Coming out to my parents

Christina Huffman · Post by **Christina Huffman** » Fri Dec 04, 2009 11:19 pm

Hello everybody - I'd really appreciate advice for this step:

My parents already know I'm a CD and I've even dressed in front of them this summer, but I haven't told them that I'm a transsexual until now. I've decided I'm going to tell around this weekend, probably Monday. I've been trying to prepare them over the past few months and I've been getting recent hints that my mother has already figured it out, but I'm still very nervous. Transitioning and going full-time obviously carries a lot more weight and will affect those around me so much more.

I posted this in this section rather than the "More Than a Crossdresser" area because I'd love to receive pearls of wisdom, not only from other TG people, but also GGs (I prefer the term cisgender) and family. Any advice or important suggestions?

The advice I've received so far:
1. Remain confident
2. Don't go into full detail about how much suffering and confusion this has cuased - keep it positive.
3. My therapist has argued this will actually be anticlimactic and that I shouldn't worry that much, but I'm still nervous.

Anyway, thanks ahead of time for all of your help!

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Dec 05, 2009 1:17 am

Christina,

Unfortunately, this is a complete crapshoot. There is just no way to predict how someone will respond. When I first told my brother and what I thought to be my best friend that I was transgender, he told me to work it out with my therapist and if I still wanted to wear dresses, it's ok with him.

However, he instead banned me from his house in female clothes. I thought he would be the most understanding, and instead he completely disowned me. On the other hand, my sister whom I always thought was judgmental, had no problem with my transition and had no problem taking me out to dinner with her family even though I dressed femme all the time, at that point.

People have deep seated beliefs about these things and their responses are simply unpredictable. My brother told me he had to ban me because he didn't want people to think he condoned "that kind of thing". My sister however said "you still seem like you to me".

My only advice is try to answer questions with honest answers and don't hold it against people, the way they feel. In the end it is your family that will decide if they are going to accept you, and you really have to accept that you do not control that.

Good luck.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Sat Dec 05, 2009 4:45 pm

Elizabeth may well be right that people are unpredictable and their reaction is often based more on their own feelings on the subject than how you broach the subject, but that doesn't mean there isn't value in doing it right. Someone who is open-minded can still be worried about you and the last thing you want to do is cause them needless concern. There's no one-size-fits-all approach and I wouldn't claim to be an expert on the subject but I can certainly provide some food for thought based on my experience so far.

While the decision to transition is all about your needs, the way you communicate about it with others should be about them. What do they need to know? How will this affect your relationship? How can you mitigate any fears they might have?

I think the points you bring up are great. Be positive and confident, but also realistic. Insisting that there's no down-side to the decision will rob you of credibility. Acknowledging that there's a risk of violence directed toward you as a result will help reassure them that you'll be careful. Make sure they understand that this isn't a snap decision but is something you've worked through with due deliberation and be willing to discuss it with an open mind from your end as well.

Best wishes, Christina.

(... and if this means you're back in the Seattle area visiting by all means do feel free to drop me a note!)

Michelle Miller · Post by **Michelle Miller** » Sat Dec 05, 2009 8:36 pm

Good advice so far, remain calm, yada yada, and so on and so forth. Be honest. I'm glad my mom knows about my 'feminine side', she took it pretty well.

Of course, if you're gonna go for 'all out shock value', do it at gunpoint. "LISTEN UP! *pulls slide back* THIS IS HOW IT'S GONNA BE!"

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sat Dec 05, 2009 10:21 pm

Well Christina, as you can see, sage advice from some of our forum's best and I include Michelle as that too is an alternative to consider.

I really don't have much to offer other than to let you know I have read the post and for whatever its worth for you to know that you have mine and SL heartfelt support. I guess, to paraphrase what everone has said thus far, fall back on the Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared."

We love you and look forward to your sharing with us the results of your next step on this "Magical Mystery Tour."

Love,

Virginia

Christina Huffman · Post by **Christina Huffman** » Sun Dec 06, 2009 3:33 pm

Thanks everybody for all of your helpful comments.

Michelle's gunpoint advice may not be the best for my parents, but there are definitely members of my extended family that is more than appropriate for.

I'll call them tomorrow night and let everyone know how it went after that. I'm pretty hopeful right now.

Thanks again,

Christina

P.S. For Kimberly: Sorry, I don't know the next time I'll be in Seattle - I need to stay over here for Xmas break to finish up my Masters. Maybe summer of next year?

Post by **DonnaT** » Mon Dec 07, 2009 8:34 am

Good luck Christina.

I would have waited until after the holidays, but I reckon you feel there is a need for earlier disclosure.

Christina Huffman · Post by **Christina Huffman** » Tue Dec 08, 2009 4:48 pm

Well, Elizabeth hit the nail on the head. My father actually responded pretty well - he was understandably shocked and speechless, but assured me they will support me and just cautioned me not to rush into anything permanent too quickly. My mother, on the other hand, became angry very quickly. She argued a) I'm too young to figure "things of this sort" out, b) I need to focus on more practical issues now, and c) I have no idea what it's like to be a woman.

I was angry when I got off the phone as well, but I honestly believe that, when put into context, her reactions are actually normal. I think they are the anger and denial that often occur after this, and I hope she'll come around and accept her new daughter. As to her objections, I didn't respond last night, but I'll go in rant mode now:

a) First, the younger I do this, the better the results, especially hormone therapy. I'm not married, I have no children, and am not paying a mortgage, so it would seem to be easier now than if I wait until I'm 40. Second, people my age make life decisions all the time. When my mother was 27, she was married and had two school-age children. Most importantly, given the problems it's already caused, I worry I won't make it to 30 unless I transition.

b) I'm still focused on practical issues and getting a job, and I'm still finishing my Master's.

c) Yes and no. Actually, I have no idea what it's like to be a man; I know what it's like to be treated as a man, but that's not the same thing. As for her concern that I have an overly glamorous view of womanhood, there's a reason why the more I explore my womanhood, the more ardent a feminist I become. I'm very well aware of sexism, lower wages, the constant need of the media to point out our every imperfection, harassment, the fear when walking alone at night, objectification of our bodies, and I could make this list pages longer. And no, I don't know everything about womanhood right now, nor have I ever pretended to. I know there is still so much for me to learn. However, if there's one thing I've learned from my life, I'm a very fast learner.

Anyway, thanks to everybody for your support and advice for this difficult but important step.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue Dec 08, 2009 8:53 pm

Christina,
I am proud of you! I don't know that even GG's know what it is to be a woman, well, sometimes?!

All I can say is I am proud to know you and wish you only the very best and we are here for you as you continue on your "Magical Mystery Tour."
And if you look over your shoulder once in a while and wonder what that is ............. well, it's Virginia's jealousy!!

Love you, dear!

Virginia

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:17 pm

Congratulations on taking a huge step Christina! I know it's disappointing to have someone so close to you questioning your decision, but you have to be breathing easier having put it out there and knowing what her concerns are. At least she seems to be worried about whether you're making decisions that will make you happy, rather than focusing on what other people will think. In time I hope you will be able to show her that you've done your homework and that you are pursuing happiness in your own way, with your eyes wide open.

The age thing is tricky. Arguably it's easier for society to accept that you're a contributing member if you have a pre-transition track record, but I don't have anything other than anecdotal evidence to back that up and things are changing quickly enough that history may not be an accurate guide. It's definitely easier to deal with the potential relationship issues knowing now that you identify as a woman, so I'm not sure you'd ever have the same issues as someone who is just figuring things out at 40 with a wife and kids. I'd hesitate to recommend rushing, but I know how important progress feels once you get a handle on who you are.

Thank you for sharing your experience with all of us. I wish you nothing but the best from here on out.