On the road to ...
Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 11:54 am
Hi,
I have read the forum for quite a while and thought it might time to join the bunch. Seems to be a friendly place.
Since my early days I have had TG-feelings, though I couldn't have described it that way before I discovered terms like TV, TS etc. after and during puberty. I can't define exactly when these feelings occured first, but I from what I remember it must have been at the age of 7-8 at the latest (probably earlier, I guess). I rather quietly blended in into the crowd of boys, but I never felt that I was really a part of the gang. I was not effeminate, but had/have not a special feeling of being masculine either. What distinguished me from the others was that I had this haunting wish (certainly not to be shared) to dress like a girl resp. woman and even to be one.
Growing up in the 60ies in a small city taught without much ado that such 'strange' feelings were not at all acceptable in society. The only ones who could cross the gender divide visibly were characters in plays and shows, usually characters which made more or less funny fun out of this (mainly displaying a very awkward view of women, feminity etc.).
I never dared to delve in the closets of my sisters (would never have thought of trying my mother's clothes - as seems to be so frequent in other's stories), as there were usually too many people around in our rather big household. Though I early discovered that a towel helped improvising a skirt in the bathroom (which greatly prolonged my share of time in the bathroom) and some other tricks made me imagining that I was or could be a girl, it took finally 25 years until I got my first modest pieces of feminine wardrobe.
Suppressing my feminine self to solitary confinement resulted early in much fantasizing about being female, which when puberty struck, got a sexual tension to it as well. Then the well-known circle started: buying, trying, purging ... until 2 years ago, being 40+, I had a rather sleepless night, and came to the insight that I had to stop denial and accept that I must be TG in some way and decided that I can't hide from myself anymore. (If the internet had existed 20-30 years ago, I think much might have been different for many of us).
I still do not have found the answer where on the TG-spectrum I belong. OK, I have done the COGIATI with the constant result of "probable transsexual", but I doubt the relevance of most of the questions and the method (too much of Venus-Mars-nonsense lurking around. I for one am from Earth.). In all kinds of gender tests my results are "female" (should be "feminine", since "female" refers to biology, doesn't it.), but what does that really tell? I am still searching ...
My crossdressing would make me a CD or TV, but is my wish to actually be a woman just a fantasy of an intense CD or is it the sign of a late onset TS? Some time in my teens I learnt the term transvestism, but that was back then in terms of a mental disorder or sexual perversion. My conclusion was that I neither was a kind of farcical character nor mentally disorderd, so that use of the term TV did not fit. Later I read the first time about TS; the idea to adapt the body to the gender was and is most attractive, only that until now overwhelming fears of loss and pain seem to block for me that way out of the dilemma. If it could be done without hurt and loss, then I'd change to be a woman ASAP – it has been my first choice for one of the three wishes granted by the fairy.
Anyway, despite my constant thinking about this matter (which consumes a lot of my time - actually has increased much) my development in the last 2 years has been slow: I am fully closeted, I miss much basic knowledge and more practice about how to feminize myself. Recently I have started to see a therapist, also to find out where I might be in the TG-spectrum and what I want, can do etc. She advised me to build up some contacts and visit the local TG-meeting. I will start with that this autumn.
OK, so much as an introduction.
Xenia
I have read the forum for quite a while and thought it might time to join the bunch. Seems to be a friendly place.
Since my early days I have had TG-feelings, though I couldn't have described it that way before I discovered terms like TV, TS etc. after and during puberty. I can't define exactly when these feelings occured first, but I from what I remember it must have been at the age of 7-8 at the latest (probably earlier, I guess). I rather quietly blended in into the crowd of boys, but I never felt that I was really a part of the gang. I was not effeminate, but had/have not a special feeling of being masculine either. What distinguished me from the others was that I had this haunting wish (certainly not to be shared) to dress like a girl resp. woman and even to be one.
Growing up in the 60ies in a small city taught without much ado that such 'strange' feelings were not at all acceptable in society. The only ones who could cross the gender divide visibly were characters in plays and shows, usually characters which made more or less funny fun out of this (mainly displaying a very awkward view of women, feminity etc.).
I never dared to delve in the closets of my sisters (would never have thought of trying my mother's clothes - as seems to be so frequent in other's stories), as there were usually too many people around in our rather big household. Though I early discovered that a towel helped improvising a skirt in the bathroom (which greatly prolonged my share of time in the bathroom) and some other tricks made me imagining that I was or could be a girl, it took finally 25 years until I got my first modest pieces of feminine wardrobe.
Suppressing my feminine self to solitary confinement resulted early in much fantasizing about being female, which when puberty struck, got a sexual tension to it as well. Then the well-known circle started: buying, trying, purging ... until 2 years ago, being 40+, I had a rather sleepless night, and came to the insight that I had to stop denial and accept that I must be TG in some way and decided that I can't hide from myself anymore. (If the internet had existed 20-30 years ago, I think much might have been different for many of us).
I still do not have found the answer where on the TG-spectrum I belong. OK, I have done the COGIATI with the constant result of "probable transsexual", but I doubt the relevance of most of the questions and the method (too much of Venus-Mars-nonsense lurking around. I for one am from Earth.). In all kinds of gender tests my results are "female" (should be "feminine", since "female" refers to biology, doesn't it.), but what does that really tell? I am still searching ...
My crossdressing would make me a CD or TV, but is my wish to actually be a woman just a fantasy of an intense CD or is it the sign of a late onset TS? Some time in my teens I learnt the term transvestism, but that was back then in terms of a mental disorder or sexual perversion. My conclusion was that I neither was a kind of farcical character nor mentally disorderd, so that use of the term TV did not fit. Later I read the first time about TS; the idea to adapt the body to the gender was and is most attractive, only that until now overwhelming fears of loss and pain seem to block for me that way out of the dilemma. If it could be done without hurt and loss, then I'd change to be a woman ASAP – it has been my first choice for one of the three wishes granted by the fairy.
Anyway, despite my constant thinking about this matter (which consumes a lot of my time - actually has increased much) my development in the last 2 years has been slow: I am fully closeted, I miss much basic knowledge and more practice about how to feminize myself. Recently I have started to see a therapist, also to find out where I might be in the TG-spectrum and what I want, can do etc. She advised me to build up some contacts and visit the local TG-meeting. I will start with that this autumn.
OK, so much as an introduction.
Xenia
