Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi all. Thought I would describe my beginnings and a little history to now. I'm about to turn 56 and have been crossdressing since about age 11. Am the third of seven boys; no sisters.

When I was about 11, I started trying on my mother's underwear and stockings. I also tried on various undergarments (corsets, bras, etc.) and other clothing from our scout troop's clothing drives that were stored at our house. Would often feign illness in order to stay home from school to dress.

The year I turned 13 I got up the nerve to dress as a girl for Halloween. Borrowed a dress and slip from a neighbor woman who had a daughter a couple of years older than me. Borrowed a pair of high heels from another neighbor. Then I bought a cheap crepe wig. Got all dressed up and went out with one of my younger brothers. Felt wonderful to dress and look like a girl. However, the cheap wig was a bummer; I always wished I could have gotten a more natural wig so that I could have been more natural looking.

During this time I often wished that had been born a girl. I envied the many options and the pretty outfits that girls had available.

I didn't dress much through high school, though I occasionally tried on stockings and panties. I started dressing more often while in college. Still mostly underthings. But I did start buying some of my own clothes, jewelry and wigs. Wasn't into makeup at this time.

Periodically, I would feel that what I was doing wasn't right and would purge my femme articles. I would then abstain from dressing for several months, but the urge would return with a vengence. I would then start dressing again and often go to a higher level.

I came out to my wife about 5 years after marriage. She seemed at least partially accepting. However, I screwed up. I didn't let her come to grips with the fact that her man like to dress as a woman at her pace. At the time I didn't really understand it myself. Anyway, I sensed that she was not as accepting or supportive as I had hoped she might be. So-o-o it was back into the closet, where I have been until about a year ago.

Last year I dressed as a woman for the office Halloween luncheon. I was scared stiff. Dressed part way before I left for the office and finished up in the parking lot. Was dressed to the nines, with a nice georgette floral print skirt, a black v-neck henley with a lacy chapagne camisole peeking out, black hose and black pumps, a blonde wig, earrings, press-on nails and makeup. Makeup wasn't too good because I was shaking so bad.

Apparently my appearance wasn't too bad. From a distance most everyone didn't know who I was. Most of the women thought I looked great. Some thought I had better legs than they did. Just about everybody stopped by my cubicle to check me out. Won first place for my costume. It was awesome; no one knew that for me it was more than just a costume.

In the last few years, I have finally accepted me for who and what I am. I have decided to do the best I can to present my femme personality when dressed. I would like to go out in public while en femme at times other than Halloween.

I came out to my wife again after the Halloween experience and tried to tell her how I feel and about my need to dress. I also wanted to try to help her understand and reach some level of tolerance or acceptance. I also wanted to try to negotiate a win-win situation where I could meet my need to dress, but also meet her needs as her husband. Still not there; it appears she would prefer that Alana just disappear and never return.

I have come out to a GG cousin and a GG coworker who appear to accept me as is and have been supportive. I envy those of you who have had a mentor or other supportive GG, including S/Os. I hope to find additional support and guidance through this forum.

Love ya!

Alana Michele

Hi Alana,

You might try letting your wife read one or two books (My husband wears my clothes or My husband betty) on the subject if she is willing to try and learn or understand.

I too came from a family of all brothers no sisters, but luckily my mother and I could wear the same size. I dearly wished I could go out enfemme for Halloween, but never had the nerve.

Hi Alana,
Honey, fortunately your story, as you have surmised is not that much different from a lot of your sisters here. I like you came out to my wife of 28 years when Virginia made her presence know in my life several years ago and I like a lot of my sisters did not understand what the hell was going on with me, but I was bound and determined to find out and something this big in my life I felt should at least be shared with my wife. I won't bore you with all the gory details of our now defunct relationship, but I can tell you this - What Virginia has done for me in the past several years, I would not trade for anything and my sisters here on this "Island in the Stream!" have done more for me than they will ever know and I have come to love them like real sisters - which they are!!!
Keep the faith, the trip is well worth it!!!
Virginia

Hi Alana--
That certainly gives me a lot of insight into who you are. I'm sorry to hear about the "don't ask/don't tell" policy with your wife. At least YOU know you can't sweep it under the rug.

I was amused reading about 13-year-old you being disappointed about the quality of the wig. I'm not sure I would have been so perceptive at that age--I might have worn a mophead and been OK with that (Well, that's going a bit far).

I still don't know if the John and Joan Public have figured out the Halloween connection yet. What I've noticed is how FEW guys dress as women, and if they do, it's strictly joke-time, with the mophead and soccer balls. Any "gal" that looks good on Halloween, I'm automatically ready to give her the secret CD handshake when I go over to her side of the room. Thing is, if you dress twice for Halloween, you're probably on the way to outing yourself. It'll be good if you can begin to find other occasions, as you mentioned.

Actually one of my co-workers suggested I wear her wedding dress this year. Decided not to because I didn't want to out myself. Also, the luncheon this year was canceled. Would have loved to do it though!

Alana:
Your story is very reflective of a great many of us.
It seems that the more that I am a participant of this forum, I find that we the "gifted" baby boomers are more in numbers than people would tend to believe.
I have come out to an older sister and she is very supportive and helpful. We even lunch out together, when I see her, She has accepted me in a loving and sharing manner. When I came out to her, I was fairly confident that she would accept me as we always had a very sharing relationship. When ever I stay over, we always sit and chat and enjoy our conversations. She has also been helpful in "tips of the trade" and makes sure, that my appearance is better than just acceptable when we go out.
Hope that your relationships continue on a postive footing and that you work very hard to maintain them. As your nuture the relationship, you will develop the mentor relationship that you are looking forward to having.

Thought I would pass on what appears to be a slight breakthrough with my SO. She actually approached me and initiated a discussion related to crossdressing. I was pleased that she did that.

I had left her a copy of Coping with a Crossdresser by JoAnne Roberts and a copy of an article on crossdressing from Self Help magazine this morning when I went to work. This evening, I asked if she had looked at either of them. She said she had read the article and started on the book. Nothing much was said at that time.

However, a later in the evening she sat down next to me and asked if there was any kind of a CD organization around here. She indicated that the article had mentioned organizations and conventions. I explained that the nearest organizations that might be helpful would be a Tri-Ess chapter in either Denver or Salt Lake.

Thanks for all the support and suggestions.

Love ya all!

Alana

Wow, sounds promising Alana.

Think you gave her the right book! Came out to me wife after 38 years of marriage and she read 'em all, from Rudd thru Bullock and she said Roberts told it best.

Becky,

How did your wife react to your coming out?

Alana

Dear Alana,
Thanks for asking...perhaps we may be able to help others with my experiences. We had been married for 38 years, had four sons (all grown at this point), had completed nealy 30 years active duty, and had been retired about 8 years. I started crossdressing about 7 or 8, didn't know what it was--the usual processes--but didn't learn about Tri-Ess or crossdressing till '94. My first meetings with Alpha Zeta and later Tau Upisilon in Arizona always had the same advice--you owe to her to tell her. So, I followed their advice, read everything I could on the subject and had the books at hand--took an evening and told her while playing cards--the game stopped, of course, as I expanded on who I was. She took the news quietly, much too quiet for my expectations--I had exepected everything from divorce to cold tolerance...never even ever hoping for acceptance and support.

Offered to give her the books to read--she later suggested I might read 'em first and highlight certain areas we could discuss...which I did and she read 'em all...we both agreed that JoAnn's book "Coping" was the best as it laid everything out, warts and all--Rudd's books were too rosy and Bullochs' books were too dense. She attended a charter meeting of CES here in Baltimore and has been a supporter--in fact, many Christmases (depending on my involvement with CES at that time) there will be a package or two under the tree for Becky...she's been very supportive and we've worked out arrangements (for example, am an elected local official, frequently in the newspapers, etc. so no dressing w/i 25 miles or so...I could handle it but it would be roughest on her and that isn't fair).

The boys all know, told 'em separately and to the person their first question was "Does Mom know?" and if it was okay with her, it was okay with them...we have two sons who are gay and two who--ironically--are divorced, one re-married.

Hope that answers your question w/o going overboard.

Know who you are, be able to answer the three questions straightforward--are you gay, where is this going, and what else haven't you told me--and be prepared for virtually every level of response--so much depends on the prior relationship and the level of honesty. For example, she was amazed that I could "hide" Becky from her since she knew for years I couldn't lie with a straight face...



Th`e

I've often wondered why I am what I am. So I have been researching possible reasons.

I have no memories of being dressed as a girl when I was young. I was the third in a family of seven boys; no sisters. However, my mother has indicated that she had always wanted a girl. She finally got them as us boys married. A few years after I was married, my mom and dad shared a Christmas message that they had sent some friends the Christmas after I was born. In that message they said that they had forgiven me for not being a girl. I've found that the fetus apparently recognizes and responds to words. I wonder if my mother's desire for a girl had been expressed verbally and conditioned me for later experiences. Interesting thought, if nothing else. However, I'm not aware that any of my younger brothers are CD and I presume that Mom still wanted a girl.

Another theory is that age 2-4 is when most boys bond to their father. My Dad was in the military at that point in my life and was away on temporary duty for at least some of that time. So perhaps, I bonded more with my mother. However, my first dressing was at age ll or 12.

A year or so before my first dressing, I was diagnosed with aplastic anemia (a severe blood disease). I was placed on a steroid treatment, testosterone and cortisone, to push me into puberty, since adolescents apparently had a better chance of survival. I have often wondered if that treatment triggered the crossdressing. In my research, I have found that excess testosterone is apparently converted into estrogen by the body. Again, an interesting theory. Also, because of the illness I did less active sports and more passive activities.

A GG cousin that I have come out to has spoken with my mother. Apparently my mother told her that I was the prettiest of the boys and should have been a girl. Again, some thoughts on my mother's desire for a daughter that may have transferred to my subconcious.

Anyway, I'm not so interested in the why anymore. I've come to accept that I am what I am and want to make the most of it while I still can.

I would also like to let my mother know that perhaps she had more of a daughter than she ever knew. However, my cousin doesn't think that telling her at this point would be beneficial; Mom is in her early to mid- eighties.

Anyway, some thoughts on why I might be CD.

I must admit candi that dressing en femme is fairly sensual as well! long as one is happy as youve said- thats what counts

Thought I would post what might be considered another small step for my wife.

I got my ears pierced about a month ago with her apparent, though grudging acceptance and support. This last weekend I told her that I hadn't thought about it before, but my piercings may result in another round of girlie items during this year's office Secret Santa event. Depending on who gets my name, particularly if its one of the women, I could very well get a bunch of different earrings. I could also receive them from unofficial Santas, just for the fun of it.

My wife seemed excited about the prospect of my receiving all sorts of earrings and indicated that she would like to see what I might get. This is a more positive reaction than that which she displayed when I received girlie items a couple of years ago after my Halloween dressing. Any way, we'll see what happens and how she reacts to it.

The glee and apparent interest that she displayed about what might happen appears to possibly be another small step in her acceptance. I hope that is the case.

Love ya!

Alana

Yes Alana, these are indeed the small baby steps we call progress. Enjoy them while remaining mindful that steps sometimes go back and forth before we finally get to where we want to go. Thanks for sharing.

Stephanie