daughter.

Advice pages are often a money spinner for the newspaper.
I discovered a good while back that the Sun Newspaper "Agony Aunt" was answered by over a dozen women working from home. My ex-wife was one of them.

Imagine if I had written to "Dear Dierdrie" back then, my ex having recognised my hand writing could have really shot me down in flames, if I had complained about her.

I take these advice columns with a pinch of salt.
I would advise you to do the same.

Kerri

I think its a real shame that we have to justify ourselves, all the time.
Women are able to wear what they want when they want and nobody says a thing.
You dont hear anybody complain "OMG my wife wants to wear jeans!"

I noticed this and just HAD to comment, because it's something I've been thinking about for a long time.

CDing is different for men than it is for women. Yes, that's a double standard, but it's one that has been built over CENTURIES.

Historically, women have crossdressed for various reasons, mostly to be "allowed" to participate in certain activities, such as war, politics, or a professional avenue that were previously LEGALLY closed to women. Women crossdressed because the standards for their lives were inherently "un-equal" for lack of a better term. Many women who dressed as men did so in order to vote or defend their country or way of life or participate more freely in their religion or professional life. They were legally and politically turned away as women, so they adopted male traits and wardrobes to open doors for themselves socially, politically, and financially. A great example of this is the movie "Yentl" (if you are a CDer you MUST see this film).

Cross dressing for men does not have the same history. Men (especially white men) have never been denied social, political, or financial status based solely on the fact that they were men. They therefore lack the "logical" or "justifiable" labels associated with F-M crossdressing. For men, it is now and has historically been an issue of sexual identity, not social justice. So it has not been as widely accepted for a man to wear a skirt as it is for a woman to wear jeans. It is viewed by many women as a threat to their femininity and by many men as a threat to their social supremecy. We live in a patriarchal world, and so it seems "illiogical" that a man, who has the advantage of being male, would want (for any reason) to embrace or express his femininity. In fact, it can be difficult for anyone other than the CDer to understand or embrace their reasons for dressing as a woman, especially since those reasons are different for every CDer.

I'm not saying any of this is "right" or "fair", but it certainly can explain a bit about why the double standard exists in the first place. In short, it's not about what God you worship or what name you call that God..... It's more about societal reasons and acceptance. Remember.... Christianity, Islam, and other religions that discourage CDing are also those same religions that excluded women to the point that it became acceptable for women to CD. Just an idea.

-Tiffany

Hi ShamrockFaerie,

That was a mind-blowing statement you made. I had never thought of that historical aspect of CD. Of course - how logical and how obvious! The whole notion that women used male clothing to alleviate or overcome their subordinate position. For men to wear female clothing represents something entirely different. For most men, the whole idea is not only a loss of social supremacy, but, much worse, a loss of manhood - even when they see someone else doing it. This may account for the intense resentment of homosexuals - gay-bashing.

There is no question - there is a double standard.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here - even at the risk of high-jacking this thread.

Hugs,

Lydia

The whole notion that women used male clothing to alleviate or overcome their subordinate position >> Joan of Arc (Jeanne d'Arc)?????

For most men, the whole idea is not only a loss of social supremacy, but, much worse, a loss of manhood - even when they see someone else doing it. >> or in having to deal with unresolved latent tendencies which I think is much closer to the truth.

Hi ShamrockFaerie,

You have given me a new understanding of the double standard that exist for male or female CD.

Kerri

Absaroka wrote:

"There are certainly a lot more letters about this in Dear Abby than their used to be and her advice has certainly changed....anyone else noticing stuff like this? "

I can relate, since I have also been noticing the amount of letters printed on CDing. But as Kerri wrote:

"I take these advice columns with a pinch of salt.
I would advise you to do the same."

That is good advice,but the fact that it is coming more out in the open, I think that is a positive for us. I am sure there are people out there that don't even know about us, . Just as long as the info is fact based and no slamming on us, .

There is a book currently on the NYT best seller list that addresses whether or not one is born homo-sexual. The issue is that is it a choice and it would appear that -- surprise surprise -- there are those who think it is a choice. The reciprocal question is raised by the writer that "so you think it is a choice? Well my question is, given that homosexuality is a choice then it follows that heterosexuality is a choice, sssssooooooooo can you please tell us the exact, time, moment, place when you decided, determined that you were choosing to be heterosexual?"

EXPAND: crossdressing -- Is it a choice = well some of us have had to ignore it, suppress it, repress it, deny it for a helluva long time and others have not been so lucky to even have that ability. Many of my sisters here have dealt with it from as early as they can remember and seem to have had little, if any, control over it but are just now, like a lot of us, coming to the realization that "Hey, this is actually kinda cool!!!! Virginia could be right, it is a gift!"

So you were either born with the gift, or somewhere during your own "Magical Mystery Tour" you came to accept this wondrous gift, or chose to follow the taffeta trail, so which is it? Or do you just want to give it back? We all know what happens to those of us who try to deny it and return it for your money back!!!!!

Like my sister Lydia repeats over and over: I, too, have just about given up trying to figure it out and just enjoy the hell out of it!!!!!!!

Stay fluffy girls, Love ya,

Virginia