Crossdressers-Haven.com

Here we go….
As a young boy being raised in a city on the middle of the Amazonian Jungle in the Andean slopes I recalled witnessing a very strict gender separation of the activities and teachings by my culture and my family in the upraising of children. I also recalled that I slept with my mother until I was like 6 or seven years old. I used to love cuddling up to her and I remember having a hard time giving that up. I noticed my first attraction to women’s clothing when I began to experiment with my sexual feelings; I was around 12 years old. I remember grabbing and caressing and playing with my mothers panties and bras and getting very aroused in the process. I felt some shame in touching them but too shameful to try them on. I felt I would be committing a religious sin if I did. I always felt that I was doing something wrong though I try very hard to get away from it.
(As I grew up (and through my whole life) is important to point out that I was very comfortable in relating and interacting with the other boys (men) within the dynamics of the “masculine” environment. However in terms of the emotional aspect I have always seek and felt more comfortable in the company of women to process my feelings. I kind of have to different personalities one that is very soft and caring that comes out when I open up usually only around women and another one portraying a tough and masculine one that is the one I have used must of my life to play the role in society.)
During the next few years of my life I kind of was able to developed what I thought was a healthy sexual life style (no women clothes in my sexual fantasies or activities and therefore less guilt). When I was around 18 years old I started to experiment with drugs and alcohol and I noticed that consumed a lot of drugs and alcohol my inhibitions went away my fantasies of women clothes came back. Mainly undergarments and lingerie. At the beginning I was mesmerized by looking at women wearing them (I used to buy and hide many magazines to maintain my obsession satisfied) and my fantasy was to have my wife get all dressed up in real sexy outfits but one day under a heavy influence of alcohol and drugs my wife who was 10 years older than me noticed my infatuation for them and suggested that I put on her lingerie and undergarments. I loved it from the beginning and we developed a morbid routine where I would get really intoxicated with drugs and alcohol and then she will dress me up (she would seem to get off on doing this by kind of playing the role of perverting a younger person. She would also assume a commanding role in our the sexual activity by ordering me to wear them. This would take some off some of the guilt by me rationalizing that she was making me do it for her own pleasure but in the back my mind I was liking it too) as much as part of the sexual ritual. But I had to be really intoxicated to agree to it and the day after I would feel this intense shame and guilt. When I separated from her I continued to every once in a while have these sessions alone, just me the drugs and the mirror. These sessions would compete with my regular sex activities with other women, which did not included CDing.
I stopped all CD activity when I got clean and sober about 12 years ago. During my recovery I have dealt with the profound shame of my past (including dressing up) and the question of “why do I like to do it”. My first conclusion after analyzing myself and some reading was that that the heavy abuse of drugs and alcohol was causing my mind to drift from one gender to the other thus creating a sense of gender confusion due to the drugs. I have thought and thought and question this theory (mainly because my sexual preference never changed or drifted. My attraction to women actually intensifies during my CD activities) until a few years ago because the inclination will not go away even (and I would not act on it because of fear of relapsing into the drug world again). I entered a second level therapy program to deal with the underlying issues of recovery and I found an older women counselor who I was able to (for the first time) confess my CD sins, inclinations and fantasies in a “reveal your deepest secret” session. I was surprised when she told me that she didn’t see any thing wrong with my dressing up fantasy as long as I didn’t have to get drunk over it. (It is interesting to point out that my CD activity is totally connected to my sex life. My desire to dress comes with the desire to have sex. I don’t know what that is about. May be you girls can explain me) She mentioned as an option, to learn to do it sober. That was 12 years ago and it has taken me all this time to begin to do it. I found a very nice person who I became friends with and I confided on this fantasy. She has been very supportive and understanding. She joined the forum and then introduced me to CJ off line who brought me here.
I apologize for my terrible English and length of this posting and for boring all of you with what I think is my unique situation. But thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope your comments will help somebody in some way or trigger some comments that will make me feel better about this part of my life.

Hi Mariaa--
Your English is good, and very readable. So don't worry about that.
Your post registered high on my pain meter. I'm glad you're now clean and sober, and have some therapy behind you. It makes the journey so much easier when you have someone like that to talk to.

There is a current post by CJ called "Dressing and Sexuality," and you might want to look at that. CDing and sexuality occur together in the beginning for many of us, but as time goes on this link between the two doesn't always stay the same.

Your CDing may still be a problem for you, but it's so much better when it isn't part of being out of control (as in being on drugs and alcohol), and then regretting it the next morning.

Reading about the masculine side you were able to display made me sad. Maybe you didn't mind doing this at the time, but in reading it I felt like you might have gone to extremes with this. I am proud of what I was able to do with a male personality, but I am glad now to have a separate life that has more female qualities. I never knew how much I needed it until it appeared.

There is a lot of experience to draw from here. Happy reading, and thanks for sharing your story with us.
A

Maria,

Thankyou for your post. I also found your English to be quite good, and would not have suspected it was not your first langauge.

I do still hear pain in your post as you struggle to understand this thing that we all share. I too spent countless years living in guilt and shame, until I finally just decided I would no longer be ashamed.

I personally don't feel a link between crossdressing and my sexuality so I may not be of much help there. While I did find dressing sexually arousing once I started puberty, I must admit it did not take much to arouse me. My dressing seems to fill a deeper need of the inner person I am.

I hope this helps, and thanks for sharing with us.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hi all,

Awesome post, Maria!

I think this is the first time I hear so much from you in one sitting. Cool! You'll see that, as you go (and regardless of which direction your CD'ing is headed), just talking about it is a balm for the soul. In that sense, this forum can be (and, for me, is) very therapeutic. The sense of community you get from being here (or, really, from being anywhere where you know people understand what you've been, and are, going through) is very liberating. This feeling that you belong somewhere is a bulwark against shame, against guilt, against fear, against loneliness... things we often use drugs or engage in other forms of self-destructive behaviours in order to deal with.

Two things in your post especially strike a chord with me. One is the experience of "forced feminization." It's a very popular notion with many crossdressers (and I mean many). CD fiction is often focused around this theme. I think you hit the nail right on the head (to use an admittedly very "male" image ); the notion is popular--both in real life and in fiction--because it somehow absolves us of any responsibility in our own crossdressing. It's a guilt- and shame-reducing strategy, as in, "It's not my fault... she forced me into it." Of course, we all know that this is a fiction as well. We enjoy dressing up (especially if it's for sexual reasons) regardless of who's "in charge." As someone who has certain submissive inclinations, I can still testify that "being forced to dress" can become a bit of a pain or a chore if carried too far outside the bedroom.

Another thing that resonates with me in your post is something we occasionally hear about, here, on the forum, and that's "self-medication" through the use of drugs, alcohol, or even cigarettes. We want to numb our pain is what we want to do. Unfortunately, these substances, though they do affect the pleasure centers of the brain, are (as we all know) a tad unhealthy for the body when used immoderately. Best it is to face that pain and grapple with the reasons behind it. As I've said before, the only way out is through. This is hard, I know. In fact, it's the work of a lifetime. But it's the only work we're called to do that ultimately really matters, to become who we truly can be by achieving our fullest potential. For us, here, that includes realizing and accepting (and, eventually, enjoying) the fact that we're gender-variant individuals, something that's both our beauty as well as our cross to bear (a load that becomes much lighter once you realize the weight is actually in your own mind). Like Anita, I'm also glad you've gotten some help in this area and that you've been clean for a good long while. You need a clear mind to engage in the work mentioned above.

I consider myself fortunate to never having had to struggle with addiction to drugs or alcohol. I've seen too many good souls destroyed by this. I am a smoker, though. Since the age of 13. That's my own form of self-medication. To be honest, my addiction to nicotine causes me much more anxiety than does my desire to wear women's clothes. Maybe that's due, in part, to the fact that I now work in a tremendously health-conscious environment. I just can't seem to put into practice what my cardiologist and family physician tell me: quit! I know I will, one day, but it won't be because my health practitioners or my mind tells me to do so. No, it'll be when my body screams: enough already!

Anyway, Maria, that was a great post. Thanks for sharing a bit of yourself with us like that. In doing so, you help both yourself and others. Just understand that there's no pressure here; post whenever you feel like it. Still, I look forward to hearing more from you.

Love,
CJ

Thank you Anita Elisabeth an specially CJ. Your comments are of great help. I really appreciate the compassion, understanding and love expressed in your comments. Just to reiterate, yes there has been a lot of emotional pain in my past and a lot of shame and guilt around my CD activities and feelings. I was trying to portray how I felt at the time. The good news is that. The good news is that a lot of that has disapeared as I progressed in my therapeutic recovery. That has allwed me to open up consider experincing this part of me in with a whole new attidute and perspective. I want the support to do this as if it was a good, exciting and healthy adventure instead of a sin. I am very interested about this topic of the connection between Cd and sex (I will read CJ's posting) because in my case is very applicable. As a matter of fact for me CD is a sexual action, a sexual feeling and part of my sexual activity. Is that bad ? Am I a pervert ? I don't have an attraction for CD outside of that context. Is there trouble ahead ? thisShould I try to escape from that ? I also fear sometimes that if I keep going route I will at drift into transgendrism. Fear of loosing control of my ability to choose my gender so to speak. Any way, this forum seems to be a very safe place to be share my fears and my ignorance. It feels like all of you are group very nice and knowledeable people. CJ, I think you should open your own couseling service sign me in

a matter of fact for me CD is a sexual action, a sexual feeling and part of my sexual activity. Is that bad ? Am I a pervert ? I don't have an attraction for CD outside of that context. Is there trouble ahead ? thisShould I try to escape from that ? I also fear sometimes that if I keep going route I will at drift into transgendrism. Fear of loosing control of my ability to choose my gender so to speak.

What you describe is termed "Fetish Transvestism"

It isn't bad, nothing is bad unless it hurts someone or your self.

Yes, you are a pervert. Just kidding! No you are not. What is normal for one person may not be normal for another. If it's not bad, it's not pervy, IMHO.

I personally don't think it's possible to drift into transgenderism, because I am a firm believer that it is something we are born with.

Not all CD's are born transgendered, as some dress for sexual satisfaction only, others because their mistress makes them and they like being submissive, etc.

So if you do drift into it, then you were probably born into it anyway. And if that's the case, you lost control a long time ago, you just don't kow it yet.

Hi Mariaa,

what a wonderful beginnings post I'm not sure if "enjoyment" describes how I felt reading it, as I could sense the pain there, but it was definitely fantastic to read.

Firstly, I would say that although it might seem a unique situation, that lead you to where you are now, I'm sure there are many aspects of it that a lot of the girls here will identify with to at least some degree. I know I do!

I have only been at this site a few months myself, and it has been wonderful, better than I can ever express in words. It has helped me so much to accept the person that I am, and I am sure that you will find it a really great place.

I too have felt that fear that I would "drift into transgenderism", but in accepting who I am, that has not happened. All that has happened is I have become much happier. I know how big that barrier of fear can be though, as I'm sure most of the girls here do. I hope that with their support your journey of discovery will be a wonderful one. You asked if there is trouble ahead, and to that I would only say that on all journeys, you will encounter a few ruts in the road, all that you can control is how you steer your course over them. Your sisters here will always have something to say that helps to see you through. That is my experience at least.

Thanks so much for posting,

hugs,

Katy-Jane