who do you try and look like?

[Susan Fortier]

I try to emulate the late, great Dixie Carter in comportment, style and manner...to me, she was the essence of mature, classy femininity.

[Paulette]

The image of my female self was formed in my mind when I was in my early twenties, wondering whether I was gay or what. She is a girl, teen or early twenties, dark hair, slender; but no distinct features. Wherever it is that I see her, the room is dark.

When I shaved my beard (after 50 years of wearing it) I was shocked by the face I saw. When my new wife dressed, wigged, plucked, painted, polished, posed, accessoried, and photographed me I was equally shocked. That's the avatar picture you see here. I'm still not used to it, though I accept and recognize it as myself now.

Having suppressed my CD for so much of my life it's not surprising that my early-formed self-image does not match my lately-revealed male or female image. I have to say it's a major disappointment. I wanted to be young and beautiful and sexy. Now I'm old and not even particularly distinguished in either shaven masculine or feminine form, and sexy only to my wife who loves me either way, a wonderful and affirming thing in itself.

So I can't be who I fantasize myself as, and I have no interest in joining the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (a Portland performance art political group who have beards and dress as nuns). I'll just have to be myself, except in my fantasies. So the full beard is back.

I plan on being en femme (a white tailed tux over a short velvet cocktail dress with thigh-high nylons over black roper boots) for several days and nights at Burning Man this year. I'll be camping with 30+ friends at Light & Illusion (7:35 at the Esplanade) and probably see many old friends among the 60,000 expected attendees. My usual garb there, and on any hot day anywhere, are white cotton drawstring pants and a plain while Otavallo work shirt, or sometimes a similar Pakistani kamir shamise, both of which I find sufficiently androgynous to be pleasing to me.

At night my wife, who may also be wearing a tux, and I will be riding EL-lighted bicycles on the Playa at night. She also has several Playa-bunny and Sparkle-pony outfits, but that's another story. I'll try to take and post pictures.

I've not gotten any responses here or at MHB on a search for Burning Man, but I'd welcome visits from anyone who showed up at Light & Illusion (7:35 at the Esplanade) and asked for Eric.

If you've never been, you've missed one of the wonders of the world. At least take a look at some of the pictures to be found at http://www.burningman.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;. I'd heard its sights described for ten years before I was able to go, and the first night I finally got there it had me standing at the edge of the mile-wide Playa, crying uncontrollably for an hour.

Who who do I try to look like? Myself. I look like a not untypical Burning Man attendee wearing hir favorite clothes. You should come.

As they say, the Man Burns in 16 days!