Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi. Since I just joined this board, I will post a little about me. If the mods feel this post needs to be in another area, I wont mind if they move it.
I am a 46 YO male whos been bi-sexual from the start, but tried to just ignore it and hoped it would go away. I came to grips with it in my early thirties but hated it because it complicated my life. Why coudnt I just be fricking normal? Around that time I tried on my first skirt and loved it, but felt I could not "go there". I put that on "ignore" HAHAHAHA After a few more failed relationships with women, where by things just "didnt seem to work out" I began to dress in womens tops and shorts. I liked doing this. I can pull this off very easily because of my body type. Womans XL fits very well. I am 5'4 and just sort of look like a girl anyway...Except I dont have boobs !!!!!!I never tried to "pass" but on occasion get called miss or maam esp with my hair shorter. A few years ago I got both ears pierced which I love wearing my diamond studs, or on occasion, hoop earrings. I would like to do my nails and other make up, but I feel I cant for personal safety. I am probably pushing my luck wearing the stuff that I do wear. One of the woman I used to date, and the only one I ever told "all" to chastised me for wearing short denim shorts and a pink tanktop a few weeks ago. She said what do you want to get killed...but I loved it. shes right though. But I still love it. I felt sexy in a way I NEVER do otherwise. I usually wear more conservative dress, like longer shorts, capris, and plain tops in mild colors...Boo. I do own a few dresses, one of which I bought in Dress Barn, where the counter girl offered me a frequent shopper card. And I accepted it HAHAHAHAHA. I was nervous. Im sure she knew. I only wear them at home. I shop at walmart for tops and shorts. I would love to wear really femmy stuff, but although I have the proportions of a female, and this is the weird part, because I really do. (I make a lousy boy) I still have man hands and nails, and certain facial features that I feel would keep me from passing well unless I used a lot of makeup. Or something. Maybe if I did get my facial hair removed, which I would love to do.
I have always felt like I have been a mix of male and female. Or maybe even mostly female. For a while it was like, if one actually WAS female, but just got to have a male body. (That was great for a while...!) But as I got older, it seemed like the female side was becoming more assertive. For a while I wondered if I could just somehow get rid of her, but SHE was part of ME and I needed her. Together we confound anyone who happens to meet us. I can do some boy things, but cant back a trailer up to save my life, or park very well. I am great with color, design, and even make my living in that field.
I have contemplated SRS but am not totally thrilled with the idea. I am not rabidly transgendered. People who are usually dont wait until they are over forty. Dressing girly does not give me much of a sexual thrill, if at all. It just feels nice somewhere inside. IF I had enough money to actually have all the work done I would need to not only "pass" but actually look beautiful, I probably would take a much much closer look at the subject. I want to be pretty. I want to be cute. All the women Ive been attracted to have been, and I realized that actually, I wanted to BE them. Not just have some fun times with them. This sort of complicates my relationship with other males as well. When Im with a male in that way, I go into full girl mode. Many outright gay men dont find that very appealing. For my own self, I do find such girlyboys attractive, along with others.
The stress that dealing with this part of me, now, at this point in my life, has been affecting my mental wellbeing. I am not sure how I will handle this situation. Maybe ultimately being a non- SRS gurl on occasion, or full time, or moving to a place were I wont put my physical safety at risk by wearing a dress in public without being able to pass. Moving away from my family, or only visiting them while in "boy mode" is another option.
I have considered taking female hormones to see how they affect my mental state. There are some herbals available OTC but the web at large has mixed opinions about them. Ofcourse I would like to have some breasts but not huge or even big ones. I have *some* as it is actually. and a hairy chest -dies- BWahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
A

I'm not entirely clear why you can't dress up at home to your heart's content and see how that goes. It feels you're all a bit inside your head about this.

Hi Alpinia--
Yes, I'd think about relocating to another place that's more user-friendly for a TG girl. You're right in that gay men don't really go for femme cues in their partners--some femme-like behavior, maybe, but not the clothing that goes with that side of the gender fence.

I do dress up when I go out on the boat somewhat, but I dont have any place I can go where I wont encounter other people for long periods of time. One of my gay friends suggested looking for a club or group that dresses up together. There must be one in every city, if its big enough. That is my next plan of action
A

The thing is you don't seem to have much of a buzz from the clothes per se. It's like everything about the CDing is in some form of social context. Like you just don't seem to have a concept of wearing the clothes without having some sort of interaction with other people - Or at least another person.

If that's so then, inevitably, you're going to immediately run into the problems of social acceptabilty - and be stuck with conflicts from that. So then the question comes: Is your CDing something that exists in and of itself, or is it some part of a wider debate you're having with yourself about your position in society?

That is an interesting line of thought. IF I was alone on a desert island I would wear all sorts of fun things, and NEVER any "male" clothing. I like the female colors. Not sure if I would wear stuff that was cute but uncomfortable though. Shoes too. I have some boots I cant wait to wear with a fun outfit. I enjoy wearing the things I can in my location, like feminine shirts and shorts, but there is no "thrill" persay or "buzz" other then, Oh I like these colors. I dont have any sexual thrill? But I feel SEXY in some outfits. If that makes any sense. I do NOT want to freak out my street by walking around in any more obvious womens clothing then I already do. I am not passable and am not trying to pass. Not quite sure what the social interaction has to do with it...It is a given where I live. I do not have 3 gated fenced acres where I could dress up all day and never see anyone. If I did, I would love it. Right now I share a bathroom with other tenents who have seen me in my usual outfits but not in heavy drag. I dont want to make them uncomfortable. They are Catholic and have children. Not likely to appreciate it.
I have or feel that I have, excepted my position in society at large. Neither the top nor the bottom.
I will say, I am not sure how far I see myself going, do I take hormones to feminise myself more, get implants, maybe use padding (That does not hold any appeal to me actually, I would rather be all myself) What is my ultimate goal? Do I want to be able to pass some or all of the time? Do I want to be able to switch back and forth? Do I want to become a surgically altered female? Where does sex play into this? My feelings are fluid on these topics. I just know what I like to wear. I would like to see a female when I look in the mirror. It bothers me when people call me sir. Part of the reason I am here is because I am tired of trying to go through this alone.
A

Hi, On Your "Issue", I think I'm "with" Anita, If You are in BC, it's a "No_Brainer", Vancouver is "User_Friendlier" than more "Uptight" Places.
Almost the "Reverse" of Your "Conditions", Many "Regulars" are almost "Over_Doing" the "Whoa" there, "Look_At_You_I'm _So_Liberal",
However, If You're "Searching" for "Genuine" "Understanding" and "Sincerity", "GO_ONline"
Good Luck, Alpinia"

My "Issue" is that the "Liberals" "Default" to "Oh"_You're_Gay", and I
"what_I_Like is an "experience" with an "Intelligent_Open_Minded" GG who I can "Share" my "Love" and "Fashion_Experience_Talent_Taste" with And then "Go_Shopping"with.

especially ,I "Love" to discuss and "compare" Information with.
I had One such friend and she has another friend who she said was into a "Private_Lingerie_Party" with, and she knows that i have a "Surplus" of Nice_Unused_Lingerie" to "Share"with the Right_Friends", but she "caught" a serious dose of a serious "Health_Issue" and is physically unable to "Come_Over_And_Play"

Love,
Marda

Hi Alpinia,
After reading Anthony and You, again, I'm "wondering" if You're "forcing" the Issue" Too Much_Fast"
As in "Roadracing", It's "Not_Cool" to try "Breaking" the "Track_record" On _Your_First_Lap" and on "Cold_Tires". How about "Dressing_Easier" @ first, and This "Approach" , Also_ I_Believe, "Honours" Anthony's"Point" as well as "Allows_for" "Conservative's_Nervousness" and the "Vibes" they "Give_Off" because >>>
"You "Show_Them" "what_They_Feel_Uncomfortable_About_With_Themselves" by your More_Confident_Expression Of_Yourself!"
@"First" I was "Nervous" in the Mall on "Saturday Morning"

GoTo "laSENZA" or "PINK" and "Allow_Professionals" to_Serve_You" "With_Their_Loving_Touches"
Allow_Them_Their_Passion_For_Sharing" "GG"_To_CD" "They_Need" "Good_Customers" that they are Able_To__Relax_With"!

Have You any Idea How Many "Regulars" Want/Need" to "Be_Like_You", "Brave_Bold_Out"
"Society_Is_Sick" and "Then_They_Hurt_Others" "Even_"Involuntarily" "Illness _Is_Like_This"
"Misery_Loves_Company" "Warm_Your_Tires"!

It's "waay_Cool" when Someone "Asks" me about "Me when "They_Relax" About_Them"!

A nice, "Basic" "V"_Top" Stretched over even a 2 Upsize_Bra "Seems" to "Be" "Less_Threatening" for "Most"_Conservatives", Who "See" me in my "Powerchair" and "Know" I'm a "Foxey" but "Not_Glamourous" "CDer", Sometimes, They"Ask" "Sensitive_Intelligent" questions
Then, "We" "Have_Opportunity" to "Interact" "Peacefully" and "Create_ A_ Friendship"

It was Jimi Hendrix who "Sang" "Run_On_Mr._Businessman_You_Can't_Dress_Like_Me"!
\
and "Pointin'_Their_Plastic_Finger_At_Me"!
"Hopin'_My_Kind_Will_Drop_'N_Die"
"but">>>

Go To"Axis"/Hendrix"
love,
Marda