The Blue Ridge Society - meeting

[Gelinda]

Dang: I wished I would have went and just put the work off. It was my choice. But I would have een a fifth wheel anyway I would have been en drab. I am not ready to be seen dressed as of yet. Wished I would have went thou. Dang, Dang.Dang.

[Angie]

Virginia, thanks for the hospitality this weekend! Donna, it was very nice to meet you! As Donna has already described, a great time was had by all.

I was running late Saturday afternoon, so while tearing through the house like a madwoman trying to get ready for the 2.5 hour trip to Virginia's home, I made some quick reservations at a hotel. My plan was to visit a friend from college on Sunday who lived nearby. I made the drive already dressed, except for nails, which were hastily applied in a parking lot along the way.

With all of the very interesting conversations going on, things didn't wrap up until around 10:15p or so. After bidding Virginia and Donna good evening, I went to check in at the hotel. For a moment I debated the merits of changing back into "boy mode" before entering the lobby - especially since I had made the reservations in my legal name. In the end, I decided that I was too tired to play hiding games, so en femme it was. The young lady at the counter didn’t register the slightest indication that I was anything other than what I appeared to be (for which I was supremely thankful!). I then unloaded my bags from the truck and called it a night.

Since I would not be meeting my friends until early afternoon, I decided to do a little sightseeing and window shopping on Sunday morning. I spent a little time walking in the local mall which opened early to allow the “mall walkers” to get their exercise in. While I was there, a lady walked up to me and asked what time the stores opened. I responded in my best attempt at a female voice (which is not good to say the least). She thanked me and continued on her walk. Afterwards, I took a short drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway. Up to this point, the weekend had turned out great. The visit with my friends, however, didn’t turn out exactly like I’d planned.

While being very dear friends, their beliefs and politics leave no quarter for acceptance of transgendered individuals. Since the subject has never come up in any of our conversations over the past 20 years, I’ve never felt the desire to put a strain on our friendship by even broaching the subject. Well, my friend’s wife brought the subject up in relation to a friend of hers who worked at a bank which also employed a transwoman. The issue was, you guessed it, the bathroom. My friend’s wife could not bear the thought of sharing a bathroom with a "pervert", as she described this woman. I asked her why, if this person saw themselves as a female and was causing no problems, did she fear them so much. Then came the obligatory response of it being a matter of this person somehow invading a personal space. I replied that genitalia did not impart gender in of themselves (thus, this person should be treated like any other woman) and that this person would likely be in worse straights if they tried to use the men’s restroom. I continued by saying that she probably wouldn’t know if she was sharing the bathroom with a transwoman anyhow. She then stated with all assurance that she’d know, because “they don’t look like women until they start on hormones”. Well, if THAT comment didn’t surprise the (fill in the blank) out of me, nothing could; especially given the fact that I was one of those perverts out in public just that very morning. At this point, I realized that I was arguing a bit too vehemently and was very thankful when the subject of the conversations shifted.

I’m not sure what I should have done. I agree completely that women should not be required to share a bathroom with someone they feel uncomfortable with. I also felt like I should have tried harder to educate this person as to who we really are. Yes, I could have let my secret out and likely ruined a great friendship, but I’ve known them long enough to know it would not change their opinions. So now I feel like I’m a friend under false pretenses, so to speak. I still resent the “pervert” description immensely. There a bad examples of humanity to be found in every population. Why in blazes does being indifferent to society’s concept of gender make one a pervert???! Well, they used to punish people for thinking that the Earth orbited the Sun and we finally got past that. Maybe in another generation or two, we’ll see our way past this bit of fear and ignorance, as well.

Take Care,
Angie

[CJ]

Hi all,

Angie,

I'm glad you had fun at Virginia's but I'm also sorry your Sunday at your friends turned out like it did. I have a few thoughts (as usual) on the episode.

I found that the one thing that "educates" people--especially people you're fairly close to--more than arguing vehemently with them from the perspective of [what they believe is] a non-crossdresser, is to let them know who you truly are. Let them know that you, yourself, have a personal take on this. This will afford them a glimpse "from the inside" from a person they don't consider to be a pervert.

The association of transgenderism and perversion stems from the fact that people equate "female personification" (as it's called in French) with impersonation. Impersonation now has legal overtones; it's inextricably linked with fraudulous intentions. Also, a man dressing as a woman is often thought to have purely sexual motivations in doing so. Hence, the "pervert" label. I've spoken to many people about this and, just as it's usually women who don't have a problem with a man being transgendered, it's also usually women who cannot accept that there may be reasons other than sexual ones for a man to crossdress. It's a weird paradox.

For the past few years, whenever the subject of "men as women" would come up in a conversation (with both friends and family and even with mere acquaintances and strangers), I've always made it a point to "come out" if and when I thought the consequences wouldn't be too dangerous. Doing so brings the subject out of these people's minds and into their reality. That reality being that, case in point, a transgendered or gender-variant individual is not necessarily a pervert (yes, I bristle at the link as well).

Another thing to consider: you say you now feel as though you're a friend to these people under false pretenses. Yet, by not telling them of "Angie," you're, in effect, forcing them to be a friend to you under false pretenses (one of those pretenses being that you're not a gender-variant person). One thing that came up over and over again in my conversations with the people who know about me (or, rather, about "Christina") is, for Pete's sake, why didn't I tell them this any sooner? They often felt like total fools and truly ashamed of many of the things they'd previously said about crossdressers and transsexuals, before they knew that they had one (whom they consider a truly awesome person) in their very midst.

I'm not saying, Angie, that you should come out as well. No, not at all. These things are always to be pondered on a case by case basis. What I am saying, though, is that we, as gender-variant individuals, always face this difficult choice: either we remain "hidden" (and purportedly "safe"--as our "sisters" are dying, right, left, and center) and accept that the people we care about will unwittingly hurt us merely because they don't know any better or we show our true colours--our beautiful rainbow--and give both ourselves and our friends and loved ones the opportunity to relate to each other more authentically, regardless of the risk of losing this or that friendship. To be sure, both options have unpalatable elements. For me, though, the choice is clear: without the freedom to be myself (a freedom I must choose to exercise, by the way), I may as well be emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually dead, for all the good my travels in this life will do me.

I've watched you since you joined the forum, Angie. You've grown in leaps and bounds. You've done things I still only dream of. I look up to you. I'll never forget that "before and after" shot you once posted on the gallery. I remember thinking, now there's a person who longs to be known, to be truly known for who he/she is! It blew me away. I just hope you don't ever lose that drive and that desire. It stems from the core of your being. And your friends who think we are perverts are made much more the poorer for not having access to the beauty of that being.

Who knows? Perhaps all in good time, eh, Angie? All in good time.

Love,
CJ

[Loretta Ann]

Yes, I could have let my secret out and likely ruined a great friendship, but I’ve known them long enough to know it would not change their opinions. So now I feel like I’m a friend under false pretenses, so to speak. I still resent the “pervert” description immensely.

Hi all,

CJ has shed a bit of light on something that I was going to address, but thought it might require a thread of its own. But I will respond here given the present circumstances.

Defining a friendship (as being really great) with those who view you and your kind of people as being perverted, is hardly something that I could find palatable. It appears to me that something is wrong with that picture.

And I am not responding to Angie’s words specifically, this also includes family of every decripition. I find myself asking the question. “Is that all there is?”

[DonnaT]

Beep, Beep Angie.

Sorry things with your friends turned the way they did. When ever someone says something negative about gays or trannies, I'll speak up too. A lot of times they are just parroting something they've heard and haven't really thought about what they are saying, and a little education from me might help.

But you can't change every one. Sometimes I'll say, something like, "Well, I bet you have one or two good friends that are trannies. Would you stop being their friend and start calling them a pervert just because of the clothes they choose to wear?"

Their answer will help me decide whether we can remain friends.

[SharonRose]

This sounds like a lot of fun. Sorry I missed this. Maybe I can join you all sometime.