Then and Now
Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 3:43 pm
I am a new contributor to this website although I have visited and infrequently posted elsewhere. I have been checking in here daily and find a great deal more understanding and acceptance of the multi-level nature of crossdressing.
So, without much further prefacing, here goes....
I can remember being fascinated with girls, girls clothing and girls hairstyles since at least age 5 or 6. I have a very vague recollection of some incident where I think my Dad and one of his friends fixed my longish little boy hair to look like a girl, complete with hair ribbon. I just remember the strange and vaguely pleasant warm feeling I had.
I always remember paying attention to the girls in grade school and feeling jealous of the pretty dresses and long hair that they had. I think I just wanted to experience what it felt like to wear those sweet clothes and wear my hair like a girl.
I really didn't act on those feelings until about age 12 when I found myself home from school one day, not all that sick, and snooping around my mother's chest of drawers. I found the nylons, the girdles, the slips and the jewelry and just couldn't resist the urge to put on the girdle and try to figure out how those nylons worked. It didn't take long to figure out and I immediately felt an excitement and bliss I hadn't felt since that day many years before with my Dad and his buddy fixing my hair.
I only tried on my mom's dresses and skirts a few times because she was very small and even at age 12, all but the undies were too small to enjoy and have fun with.
My dressing continued with undies, girdles and nylons until about age 15, when I started dating and thought I had lost interest in dressing. I imagined that what I had done was just a phase or substitute for the real thing of dating girls.
I met my future wife at age 17 and we had a long term relationship all through high school and college. We were married right after college and I cannot recall any desire to wear women's clothing during those early years. I do remember being keenly aware of all garments that my wife was wearing at any given time, but think the physical attraction and arousal was a normal male female thing.
Our relationship nearly ended after seven years of marriage when my increasing alcohol addiction became chronic. I wanted desperately to save the marriage because I truly loved my wife and was willing to give rehab a try and see what happened. To make a long story short, the treatment center taught me what I needed to know about the disease, broke my denial and forced me to confront my past and clean up the wreckage I had caused.
That was nearly 30 years ago and our marriage has improved steadily but not without the usual ups and downs. My membership in a 12 step program has truly saved our marriage and helped us to improve our relationship significantly. We now have three grown children and four grandchildren and are enjoying our middle age years with travel and lots of movies, dinners, etc.
About 6 months ago, I had an overpowering urge to buy a pair of pantyhose and try them on. That was all, or so it seemed at the time. I remember the thought that what I wanted to do and did was quite OK and perfectly acceptable. It took some courage to buy those pantyhose at the grocery store, but took the plunge anyway. That was only the beginning.
At this point, I have acquired three skirts, two blouses, several items of shapewear, tons of nylons and a little bit of jewlery (clip on earrings.)
I can honestly say that the feeling of contentment, relaxation and serenity I get from dressing is beyond my wildest expectations.
I am closeted and at this point intended to stay that way. I am a heterosexual male and do enjoy the male role almost as much as the current feminine personna I am getting acquainted with .
I am comfortable with this totally private activity that I thoroughly enjoy and honestly do not have any desire to share it with family, friends or anyone outside these rooms. I have had three close calls of near discovery by my wife and will never forget the fear and panic I felt when being almost found out. My wife has given me the impression, over the years, that she regards crossdressing as a perverted abnormal behaviour,so I have no notions of revealing my secret to her at this time.
My efforts at concealing and opening up the "wardrobe" are careful and consistent every time I dress and undress. I am of course always fearful of being found out, but have come to a level of care that seems to give me enough comfort and confidence to enjoy this adventure 3-5 times per week while my wife is at work. I am unofficially "retired" due to disability so am basically playing the role of the house husband (or something like that).
It feels really good to share my story right now and open myself up to meeting you all. I look forward to continuing on my learning curve and will say a thank you to all who have helped me on many CD issues as I lurked about these rooms.
I am still a novice, but it feels right and acceptable to me. I know I do this today as a form of exploration, contentment and not for sexual arousal. Although I will freely admit that sometimes I am truly turned on by the look, feel and excitement of what I am doing.
Love,
Gretchen
So, without much further prefacing, here goes....
I can remember being fascinated with girls, girls clothing and girls hairstyles since at least age 5 or 6. I have a very vague recollection of some incident where I think my Dad and one of his friends fixed my longish little boy hair to look like a girl, complete with hair ribbon. I just remember the strange and vaguely pleasant warm feeling I had.
I always remember paying attention to the girls in grade school and feeling jealous of the pretty dresses and long hair that they had. I think I just wanted to experience what it felt like to wear those sweet clothes and wear my hair like a girl.
I really didn't act on those feelings until about age 12 when I found myself home from school one day, not all that sick, and snooping around my mother's chest of drawers. I found the nylons, the girdles, the slips and the jewelry and just couldn't resist the urge to put on the girdle and try to figure out how those nylons worked. It didn't take long to figure out and I immediately felt an excitement and bliss I hadn't felt since that day many years before with my Dad and his buddy fixing my hair.
I only tried on my mom's dresses and skirts a few times because she was very small and even at age 12, all but the undies were too small to enjoy and have fun with.
My dressing continued with undies, girdles and nylons until about age 15, when I started dating and thought I had lost interest in dressing. I imagined that what I had done was just a phase or substitute for the real thing of dating girls.
I met my future wife at age 17 and we had a long term relationship all through high school and college. We were married right after college and I cannot recall any desire to wear women's clothing during those early years. I do remember being keenly aware of all garments that my wife was wearing at any given time, but think the physical attraction and arousal was a normal male female thing.
Our relationship nearly ended after seven years of marriage when my increasing alcohol addiction became chronic. I wanted desperately to save the marriage because I truly loved my wife and was willing to give rehab a try and see what happened. To make a long story short, the treatment center taught me what I needed to know about the disease, broke my denial and forced me to confront my past and clean up the wreckage I had caused.
That was nearly 30 years ago and our marriage has improved steadily but not without the usual ups and downs. My membership in a 12 step program has truly saved our marriage and helped us to improve our relationship significantly. We now have three grown children and four grandchildren and are enjoying our middle age years with travel and lots of movies, dinners, etc.
About 6 months ago, I had an overpowering urge to buy a pair of pantyhose and try them on. That was all, or so it seemed at the time. I remember the thought that what I wanted to do and did was quite OK and perfectly acceptable. It took some courage to buy those pantyhose at the grocery store, but took the plunge anyway. That was only the beginning.
At this point, I have acquired three skirts, two blouses, several items of shapewear, tons of nylons and a little bit of jewlery (clip on earrings.)
I can honestly say that the feeling of contentment, relaxation and serenity I get from dressing is beyond my wildest expectations.
I am closeted and at this point intended to stay that way. I am a heterosexual male and do enjoy the male role almost as much as the current feminine personna I am getting acquainted with .
I am comfortable with this totally private activity that I thoroughly enjoy and honestly do not have any desire to share it with family, friends or anyone outside these rooms. I have had three close calls of near discovery by my wife and will never forget the fear and panic I felt when being almost found out. My wife has given me the impression, over the years, that she regards crossdressing as a perverted abnormal behaviour,so I have no notions of revealing my secret to her at this time.
My efforts at concealing and opening up the "wardrobe" are careful and consistent every time I dress and undress. I am of course always fearful of being found out, but have come to a level of care that seems to give me enough comfort and confidence to enjoy this adventure 3-5 times per week while my wife is at work. I am unofficially "retired" due to disability so am basically playing the role of the house husband (or something like that).
It feels really good to share my story right now and open myself up to meeting you all. I look forward to continuing on my learning curve and will say a thank you to all who have helped me on many CD issues as I lurked about these rooms.
I am still a novice, but it feels right and acceptable to me. I know I do this today as a form of exploration, contentment and not for sexual arousal. Although I will freely admit that sometimes I am truly turned on by the look, feel and excitement of what I am doing.
Love,
Gretchen
to the forum Grethen.
We are all different in how we accept and deal with this gift and how we feel our family and friends will deal with it. We are here to support each other as I said and hopefully gleen some helpful information from each other to deal with this aspect of our lives.