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My poor wife of 26 years died April 7 2018 at 10am the morning of her birthday. She had suffered terribly for the preceding 6 days, really, 13 years after the first microscopic cellular changes began in her brain due to the onset of Alzheimer's Dementia, the last 9 years for myself were hell on earth and by this last week she had marked her second year in bed a corner of our master bedroom with windows on two sides giving a view of nature and the bay beyond, birds, and beautiful cut glass and a decoration she had in her apartment window when I met her...I had done my best to reassemble and repair it for hanging...a gull flying over the beach she loved our gulf coast so much and our area stretched from Apalachicola to New Orleans.

The last few days were the use of accessory muscles and intercostals in a massive effort to draw air into her lungs...aspiration after her 88 year old mother came and per her brother (sarcasm!?) "Oh yeah she was pouring it down her." unexpected by myself that a loving mother who was an LPN with years of experience would do this, yet the next morning the Hospice RN noted a temperature of 95 degrees, and fluid in her lung bases. over the last three days we stopped entirely all food and water, the head of her bed was at 45 degrees and I was pushing oxygen to her at nearly 5 liters per minute via face mask and separate oxygen bottles left from hurricane prep via nasal cannula. I pushed Morphine and Morphine and Lorazepam alternating every 2 hours day and night over 3-4 days... The Morphine masks awareness of Oxygen starvation, the Lorazepam staves of the risk of Seizures. So she was kept in a heavily sedated state completely relaxed and asleep unaware of it all. I had to hear the terrible Agonal gasps and bobbing of her head as her brain desperately stimulated her to breath. Each gasp to me was like being hit by a whip 6 to 8 times a minute day and night...I had at times to get out of the room. It was not consistent with life at as it was clear little if any air was even drawn into the broncheoles, rather she was alive due to the oxygen being pumped into her nose and mouth. I knew eventually her muscles would tire and eventually through the night and then by 10 am it was clear only her dried tongue was gently rising and falling. She was surrounded by her sons, myself, her mother. Near 10 am I stated she has had enough removing and setting aside the face mask the last bottle of oxygen having run out...The Hopsice Nurse arrived and after about 5 minutes later she stated she had seen no movement for two minutes and that she was gone.

Gosh that was so hard, but I was as I had always stated I would be unemotional, weary, feeling relief that she is out of her suffering. The woman I loved so much was taken from us about 6 years earlier, physically her brain and body were damaged beyond all futile hope. She was out of her suffering, I live on with an enormous hole of sadness and longing in my heart but I am doing as I have stated that I must which is as she would have wanted for me to live on and enjoy the rest of my life to the fullest.



*** Topic renamed and moved to correct forum by SL. ***

Anne, Sorry for your loss. May the good memories comfort you at this time of your loss.

So sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss, Anne.

Anne -

We're so sorry to hear about the passing of your wife, but know that she is in a better place.


- SL and Virginia

Nobody could have done more for his wife. The whole thing is deeply sad - and, however much the temptation is to rehash the unfairness of it, it doesn't help.

Anne words cannot express how sorry I am to hear of your wife's passing. You're a wonderful person to have stayed by her side and care for her like you did. Sad to say but, in this day and age, a person of your character is a rare thing.

You can take comfort in knowing that her suffering is over and she is in a better place. I hope the coming days become easier for you; I can't imagine the emptiness you must feel.

Just know that we are here for you; whatever we can do.

Anne, I have been around enough years to know that words can’t take away the pain of your loss. However, I have friends who have experienced the loss of their spouse and they have shared their struggles with me. They all have stated that it takes time to heal and to develop a new sense of “normal”. For most, this new sense of normal (for lack of a polite word) sucks, but at least they have a new sense of what is normal in their lives.

Allow yourself to grieve – take time to adjust – you will find a new sense of normal. It may not be what you had hoped for 15 years ago, but it will allow you to move forward.

You and your wife are in my prayers.

CE

Thank you...all. I was going to write more but stopped there and have only today come back to it. She is buried in our beautiful national cemetery, locally on the site of the VA. You drive down a broad avenue lined with oak trees probably a half mile and she will lay amidst the rows of perfectly aligned white marble stones with green grass that is always manicured on the 4th of July a flag will be placed, at Christmas a wreath, and eventually I will lay down with her when my time comes. It is comforting. My parents are at Arlington it is the same feeling only I have been able to drive to her grave to talk to her and to pat her marker prior to leaving.

I am so sorry for your loss Anne. You should be proud you stood by her to the end and I am sure she and God know that.

While there are no words that make times like this easier know she is in a better place now and watching over you until that time comes for you to join her.

Please know we are all here for you any time and for what ever you need.

I am so sorry for your loss. While nothing can take away the vacuum in your life, someday you will be able to be philosophical about it. As my own mother passed physically in much the same way, there is a feeling of relief, however small. Looking back, my own mother passed with both of her sons, daughter in law, and pastor in attendance. She did not die alone. Your vows to your loving wife have been fulfilled with great honor.

Hugs,

Bernice

Thank you...Yes, I find great comfort in having given her my best effort. Here are a couple posts

I am sorry Pat, I tried coconut oil...and other GNC concoctions which were supposed to boost memory...but medical science at this point in time still has no answers, no medication to halt or to reverse progression of Alzheimer's type Dementia. We fought with all our might and I cared for you to the end. You survived 13 years with early onset dementia and your brain and body were so damaged by the end nothing could ever have reversed all of that damage, at least your skin was intact and you were spared the extreme suffering of the final few days. I loved you and wish I could have you back as you were in 2004, the last time you were at the top of your form. But it was not a choice, just very unfortunate genetics for both of us. You will always be loved and remembered by your husband, your children and others you were surrounded by. That is just part of that hole in my heart but dog gone it...my task is to mentally shake off the mental ball and chain still constraining me and from the head snapping when I pass our bedroom, it will take time and as would have been your wish I will fight and move forward into the next phase of my life. I do believe you would want me to enjoy a full life and to be happy and to even find love again so that I can live my life to the full to the very end.

second one:

A man needs a little madness
...else he never dares cut the rope and be free. Zorba the Greek

Find something you really like and like a torch it will lead you out of a dark tunnel.

I am not sure if it is heavy caffeine but I believe sailing does that for me...dealing with the grimy dirty sailboat neglected for several years, because of the battle I had to fight for my poor wife, we fought courageously to the end, I am anticipating the beauty of nature. The sound of the water as we move through it, the feel of the wind and the spray, the vistas and the gulls, and marine life, the weather and sunsets. Islands and beaches. Sea oats shells and seafood along balmy shores at night as it rustles through palm fronds

Don't know if I will ever have another chance at companionship and love, the joy of sharing it all together the mysterious synergy mounting the joy in heaps inside my heart. But I know focusing on the coastal living we enjoyed will only help in living on

Huh...marine biology...maybe! And looking forward traveling to distant beaches to walk as we used to do, we came from the sea and there is a solace to be found along it's shores

My late condolences are passed to you Anne.

Thank you. I am beginning to figure it all out...I mean I am making progress into the next phase of my life. I will never forget her she will be there in my heart always and in my memories too...I am beginning to breath to really make actual first steps ... life is returning little bit at a time maybe at some point my smile will also begin to return.

SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS ANNE.