Crossdressers-Haven.com

I doubt that I can match CJ's articulate story--it resonated with me so much!

My own beginnings go back to about the same time--around 5 years old. I don't remember ever being caught at that age. I do remember the fun of walking around in too-big heels and other garments--the kind of thing people adore in little girls.
I put it behind me for awhile, until about age 12. I remember one day seeing my mother's heels lying in the bathroom, and slipped them on. It just happened that they fit perfectly, and the thrill I felt then was so extraordinary. Naturally, I had to try them with stockings. And underwear. And a dress.
Oddly, while I've never gone out en femme as an adult, I ventured out often at that time. As a 12-13 year old with fairly long hair and a still childish face, I could walk around the neighborhood briefly and, apparently without notice. Those times had to be chosen carefully--no one home, around dusk. But seeing motorists pass without a second thought, and belieiving they thought they were just passing a girl in the street just felt so good.
After age 15, I stopped dressing for a few years, but began again after I was married. Over the years, I've attempted to stop several times, but always come back.
My wife knows and doesn't like it, and that makes it harder. The struggle between guilt and the joy I feel when I dress is omnipresent.
I have to go now, but once again, I just want to say how happy I am to have found this wonderful forum.
:)b

Hi Sara,

I may have done so elsewhere, I'm not sure, but just in case I didn't, I wish you a warm welcome to our little corner of the web. It's great to have you here.

I'm glad you enjoyed my story, Sara, but I have to point out that it took me a lifetime to articulate it. And it is ongoing. What matters here is that you feel free to let us know your views and experiences in your own unique and beautiful voice!

You mentioned going out crossdressed as a teen. Boy, did that ring a bell! I've done so many times also and, you're absolutely right, it was a total rush. I'd even venture far out of my own neighbourhood. Risky, risky. But I felt such a heady mixture of delicious excitement, serene "at-onement," and free-form "naughtiness" that I didn't care about the risks.

I remember coming home from such a stroll once, only to find my dad and his friends walking around the house, chatting. I panicked. I couldn't get in through the front door nor through the back or basement doors. I went to the local park to wait it out for a couple of hours. Luckily, I didn't meet anyone (that would not have been good, as my brother and I were not very well-liked by the neighbourhood gangs because of the fact we spoke English). Anyway, when I returned, it must've been around 10:00 pm. Again, luckily, I made it back to my room (through my bedroom window, no less!) and no one was the wiser. (Or, if they were, they didn't let on--my dad had this way of willfully ignoring my "hidden side.")

Well, Sara, enough about me. I'm eager to hear more about you. Please tell. It's too bad your wife isn't more understanding. Have you tried to talk with her about this in circumstances where she'd feel more at ease? Communication is so incredibly important. If she really is closed on the subject, I think you should nevertheless hold on to the joy you feel when dressing up and try to feed your guilt to the birds and the squirrels (they'll eat anything).

Love,
CJ

Hi Sara,

I agree with you about CJ's story, it really latched on to me. It was super powerful.

I remember those moments of slipping on my mom's shoes as well. The whole experience was so magical. I can't remember every moment of it, but it sure brings a smile to my face the moment I start thinking back.

This forum amazes me, it really does. OMG! Two people who went out of the house dressed as teens that's something I'd never heard of!

We had a privacy fence so I would walk in my backyard, but I never ventured out of my gate. I felt like my mom had this omnipotent power and would discover me if I ever left the house.

It's also cool both of you went out when you were young and had experiences in public.

Christina's story about coming home only to find out her dad was home with friends was really exciting. That's actually a feeling of self imposed forced feminization I guess? The only choice you had was to walk around neud or to wait until you got home to change.

I had to be in the house before nightfall and we had bars on our windows after a break in. I'd often fantasize about using the lock to get out of my window, but that would fail because we had an alarm that made a big CA'THUNK when you'd turn it off. I was trapped in a fortress. Come to think of it, my mom did more at locking me in than keeping others out. lol.

Skipping ahead to now. Sara, it's important that you told your wife. Even if she doesn't like it, hold your head high because you were honest! Major kudos to you! I'm super sorry you have to feel guilt about anything.

Is it guilt that you're a CD? Is it guilt that you married someone that doesn't accept you? Is it guilt that you continue to dress because you are a CD and she doesn't know? Or did I just miss it?

You are happy you found this wonderful forum created by Shannon and Sharon and I know I'm happy you found it too! You've added another level of personal growth and understanding for me with your beginnings story.

Thank you very much!

Beauty

Hi, Beauty.

Thanks for your kind words. You are such a supportive person.

As for why I feel guilt--that's pretty complicated. Guilt because my wife feels hurt by this. I've tried to explain to her that it's not a reflection on her or how I feel about her, but that it's something as much a part of me as being left handed--and that maybe part of what she loves in me is that side of me. But she's very conventional in many ways, and has a lot of trouble coping with this. On the bright side, we are still together, and our relationship is pretty strong at the moment. But she is not willing or able to fully accept this part of me, and I have to keep it separate from her.

Guilt, too, because I can't help but be a product of the culture I grew up in and, sadly, while women are encouraged to adopt masculine traits, the culture as a whole disdains men who aspire to feminine traits. (I guess that's a reflection of how deeply sexist our culture remains--women are seen as elevating themselves by becoming more like men, while men are seen as debasing themselves for becoming like women. But that's a topic for another day.)

Guilt, again, because I waited far too long to accept this side of me and the cost of fully expressing that side would be enormously high with family, career, etc. It's in unresolvable conflict as far as I can tell.

That's why I was so excited to find this welcoming space on the web, with wonderful people like you who fully understand and empathize and share, a place where I can get things like this off my chest without fear that I'll be harshly judged for it.

Well, there, I've rambled on again. This is just a great place to talk, it's hard to be quiet.

Hugs and love,

Hi Sara,

>As for why I feel guilt--that's pretty complicated. Guilt because my wife feels hurt by this. I've tried to explain to her that it's not a reflection on her or how I feel about her, but that it's something as much a part of me as being left handed--and that maybe part of what she loves in me is that side of me. <

I've learned to separate (or try to, at any rate) my understanding of the hurt others may feel because of what I do and the hurt they feel because of who I am. I can no longer accept responsibility for the latter. I'm not any less compassionate; I just feel much, much less guilty when I see that I cannot be anything or anyone other than what, and who, I am, whether this hurts someone else or not. Crossdressing, much like left-handedness, can't be "ironed out" of someone (although God knows how many teachers I had as a kid who tried to beat my own left-handedness out of me with a ruler--a very sharp, metal ruler!). I think you should concentrate on making her understand that it is, indeed, maybe that very part of you that gives you the, well, the "youness," that she loves.

>But she is not willing or able to fully accept this part of me, and I have to keep it separate from her.<

Does she know how much this is hurting you, Sara? Have you told her?

>Guilt, too, because I can't help but be a product of the culture I grew up in and, sadly, while women are encouraged to adopt masculine traits, the culture as a whole disdains men who aspire to feminine traits. (I guess that's a reflection of how deeply sexist our culture remains--women are seen as elevating themselves by becoming more like men, while men are seen as debasing themselves for becoming like women. But that's a topic for another day.)<

Maybe you can start that topic in another part of the forum? I, for one, would definitely participate; I find the issue endlessly fascinating (and endlessly frustrating, too). Just a point here: if the social and sexual roles were reversed, I don't think we'd necessarily be better off. Check out Thomas Berger's A Regiment of Women and you'll see what I mean.

>Guilt, again, because I waited far too long to accept this side of me and the cost of fully expressing that side would be enormously high with family, career, etc.

Waited too long? Maybe so, maybe so, Sara. But it's never too late, dear. To quote Richard Bach: "It took me a lifetime to become who I am. Was it worth it?" As far as the cost of self-expression goes, is that the actual cost or the imagined cost?


>That's why I was so excited to find this welcoming space on the web, with wonderful people like you who fully understand and empathize and share, a place where I can get things like this off my chest without fear that I'll be harshly judged for it. <

Is that a hairy chest or a smooth chest?

>Well, there, I've rambled on again. This is just a great place to talk, it's hard to be quiet.<

No, you're not rambling. You're opening up. And it is a great place to talk. And, in a great place to talk, silence is not the order of the day.

Love,
CJ

Sara wrote:Hi, Beauty.

Thanks for your kind words. You are such a supportive person.

As for why I feel guilt--that's pretty complicated. Guilt because my wife feels hurt by this. I've tried to explain to her that it's not a reflection on her or how I feel about her, but that it's something as much a part of me as being left handed--and that maybe part of what she loves in me is that side of me. But she's very conventional in many ways, and has a lot of trouble coping with this. On the bright side, we are still together, and our relationship is pretty strong at the moment. But she is not willing or able to fully accept this part of me, and I have to keep it separate from her.

Guilt, too, because I can't help but be a product of the culture I grew up in and, sadly, while women are encouraged to adopt masculine traits, the culture as a whole disdains men who aspire to feminine traits. (I guess that's a reflection of how deeply sexist our culture remains--women are seen as elevating themselves by becoming more like men, while men are seen as debasing themselves for becoming like women. But that's a topic for another day.)

Guilt, again, because I waited far too long to accept this side of me and the cost of fully expressing that side would be enormously high with family, career, etc. It's in unresolvable conflict as far as I can tell.

That's why I was so excited to find this welcoming space on the web, with wonderful people like you who fully understand and empathize and share, a place where I can get things like this off my chest without fear that I'll be harshly judged for it.

Well, there, I've rambled on again. This is just a great place to talk, it's hard to be quiet.

Hugs and love,

Hi Sara,

Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions. I understand more now.

As you can see from the responses there are lots of people who can share or empathize with your experiences. There are also those who are able to share your experiences. I believe we all appreciate them.

Thank your for the nice compliments. I'm not good at accepting flattery because I realize I'm really no one of consequence. There are so many people, like yourself, who are far better than me. So I rejoice in all you are and am flattered you would say such nice things about me.

I also feel this board especially is filled with lots of loving people.

Thanks again for taking the time to answer those questions. It REALLY does make sense to me now, but it didn't before. Well, sortof, but not as much as it did when you explained yourself.

I look forward to reading more from ya'!

Beauty

Hello, Beauty.

Thanks for your reply and sympathetic understanding. You are far too modest about yourself--the empathy and compassion you show in your posts is one of the reasons I was willing, even anxious to join this forum. Now, I can hardly wait to get here each day, and when I miss a day it's like missing a chance to connect with good friends.

Love,

Beauty: By the way--a post at 4:30 in the morning :!: :o You are a girl for all hours.

lol.. thanks Sara.

I also noticed that I make typos that early too.

Again, thank you for you nice words of support for myself, and especially the support for Shannon and Sharon's forum!

Read you later!

Beauty