Crossdressers-Haven.com

Although I started crossdressing when I was about 10, I think there was always a feeling inside when quite young.

I have seen photos of myself dressed a baby girl - my siter used to dress me up.

I also remeber when I was about 3-4, wanting to try on the frilly panties that belonged to my neighbour's baby girl.

Perhaps my other side was there from the start - My only regret is that I left it until much later in life to come out of the closet.

Dottie wrote: My only regret is that I left it until much later in life to come out of the closet.

Better late than never.

what was the feeling? that you thought you were a girl, or that girls clothes were exciting in some way?

Absaroka

I think is was the feeling of wearing something that was for girls. Also the actual look and feel of the panties ere so different to what I wore at that time.

When I asked my mom if I could be a girl for Halloween, when I was about ten, the attraction was not to the clothes, but the the feeling of being a girl, being soft and pretty.

When I think of how I felt then, there was also a peaceful feeling of showing how I often felt--like a girl. Then and now, my body image of myself is most often feminine; when I had crushes on girls in school, I often had feelings of imitation. So to be girly for Halloween let me 'show' those feelings. I didn't feel there was anything strange about it, it seemed quite natural, and I felt very peaceful and serene.

I suppressed my love for feminine clothing for far too long, had the feeling it was "dirty" and i was abnormal.

Pauline Greenwith wrote:I suppressed my love for feminine clothing for far too long, had the feeling it was "dirty" and i was abnormal.

I am curious as to why you felt that way Pauline?

I too went through a similar stage when I was in my late teens. Used to mentally beat myself up because I crossdressed..guilt purge etc.. None of it makes any sense to me today.
Can any of you relate to those earlier feelings?

Joselle

my wife says I am a pervert to want to dress in womens clothing, she caught me the other day wearing a bra. I told her I like the feel of womens clothes but she does not understand. she says women cant wait to get bras off and she did not like wearing skirts either. So for now for me either I have to be careful or stop. I do not know what to do. Dressing in womens clothing feels right for me

Erica

Why did I feel ashamed?

A bunch of different dynamics. First of all I grew up in the late 50's early 60's Wearing girls clothes would be considered sissified. A bad thing for a boy in those days.

We are socialized to be boys. Most of that is probably good. We need to be socialized to be something. However part of socialization is a rejection of doing things another way. So breaking the mold is going to lead to a fear of disapproval. I suppose it's inevitable.

On the other hand I was socialized in other ways also. From very early on I was confronted with the idea of "how would you feel if I did that to you?" The foundation of much of the worlds morality in it's best sense. From that I learned tolerance of others who were different, learning not to call names.

I guess it's my way of saying that we can't just say eliminate all the socialization of children that takes place.

So that was my shame as a child and teenager. Then I became sexually active and discovered that this was related to all those feelings I had about dressing. But our society calls this a fetish and makes fun of those who indulge in it. Another cause for shame.

Mostly I am not ashamed any more although I am still wary. Because the truth is that society in most instances will react to a man with a beard in a dress.

There is also my family's feelings. The only person I feel badly about concealing this from is my wife. It's a bigger secret than I am comfortable with in our marriage. However when I have talked about it she seems uncomfortable. The two people who I've told all to in f2f life also know her and agree with my idea that the don't ask don't tell thing is probably best and that she probably doesn't want to know more.

Then there is the privacy aspect of this. There is a sexual component to cross dressing for me although at this point in my life I don't think that's the whole story. But sex is relatively private. For me to walk down the street in a dress is sort of putting all my sexual stuff out there. I don't really like it when other people do that so I don't think I should.

Then there is the something else, whatever it is. Being my own imaginary friend for lack of a better expression. (no I don't mean masturbation) This to is something private. Very few others have a need to know.

Back to the original question of why shame? Because as children we were breaking an important rule. That's why. Whether it's a good rule is another question altogether, but we can all agree it's an important rule.

Absaroka

Thank you Absaroka for opening up the topic of shame. Certainly for me that was huge, though of recent years it's been diminishing as I get more comfortable with who I am.

I feel there's some hidden aspect to the shame that's very hard to get at. All the reasons you mention, the childhood gender taboos and so on, are certainly true.

But something more is down there, beneath the rational. I get just a sense of it ... a feeling almost like crossing wires and getting a bad shock. As if, at a subcellular level, my guy DNA is terrified of being stamped out, while my girl DNA is terrified of being detected ...

Yes, I know, that's mysticism, and isn't very helpful. But I just wanted to hint at that utterly non-rational terror that, for so many years, seemed to lurk back there, ready to bite my head off if I were caught dressing
or seeming femme.

I think once we emerge in public as cross-gendered, we can push that particular shame/fear back out of sight—a once fearful specter that has withered with age and lost its ability to harm.

But its power in earlier days, for me at least, was demonic.

Even now I don't know if I've managed to say anything really useful about it. That's how devious and hidden that particular shame is.

Love, Robyn Katie

Shame! That was a major component of my feelings about myself for many years. It began with my mother beating me if she caught me trying on her lingerie - I was only 6 or 7 at the time. It continued through my long (and happy) marriage. My wife (gone now over 12 years) barely tolerated my CD, but always felt it was a perversion that she had to endure. This gnawing feeling of personal shame and guilt eventually left me when I found groups like this on the Internet and aquired a wonderful, understanding SO. When I go out dressed, I am still cautious, since many people in town know me personally and professionally, but no longer ashamed. I think I can pass as a "mature" lady, as long as I dress conservatively.

The other day (Labor Day), Paula (my SO) suggested we visit some local garden exhibits, and that I should go en femme. We spent a few hours wandering among plants and horticulturaly inclined ladies. I managed to keep my voice at a moderately higher pitch, and we were addressed as "ladies". No thought of "shame" nor even of embarassment. My main problem was that I was overdressed for the Florida heat: pencil skirt, stockings, long-sleeved knit top. Most GG's were in shorts and tank-tops. The pencil skirt made getting in and out of the car a nuisance. However, all in all, I had a wonderful time.

Thanks for letting me share my feelings and experiences.

Hugs,

Lydia