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I knew that I had a clear desire to be CD, but the opportunities to express were very rare while I was at home. Even though my mom was well aware that I frequently dressed up in the privacy of my own room. My strong need to go out to be accepted in society and validation kept me from pursuing my desire, although I did fantasy about dressing up and what it would be like, going out, which only served to fuel my longing to be CD.

During those years, I remained diligent in pursuing activities which would get me the most approval, acceptance, and validation. Finding out who I really was, much less being myself was not on my agenda; rather, being what other people wanted me to be was the main objective I strove towards.

I believed that, by doing so, I would stand the best chance of being accepted and validated. Unfortunately for my process of self-discovery, this meant that I would build a persona which did not match the CD identity within me, while neglecting my true identity as a CD.

A few things I did do which were closer to being expressions of my true self were reading popular Woman Fashion Magazines and my study of Woman’s Designer Fashion. These involved personal expression and the love of everything a woman would be interested in, which I consider are feminine attributes at the time.

Throughout my teenage years, I had just a few relationships with girls. Though I loved femininity, I didn't know what to do in order to succeed in dating or doing anything with females other than being their friends. I was so concerned about being accepted that I wasn't too keen on risking my desires in being a CD. I found out, though, as a result of one of my experiences, that I was unwilling to compromise what I knew to be truth in order to negotiate for what I wanted in a relationship. That experience, and others, also illustrated to me just how much I lacked in knowledge about relationships with the opposite sex, and how vulnerable my feelings were.

To be continued.

VickiCD

Hi Vicki,

That was a great post. I read it over and over to make sure I got everything.

It was very insightful. I never had the ability to stay in my room dressed, but thankfully my parents went out a lot to banquets and stuff so I had lots of time to dress at home alone.

For some reason I never really got into women's magazine's, but I think that's more because of what you said. I think that was because I was busy making sure I was the person my family could be proud of vs. the person I am. I had to put half of me in the closet.

Thanks for posting your story. It's so therapeutic to read great posts like yours.

Your convictions are super healthy and I applaud them!

Beauty

VickiCD wrote:
Throughout my teenage years, I had just a few relationships with girls. Though I loved femininity, I didn't know what to do in order to succeed in dating or doing anything with females other than being their friends.

VickiCD

Hi Vicki,

Great post. I hung on the statement about relationships. I found during this point in my life, I was friends, good friends, with numerous girls. This friendship was very much like the friendship they had with the other girls. As for anything else, I couldn't get to second base. I was not a Romeo. Were your experiences similar? Just curious.

Hi Josey.

I had 4 serious intimate relationships in my life time, and all four were great. But it didn't last, simply because I felt at the time I need to further expand my inner most self as a CD. Thus, I avoid any relastionship of any kind with the opposite sex for almost 8 years and concentated on my life as a CD. When it came to socializing with the opposite sex, I had never had a problem in making friends, girls were always attracted to me, yet I had to make my intentions clear, that I was not interested in a serious relationship, just firendship.

Then in the 80's I met my true love, now my Wife, and we have been married for 16 years. I still remember the day before I gave her the engagement ring, I told her the truth about my CD. She just simply smile and said quote; "That would explain why you are so unique and different from any other man, and why I love you so much", unquote. I haven't forgotten those very words. The years we shared together both as a male and CD has been exciting and fun.

I was truly fortunate to find someone as special as her.

Love

Vickicd.