Crossdressers-Haven.com

Dear GG's
I'm happily married and love my wife dearly. I find here very sexy and tell her this frequently! As you will have guessed, I have a thing about dressing up. She's known about it for ages and doesn't appear to mind (too much), but she just can't talk about it and certainly doesn't want to be involved. I can keep it under control, I don't feel that I have to dress all the time and certainly don't go out 'en-femme' (although it's a secret fantasy of course!).
I would really love to be able to talk to her about it and in a perfect world have a little 'fantasy fun' with her - after all we only have one life.
Unfortunately, I think that until I understand her fears/dislikes I can't discuss this with her - or maybe she will never be able to discuss it? As much as she doesn't understand why I do it, I don't understand why she won't talk.
We have a great relationship so talking generally is no problem, I just need to know what angle to approach it from. Or am I being selfish - should I just shut up and keep her out of it?
Many thanks,

Lisa

I don't think its selfish to want her to accept you for who you are and what you are is nothing unusual.

If she doesn't mind it then she should be able to talk about it. I think if a couple is really tight they should be able to chat about anything. have you asked her why shes reluctant to chat about it?
has she told you her opinion of it?

take a philosophical standpoint on it just ask her questions then ask why she feels that way and if she says something hurtful just say well why do you believe that and just point out the illogic of prejudice and the harmlessness of this interest. also tell her if she truly believes in feminism and equality of gender why should some things be denied to you because you are male. sexism works both ways.

As for using the crossdressing in a sexual sense some women would find that extremely sexy I would myself but I'm bisexual I find that very hetero people even liberal ones don't always find the same stuff a turn on. I still dress femme for my partner as he is very hetero and likes me to be happy and is neutral to my androgynous leanings & i think he sees why i want to do it ie he is male and likes being male and wouldn't want to shave and dress up etc but he would not be turned on by me dressing in boys clothes. since I'm normally naked in bed this isn't an issue at all but what i mean is your wife may or may not be accepting and supportive of your desires but this doesn't mean she will feel any sexual arousal from it which is fair enough really we all fancy different stuff.

I'm not one for advice. Your best bet is Baby steps!

Hi Lisa
I am glad you want to talk to your wife,i am just wondering if she perhaps finds it embarrasing to talk about it can be quite hard to get your head around.Maybe you could write her a letter or print out some pages you find on here that relate to you, and leave them for her to read in her own time.As for hoping you could dress up with her maybe in the future, i would take it really slow if she ever agreed, you have to think if she is heterosexual it might not do it for her you dressed up,would it do it for you if she had on a moustache and a beard? Somethings take a while to get used to.

Charon

if she had on a moustache and a beard?

I'm with you. This thought has really kept me from bringing the issue up again.

Hi Charon,

I think that you have hit the nail on the head. I'm sure that she finds the whole issue really 'toe curlingly' embarrassing and so has great difficulty in talking about it. I have written her letters to in the past which do help, since one doesn't have to think on ones feet (possibly saying the wrong thing) and she can take her own time to read them. I also have made sure that I pay her lots of attention, which seems to help, after all this isn't just about me. Is it possible that she feels threatened in some way?(eg thinking that I'm having an affair with myself - if that makes any sense?)
I think that her biggest concern is that I'm about to announce something bigger (eg I want a sex change or am gay etc), which I'm not. I appreciate that crossdressing is something that has to be kept under some degree of control so that your life isn't taken over by it and I'm happy with that.
As for the beard - I would imagine that they're a little scratchy.

Thanks again for taking time to reply,

I wonder if fear could keep her from talking about it?

Fear of what you might reveal,...that you could be bi,...that you don't find her attractive,...that you find in her something lacking that you compensate for yourself. All sorts of silly things.

Or,...perhaps she is fearful that she might say something that will hurt you.

Or,...perhaps fearful that opening this box will lead to an end of the relationship.

But, not discussing it just allows it to fester under the surface. Everyone knows it is there, and because it's not being discussed,...it is obvious that it is not completely okay,...so resentment can settle in.

Yes,...baby steps,....even with opening the channels of communication.

I am new here,...and really, while I have been dressing up all my life,...an still fairly knew at accepting it as normal and coming to understand it and accept it myself. However, I have written several posts about myself and how things have been for me. While my wife does not approve,....she is slowly coming around to acceptance,...if not understanding. Some things do not bother her as much. She is less threatened by it that she was before. I think,...she has seen a growing emotional maturity, and desire to be closer to her. I think she was seen that I have even more passion for her as my wife, friend and lover. I think she has noticed a huge difference in intimacy.

Just the other day, we had an appointment together. I had to use the bathroom,...which was beautifully decorated in lavender, and was so feminine. As we left, I said,..."you've got to see this bathroom. It's so beautiful, that I could live there." She peeked and saw how beautifully feminine it was, and smiled and said that is was very lovely. She wasn't threatened at all by my appreciation and joy over such a trivial thing as a bathroom that was so wonderfully feminine.

That's a baby step,....being a man,...yet feminine at the same time. I showed her that I have feminine tastes,...and communicated in a very small way that was open and honest and was not threatening. She got the message. It wasn't overt, declarative, forceful,....it was an ingredient added to the recipe that over time will indicate to her that she has a man who really loves being feminine, and yet,...at the same time,...really has the HOTS for her. That can be a real ego boost for her in time.

I think Charon's comment is right on. I guess we percieve part of other people being women is that they adapt to our needs to be feminine. That's called male privilege...........We don't write a lot here about accepting our wife's needs to be more masculine except in regards to our 'feminimity"

Zari

There's some really helpful comments, ones that I can associate with. Thanks for the replies. Hopefully one day I can return the favour.

Lisa

....you two can talk about most anything - ask her why she can't talk about your crossdressing or entertain the possibility of a "girls" night. Initially Melyssa and I would have PJ parties where she could try on different lingerie to see what worked best. We'd give each other facials, do nails - most things girls would do at a slumber party. For me it was reassurance about what CDing meant to Melyssa and how I fit in to her vision. We now spend weeks and weekends together on girl trips or long shopping weekends. Once I knew Melyssa was in addition to not in place of my relationship with my hubby I knew I had the best of all worlds. Someone special that understands both aspects of men and women.

Light, love and laughter,
Stormy

I can't speak from a GG's view point but three of our sisters have spoken here and all I can add is if given the opportunity you need to also convince her that you are not in competition with her, it is just an aspect of yourself that needs to be "aired out" once in a while.

As Stormy said, the ultimate achievement (to me anyway) in a relationship is just what she said, to see that she has the best of both worlds in her relationship!!!

Baby steps, just baby steps!

Virginia

Lisa,

Speaking as a SO who just recently found out, I would say that your wife's reaction is more of jealousy and fear from not understanding. Until you can get that resolved, DO NOT try and bring this into the bedroom! She probably feels very insecure about your cding and doesn't know how to deal with it, so she just ignores it.

You need to be the one to bring up the topic. She probably feels uncomfortable and doesn't know what to say, is embarassed by her questions, and doesn't want to hurt you with her questions/reactions. She also may be worried about your responses. After all, this is something she may not have a lot of knowledge about - and has no clue how to talk about it. Also, most SO's biggest fear is that they will lose their man over this, no matter how much reassurance they get from the other side.

One of my biggest fears was that this was a sexual thing for my man. I was scared to death that he was bi or gay and I was just a cover for him or that he would tell me in a few years that he had changed his mind about his heterosexuality and that he was leaving me. I bet that is going around in your wife's mind as well. The only way she is going to be comfortable about your fantasies is if she can accept and be comfortable about seeing you dressed and it doesn't seem as though you are anywhere near that yet (IMHO).

Baby steps are the key... Start off by telling her you want to talk about this (but not while you're dressed up), and then give her the ball to tell you when she's ready to start talking. When you do talk, even for a small amount of time, don't dress up for a while unless she is okay with it. Many times, it's a shock to see your man dressed, and if she's still reeling from the talk, it could be too much of an overload. Give her time to digest the conversations and figure out her own thoughts and feelings, but still show her that you are there any time she wants/needs to talk.

Something that has helped my man and I immensely (and may help you as well) has been the journal we have started. We write entries every day (but it can certainly be less). We write to each other about our reactions to him dressing up, questions or fears we may have, or just feelings on that day that we need to express. Then we have a time that we talk about each other's entries. That way, if there is something that may be hard to bring up or seem embarassing to ask, we have an outlet without losing the communication that is so important for us to have. I really like that if I have a question that I may be nervous about, I can "ask" him this way, then talk with him after I get his response and I have time to think it over. Also, you may think of a journal that only you write in, but that she can read, talking about your thoughts, fears, and things you want her to know (that you love her and her only, that you are nervous/worried about ..., how you want to be able to share this with her, etc. Not all in one entry, mind you, but a little at a time. That may seem less scary for her at first.

Just a few thoughts... I hope some of it may be useful to you. Best of luck!

-Jen

Just a quick thought.....Cross dressing has been a very large part of your
life for (most likely) the biggest part of your life. (even if its been
in your mind only) Its absolutely not new to you, right. Your wife, on
the other hand, its one million percent new....in fact I would imagine
with most women, its something they have never given a thought to.
BABY STEPS REAL SLOW. Let her "catch up to you".

You will be OK
Hugs