Crossdressers-Haven.com

From time to time I find it nice to reminisce and think about the very first times I can recall the attraction of female clothing. It all seems so long ago and I was very young, (pre school) when I first started dressing in girls clothing. I had three sisters and three female cousins who lived next door and the best I can recall is that I joined in their dress up play times and although I can't recall specifics now, I do recall getting into trouble when I started school and acted up something terrible when I couldn't go to school dressed as my sisters and cousins were.

Although in my childhood days I had absolutely no idea of what was going on inside me or why I felt as I did, I do know that even at a young age there was a fear that I was doing something which was wrong, even if it all seemed so right to me.

I guess the most difficult time in my life was during puberty years. Those years were some of the most anger filled, distressing times of my life. I began to know what was expected of me, as a male, by the people around me, but there was another unknown force pulling me in another direction, which made life very difficult, it was a real Jeckle and Hyde existence and during this time I spent every available moment I could steal, dressing in clothes I managed to squirrel away from my sisters and cousins. I always felt great relief and comfort when wearing female clothes, ( and still do) but continued to live in fear and distress as I was then learning how the world viewed people who stepped outside the 'accepted' boundaries of what males and females should or should not do.

During my teenage years and into my early twenties, I slipped in and out of periods where my desire to dress in female clothes overtook my life and times when the desire waned, albeit for short periods of time. I do recall many times during these years, when I look back now and laugh at some of the things which happened, such as, the time I was home alone and not expecting anyone home for hours, I was fully dressed in my sisters clothes, when all of a sudden I heard click, click, coming along the side of the house, only to see my mother pass the side window. What followed next must have looked so hilarious, here I was, trying to take off a blouse, bra, skirt, stockings all at the one time, in an absolute panic. How I ever achieved it all before my mother came in the door is still a wonder to me., but I do recall I locked myself in the bathroom and rearranged things there.

During my twenties I slipped in and out of relationships with various girls, always fearful I would be found out, which always prevented me from becoming involved in any serious lasting relationships, until I met and married my wife, who is still my most ardent fan today. I did keep my secret from her for many years, always hoping that one day, the female inside me would leave, but on the other hand I guess I always knew 'she' was the dominant one and one day would exert her authority, it just needed a catalyst to trigger her emergence.

I managed to keep "Sally" a secret through the years our 3 children were born, even though there were some near misses of being discovered, but it was like a long festering boil which I suppose I knew inside me, would one day either destroy me or take a turn for the better. It all came to a head one day when I read an article in a newspaper about a support group for Crossdressers. At a later stage I made contact with them and they put me in contact with the nearest Group to where I lived. Some time later I made the move which changed my life completely for the better. I made contact and later I spent a weekend with several of the group and by the Sunday night they had shown me the way. They convinced me to go home and reveal all to my wife, which I must say was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I had lived in fear for so long that if she ever found out she would leave me and that fear was always uppermost inside me.

I was absolutely astounded that Sunday night when I came home and we sat down, then I poured out my whole life history to her. It was quite a distressful time, as I had always expected the worst, mainly because my wife had grown up in a farming family, with very macho brothers and father and also with a Catholic background. As I poured it all out, she gave me no indication of what she was thinking and that absolutely was killing me, but to my amazement, when I finished, she just looked at at and said words similar to, "Well haven't you been a fool, look at all the heartache you've caused yourself and all the good times you've missed out on, just because you didn't have the faith in me to trust me enough to tell me in the beginning"

My life from that day took on new meaning. I became an active member within the CD support group, my wife started to take me on shopping expeditions around the boutiques, we also had members of the group sometimes spend weekends at our house and our relationship and lives took on new meanings. I guess if there is one downside to it all, it's the fact that after a couple of years of coming out, I knew that it was just not enough, there was still another mountain to climb and this is where my wife backed off a bit. She is fine with the clothing and the fact I went out in public fully as Sally, but she has not sanctioned me pursuing body changes with the hormone program. It is something we rarely discuss these days even though, otherwise, our relationship together is the strongest it has ever been. I suppose there are still some hard times ahead with it all, I must make decisions one day, although my medics have advised against any surgery. Maybe some time in the future I shall be able to discontinue the hormone program and just be satisfied with Sally as she is, time will tell. Whether it's just the placebo effect or something deeper, just for now the thought of discontinuing hormones causes me deep distress. It's not easy, never let anyone tell you it is, but the one thing I do know is that our life slips away so quickly and if we don't persue our destiny, whatever it may be, whether it be the simple fact of occaisonlly dressing or right up to full blown complete transition, or anywhere in between, it effects our life so detrimentally if we deny our destiny and the lives of those around us who we love so dearly., do suffer.

In this day and age I now am of the firm belief we must do what makes us happiest, as long as we don't un-necessarily hurt anyone we must be free to live the life we were meant to. We only get one shot at this life, there are no rehearsals and it would be a terrible day to see it all slipping away and say....I wish I had, I could have, I should have but I didn't.

Well I've rambled on long enough, I do hope to engage in more interaction within this site. I do recognise many people here who I exchanged ideas and views with over the last 4 years on the Parsimony Forum and I also look forward to making new friends......I'll just leave you with these thoughts.

"When next you pass a lady, as she walks quickly the other way,
Be careful how you see her beyond the light of day,
She may just be a sad and lonely soul, her gender so misread,
Just seeking out solutions to all the confusion inside her head.
She wishes it were different, but knows it'll never be,
The girl reflected in his minds eye, the man reflected is she."

Kind Regards to all........Sally.

It is very late as I write (12:24 AM local) but I just had to take a minute to complement you on your wonderful storytelling. It is very well written, and touches me in many personal ways. I see now I must compose my thoughts and publish my story.

I look forward to getting to know you much better in the weeks to come.

Bernice

Wow, Sally. That's a great post.

I can especially relate to the part about not wanting to be in a position where you pine for what could've been but wasn't; I often imagine that any given day is my last (no, not morbid--just slightly Buddhist ) in order to gauge whether or not I'd be leaving with too many wishes unfulfilled and deep desires unexpressed. For the same reason, I tend to be rather upfront about my own CDing, especially to eventual or potential SOs (after all, it wouldn't be fair of me not to also give them a chance to live without regrets concerning this).

I'm glad to see your wife is supportive, to some extent. Having someone in our life who knows us fairly well is a great gift. Has it been difficult, then, negotiating boundaries with your wife?

You seem to be sitting on the proverbial fence right now; are you actually leaning one way or the other? What does your heart tell you?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Love,
CJ

Hi Sally,

Welcome to the forum.

I read your entire post. It was written very well.

There were parts that made me think, "Hmm? This is the kind of story I hear when someone transitions to become a TS." Do you think you're going to go let your CD'ing progress to that change of life?

First there is NOTHING wrong with transitioning. I do have a few TS acquaintances and your story seems to be like they said. It was more than just wearing femme clothing. They related more with being a girl than a boy.

Some TS's know they are trapped in a man's body and then there are TS's who evolve and realize they want to be a woman. This is the scariest thing for all SO's. They wonder if most of us will decide to make this transition.

How do you feel about transitioning? Do you think maybe you're repressing your desire to transition because you're in love with your wife and family? Why did the doctors advise against it for you?

If this post comes off like I'm telling you you're a TS, I apologize because I don't think you are. There were just certain things you said in your post that made me take notice.

It was truly a great post and very open. Thank you for sharing your beginnings story with us!

Beauty

Just some thoughts on the original post and that of Beauty.

Last night NBC Dateline had a 1 hour segment on a TS who is married and wanted to stay married. The show followed more the wife than the TS to see how she was handling this transition. Their conclusion was the wife changed from being very supportive at the breaking of the news to accepting during the transition to skeptical after the surgery as to the marriage surviving.

Thinking about what the wife said raised a thought. We are who we are based upon the totality of the events in our lives and the aspects of ourselves physically and mentally. When anything changes in the at mix, then we are a differnet person. Example: it is well documented when obese people lose the weight, they are a different person - personality changes and how they and others interact. The wife last night noted she missed her husband - he was gone - different voice, different mannerisms, differenet thought processes. He changed pieces of the mix and thus he was not the same person. He even stated that now as a woman (s)he wanted to be intimate with a man - after all that is what women do.

I agree with Beauty- I detect significant statements that you are a TS, not a CD. Given your background as you stated, I can see why. It sounds like you are on hormones now, possibly without the wife's knowledge. If you continue in your desire to transition, your life will change. That is what the man found out last night. You are not and cannot be the same person as a result of this transition. If this is what you want, then you should pursue it. But I thought the piece last night brought out the impact of this decision on those who love you. They may not be as accepting as you desire.

I hope you can sort out what is best for you, remembering this is not necessarily best for others.

And I hope we all understand that as we change what we perceive as a small part of the mix, we are really changing who we are. This is the point I actually brought away from the show last night.

Ridge

Hi Ridge,

I'm glad someone else noted it too. There's nothing wrong with it. I think it brings up an interesting point.

I do just want to say one thing and I'm not sure you don't mean the same. I don't know if Sally is a TS. I don't think she is. I was just saying some of the things she was saying I've heard from other CD's who have transitioned.

I am listed as a Probable transexual, according to the COAGTI test. I don't think I'm a TS. I just wanted to ask Sally what she thought. Sorry if it came out wrong.

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 18&start=0

Beauty

I'll endeavour to incorporate answers to the questions put to me in the replies to date.
To CJ...I've been fortunate in that my wife, after she came to terms with it all to some degree, has always been willing to discuss anything which has arisen in the life of Sally. Many wives and SO's shy away from the facts and for various reasons they just wish it would go away, but as we know, it never does, maybe for some it does on a temporary basis, but I'm a firm believer in that it is something which is born within us, just the same as the colour of our eyes, hair, features etc.
I can certainly see things from the wives side, and when time permits I look forward to exchanging some views with people on that part of it all. I have presented several papers to seminars on gender variation and those who know me, know I have very strong views on some of the whys' and wherefors', but that's for another day.
I believe that with our partners the most essential thing is open discussion and both being able to keep an open mind and be willing to think about things from both sides. There needs to be common ground agreed on and we certainly have to respect our partners wishes and be able to stay within her comfort zone, we cannot expect them to be instantly accepting of all aspects of our feminine side, it does take time and patience. Luckily that is what has happened over the years with my wife and myself, we haven't been able to instantly agree on every aspect but through quality discussion we have been able to find common ground acceptable to both on most things, except on that one aspect, my taking of hormones and experiencing bodily changes, but hopefully one day she will find it easier to cope with, as I have tried to give them up a couple of times, with quite distressing effects, but time will tell whether it's just the placebo effect or not.

As for me sitting on the proverbial fence, well I suppose in a way I am, although my heart tells me I can never do anything which would make my wife and family walk away from me, my brain and inner self has never altered in the fact, that within, I rue the fact I was born physically male, but I believe that I made a commitment to a girl many years ago and I have to honour that commitment, till death us do part. I also see it from the fact that if I went ahead and completed my transition into surgery, then there is every liklihood I then disrupt and destroy four other lives of people who are my life, they are one of the major reasons to wake up every day, if it weren't for them I would view the worth of my life very cheaply.
I have made a commitment to myself that this is as far as I will ever take things, even though that nagging will always be with me that my journey will never be complete, but as I say, sometimes there are higher values and more important things in life to consider than what may be seen as selfishly doing things without due consideration to those who love me, depend on me and need me as the husband and father I committed myself to be.

I have friends who have completed their transition and some who are in pre-op stages, I also have friends who crossdress openly and some who are still firmly entrenched in the closet. It's not easy for any of us due to how the community views a person born male who dresses in female clothing. People attach a stigma to us which I believe is born through fear which is born through ignorance. Those who know us well as the person we are have no fear of us, but those who don't know us so well see us as a threat and I believe this will only ever be changed by education of kids when they are very young, pre school age in fact, but that will probably never happen in our life time.

I was diagnosed by psycs and medics as suitable to transition through to complete transformation in the respect that my brain acts more female than male etc, but they all believe that as I have such a strong commitment to my family and my belief is so strong that marriage is forever, there is more than an even chance that things could well go awry in the future. They took the strong belief that if my family walked away from me I may well be in danger from myself. To put it briefly, I thought about it long and hard and I know from experience that the percentage of relationships which remain healthy after transformation, is very very low indeed. From my experiences in the TG world, a wife may well be able to come to terms with her husband crossdressing, but living full time as a female is another matter. I can well undnerstand it and accept the fact that most genetic women want to marry a man who will be the man by their side, who will be the father figure for her children and for them all to go through life living in their community doing what wives and husbands and families do. When a husband alters that structure it then becomes a whole new ball game, it becomes a complete different scenario to what his wife signed up for in the first place. I've sat down and talked with the wives of friends who had trouble coming to terms with their hubbies crossdressing, I've found most have been able to find some common ground, even if it entailed the wife consenting to her hubby doing it without her knowledge and never letting her see him crossdressed, but some will never come to terms with it, and I guess we have to respect their decision, especially if it wasn't discussed before the marriage, then it was never part of the original agreement and a whole new agreement has to be entered into, boundaries have to be set and comfort zones found.

I've had people over the years ask me why I choose to do what I do. My answer is always, " Do you think that I would willingly choose to be a member of a minority supressed group, subjecting myself to stigma and ridicule, risking being ostracised by society, being the subject of taunts, stares and looks of contempt in restaurants, walking down the street etc etc?. I do what I do because this is how my brain tells me I was meant to be, I dress like this because it seems right, I feel uncomfortable and out of kilter in male clothing, I am who I am and it was never a conscious choice on my part to be who I am."

I still lead what I call a double life, I am not full time Sally, although I would rather that was the case, but I have duties and commitments to fulfill as a husband and father, but also I now seem to have found the right balance which enables all of us to satisfactorily enjoy our lives. The life of a crossdresser, to whatever heights we take it is not easy, but I do believe being the people we are makes us stronger, we have to be to cope. What the community doesn't realise is that mere crossdressing is quite harmless, in fact it can enhance peoples lives, but what is harmful is when we suffer the doubts, fear, distress, anger and all the other emotions which go with being supressed and unable to fulfill our need.

What I have found though with my experiences is that people in the main prefer honesty, even if it proves at times to be a bit difficult, most of those who love us will endeavour to accommodate our needs to some degree, I think most people accept these days that men have a softer more feminine side to some degree and the need to express it is often hidden due to how society views a man in a dress.
What makes me shudder is when I hear people say, "If she really loved me she'd let me do it"......but she can always come back with,"If you really loved me, then you wouldn't do it".
I like to see a man try to enlighten his woman along the ideas that his crossdressing is purely a manifestation of exactly the person she was first attracted to, a warm, caring, loving nurturing person who is not afraid to express the softer side.

Anyway, I hope this gives some a deeper perspective of the person I am and I am always willing to discuss any aspect of my life. I have fulfilled my life a lot over the last few years by actively helping people to find their way in the world of TG, I found it opened the door to real life for me when I was taken under the wing of a few people within my original support group. I found being able to openly express all the supressed things held within me for so many years was like being reborn and I see it as a duty to pass on knowledge to those coming behind us, just to be able to interact with people who know and understand alters life for the better so much, as anyone who is not as we are could never hope to grasp how it is, as hard as they try. People have asked me how does it feel to be different, but I can only ask back, different from what? I know nothing else, I've always been as I am and I don't know what it feels like to be anything else, who and what I am and how I feel and think is my normal way of life, if that makes sense.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

I know nothing else, I've always been as I am and I don't know what it feels like to be anything else, who and what I am and how I feel and think is my normal way of life, if that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense, Sally. That was a very thoughful reply. Thanks. I think it's a perfect example of the kind of soul-searching and soul-baring that can eventually lead us to appreciate who we are and to understand one another (meaning, CDs and SOs).

Love,
CJ

Hi Sally!

Thanks. I'm glad my response didn't make you angry/upset with me.


Beauty

Hi Beauty.

I didn't see anything in what you said which would have made me angry. We all need to be free to express an opinion and I always welcome comment and love to see other peoples views. People often point out things about myself I was unaware of, which never offends me, sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees. I have never learnt anything from anyone who totally agreed with me and I would venture to suggest that most of us who have travelled this path for any length of time come to realise that there is always something new to learn and experience, we may know more than we did yesterday, we can't do anything about that, but if we do a good enough job of today, then tomorrow will take care of itself.

It's nice to be here and it's a breath of fresh air from the other place...

Kind Regards......Sally.....

P.S. I seem to be having problems posting my photo, any suggestions to what I may be doing wrong, and no, I'm not blonde...lol.....

Wow Sally,
That's quite a story. I am really impressed by your commitment to your family. I see so many people today (without androgynous issues) who enter/exit relationships on a whim. It's stifling how many people are not willing to endure a little hardship to make a family work.
Then I read your story... very touching, very touching indeed. And very difficult, I imagine. I really do wish you and your wife the best on your journey.

With love and respect,
Kyra

Hi Sally,

I sent you a PM. We'll get it working.

Beauty

Let me add my Ditto marks to what Kyra said.

Sally, We are so lucky to have you share with us on this forum. I wish I could return the favor, but I find myself in perfect agreement.

My situation is very similar, except I have never gone for the professional assessment, nad the COGIATI test I took online generated unclear results. My mother is still alive (and does not know - a long story to be told elsewhere) and there is no way I could afford the full transition, and I have waited too long in life (I'll be fifty very soon).

You are an Angel. Now I am touched by an Angel.

Hugs,

Bernice

Hello Bernice,

I detect a real note of sadness reading between the lines of your message.

What some people may not know is that age is no barrier, a dear friend of mine had her SRS at age 71 recently, the surgery was a complete success and so far the marriage has stayed intact, but then her wife was always supportive and encouraging, just wanting to see her life long mate happy and achieve a life long ambition before the day of calling came.

I'd just like to make a few comments about mothers. The greatest regret I have in my life is that I never told my mother. She died last year and it is something i'll have to live with all my life. I always had the feeling she would have accepted how I am, but as the years went by it became harder and harder to reveal. For the last 10 years of her life I lived some 7 hours drive from her and we didn't see each other as much as I would have liked, but I had made myself a promise that one day I would tell her, as I had a real deep feeling I needed to do that for my own peace of mind. Unfortunately she suffered a sudden stroke and for 2 years before she died, (last year) she was in a coma, so I now have to live with that regret for the rest of my life.

My experience has been that mothers accept their children for whoever they are and whatever differences some may perceive we have, whereas fathers may find it much more difficult on average, as do siblings etc, especially brothers.
Maybe you can give it thought and see how you really feel deep inside as to how important it is to you that you discuss it with your mother, because we don't have them forever and mothers are sacred, special people.

I think most of us have to come to the realisation that whether our need is just to Crossdress or our needs go deeper, the need will never go away, the greater majority of us are on a never ending journey and for us to live the natural life we weren't meant to have, it's only ever up to each one of us to persue that happiness, no one will come to us and make it easier, we have to take the initial steps to communicate with those who matter to us, we have to instigate proceedings because people will never know unless we tell them. I think it all gets down to how desperate the need is to reveal to whoever it may be, some people can live their life and never feel an urge to tell anyone, whereas some of us bleed away inside with the need to communicate and discuss it all with those who love us.

From my personal experience what I can say is this, after I told my wife and those close to me, my life changed completely, and although the feelings that my body and mind are not in sync, are still present, I find now I can live with myself and the desperate distressing feelings are not there anymore. I am finding it easier to cope with now and nowadays my mind is not constantly full of my gender woes, life has become so much better since I don't carry the burden wholly, it feels like a great weight lifted off me since I shared it all with my family. Who knows, maybe my journey will go the complete circle and my destiny will be fulfilled just by Crossdressing, I certainly hope it works out that way, because it will be easier all round.

Maybe your life will change for the better by discussing it with your mother, but then only you know what chance there is for success there, as you are the only one who knows how solid or otherwise your relationship with your mother is.

As we know, from the time the doctor enters what he perceives to be our sex, on the birth certificate, our social conditioning begins. If it turns out there is a difference between what society expects of us and what we need to do, then depending on whether that difference is minor or major, those differences can govern our lives greatly, so it is up to us personally to open the doors to seek the happiness we should have. There are so many out there who give their time to help, we just have to take the first step, no one can take that step for us. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but I always try to see things as they really are, not as I sometimes would like them to be.

I wish you well and I do hope it all works out for you in the best and happiest possible way.

Kind Regards.

Sally.

Hi Sally,

I'm very sorry you didn't get to share your CD'ing with your mom. You know she knows now in heaven, but I understand that you wanted to have the experience here on Earth. I don't mean to be a downer.

Kathlene is the person who got me to tell my mom 2 years ago. She posted on the CDDF about her telling her mom and shortly after that my mom visited with me and my wife. It was tough telling her. I said it over and over before the words actually came out.

Dear anyone else,
If you're debating about telling and you have accepted you are a crossdresser. Please listen to Sally's advice. Though my mother was shocked she now asks to see photos when I take them.

She finds it funny, but she's naturally afraid for me (violence). She understands the anger some people have to gender issues. Regardless, I'm glad she knows. She told me after I told her that I shouldn't ever keep anything from her again. I said, "Mom, I think that's it."

Thanks for posting this Sally.
Beauty