The Bad Years

[KathrynCleve]

In high school, I envied the girls and their clothes and wished I could be them. But I had to settle for being in the band and getting punched by football players on a fairly regular basis. The cheerleaders, however, became my friends and confided in me about their boyfriends.
In college, I envied the girls and their clothes and wished I could be them. In four years, I learned how to write and I learned the meaning of the word "longing." The women I met? Once again, I was their friend instead of their pursuer.

For nearly four decades, through three failed marriages, I dreamed of being, longed to be and wished to be a woman.
There were times, like in Navy boot camp, that my dreams were all that kept me alive. Surrounded by the worst kind of masculinity, I closed my eyes and imagined myself as a pretty girl to get through the pain.
After I got out of the Navy, I had to content myself with sneaking around and wearing clothes belonging to my mother, her sister, my girlfriends, lovers and wives for a few precious hours, now and then.
(To this day, the sound of the front door opening or a car door slamming shut makes me tense up, remembering the times I had to quickly get out of the woman's clothing and into my own.)

Kathryn
http://kdcleve.blogspot.com/

[KathrynCleve]

The worst part was having to keep my desire to be a woman a major secret. The combination of Christian guilt pounded into me by my fanatical mother and her distrust of men, with which she managed to indoctrinate me, nearly ruined my life and caused most of the sorrow I have endured. She taught me that men were only interested in one thing and that I should not do that one thing to women, or if seduced into it, I was supposed to not enjoy it. She pointed out the failures and mistakes of men on television, at the movies and convinced me that the only good people on earth were women.
That naive trust of women led to much unhappiness through the years.
I told my first wife my secret before we married and she thought it fun to dress me up in her clothes but asked me never to do so in public. (Of course, I ended up sneaking around behind her back. I still remember seeing The Conversation in a downtown Lansing theater, feeling so excited because I was dressed completely like a woman.)
My second wife didn't get a chance to learn my secret. She hit me with a car after only two months of marriage, putting me in the hospital and causing our divorce.
My third wife did not know until 16 years into our 17-year marriage when she came home for no reason one day and discovered me in a dress. She refused to discuss it, refused to listen to me and began treating me like a leper. We were divorced soon after.

[MsJoann]

Very interesting story. Funny how we all lead similar lives...

[Ann Stef]

difficult to find an underastanding wife.. best to tell up front to avoid conflicts later. Wish you luck.

[Ann Stef]

I too hated the maucho male ego. I enjoy dressing to sooth my nerves. It is diffucult when you cannot express your feeling more openly.