Crossdressers-Haven.com

I must have been between 3 and 5, the youngest of three boys.
I don't recall the very first time I dressed or the thoughts and feelings that I felt at that time, but I do remember that I haven't stopped since.
I would try on all of her clothes - panties, bras, nighties, underskirt, swimsuit, tights, shoes, lipstick etc, and I remember I often used to pray that when I woke up in the morning I’d be a girl.

I can only remember being caught once when I was 5 or 6 by my eldest brother with everything on (bra, panties, nightie underskirt), he'd come up to tell me that lunch was ready and he burst through the door to catch me in the act. I can remember pleading with him not to tell my mother and to this day I don't know if he did or not and whether or not he remembers that day.

I also remember going to my mothers workplace every Saturday while my brothers were at my fathers (who I haven't seen since I was 5) and playing with my cousin (girl). I'd spend ages in their bathroom where they kept their freshly cleaned clothing in a big pile and I'd wear my cousin’s panties.

This must have carried on for years but as I grew older I felt disgusted within myself for wearing womens clothes and the fact the fact that they were my mothers made it worse. So I decided to stop, this didn't last long.

Then when I was about 12 some panties (string thong) that didn't belong to my mother magically appeared in the house (my chance to not wear my mothers) and after my mother made some jokes about it asking where it came from I stole it and when she asked what happened to it I said I threw it out.
I'd attempted to purge this many times but every time I would end up going back to where I hid all of my panties until one day I threw it in trash then a few days later when I thought that the trash hadn't been taken away yet I snuck out late at night and went through all of the garbage because it was the only item of clothing I had left, but I couldn't find it. I didn’t know what I was going to do…

Weeks later (must have been 13 by then) I decided to go to town after high school to steal some because I was desperate had no money and was to ashamed to buy anything. I'd go into one of the big stores that sold everything and go to the clothes section and pretend I was browsing until the coast was clear then grab some panties and go to the stores bathroom to remove any bar codes or electrical labels that might set off the alarm at the doors. Then i'd put them on and casually walk, my heart beating as I approached the exit hoping that the alarm wouldn't go off, it never did.. After throwing them out after a few weeks I went to a small store that sold nicer underwear, this was harder though as it was a tiny shop and had a security guard sat in the corner of the room, I'd wait till the cashier was occupied with a customer then pretend to knock something over and as I bent down I'd grab any panties within reach and hide them underneath a pair of pants, then I'd ask to use the dressing room ( I made up some stupid story about needing new trousers for school) I'd put the panties on exit the dressing room with the decoy pants in hand, say thank you to the SA and leave. (there was a big security guard stood next to the exit aswell). I'm not proud of this btw I just thought it was important for the story.

I must have purged items I'd stolen at least six or seven times, each time having to repeat the process of stealing again until after a while I decided that I couldn't do this anymore, they'd be suspicious by now and it was too risky and wrong.

So long after a purge when the urge returned I was stuck and had no clothing whatsoever. By this time I must have been 14, this was when I decided to order something off ebay, it had to be cheap (£3.00 inc postage). I bought some panties for the first time, I had to send money in an envelope and wait from 8:00am - 2:00pm downstairs every day following the order. But they were sent, and I didn't get caught.. I've purged them also and had to order more from the same person twice over 2 years. Then this year I got a debit card for college and I bought them from a real store online, all I have atm is 2 thongs because I can't really order anything else yet... I ordered them about 2-3 months ago...

I'd love to buy more that just panties but I can't yet...

Sorry for boring you with the lenght of this post but there is so much more to my story including when I was really young etc and loads of details i've had to miss out, but these and a few of the key points really.

Luv Danielle xx

PS ~ My debit card statement came the other day and was opened by my brother, I contacted the supplier I ordered the panties from on many occasions before I made my purchase to make sure that "thong" wouldn't appear on the statement or the website name etc, and they assured me that all it would say was "Contemporis Ltd" but it didn't and when I saw it it said "InterKnickers.com" and my mother and eldest brother must have seen that!!! They haven't mentioned anything yet and its been a few days, but I dont see how they don't know really...

Its a story many will emperthise with, it was a wonderful story, admire your honesty. Best wishes

Just a thought, could you access your account online only and stop paper statments being sent to your house?

^^ You can but you need to phone I think, I'm a bit worried about what they might ask...

Danielle x

Danielle_Moon wrote:^^ You can but you need to phone I think, I'm a bit worried about what they might ask...

Danielle x

You can say you want to help the environment by saving energy/paper in producing a statement, worried about id theft, or you could be semi honest and say your family opens your letters and you dont want your spending scrutinized.

It can get expensive, all that purging and repurchasing. I've never purged.

And I gree with Lucy, go the paperless route on your bank statements.

If your relatives say anything, take to offense and ask them why they were invading your privacy and reading your mail. There's no excuse when it clearly has your name on it.

If necessary, tell them you bought the knickers as a present for someone special (yourself )

Hopefully by now you are done with the purging and this will get less expensive and nerve wracking.

Many of us, myself included, eventually just go to a store and buy them. You can go to an out of town store if you prefer. It can make a pleasant little excursion.

There are a few different routes to go. One is a nice lingerie store where you are plausibly buying them for your girlfriend. Victoria's Secret for example was founded by a man who wanted to provide other men with a non embarrassing place to shop for their wives and girlfriends. Often there are a lot of men in the store. Another is to go to a big dept store where everyone is too overworked and underpaid to pay attention. At dept stores or lingerie stores you can make a big deal about asking for help from a sales lady or other female shopper saying that you don't quite understand sizing or asking their opinion. Around Christmass time and also at birthdays I have done this a lot for real, asking for advice on everything from lingerie for my wife to sweatshirts and pajamas for my daughters. Most women are fairly pleased to be asked for help. The last route is to go to a naughty lingerie place, the kind that sells clothes bordering on sex costumes. Most of the shoppers there will be men, although the staff will often be women.

Good luck and I hope these forums are helpful to you in coming to terms with this. Paying for your clothes rather than stealing them will also help with your self acceptance I think, since the stealing is in fact something to feel guilty about, as opposed to the clothing preferences, which is not shameful.

Absaroka

Yes, you should feel less guilty and more comfident not to steal but buy clothes. Many a guy buys clothes for his girl, especially around rthe holidays. Buying with cash over the counter will solve the nosy mail interuption by families. Think of the guys who buy sanitary napkins for their wives over the counter without batting an eyelash

Hi Danielle,
Your sisters here have given you some good advice. Their words have merit.
It does no real good to purge. Many, including myself, have learned from this mistake. It's pointless. Someone here once told me that it is a violent act. If you really think about it, that's a true statement. I won't ever do it again. I hope you don't either.
I can understand your fear of purchasing femme products in public, but you shouldn't worry about such things. I have been shopping so many times at several different places. I find men shopping in women's departments all the time. (and I inwardly wonder...) The thing is, merchants want your money. They don't care who you're buying for. In fact, I have found it useful on some occasions to ask the sales clerk for advice. As Donna stated, you can always pretend to be buying for "someone special".
You should also ask you family members not to read your mail. Unless, of course, there is some legal reason for this. You have a right to your privacy. Online statements are becoming more and more popular. If your family members continue to invade your privacy, this would be the way to go.
I enjoyed your story and appreciate your honesty.
Hugs,
Kyra