Ive come so far and not arrived yet.

[Chrissy]

Like many others, I would try on femmine things when I was younger (early teens) I dont think I thought much about it then, maybe it seemed natural at that point to me. I was not one of the "guys" in high school and always felt somewhat isolated.

Then came a career in the military for 20 years.

During that time I got married, we had 4 kids. After getting married, I naturally had access to all of her things, but of course one doesnt show up for duty on a military base in a pink dress and hose, so I had to limit what i could wear and when, if I wanted to keep my career. My bride didnt know of my delight of sexy fem attire at that time, so I had to keep that in the background from family. So i was in the wilderness, finding an occasional moment when kids/wife were absent for an hour or two so I could have the treasure of a femine moment just for me.

20 years came and went and I am retired from the military and go to college now. Since leaving the service I have had more time to dress and express myself a little more openly. My SO knows now that I love fem things and she accomidates me. Who knew that the things that she no longer cared for, I would love! We are close to the same size and she gives me her old tops, lingere; anything fem that she is sending to the thrift store ends up in my side of the dresser.

Unfourtunatley she has a bi-polar mental illness that has taken a toll on the family and really hit hard the last few years, especially last summer. For 25 years of marriage, I have found myself drawing away from people and becomming more and more isolated as i tried to deal with her situation, and trying to manage 4 kids (one of which had the same mental illness) and keep a job to feed us all.

Here I have to admit to a sin of my own, the use of herbal hormones at first and then progynova (estrodiol) I was so desparate to be someone differnt. Someone female. I did not want to be me anymore, but I still had to care for children, provide for them and try to care for my SO as best I could.

Confused thoughts, to say the least.

8 months have gone by since ive started estrogen. Ive grown breasts (a small b cup), my yucky male pattern baldness is filling in with new hair. My skin is soft and my appearance seems to be more fem (last month in the hallways of the community college, a group of guys walked by me and called me a cupcake) I just wasnt expecting that. To me I thought I just looked more trim.

I know there are downsides with the hormones; jobs, relationships, health problems...the list goes on. My bride is ok with my "changes"; she and I are off to the mall on monday to buy a new bra and panty set for me for which i love her dearly for her understanding. The remaing 2 kids have noticed some changes in me, but in their presence, I try to dress as I did in the past. Its something that I dont try to force them to deal with in any manner. I wear things that deemphise my chest, I get in "guy" mode so the familiar is what they see. Being retired, I dont have a boss to worry about, and medically, I just had a complete physical 2 weeks ago and no problems reported. I also know that I am very near a point that I have to decide wheather to continue the hormone therapy and loose all male functioning or stop the estrogen and be content with how far ive come.

I appologize in advance for the length of this post, but no one will ever know how good it feels to be able to write this and "get it out of the shawdows" for good or ill.

Have I done the right thing? I honestly dont know. I do know that I love my SO more than ever for her understanding and compassion. I love the different view on the world that I have now; more understanding and less confrontational.

In the end though, when I look in the mirror, I finally see Chrissy and Ive got so much to talk to her about.

[Anita]

Hi Chrissy--
I was interested in your post, and read it all. I felt for you, reading it, and that makes it hard going. Raising four kids is hard work in and of itself; any other problems are like running on the beach with weights on.

Can your wife be supportive? Even daily life can be a problem for a bipolar person, and transgender is rough on even the most well-adjusted wife. If only last summer her illness got especially bad, it seems like she's not well-prepared for this. At the same time, you're saying that you're grateful for her love and understanding. So I don't really know the situation you have there.

You have permanent changes, but that's not necessarily a reason to go on in and of itself. Can your military benefits support your family if you can't find a job as a woman? You're going back to college for re-training, and that's a good thing. TG women can have a hard time finding employment, though.

If you do go on, I'd definitely get under a doctor's supervision. It sounds like you've been lucky so far. It's not an easy decision you have.
Anita

[DonnaT]

I am very near a point that I have to decide wheather to continue the hormone therapy and loose all male functioning or stop the estrogen and be content with how far ive come.

The question is, how does your wife feel about the possibility of losing your male functioning. And would you be happy not being able to fully function.

[Chrissy]

Thankyou both for your replys and some insightfull points for me to consider.

Donna
First in the "male dept" yes that is something we both need to address and decide together. I know she has needs and I dont want my desires to be the only thing I think of. Nothing is amiss yet, but I know that eventuallly it will be impacted if I continue. So that is an issue that we are discussing.

Annita
As far as her being supportive, she has been 100% with me. Her bi polar condition has caused some rough patches for sure, but she currently is and has been under a psyc's care and a therapist. There is a lot of background things that are to long and winding to talk about here, but after 25 years and kids and moves, through the good and bad, we have stuck together. I just cant imagine life without her, even though its been a challenge at times. Can she deal with the situation? I liken it to my experience of dealing with the manic depressive episode's that Ive gone thru with her. It wasnt always easy, but I was there for her, in my heart I know she will be there for me.

Work is not a great concern at this point. The military gives me a rather nice pension every month that covers all of our living expenses. Thats not to say im filthy rich, but we have enough to get by on. If I need to work, I am able to find a gov. job using veterans preference.

The doctor thing I understand. You may well be right that ive been lucky so far. I wouldnt disagree. Thats one of the reasons I just had the physical to see what was going on inside.

If I do continue with the estrogen, I will seek out a tg friendly doc.

I know that ive gone done a road that leads only one way with no return.
I thank you both for your thoughts and concerns. This is why I felt I could "bare my soul" here; to be able to discuss this as I never have been able to before.

Thanks for listening

[Sally]

Hello Chrissy,

One thing I'd like to offer for consideration is that in using estrogen, it's highly likely that the drug may thicken your blood and make it subject to clotting. Estrogen has this effect on blood usually, not just for males but women as well, but it's a known accepted fact in women and adjustments are made for that fact in medical circumstances. The danger in this is that if you were involved in an accident and required emergency surgery, the medics would not be aware of the facts in the possible situation of your blood, thereby putting you in a situation where they would not be monitoring you for the expected free flow of blood or possible clotting of your blood during surgery, in respect of the effects of the estrogen.

This is something which was originally strongly stressed to me by my endocrinologist before she recommended me for my hormone program.
At all times I carry a card which stipulates the hormones I'm taking and the dosage levels, which hopefully would alert people if they didn't know where to check my medical history. I keep it with my card re my blood group and organ donar card. It's the usual recommendation that in males, if someone is due for surgery, it's a recommendation that they cease taking their estrogen for a period of 30 days before the op.

Although there are some dangers for some people with taking opposite sex hormones, my medics have advised me that the incidents of 'something going wrong' are relatively minor compared to the numbers of people who officially take them, although numbers can never be accurate because of the large amount of people who take them non-prescription.

From my experience and the people I know who are on hormones, most of the changes they effect are reversible if you cease to take them. Exceptions in the main are that usually anything from 80% to 100% of breast growth is retained, that being the most significant of the changes which usually doesn't reverse completely. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule as there is with any 'rule', but I would haste to add that the majority of cases where I've seen 'something go wrong' have been where people have had a medical condition which was not compatible with taking opposite sex hormones or they were taking a much too high a dose for their condition. That's the main reason why I always encourage people to seek professional medical advice, but I do know plenty of people who take them without consulting a medic and the majority of them are fine, the ones who have problems have a more emotional adjustment problem moreso than a pharmacological problem.

I wish you well with it all, and you have my deepest sympathy for the problems you and your wife are enduring with her health. I can empathise with you due to the fact my wife has had traumatic problems with menopause and repercussions from earlier childbirth days, which operations have failed to correct completely, and it's so sad to see someone you love so dearly struggling with bad health.

I think your case is a classic case of the value of this forum, where you can, as you say, to be able to write what you did and 'get it out of the shadows', it's often impossible for some people to find someone they can ' let it all out to '.
I don't want to be seen as casting aspertions on other forums or people, but in my experience the quality of the people who make up this forum, both sexes included, is second to none and one can usually find any assistance required on most any topic in life or just use it as a release, it's just a nice safe place to visit from time to time.

I wish you both well.

My kindest regards.

Sally.

[Chrissy]

Sally,
Thanks so much for your informative post. Prior to starting the estrogen, I did some research and found that 81 mg of asprin a day as a blood thinner was a good precaution to follow.

Actually I have pretty much decied to stop the medication at this point. I think that your input along with thoughts from others on the board haven caused me to reflect on everything....whats important, whats real, things like that. I acheived a bit more than I was expecting with the estrogen, of course hoped for more and desired to stay the course, but its time to seek a safe harbor for a time to think.

Ive been lucky so far I guess with the estrogen. All the unknows, perhaps they are yet to strike. I accepted that possibilty when I took my first tab last summer. Is my cardio system going to shut down with a heart attack, will the delicate balance that is the body decide that the dummy running the show shoved pills in her yap just to have boobs is not bright and therefore we quit and I meet my demise? Possibly yes.

If i should decide that this was right and if I decide to continue, I will go down that long (but safer) path. Including the harry benjamin standards and therapy, doctors, ect...

Thankyou for your thoughts on my situation with my family. So many complications to juggle... ah but what is it other than annother challange that life brings.

I do thank you for your insight and carring enough to post your thoughts to me and all who read. Your so right in your thoughts about this being an open and thougthfull forum. It indeed has great value, if for no other reason then allowing us a community of people that care for the other.

Thankyou.

Chrissy

[Amelie-Laveau]

I read this thread Chrissy, all the girls here gave good responses.
I can only add that I feel sorry for your tough situation. I hope you can live life without the problems it brings. And I hope your future can be brighter.
Amelie


PS- You couldn't wear a pink dress and hose to the army base,, The dress would clash with the army boots.

[Chrissy]

Amelie

Thanks for your respose and I agrree that everyone has been so thought full and carring in reguard to my situation.

When i visit this board I feel like I've found a place where I can forget how to cry. But im very lucky in many ways and for those things I always try to give thanks.

Chrissy

if they only knew back then that the warrior wore pink panties!

[Kristen]

Chrissy, I hold you in the highest regard. Staying with your bi-polar wife is outstanding. Seeing beyond the bi-polar events, and staying is comendable. I'm glad to hear your wife is in therapy, seeking help is a big step. I am bi-polar and did not have a understanding wife, my brothers and sisters wanted my parents to bring me to someone, but they never did. I did not get help until I was 39. I have finaly have the knowledge and will to recongnize an event and change my attitude before it is uncontrollable. It's taken years of therapy and medication to do this. ( two marriages and one lost daughter)
So I would like to know more about your hormone therapy, can you pm some time. Thanks for sharing your life with us. Kristen

[Chrissy]

Kristen,
Thanks so much for your message. Its funny how when I start to feel down and the clouds gather, something out of the blue arrives that gives me a reason to smile. You provided that this morning without even knowing. Thanks so much.

I'll send a you a note via p.m. Thanks for your kind thoughts and words

chrissy

[Virginia]

Hi Chrissy,
Yes it is commendable that you stay with your wife and help her. As for your potential transistion, I have some friends who followed your path and each one reached a conclusion that hopefully you have.. If there is ANY doubt in your mind as to if it is right for you - Honey, you are not ready for that big step! So as you have determined, step back and reexamine yourself and with sisters like Sallly, we are her for you as you enjoy your Magical Mystery Tour"
Virginia

[Chrissy]

Virginia,

Thanks so much for your very kind thoughts.

Oh yes, the thoughts of what path i take are never too far away from me; also what the impact of what ever I do will have on others. This inner struggle is slowly being fought under this facade of stability I show to my world each day.

What an apt description; Magical Mystery Tour!

Thanks for being there, and carring enough to let me know that there are helping hands along the way.

Chrissy