Crossdressers-Haven.com

I didn't start dressing until I was 13, but I've always felt out of place. Even when I was 6, I would paint my nails with pencils or markers, I would get confused when the class would separate by gender, and I made much easier friends with girls than boys (that is still definitely true). While other boys played sports, I learned ballet.

In 8th grade I started dressing a lot in private, usually stealing things from my sister and later my mother. I was caught by my parents right after I turned 14 and they brought it up to a counselor I was seeing for other psychological issues at the time. He argued dressing was some sort of defense mechanism or sign of depression - I was too young to know any better and internalized that belief.

However, I couldn't stop for more than a few months at most; when I tried to stop, it became an overwhelming and irresistible obsession. I was caught a few more times and punished, but all that did was make me learn how to better hide it. To get around the guilt, I began "punishing" myself with dressing - if I didn't do some random thing correctly, that would be the consequence. Or I would play a game with myself, being sure to "lose", and the consequence of that would be dressing. In college I began to view it like an addiction, and songs about drugs (e.g. "Not an Addict" by K's Choice) came to represent my feminine urges to me.

A few years after I started grad school, one of my good friends was dressing up as a pimp for Halloween and wanted to dress me up as her "ho". I tried to act hesitant and ignorant while doing this, although I raised some eyebrows when I insisted on going all out and not wearing male clothes underneath. The Halloween party was an absolute blast - my outfit was atrocious, I wasn't even close to passable, but it was still liberating.

After that, I embraced dressing much more in private, although I falsely believed it was nothing more than a fetish and was still very closeted. I started dressing as a gag for various events such the "Ms. Relay" fundraiser for Relay for Life. I was even able to raise a lot of money one year when I wore 5" heels, and women were very appreciative to see a man finding out what that's like.

Ultimately, it became too much for me to constantly lead a double life and pretending to be someone I'm not. I started coming out by telling my best friend on Valentine's Day this year and have since come totally out. I started going out in public more often, including down to VA for Tri-Ess meetings and in front of my parents when I was in Seattle. A few months ago I finally admitted to myself that I'm so much more than a crossdresser - I'm a transsexual. I'm not living full-time yet but will transition within the next few years. So I guess that's my story!

Everything you relate I experienced. I thin you will find many other men on this site, who have tried to submerge their feelings. the probem is that we have the desire in our hearts and no amount of societal pressure will erase our need. I am only starting to embrace my need and would encourage you to push it one level higher. This evening, i wen out en-femme for the first time and it was so exhilirating. A release, a rush, a vindication!.

Thanks Christina. That was a very nicely written description and I really enjoyed reading it.

What I've come to understand here is that there are a lot of different reasons why we do this.

Zari

Christina Huffman wrote:I didn't start dressing until I was 13, but I've always felt out of place.

While there are a lot of people who describe having very early experiences with dressing there are no shortage of us who didn't take that step until our teens - but still see a lot of earlier signs in retrospect. It's wonderful that you've been able to get so much apparent clarity about who you are and what's important to you!

While other boys played sports, I learned ballet.

It was gymnastics for me and I was horribly upset when I was told upon advancing to 7th grade that "girls did gymnastics, boys did wrestling." How did you get started in ballet?

A few months ago I finally admitted to myself that I'm so much more than a crossdresser - I'm a transsexual. I'm not living full-time yet but will transition within the next few years. So I guess that's my story!

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Christina. It really is liberating to finally define yourself in terms that feel comfortable - just resist the temptation to adopt traits simply because they're associated with the label that suits you best. What's most important is what feels right to you, though I completely understand the need to be able to describe where you are with accepted terminology.

See you around the boards, and hopefully in the chat room from time to time!

As I posted on another thread, I have had the priviledge of meeting Christina and how can I describe her ----- oh, "she is a looker!" She passes, she's pretty and she is intelligent and feminine!
I hope she stays at the forum and continues to share with us. She has a lot to offer.

Virginia

Thanks for the post, Christina: I enjoyed your writing. Halloween is almost always tricky when you're not out--there's a natural tendency to want to do your best look and go "all out" on this one chance to go public.

I wish you well on going out in public. It's a big step.

Thanks to everybody for their really nice replies .

I've actually been going out in public for a while - I've even given presentations at WVU dressed, gotten manicures with my mother, gone into the building I work in dressed, and more, although I will say none of that was as much of a rush as that first time I REALLY went out in public. Not as a joke, not for Halloween, but out as a transgender person.

At the beginning of May, I went out with a few friends to Vice Versa, the LGBT club here in Morgantown, in the same red dress I'm wearing in my photo. I was so nervous and withdrawn at first, but I warmed up after a while and really enjoyed the rest of the evening. I actually ran into a former student while dressed: I didn't recognize him at first, but noticed there was this guy at one of the tables who kept looking at me funny. Finally, I saw him talking to one of my friends, and then he came up to me and asked, "Is your name Chris?". Then I recognized him. He was really nice (although he wanted to know why he got a B in the course), complimented my appearance, and he introduced to his boyfriend and their friends. We ended up dancing the rest of the night as a big group - my favorite memory from that night was dancing to "Beautiful" by Akon.