Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hello all,

My femme name is Mandy, I am a 23 year old transgendered individual (CD for now). My life has not been normal, I have a disorder called Kallmann's syndrome, I am missing a link in my brain since birth (hypothalamus and anterior piuitary gland link). It prevents me from smelling (but not tasting) and from producing testosterone. Without going into the graphic details lets say I never went through puberity, no libido, etc.

I am also a very emotional person, and I also seem to have many feminine qualities. Of course being the only guy in the family I have really ignored them all these years, for as much as you can. It was one of those deep dark secrets that every once in a while tear you up. Of course I was a guy and guys do not cry, they do not show any emotion, they like rough play etc.

When I was about 7 years old I first tried on a dress, and my mom put me in some makeup... red lip stick and green eye shadow. I still remember the little pink dress. I did not tell her but something was enjoyable about that, like expressing something inside. Over the next 13 years (I am 23) I have went farther and farther, first wearing dresses a few times when my parents were at work, a few times a few years back experimenting with makeup, etc. I have no idea today why I did it or do it, I just feel like me.

I started taking HRT (testosterone) about 2 months ago (to help the Kallmann's). I do not like what it is doing to me at all. I have been agressive, I got so mad at my boss that I almost walked out. I had my first "thing down there" (G -rated) and I did not really like it at all. Girls do not turn me on at all, neither do guys... except for one thing (not G-rated I will tell below).

I have gotten good at makeup the last few years but I have never had clothing to fit me because my mom wears a size 10 and I wear a size 14. I wear size 16 women shoes (which are a problem). I went to a crossdressing store last week and scheduled a transformation. I tried ona few skirts, all I can say is what an experience. I have no sexual arrousal from dressing, I just feel free for once to express what has been inside.

I to today have no idea why I like women clothing and things. I think in my brain I am partly female or at least borderline. I as I said do not do it for sexual pleasure or the feeling of the clothes (although I love the look of female clothes), etc. I just do it because it feels like me.

I have not come out to my parents about it, someday I will though. I do not know where this is taking me, some part of me thinks SRS someday. Of course taking new hormones has made me think about what it is to be a man and I do not like it at all... not to offend anyone but some guys are just Pigs. Everyone at work thinks I am a girl, I shave all my body hair (started when I started compatativly racing bicycles). I have no problem with wearing bike attire, expecially to and from rides. I have so many women manerisms it gets annoying when people point them out, the way I sit, the way I type, walk sometimes, etc. I guess I will not have a hard time passing.

My voice is another interesting thing. Since i never went through puberty my voice did change slightly but I have full access to both ranges. I can sing higher than my sister and lower than my dad. I have been developing a female voice which annoys my sister. My sister and I have a very interesting relationship, she is 9 and I see everything I feel in her... what a tight bond. It sure helps that I will never grow facial hair (maybe a blessing), but I will never have kids amoung other things.

I am learning all the things about CD, sexualism, etc. I can not wait till I can go out in public in femme, where it goes form there I do not know.

Thanks for all the support here...

Mandy






PS here is a little more information on me, this is reated PG 13 or ever R. It is really important to know what is going on with me for real.




I have had a couple of interesting things happen of late. I am not a very assertive person (although I get things done) but I have a friend (almost 6 years), guy. I have had interesting dreams about me and him and they are scaring me a bit. I picture me and him together, GRAPHIC, I am on the bottom getting you know, but I am not a guy, I am a girl. I have also have had dreams about going to jail and playing that role to sort of escape the feeling that I have.

BTW as I said I can not have kids, I also it is hard to have well sexual feeling in my man parts. I have what is called a micro penis, the non extended size is less than 1.5 inches, less than 4 inches extended. I do not really like that feeling at all.

I do not know what all of this means, but I am getting an idea... I do not see myself as TS but I am going in for some councling on the issue.


Once again I am glad there is a big support group out here for people like me. [/i]

Hi Mandy,

Welcome to the forum. You are a very unique person and it's so cool that you decided to open up to us. We're really glad to have you with us.

It's easy to imagine what I would have done if I were you, but living my life as you have I wouldn't really know. What I'm trying to say if I lived my life as you I think I'd feel blessed. I think you're very precious.

I'm more than a CD'r, but I'm not sure where I am on the spectrum quite yet. If you take testosterone at this age you will develop some manly features that later you may ask, "Why did I do that?" A deeper voice is the one that I think of the most, but I don't know enough about anatomy to know if you are still growing. I think testosterone and growth has much to with your voice getting deeper.

I think your idea of talking to a therapist is the best idea. If you do go to one please make sure they already have experience with GID.

It's great to have you with us Mandy and please feel free to contact me if you ever have any questions about TS resources out there. I think you found the right place and I hope you enjoy it here.

Beauty

Hi Mandy--
Very interesting story you have to tell. Life would have been much harder for me without that male hormone surge, and it sounds like it has been hard for you. Testosterone will not work to "amp up" a man with normal levels, but it will have effects if one has lower levels to begin with. That's what I have read, and you're confirming that.

Welcome to the forum!

to the forum Mandy.

Quite a story, thanks for sharing.

Why are you taking T, besides the obvious? That is, is it necessary for some reason other than obtaining masculine characteristics?

It doesn't sound like you want those characteristics. If you do decide to go with being more fem, then the T may make changes you wish it never did.

I'm not suggesting you stop, mind you, just wondering.

Your lack of libido and CDing isn't all that common, that I know of, but I do know another TG that is asexual, but not because of Kallmann's syndrome. She has just never desired sex ever.

Like you, I think the desire to dress is something we are born with. There's just this feeling of it being right.

My body produces just the testosterone that the aderenal gland produces naturally. I am a competative cyclist as I stated above and because of that I need to have testosterone in my body for recovery. I can live without it, but my cycling suffers for it.

I do not know if I am just a CD or a TS right now, only time can tell that, what I do know if I finally feel better. Now tell the parents may be another story.