I write this to say that I was once at a place where I saw myself as other posters on this forum. I was very much a guy and still am when I am in boy drab mode.
As a guy I still enjoy the fetishism of the lingerie.
Here is what I found to be very interesting. After confirming there were others who crossdressed and I was not the only freak who did this. I contacted tri-ess as from what I read it was for guys like me. Guys who were strictly heterosexual males whoenjoyed wearing womens things.
I then got in touch with my local tri-es chapter and got invited to a meeting after a telephone interview. I felt safe in going and I was told most would be wearing the fem things they liked but we would be at a public place. Oh No! What am I going to wear?
I hit ebay quick. My wife (ex now) after seeing the dress and shoes and foam breasts etc decided she wanted to apply my make up, so I said what the hell. She just wanted to show me how to do it so when the day of the eeting came I could do it myself. I felt a little bit wierd but this is what happened.
After she applied my make up I then got fully dressed and stood in front of a full length mirror and looked at myself. Something happened. I was not feling the usual sexual urge from what I was wearing. I was looking at something different. Something that had a potential all its own. I looked at myself and did not see the crude male that I had grown to be ( perhaps in a subconcious repression of this newfound being?).
I never was a very vain male, typical caveman style Type A personality get in your face ex soldier. This new self became very critical of my appearance. I never paid this much attention to myself and to me I never looked this attractive.
I went to the meeting and I did not own a wig. One of the gurls there had a spare and asked me if I would like to try it on. My knees were trembling and as a male I dont scare easily. I went in the female bathroom and tried on the hair. This turned into a two hour process as I fell in love wiht myself while several of the girls attempted to give me the best DO possible considering the wig and my look. It was so much fun!
Something happened to me that day. That day I learned more about myself than all the years I spent home enjoying my fetish as a fetish. This new creature who I named Tina has different aspirations. Tina does not wish to be seen as a slut and has possibly better moral standards and expectations of my total self than my male part. Learning about Tina has made me a better person all around. I want to go to meetings and be regarded as a good role model. I want to be as much a lady as possible while being a girl. My focus is not on the sexual aspects on how this started but something deeper. Me falling in love with my own girl that lives inside me. Me falling in love with myself so much that I let my girl help my boy side become just a better person in the world he must live in as a boy. I never could imagine how this evolved. Its been quite an adventure so far. I look forward to growing more into the woman I want to be en femme as I know it will only further enhance the man I have already become.
Do any of you ever experience a sort of feelings of violation if when in drab you become excited as a male with a fetish does when trying to get to full fem mode or am I the only crazy one here? Its almost as if there are not two sides but three. There is some other sexual little demon in the middle of the genders.
