Jinxies life not sure where this was supposed to go

[Jinxie]

i wasnt quite sure where this was supposed to go, i wrote it all out in word so i can cut and copy since so many of the places in these forms are locked to me, please Mods if you could put this where it is supposed to go and if i dont have access i would really enjoy having those rights so i can read the replies.

**Warning This might be a little graphic, but i promise it was the only way i could explain what i have been though i did what i could to keep it PG-13**



Who I was,
When I was younger I was molested by my cousin, I think I was around 5 or 6 years old he always made me be the female, as I grew up I was very sexual. I remember always playing I will show you mine if you show me yours with my friends, sometimes it would lead to dares, and I always tried the “I dare you to let me kiss it” which of course would soon lead to licking and such. A lot of this was before the age of 11, and then I went a few years with out doing those kinds of things. When I hit my teens it started up again, but this time with a new twist, I always wanted to be the female, I enjoyed the thrill of dressing up in my moms clothing when no one was home.
When I was 14 ish ( cant remember if it was before that or soon after ) I was at a friends house, one night we were up late in our “fort” in the basement when we found a porno tape, we started watching it, which soon lead to masturbating under the covers, which lead to whos was bigger. The next night I felt the old urges again, and I offered to basically give him a hand job, with in a few weeks I was over there almost every chance we got to have a sleep over and we would watch the tape and I would continue to “help him” we one night decided that I would dress as a girl in his sisters clothing, I was so excited, so we raided the laundry piles by the washer and soon I was wearing a bra stuffed with socks, panties, and a dress, but the dress wouldn’t stay on so it usually ended on the floor shortly after the movie would start. After that I was hooked, I always became the woman as soon as everyone went to bed and he and I would just act like I was his girl friend, sometimes we just played video games, or watched movies, but usually at some point in the night I was intimate with him. From then on I knew my life would never be the same.

A few years later and a few special friends later (I think I was around 16) I met someone who really seemed to enjoy who I was, and for months we secretly dated, I was always the woman, we would go out and steal clothes from the clothes lines and I would dress up. Sometimes we took the clothing back sometimes I kept them in his house. I had never done anything other than hand jobs and oral sex, never even attempted any kind of intercourse. Months later (maybe even a year) his mom went away for a weekend and I went down to spend the weekend with him, I spent the whole weekend dressed up, Sunday night he asked me if he could tie me down, and I had no problems with that, I usually gave him control of me anyways so what did it matter if I was tied down or not? He lead me to his room where he showed me how he wanted me, and at the time it seemed fine. he told me that if I wanted to be a girl so badly then he was going to “do” me like a girl (but in much worse words) so he raped me, and although he had used some kind of jelly (I think Vasaline) it didn’t help very much I cried and asked me to stop, but he didn’t, when he was done I was horrified and so mad, how could I have not seen this coming when he tied me down, but I was happy that he was done and that I could leave.

He had other plans, I told him I wanted to go home he told me he was just getting started. He then called in his dog, and that’s how my night went, between him and his dog which seemed like forever, but could have been an hour for all I know. I went home barely able to walk, I managed to sneak in to my house and I had a shower, tossed out all my female clothing and never told anyone, mom asked me when I was walking funny and always shifting in my seat but I told her I fell off my dirt bike.

I never trusted anyone again for a lot of years, when I was 21 the mom and dad got divorced, and I moved again. And somewhere out of the blue the female urges came back, and I started up again with a new friend, although I didn’t dress up right away, cause he was very shy and unsure, it took me sometime get him to go out with me. And we went very slow, almost a year later I was able to dress up for him again when we were alone and which soon lead to me pleasing him as a woman, not once did I ask for anything in return.
As my female feelings became more and more stronger, I went out and started buying clothing instead of getting it from laundry lines and rooms or friends mothers or sisters places. The urge of being a woman would come and go.

4 years ago I started going out at night dressed up, with a hoody on or a low ball cap but still in a dress and my water balloon breasts. I soon felt that I wanted to become a woman, but then things started happening to me, and this is where I was stuck.

My Switch.

Over the course of a few days I would start to “switch” from male to female, I would feel it inside me, I would be come softer, I wouldnt look at girls and say wow shes hot I would say wow I wish I could have breasts like those or look like her, or hair like that etc. then I would wake up and feel female, put on panties and a bra, and wear baggy clothing to cover up the bra strap marks, and then I would shave my body hair and feel great. I would go to the womans department and shop for things or look at things, which was fine cause the store people always assumed I was buying for a girl friend.
Then one time I went to the store to buy a dress and bra that would fit my body, so I told them I was buying this stuff for myself, I have to admit they were very helpful, I told them that I was looking for a dress that would support me having a D cup chest and they would help me pick out different dresses, even different bras. And let me go in to the womens changing area, and while I was in there brought me some alternatives to try on. I was so happy.
At some point during my female side I would start to “switch” back, I would become more aggressive, want to do push ups and do the guys stuff I always did or wanted, and it went from wanting to be dressed up as a female all the time back down to bras and panties, to just panties, then one morning I would wake up and be my male side. And boy did I hate my self for shaving my legs, armpits, etc. I would throw all my female stuff in a bag and put it way in the back of my closet.
Sometimes it would be gradual others almost like a light switch, very fast
I only purged when I moved, and one other time most of the time I kept the stuff cause I knew I would be back for it.

And that is how I lived for many years, some days waking up not knowing if I wanted to put on my panties or boxers, dress or jeans. I went though many depressions and saw some doctors,
One time I had a special friend over when I was my female side, and decided it was time to have intercourse with him, my aunt caught us, she didn’t say anything until the next day to me when he left. She actually thought at the time that it was me and a girl, and told me I would have to tell mom that I was sexually active with a girl and I should look in to condoms and such, which I said yeah good idea, only later when my mom asked what time my male friend went home did she clue in and cornered me in the hall that night asking what was going on, then like a wave it hit her and she said “oh my god you were the girl I seen!” she told my mom what she saw leaving out many of the details, it was more along the lines of I seen your son last night dressed up as a woman. And that caused many fights between our family.

2 years ago, I went to a friends house for 4 months and while I was there I had decided that when I returned home I was going to start to become a woman, we had bought breast forms, and I spent a week totally dressed up and going out with him ( with lots of make up and a wig that coved most of my facial features) we bought my ticket home, which was 2 weeks away. I wasn’t sure if I was going to continue dating woman or men when I had changed, but I figured I would deal with those things later.

With in those 2 weeks while at another friends house, did I meet a woman who I knew I would love forever, and connected very fast, we both knew how each other felt and instead of coming home to become a woman I became her husband, before we got married I confessed everything to her, and she had no problem with who I “was” but as long as I knew that if I wanted to marry her I could not dress up or even consider being a woman again. It took a lot of thinking and I hadn’t dressed up for several months, I decided I would take a chance, I owed her and to myself to know how I felt, so I brought out all my stuff one night when I was alone and dressed up for the entire night, and before I had always felt “right” or something would click inside of me, even when I was in full male mode if I put on panties or looked at transsexuals I would feel the urge to become one, and I would start a “premature switch” but this time I felt nothing.

Its been little over a year now, and I have not had any urges to dress up. Until about a month ago, and although I have not dressed up there is something in the back of my mind, not sure if its me wanting to dress up, or the memories of the excitement I used to feel as a woman pleasing one of my special friends. Every few days the urge gets a bit stronger to dress up again and to feel the softness of panties, the freedom of a dress.

My Dilemma:
Maybe its because a month ago my grandmother passed away and one of my old special friends was there, and the old memories came flooding back of what we were and did, or because I was so emotional, a barrier went down that was up blocking my female side, it was a bit of a traumatic event for me, I really don’t know what sparked these old feelings.

What I do know is that I am scared to death, I want to talk to my wife about it but I don’t want her thinking I want to become a woman again, I am stressed out so badly im having night mares. And if I was to dress up when no one is around, whether I like it or I use it to express a small female emotional side of me, what happens if the feelings that have been gone for so long don’t go away, then I would be really in deep cause I love my wife more than my life it self, the minister asked each of us in private if we would be willing to die to protect the other, I never even blinked or hesitated I never felt so strong about anyone or anything in my life.

And wow I typed a novel lol, I am sorry but I guess you all should know my story before I can really ask for any advice and help.

* * * * * * * * * *
Edited to remove the sexually explicit details, which were not necessary, and which are also not permitted at our forum. I draw your attention to our Newbie Guide to Forum Rules and the pertinent section as follows:

PROFANITY & SEXUAL REFERENCES:
The site is heavily moderated for any sexual references. To avoid being edited please do your best to word things that may be close to the line in a creative way. It's hard to give examples here because it's just our opinions of what should be changed versus what is right. We request you do this to keep the forum a place where trolls or those seeking to date, seduce, or hassle TG'd people cannot just visit a search engine and type in key words and arrive here. It also gives the forum a classier feel.

The readers are able to 'read between the lines' and figure out what happened. Please remember that sometimes things are best left unsaid.

On a more personal note, I am sorry, Jinxie, that you experienced what you did while you were growing up . . . there is no excuse for that behavior from your so-called 'friends'.

- SilverLady(SO), Site Administrator

[Amelie-Laveau]

Wow that was some beginning story Jinxie.

When I first got my computer I joined a forum about New Yorkers that lived an alternative lifestyle. Then I read a thread where someone said how they were molested as a child and the first reply to the poster was, someone saying,, wasn’t everybody on this forum molested as a child.? It seems to me that there is some sort of link between people living on the fringes of society and being molested as a kid, not all but quite a few.

I do notice that you say “the urge to be a female” and not as most cds say “the urge to dress as a female“. You seem to have more feelings about actually being a girl rather than just dressing as one,, more in line with being a transsexual. But I am no expert.

Your first part of your story has some similarities to my teen life. I was sexually active with guys before I knew that I was a girl. In part, it was these older guys(maybe even called molesters) that ha d an effect on me becoming a girl. But unlike you, I lost my male side, I didn’t have the battle inside me between being male and female. From some point in my teen years, I became a woman and stayed that way.

I don’t know what we can do to help you, we can just try and answer your questions, even writing out your thoughts would be of some help to you.

[Lydia]

Dear Jinxie,

Your story really brought up my feminine side. My tear ducts were well exercised today. My situation is quite different from yours, but it does not lessen my feelings of sympathy and empathy.

Clearly you are in a state of conflict and confusion, and some resolution is required. I am far from being a qualified couselor, and that may be what you need. At any rate, you came to the right place. Perhaps none of the sisters here are professionally qualified to advise you, but we are ready and available to share our problems. Perhaps we can find some common ground.

My own approach is to depend on the classic concepts of mutual love, understanding, and honest communication. Perhaps these are not adequate to actually solve all problems in a relationship, but they can make conditions liveable with compromises.

Watch this space for more comments from this very friendly group, and don't hesitate to ask any questions that may occur to you.

Hugs,

Lydia

[CJ]

Hi all,

Jinxie,

That was a harsh bio. I feel for you and and I find it sad that there are so many "users" and abusers out there. It's often tough enough being a human being as it is without our being damaged by people who have little regard for the consequences of their behaviour towards us.

I'm not a therapist either but I do have the following two or three suggestions for you...

Always be "real" with the ones you love. Don't try to hide who you are or what you're feeling or going through. You owe yourself--and your loved one(s)--at least that much; it's in this way that you'll learn how best to heal yourself and to allow the ones who love you to help you on the road to well-being.

Don't focus too much on regrets, on the "what could've beens" or on the "if only things." The better part of emotional wellness consists in our uncovering and discovering what, exactly, we can do and who, exactly, we can be (or become), given who we already are up to this point in our lives. This is important. Say to yourself, "okay, this is who I am... what are my options? where can I go from here?"

Finally, try to connect with others who may have some inkling as to what you may have gone, or may be going, through. Reach out. Discuss. Exchange. Share yourself with open souls. This is the best way to see and to learn that you're not nearly as alone as you think in your "weirdnesses." It's also a good first step in your coming to embrace, to accept, and to love who you are as an individual. Mining this forum (and others like it) is a great way to do all this. There's gold to be found here and friendships to be forged.

Everyone here has, at some point or another, had to walk through his or her own "Dark Night of the Soul." It's always made at least somewhat easier when you allow your hand to be held or your steps to be guided by the voices of those who've walked this often painful road before you.

I wish you well on your own emotional journey, Jinxie. It's not an easy one. Yet, in the end, it's the only one that truly matters.

Love,
CJ

[Absaroka]

Dear Jinx,

That was a very moving bio and I really feel for you. The past is past but you are also in a present which contains a great deal of confusion.

I think it is wonderful that you are able to articulate all the things here that you have and I hope you will continue to do so.

I've come to learn that a great many people are molested both as children and as adolescents. What these people did to you was wrong and in no way your fault.

As for your dilemma currently, it sounds like it could become very complicated very fast. It is a subject that can be (understandably) very frightening to spouses. And there is the fact that although marriage must be founded on honesty, at the same time there may be conflicting truths. Your love for your wife and desire to spare her pain is the truth. Who you are inside is also the truth. So what role honesty here? It can be very confusing. My only advice is to approach her with respect and love no matter what you do. Which it sounds like is what you are doing anyway. But the fact remains that once things are said they can not be unsaid.

My personal opinion is that this is an area that is far too confusing to be sorted out by yourself and certainly beyond the ability of us out in e-land to do more than to provide a sympathetic ear and our own experience with. I would suggest that you find a professional counselor who is VERY knowledgable about gender issues and begin talking with them.

Love is extremely powerful and many have met someone they loved and put their own uncomfortable feelings aside about things like what gender, if any one gender, am I? However after a while they return. The stress of a death in your family may have hastened their return.

I hope you do not think I am engaging in any sort of judgement of you by what I have said. I have been very fortunate in finding a therapist who has been able to show me a different framework for considering many of my problems and it has been tremendously helpful to me, and I am simply suggesting what works for me in this area.

Please keep posting

Absaroka

[Jinxie]

thanks for all the replies.

I have search before on finding Therapists who can help me and i only found one, and he to be honest wasnt very sure on what to do with me or where to direct me. a major part of that was because of my switching, i had a very hard time talking about my female acts or side when i was in my male side. and there was quite a few sessions where i wouldnt talk about them at all. I went there for a year, cause i was also suffering from quite a few other things including depression. and in the end i didnt feel any better or helped in any drastic way so i stopped going.

as for my current problem, before i even talk to my wife, which i plan on doing once i have more information and understanding. i will be doing a ton of research on what my feelings mean. It is very hard to do research on this kind of thing because we share the computer room, and we are both very avid gamers, she also works the same hours as me, so unless i get rained out or have a day off its almost impossible to get real alone time on the computer, Weekends arent to bad if i can get up before her.

I do know this much as of right now.

I dont think i would change my sex, unless i really start battling inside worse than before and my female side wins over, i think i will always return to a male.

back in my past i would switch to a female side a lot more often, and at those times i did want to become a woman, but i dont know if i would have had SRS or not, i was pretty sure i did want to go on hormones and have breasts. but then i did get a wonderful pair of breast forms and although they werent exactly the size i was hoping for they really did help me.

I also know a good deal of the times i would dress up would be around the times i had a place to be a female, and the opportunity to act like a female, especially when it came to knowing i would be performing sexual acts like a woman.

at my peak i was fully considering on becoming a woman, it had been a very long time since i was with a woman, ( close to 5 years ) and when i met my wife those feelings vanished almost over night. I was in the car driving up to where she was staying ( though i didnt know it really at the time ) and in the car i was talking to a good friend and told him when i returned home i was going to look in to doing therapy and getting on hormones and starting the transition, and after spending a day and night with my wife, all those feelings were gone, which causes a lot of confusion in my head.
cause i wonder:
1)was i really wanting to be a woman because:
(a) its how i really felt inside
(b) I was alone for so long that i gave up hope on finding a woman, so i wanted to become on to find companion ship
(c) was it all just linked to being very sexual, and when it came time to actually doing the therapy i would have backed out.

I have talked to many close friends who are guys and only one of all of them and including anyone off the top of the head of my counselor I was the only one with the sex drive that i have, which leads me to think and i really should start keeping track do i get the female feeling when my hormones are at their peak? maybe its always around a certain time of week or month, maybe its been to many days between being intimate.

how exactly are the feelings different between someone who is transsexual and someone who is a cross dresser ?

and is there a difference in feelings and changes between a transsexual and someone who is a transvestite and what exactly is transgendered ?

as of right now i also know i could never spend my life with another male, even when i was at my peak i still wanted to be with a woman. maybe it was because of the way i was raised but i still want to have children.

a major part of my problems is that i dont know what my feelings mean, and there is no one around here that i could talk to that can relate to me, although my city is big, the people i would be looking for hide or are at least very hard to find.
and as for seeing another therapist unless that person has gone through what i have, or has either cross dressed or transitioned how can they really help me with understanding what my feelings mean?

and goodness me i wrote another novel lol.
well i will cut this off here and check in again when i can thanks again for any help !

[Absaroka]

Lots of questions Jinxie and I have few answers. Finding a f2f group of transpeople might be helpful. Diedre McKloskey wrote a good book about this called Crossings, and there are a lot of other good ones out there.

One thing I was struck by was the idea that much of this seems sexual. Maybe if you try to consider the differences in terms of gender and not sex it will lead to further confusion which will be a good sign in disguise as it means you are thinking further about more stuff.

As a start what makes you feel like you might be a woman. Try to answer this in areas that have nothing to do with sex. Anita is someone here who has thought about this alot as have some of the other transpeople here.

The real difference between a transexual and a crossdresser is that the transexual is not crossdressing, they are wearing the clothing appropriate to what they really are. The crossdresser dresses that way precisely because it is not what they are. At least that's the case with me.

Good post. If you go into the Transgender issues part of the forum that might be a good place to start new threads on this subject-I'm sure you will have a lot.

Absaroka

Absaroka

[SandiAnne]

Absaroka said it well. Jinxie. When I crossdress, I do so knowing I am a man trying (sometimes not very successfully) to look like a woman. I am very aware that I am putting on clothing and accessories manufactured for the female population. I do not think that I am putting on "my" clothing. I think I am putting on Sandianne's clothing.

Sandianne