couldn't deny the feelings deep inside me

[Absaroka]

Hi Danielle,

I guess first you have to ask what does it mean for Danielle to come out. Some here are transexuals, really women in mens bodies, and can not successfully live presenting as a man. They may be considering surgery Others are men with a very strong side that must be expressed as what society considers feminine. But they are content to remain physically male while feeling female. Still others present as female occaisionally and percieve this as an aside to their mostly male personality.

Then there are the folks who are male but feel something which is often called feminine but in reality may be something else. They may wish to some times present this side to the public, or they may merely wish that the people closest to them know about this side.

You will find people here who fit into all those descriptions as well as the spaces in between the descriptions. What is right for one person will not be right for another except within the very broad parameters of being true to your fundamental beliefs and values.

For myself, and this is only for myself, I have had the urge to dress in womens clothing since I was about 8. It waxes and wanes for a variety of reasons that I do not understand. I have a number of personality traits that are supposedly feminine, such as being emotional and nurturing. My teenage daughters are fond of calling me the drama queen of the family. However I am able to express these traits as part of the man that I am and do not consider them to be evidence of a "woman within" despite how society labels them. Although I think there is truth to the idea that we all have some of both female and male in our psyche.

My personality traits, my "feminine side" if you will, exist independently oof what I wear. For me, wearing some of my wifes clothing such as her sweat shirts or socks, is just an expression of affection, similar to my daughters or my wife wearing my flannel shirts or sweatshirts. Very simple. On the other hand wearing my wifes lingerie is something very different and at the same time quite similar, just as sex and affection are often linked. I do not wear my daughters lingerie and I don't think I have to explain that to anyone here, we all understand that.

Onto wearing the bra's, panties, dresses, skirts and womens sleeveless tees, as well as garter belts, shapewear and etc that I own. The ones kept hidden from everyone else. For me wearing them is a heterosexual male act. It is about fetish, it is about play acting, it is about fantasies both sexual and non sexual. It is about being something I am not and do not want to be outside of the world of pretend. It is for the most part private. If it was socially acceptable, would it still be private? I don't know. Would it be as much fun? I don't know that either.

There are two people who know all about this in my life. One is my therapist, the other my sponsor in a 12 step program. Both are people who are expected to keep confidences and both are people that are supposed to know my deep dark secrets.

There is only one other person I feel has the need to know and that is my wife. And here is a dilemma. Because the real issue here is the lying by ommision, balanced by respect for her feelings and sensibilities, and my valueing of a long happy marriage. She has her private side, I know some of it but not all. She knows I like womens clothing. A few weeks ago I went into a lingerie shop and looked around. Afterwards I told her how I had looked around while pretending to be shopping for her. It was a non event. I did not tell her I considered buying things for myself. Did she guess it? I don't know. Did she know I had thoughts of wearing them? Probably.

And so there is a balancing act of truthfulness vs. don't ask don't tell. What would I like to do? Let her know that sometimes I take a long walk in the woods at night in a dress. Do I want her to help me put the dress on, walk with me, etc? Maybe once in a while. A better question is do I want her to want to do these things. Sure. Do I want her to do it if it's not fun for her? Absolutely not. Do I want to impose this on people? Absolutely not.

Is there anyone else who I want to know about this. Not really. Concealing it gets tiresome at times but as I said it's private. Sort of like people know my wife and I have sex, but we don't invite them to watch and don't talk about it very often with other people.

So anyway, good luck on your quest for figuring out what to do. I hope this helped. Agains it seems to be the best possible compromise for me, I'm not saying it's right for anyone else but maybe it will give you a way to think about all this. Who would think that a choice of clothing could be so complex.

Absaroka

[Anita]

Hi Danielle--
I wish I could say, "Go with the flow, why fight it?" and be really confident that that was the best advice. If I'm being realistic, it usually is the best advice. It seems to cause more damage to suppress it than it does to accept it.

The problem with accepting it is this one: you have to be prepared to let it go where it needs to go. Don't be scared; that doesn't mean that it will automatically get out of control. It does mean that you have to acknowledge the possibility that it can take you further than you ever thought that you would go with it.

It is a mystery why some of us reach a certain point and stay there for years without much problem, and others just keep moving further and further along. You can't know which one you are, and that's just the way it is.

You can try to stop that whole process by "white knuckling" it and fighting the need each and every time it comes up, but I can tell you that that takes a lot of energy away from your life. On the other hand, secret dressing also takes energy away from your life, because keeping a secret is not a passive activity, in my experience. At 13 I had a lot of energy to use to keep the secret; no problem. At 49, I could see that it was draining most of my available energy trying to keep this under wraps while I figured out what to do about its sudden appearance.

It is still hard because I am still in the closet to my family and friends. I do not , no scratch that, I know they would not understand. Anyone got any feelings or experiences on that topic? How did you come out? or what happened when you were discovered?

There's lot of experiences on here about that, and if you search around you'll find whole threads that cover it. Here is my thread on that topic:
http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=552

[Jennifer M]

It seems to cause more damage to suppress it than it does to accept it.

Anita hit this right on the mark,at least in my opinion.I am battling lonliness and dealing with a family that is not supportive,but I feel better.I feel better about me and I am the kind person I used to be as a young adult,not the grumpyand angry person I turned into from suppressing.I still have a long way to go but now I have a taste of what it is to like yourself.I like it,I hope others will notice.