My Beginings part 2

[ConnieLynn]

The Beginings of a Lady
Miss Connie Lynn
Part 2
After my being told that I could no longer dress up , I did my best to"Just be a boy". Which was NOT alway's easy. especially at first. But as time went on it got easier, and I did my best to put girl things out of my mind. But yet there was an emptiness in me, that I did not understand.

Not until several years later. But I learned "boy things", you know, mechanics, carpentry, masonry, woodchopping, grass cutting etc. etc. But yet I also learned "girl" stuff too. Like doing dishes, and housework, etc. Kind of hard not to when you have 5 older sisters!

I didnt fit in so good with other boys, I was not able to do man of the things others could. I was born with a bone calcium problem that caused me to break bones quite easily. So I was not able to play sports, and such which really sucked! When I was in the 5th grade I decided I was going to be a "Cheerleader"! I was not really sure why. But when I went to try out, I was told that "Only girls can be cheerleaders." I even told the lady teacher that I would wear the same uniform as the girls. She basically just laughed in my face and said I was a "foolish boy". I cried later, when alone in my bedroom. I never told anyone about this. Not until now. So I tried track. After all I could run pretty good. But at the 3rd practice I stepped on a dang rock and broke my ankle for the 2nd time. So no more running. And now, not only did the kids make fun of me, but so did a couple of teachers and coaches. I thought that these "adults" were supposed to help kids, not hurt and add pain. But they did.

So I had this emptiness in me that I could not explain, and that I did not understand at all. I talked to my mom alot, but she did not know what to say to help me. Both she and the drs. I went to all figured it was because of the fact I was not very big and was not able to do alot of things like other boys. I guess that made sense to me too. But still I felt so lost so much of the time.

Around the time I was 10 or 11 I started to have a real strong desire to wear girls underwear. Bra's and pantie's, even pantyhose intrigued me greatly. So I snuck in to my sister's bedroom and "stole" them. Gee, does that mean I "was bad"?? (giggle!!) Only 2 of my sisters were left at home so it was alot easier to get them. Not as many girls around was easier for me anyway. Less confusion!! Any way somehow being able to put on a bra and a pair of panties relaxed me, and pantyhose, well they felt so good on me!! I totally loved them. And shoot I was really good at getting them on when laying on my bed underthe covers too! I learned how to put them on by watching. The same way I learned how to put on make up!! Having 5 older sisters was really great for lots of things!! Wonderfull lessons can be learned by simple observations, and I didn't even know I was learning!

One day, I, not sure why, but I was home from school and alone. Probly had the flue or something. Anyway I decided I wanted to see what I would look like in a dress, so upstairs into my sisters room I went. I got out a bra, panty, p-hose and put these on. I had learned to make "boob's" with rolled up socks, so I did that too. Then I looked in the closet and found the dress I wanted, and got it out. It was a light blue chiffon, with pink and yellow flowers, it had one of those white lace trimmed "little girl" collars and short puffy sleeves. There was also a matching pair of low heeled shoes that went with it. I put on a slip, just like my sister did, the first time I ever wore one and It felt so wonderfull So natural! I loved it on me. Then I put on the dress , got it zipped and I sat in the chair at the make-up dresser. I put on a pink lipstick, and some reddish blush, tried to do it like my sisters did. Then I found the blue clip-on bow that went with the dress and put it in my hair, and I found a pair of light blue clip-on earings. I looked in the mirror and I said out loud "WOW!". Then I got up and closed the bedroom door so I could look in the full length mirror. As the door closed I walked to the middle of the room, took a deep breath, and turned around. HOLY CRAP! I was looking at a GIRL!! I was a girl!! I felt so happy! I turned all the way around. "okay" I thot, "So the dress is short, I got nice legs! NO! I got greaaaat legs!!" I danced I was so happy. I cried even. I got the chair and set it in front of the mirror. Then I sat down. I tired several positions, trying to sit like a "Lady". Then I realized that "If I am gonna be a girl, I gotta have a girl name." and I don't know why, but the name Connie came to me. I was not aware then of where it came from, but what a pretty name! I now needed a middle name, and I stared into the mirror, and the name Lynn came to me. "Connie Lynn" I liked it (Still do) Thats my girl name! Connie Lynn! so cool!! But my happiness was cut short when I heard the front door close downstairs. DAMN! I could be in big trouble! What if its mom. or worse, DAd!! I got out of the dress and shoes fast as I could and put them away. I tore the ribbon from my hair and put it back, then I ran to my bed and dived under my covers just as my #4 sister got to the top of the stairs. She went into her room. It was her clothes I had been wearing. I remembered the make up and grabbed a tshirt from the floor and wiped my face off, found the earings, got them off and hid. I still had on the slip and lingerie. I put another tshirt on over them. I had remembered to grab my "boy" clothes so that was safe. I pretended to be asleep. My sister. Beth, shook me. "Little brother, were you in my room, wearing MY clothes?" she basically demanded. I tried to act sleepy, but it didnt work. "N-n-no. I'm not a girl!" She held up the dress, it was inside out on the hanger. I was dead meat! She must have seen the "fear" in my eyes and just said."You dont have to lie about it. I know you were and I'm not mad about it. But next time ask first, and please put my clothes away right side out. Okay?" I was stunned. had this been my youngest sister, she would have screamed and yelled and called all kinds of names and then run straight to mom! But not Beth. She even sat on my bed, I reached under my pillow and got her earrings and gave them to her. Then I took of my tshirt. "I sorry sissy, I dont know why I did it, I just wanted to see what its like to be a girl! I wont do it again. I promise!I started to take off her lingerie, but she stopped me and said I could keep the things I had on. But said to find a place to hide them. I cried and she hugged me. She also said I should not make promises I could not keep. Somehow, someway, my sister, understood. She was the ONLY one who ever did. And she never told one person, ever!! Even to this day, only my wife, Suzie, and you all know about this.

I didn't really dress much at all after this experience. The fear of getting caught by my parents was too great. Except for one day when I was 15. I was home from school for some darn reason and my mom was gone for the day. By now all my sisters had married and moved out so the only female clothes around were my moms. I decided to put on her lingerie. A bra, panty, pantyhose, a girdle and a slip. I had all these on when my mother walked in and caught me! You would have thought I shot the president!! Damn did she scream and yell and slap the crap outta me. I was sent upstairs to my room to "Wait until your father gets home." I was terrified!! I knew he would beat the hell outta me. That was how he alway's handled "things" like this. you know, "not normal" things.

Well he got home, but didnt come up stairs. He left the house. But was back in about an hour. Then he came up and took a playboy, and a penthouse out of a bag and then he began to give me "THE TALK!!!" I almost laughed!! I had never in my life seen my "dear old daddy" embarrassed before!! My family was 'Mormom' and he was an Elder in the church. I doubt that he had even looked at a porn mag since he had married my mom!! That was like 25yrs before this! Crap everything he was telling me I knew! But I could NOT tell him that. I just sat and listened and when he asked me why I was wearing lingerie I said I didnt know. I just wanted to see how it felt. He did not at all understand this.

The next afternoon I was told to get on my bike and make the 6 mile ride to the church and talk to the "Bishop", or pastor in most churches So I did. He proceded to lambast me with all this "anti homosexual" stuff. Said that if I ever dressed up again I could "Lose my soul" that I would be condemned to "HELL"!

Well I played along with what he said. But even then I felt that this man was wrong. I was NOT at all "gay". I had no interest in boys. I just wanted to dress up as a girl and not be hated. I felt so very lost. I mean, God made me, He put me in this family, He "let" my dear daddy hit and beat me. But NOT my sisters, nor my 2 younger brothers. Sure they got punished, a spanking or such But nothing like I endured. And almost every single time Dad said the same things "Why cant you be more like your sisters? Why are you so damn dumb? Why cant you be smart like the girls?" It was always like that. So I figured that God made me and put me here and that HE put these feelings inside me. He put Connie Lynn in my brain and body. So, HOW can this be wrong or dirty? Talk about screwed up!! But I did my best to fight it. But i never truly won. I stopped wearing "girl" clothes. except for the occasional pair of pantyhose I stole from my mother, or else bought and hid.

And I did okay, at least until I got married the first time.

Chapter 3 will be along soon. Hugs, Connie Lynn

Next part 3. up to now!

[ConnieLynn]

Sorry its so dang long

[Eloise Goth]

thats ok sis..it helps us understand and get to know you better.

[Beauty]

Hi Connie,

To me that was actually your beginnings story.

I had to go back and look at the first one and now that I've read this one I have to say that was more like an intro to the forum about who you were. I move posts that aren't about beginnings, specifically, to the Coping for CDs area. Anyhoo, back to your post.

Wow.. that was some young life you went through. I admire you for getting through it. You have a very strong will. I appreciate the time it took to write all of that, but honestly it was written most excellently so it wasn't a task to read. It was very enjoyable.

Your entire post was fantastic. From when you were first told the end of the dressing up is over (like you told us about in your first post), to how you got both the names Connie and Lynn, to leaving your sisters dress inside out, all the way down to when your dad gave you "The Talk" It was just a great post and I'm so happy you shared it with us.

Beauty