How I began, Part 2: The Consequences
Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2004 5:40 am
I managed to keep my early crossdressing a secret for about four months. Then one afternoon, my mother confronted me suddenly. Why were some of her things hidden in my room? I did not answer.
That was the last civil conversation we ever had on the matter. Thereafter, for about the next four years, it was war. She would deliver some threat, warning (veiled or specific),sarcasm, barb or insult to me, any time of day or night I happened to be around her. Call it a minimum of once an hour, for four years? It didn't stop me at all, of course. But it ruined my adolescence.
I kept on wearing her clothes, and also started collecting things she discarded, or I found in neighborhood trash bins. (I lived in a large city.) If she found anything I had acquired, she got rid of it.
At the time, like many of you, I thought that, not ONLY was I the ONLY male in the world who wanted to do such a sick thing, but the FIRST in human history.
Gradually though, I learned from newspaper articles of arrests of homosexuals in bars dressed as women. So these then, were the "queers", "homos" or "fairies" my mother sarcastically had "mentioned" to me. At the time, it was a known fact that crossdressing was something only "they" did. Even "Dear Abby" and "Ann Launders" said so. So how could I say that I had no sexual interest in men? (And still don't.)
My mother's greatest threat: "I have decided to tell your father tonight what you have been doing" turned out to be a bluff. After her death, my father casually mentioned that she HAD told him, but he had ignored it as "nonsense" and "just curiosity". That was pretty much how their relationship was then. My father had his own problems and both my parents drank.
I should mention that, during this time period, I was also attending an All-Boys elite High School, gearing us toward engineering careers. (Had to beat the Russians to the Moon, you know.) It stressed the subjects I was worst at, math and science, eventually at the college level. I was failing everything and on the verge of being expelled. At home, there was my mother and her acid tongue. I have no idea how I survived being sixteen. I literally felt I had my sanity cupped in my hands and it was slipping through my fingers.
Anyway, about the time I turned 17, the fires of adolescent testosterone had banked down and I became less obsessive about dressing. After I finally graduated High School (barely), I attended college briefly and then joined the Army. As you sisters who have been in the service know, there is simply NO privacy in the military. NONE. Plus I was soon in a combat unit in a war, and we had other things to worry about. My desire to crossdress did not go away, of course, with my GI haircut. But I learned to "do it in my head" which served me well enough. After my discharge, I chose a rather masculine profession, but resumed dressing in my spare time. And that is more or less it.
That was the last civil conversation we ever had on the matter. Thereafter, for about the next four years, it was war. She would deliver some threat, warning (veiled or specific),sarcasm, barb or insult to me, any time of day or night I happened to be around her. Call it a minimum of once an hour, for four years? It didn't stop me at all, of course. But it ruined my adolescence.
I kept on wearing her clothes, and also started collecting things she discarded, or I found in neighborhood trash bins. (I lived in a large city.) If she found anything I had acquired, she got rid of it.
At the time, like many of you, I thought that, not ONLY was I the ONLY male in the world who wanted to do such a sick thing, but the FIRST in human history.
Gradually though, I learned from newspaper articles of arrests of homosexuals in bars dressed as women. So these then, were the "queers", "homos" or "fairies" my mother sarcastically had "mentioned" to me. At the time, it was a known fact that crossdressing was something only "they" did. Even "Dear Abby" and "Ann Launders" said so. So how could I say that I had no sexual interest in men? (And still don't.)
My mother's greatest threat: "I have decided to tell your father tonight what you have been doing" turned out to be a bluff. After her death, my father casually mentioned that she HAD told him, but he had ignored it as "nonsense" and "just curiosity". That was pretty much how their relationship was then. My father had his own problems and both my parents drank.
I should mention that, during this time period, I was also attending an All-Boys elite High School, gearing us toward engineering careers. (Had to beat the Russians to the Moon, you know.) It stressed the subjects I was worst at, math and science, eventually at the college level. I was failing everything and on the verge of being expelled. At home, there was my mother and her acid tongue. I have no idea how I survived being sixteen. I literally felt I had my sanity cupped in my hands and it was slipping through my fingers.
Anyway, about the time I turned 17, the fires of adolescent testosterone had banked down and I became less obsessive about dressing. After I finally graduated High School (barely), I attended college briefly and then joined the Army. As you sisters who have been in the service know, there is simply NO privacy in the military. NONE. Plus I was soon in a combat unit in a war, and we had other things to worry about. My desire to crossdress did not go away, of course, with my GI haircut. But I learned to "do it in my head" which served me well enough. After my discharge, I chose a rather masculine profession, but resumed dressing in my spare time. And that is more or less it.
I'm sure she's your biggest guardian angel now that she's home and sees that this side of you is actually beautiful and she was part of the reason you came in to this world. 
