a wife's total non -understanding of my crossdressing

[AngelaMarie]

I have been a crossdresser for 33 years.I told my wife about it before we had gotten married ,this way if she didn't think she could handle it, I would understand. But now,she had stumbled into the room and saw something that I have been keeping from her.She now knows that I have breasts!The whole thing with her is,I think that she thought that she could and would be able to keep from doing it.My urge to crossdress is stronger and I don't think that I will ever be able to stop.IO have a feminine figure that a lot of genetic girls wish they could have.I didn't set out to hurt her in any way shape or form.In the last 4-5 years,our sexual relationship hit dry pavement.It isn't fair for me to keep her in a relationship that she doesn't understand or even try to understand. I know that I am not the only one in this position.Does anyone that has experienced this,want to shine a little light on this matter for me?

[DonnaT]

She sounds like she might be an out of sight out of mind type of person. So if you can continue in that manner, she may be able to cope with the knew knowledge.

My wife prefers not to see me in the wig or with makeup on. I reckon artificial breast augmentation is right up there as well. The rest she can handle much better.

The rest (including the sex) will probably take some form of communication, whether it is a little at a time or via a marriage counselor, depends on what y'all feel.

If she really wants out of the relationship, I imagine she is capable of making that move at her own pace, but they may simply be words spoken without a real desire to commit to ending it.

So give her time to absorbb what's happening. Don't shut her out. Don't make the decision for her. Try showing her how much you love her and want the marriage to last.

My wife has mentioned the D word a few times during our 32 yrs together, so things may not be as bleak as you think.

[Penni SO]

hI YA Angela Marie,

I would have to agree with Donna T about giving your wife time.I also agree that you can't push or make a decision for her in regards to the realtionship.Sexual relationships change over time,we just don't have the honeymoon period forever.Many things affect us as individuals to why we are not intermit with our partner.Perhaps over the past 4 to 5 years it may have been you pulling away,whilst learning more about your femme self....or change of life for her in regards to menopause...you need to talk.
I am a little puzzled with the 'now she knows I have breasts' can I be so bold to ask if you are on hormones,or have you had some type of plastic surgery etc.Becuase I do know that sometime before my partner came out about her transsexuality,she had already been on hormones for quite sometime,prior also to that day she came out,I had said it looked like she was budding in the breast department.
You said it is wrong to keep her in a relationship she does'nt understand ,well has she been given the opportunity through valid information to learn,maybe a counsellor together etc...OR are you feeling as though you don't want to remain in the relationship.
Most here will tell you that stopping just is'nt possible and I would say you know that as you have been dressing for 33 years.Perhaps the urge to dress more is due to age,as men get older they have more female hormone in the system,perhaps that is what is causing you to want to dress more.Perhaps things between you and your wife have come to a point where you really both need to pay attention to the relationship...perhaps from that lack of communication etc your desire has increased.
There could be many reasons,but if you truely love this woman then I really think it is you that must make the effort to communicate an dreach out.
If your not sure you want to stay in the relationship,you need to be up front.If you are feeling there is a chance you want to go further with the dressing,again it is you to make first contact in regards to communication
to your wife.
A person can only learn if given the right information,a person can only learn if she /he has time to take things in and process things in their own way.
Give her time,what would be the hurry.

Hugs Penny

[JoAnnDallas]

As many of you know, I told my wife a few months ago. She still does not want to see me in a dress, heels, makeup, and wig. Since then, she has let me wear lady Hanes t-shirts and shorts, since they are unisex looking. Then over Christmas she bought me a PINK ladies robe, PINK satin PJ's, and PINK slippers. It is still too cold to wear the PJ's, but I have been wearing the robe and slippers. These are the first real fem clothing items that she is OK with me wearing. It has taken months to get to just this, so mabey in the future it will get better.
yes take it slow, introduce things slowly. Show her that the clothing does not make a lot of difference. That your still the same even if the clothing is fem.

[Brenda Anne]

I was just wondering too. Did you develop breasts after you were married . I also have breasts. I told my wife when we first got together that I liked to wear womens cloths. We went together five years before we got married. Three years before we were married I started taking hormones. My breasts developed slowly for three years before we were married. I could still go swimming without a top without too much of a problem at that time. Today several years later, I have a good marriage, we love each other, she has accepted me as I am, and I have even had to come to grips with my boobs too. They are the one thing I have constant. You can take off womens cloths but they are permanent. Having them has gave a sence of closure. Yes, they have continued to grow along with the marriage. Last trip we took my wife packed a tank top with a built in bra for me to wear swimming. Hope your wife can realize they are just a part of you.

[DonnaT]

Hi Brenda, I took Angela Marie's discussion of having breasts to mean they were store bought and tucked away somewhere.

I could have been wrong, however.

But, I think if they were grown, her wife would have noticed before.

[TerriLynn]

My relationship with my wife is also in the 'Don't ask, don't tell' realm. M discovered my stash almost 20 yrs ago for the first time. After several intense 'adult discussions' it came out that she had told my father about it. That was probably the biggest hurt I suffered as a result of M finding out my secret. I promised them both that I would stop, and I did for 3 or 4 yrs, even purging everything I had gathered for several years.
When my employer transferred me to another town, while packing for the move, I found some things in a box in the back corner of one of the closets, and all those feelings came flooding back hard with me, and the desire to be me again was even stronger than ever before, as most of us know who have purged and denied to ourselves.
Soon after, M started working out of town as a temp in the medical field, so this gave me lots of time to dress and even live some as my femme self, after I got home from work of course, mostly at night, and for whole weekends. I was never so at peace mentally as I found at this time in my life.
I eventually told M that I had begun dressing again, and was greeted with a very long silence that lasted for a cpl of days. No fighting or yelling or name calling, just silence. I gave her a cpl of books by Dr Peggy Ruud about CD'ing for her to read, hoping she would come to understand this part of me. After giving her the books, I asked her to read them and that I would openly discuss this with her anytime she wanted, but I would leave that up to her and not press the issue with her until she wanted to sit down and do so.
As far as I know, she never even looked at the books, but nothing, absolutely nothing, has been said again about it. She knows I dress now nearly every day while she is at work, but has never mentioned it again.
I guess the 'DADT' existance with M is the best I can hope for right now. It is definatley better than possible divorcing, or even seperating.

Terrilynn

[DonnaT]

Hi Terrilynn, to the forum.

Take a moment and introduce yourself in the New Members section.

I reckon, for some, DNDT is the most they can hope for, for now. Hopefully, one's SO isn't silently stewing about it, such that it will blow up at some point in time. Without communication, you can't know until it happens, however.

[Lisbeth]

It's been one year almost to the day since I came out to my wife and it's been a heck of a ride. At first all seemed just fine, too good to be true, of course. After she had convinced me that she was fine with it, did my make-up, bought my a pair of heels, womens jeans, a wig (for our anniversary no less) and gone shoppng with me a few times I really thought all was well.
When I told her that this was our secret and she said she would never tell anyone. Then she told her daughter who, in turn promised me that she wouldn't tell a soul. Well, she told her boyfriend. Where the "secret" has traveled to by now I can only guess. This has affected our relationship and really hurt the "trust" part of a lot of what I say now. I know that she is sorry but you can't unring that bell. Still, We've reconciled a lot of the issues and as it stands right now we're doing pretty well.
Both my wife and her daughter are supportive now and her daughter and I go shopping on a pretty regular basis now. She has seen me fully dressed on a few occasions and she really is very supportive ( and impressed with the look) and fun to deal with. My wife critiques me everytime I dress or put on my make up and she is much more comfortable with my femme side.
I dress a few times a week, go for rides and little private outings now and she doesn't worry about me quite as much as she first did. She is worried that I'll run into some trouble if I get "made" by the wrong kind of people.
I just try to be careful where I go and when. So far It's not been a problem and I'm actually living that part of my life that I've had to keep buried all my life. It don't get much better than that.
We've still got a lot of growing to do but I know that sticking to baby steps, no matter how small they seem sometimes, is the only way to grow at all.
In reality, I'm living a life that I didn't think I ever could. I've really got the best of both worlds and people like all of you gals to share it with.
To be able to actually go clothes shopping with my step daughter is beyond anything I could have hoped for a year ago. It's a feeling I can't explain or get from anything else I've done.
I'm having a lot of fun for a "middle aged" gal. Life is pretty good in this camp.

Lisbeth

P.S. My wife got me a new wig for a Christmas present. She said she likes me as a blond. I'm still getting used to it I've never been blond before but I guess I am havng more fun.lol

[DonnaT]

I told my wife she could tell whomever she felt a need to. It was bad enough I carried around a secret for so long, and knew the heavy load I felt from doing so. I didn't want to put that on her shoulders. If she chose not to tell, and carry the load, it was her choice.

She told her grandma, who was fine with it, and who surprised my wife by telling her it wasn't hurting anyone and if it made me happy, so what.

[AngelaMarie]

I was just wondering too. Did you develop breasts after you were married . I also have breasts. I told my wife when we first got together that I liked to wear womens cloths. We went together five years before we got married. Three years before we were married I started taking hormones. My breasts developed slowly for three years before we were married. I could still go swimming without a top without too much of a problem at that time. Today several years later, I have a good marriage, we love each other, she has accepted me as I am, and I have even had to come to grips with my boobs too. They are the one thing I have constant. You can take off womens cloths but they are permanent. Having them has gave a sence of closure. Yes, they have continued to grow along with the marriage. Last trip we took my wife packed a tank top with a built in bra for me to wear swimming. Hope your wife can realize they are just a part of you.

Brenda ,I thank you for your insight. Our marriage was hitting a very sticky point that I felt so helpless .I then started hormones and the helplessness dissappeared . The bigger my breasts got ,the happier I was .

[AngelaMarie]

I started growing breasts out of frustration. Our marriage had a few sticy issues that were putting a lot of pressure and stress on me. When I started growing breasts , the pressure started to dissappear. Not to mention that my dresses also fit better.I had ust stopped taking hormones this past saturday. The only thing with the ones that I was on ,even though I stopped taking them, my breasts will continue to grow for another year or two. These are now a permanent part of me.

[Brenda Anne]

Hi Angela Marie , Be careful about just quiting your hormones, cold turkey. In the beginning I did that a few times, the same way some of us would purge our cloths, only to go buy more, The hormones are different than cloths, quiting them all at once will or at least in my case was to turn me into a nasty very unhappy person my wife didn't want to be around. I hope you have a doctor involved with your hormones too. My doctor told me a few years ago that I should keep taking them everyday and I would be a lot better off than always messing with it. I took her advice and things have been a lot better. Hope your wife can except your breasts. She will find they will make a happier life for both of you.

[KimberlyS]

...Our marriage was hitting a very sticky point that I felt so helpless .I then started hormones and the helplessness dissappeared . The bigger my breasts got ,the happier I was .

Angela, I am surprised more GG's have not jumped in here. Already having marriage issues and then doing something behind your wifes back that would cause more issues is not the way to solve the first set of issues even though it made you feel better. What about your wife? I know I have made the mistake myself also. But I am slowly learning. Facing the first set of issues is usually the easiest route. And interestingly, often the issue is not as big of an issue if you deal with it head on. Waiting usually allows it to tag on more related issues to the first one.

It all comes down to communication between you and your spouse. Something most of us have not been taught and have had to learn the hard way. I know I have and I am still learning. Just start with "honey we need to talk".

KimberlyS-CD
joe in a skirt