I'm so happy I just had to tell someone...
As I've mentioned before, my wife is supportive as long as she doesn't have to see me dressed. Well this week she accidentally invited some of our friends over on the night that I typically go out to my TG support group meeting. After some discussion about how to handle the conflict, we agreed that I would skip the meeting but that the next night she and I would hang out with me in girl mode.
So last night, we put our daughter to bed, my wife opened a bottle of wine, and asked "Are you ready?" I replied "Are YOU ready?" She smiled and nodded. I told her "I'll dress like I typically do for my support group meetings." She said "Go ahead, I'm curious!"
So I went upstairs to change. I put on what I call my slightly more sophisticated Pam look (as in Pam from "The Office"). I had a white short sleeve, button-down top with narrow blue and green stripes, a grey skirt, pin stripe tights (they are so elegant), and black pumps. I put on my wig and false eye lashes and a little red lipstick. I don't often wear other makeup: partly because I haven't mastered it, but also because when I go to group meetings, I dress on the premises.
When I finished dressing, I walked down the stairs and before rounding the corner, I warned "Here I come!" As I stepped out, I asked "What do you think?" My wife looked me up and down and said "You're actually kinda cute!" This made me so happy. I was worried that she would be freaked out or laugh at me. She then proceeded to say that she really liked my wig, and wanted to get her hair cut in a similar style. She also really liked my outfit, and even said that she might take some style tips from me. She was probably just being nice, but it still felt good. We then watched a program on the Discovery Channel about a woman who ruled ancient Egypt as a king (complete with FTM crossdressing). We can't help it; we're geeks and love educational programming. During commercials we would talk some more and it was basically like any other night together. It wasn't at all weird. I stayed dressed until we went to bed.
I feel like we took a real step forward last night. However, I plan to be careful not to push her. The last thing I want to do is to assume that because it was okay this one night, that this is something she would be willing to do on a regular basis.
Jamie
Spending time with my wife while dressed
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JamieG
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SilverLady(SO)
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Congratulations, Jamie!! 
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Virginia
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Jamie,
I am glad that it seemed to go well for you and that you undestand that "the ball is now in her court."
HOWEVER, sister Donna makes a super point!!!!!!! (that gal is no dummy!!)
Do!!! Get her some flowers! If she asks what they are for, just say, "Because you're you!" If she presses you, then you can simply say it is for her being so understanding the other night! Then SHUT - UP!!! Her response could be the ultimate clue in her acceptance/rejection of Jamie!
Good luck, Hon and please let us know what happens!!
Virginia
I am glad that it seemed to go well for you and that you undestand that "the ball is now in her court."
HOWEVER, sister Donna makes a super point!!!!!!! (that gal is no dummy!!)
Do!!! Get her some flowers! If she asks what they are for, just say, "Because you're you!" If she presses you, then you can simply say it is for her being so understanding the other night! Then SHUT - UP!!! Her response could be the ultimate clue in her acceptance/rejection of Jamie!
Good luck, Hon and please let us know what happens!!
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Elizabeth
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Hi Ladies,
I wouldn't get her flowers. While I understand my sister's good intentions, it could also be taken as trying to "buy" acceptance. There are many women who really love their man. Because they want them to be happy, they understand their husbands need to do this to be happy, so they go along with it.
There is a huge difference between going along with it and accepting it. Some people have very strongly felt religious and moral beliefs about crossdressing. For some, they can never accept it, but they can tolerate it. Buying flowers could make it look like you are rewarding her for accepting you, when this may not be the case at all.
Also, I don't think one should have to reward understanding behavior. I think when someone reaches outside their comfort level to be understanding, that is what a marriage is all about. I mean, that person should be special to us. They should be understanding. Send her flowers in a few months, for no reason at all. Just so she will know you were thinking about her, when she wasn't doing something cool for you. You were thinking about her, because you think about her all the time. Flowers just say it so well.
Now you have my two cents worth.
Love always,
Elizabeth
I wouldn't get her flowers. While I understand my sister's good intentions, it could also be taken as trying to "buy" acceptance. There are many women who really love their man. Because they want them to be happy, they understand their husbands need to do this to be happy, so they go along with it.
There is a huge difference between going along with it and accepting it. Some people have very strongly felt religious and moral beliefs about crossdressing. For some, they can never accept it, but they can tolerate it. Buying flowers could make it look like you are rewarding her for accepting you, when this may not be the case at all.
Also, I don't think one should have to reward understanding behavior. I think when someone reaches outside their comfort level to be understanding, that is what a marriage is all about. I mean, that person should be special to us. They should be understanding. Send her flowers in a few months, for no reason at all. Just so she will know you were thinking about her, when she wasn't doing something cool for you. You were thinking about her, because you think about her all the time. Flowers just say it so well.
Now you have my two cents worth.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Virginia
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Elizabeth and I are two of the very fortunate one's here in that we both have accepting SO's.
As to reward, punishment or acknowledgement, I guess we each have our own approach as to what "works" for us and our relationships. Virginia's approach is as you can see, immediate "reward" for positive reaction. I can not put words into Elizabeth's thoughts, but I am sure she knows Raven's likes and dislikes and what Raven would expect and accept as approval from Elizabeth for supporting something that Elizabeth did not take for granted.
Another thing, although minor and perhaps outside the esoteric realm here is perhaps she does not like or is allergic to flowers, candy, etc.
It still remains that immediate reward has more benefit than "later" or never.
Jamie is the final arbiter of this in understanding what her SO will or will not accept and how or what a physical manifestation of "thanks" may mean to her.
Good luck and let us know what you decide!?
Love ya both, - Elizabeth and Jamie
Virginia
As to reward, punishment or acknowledgement, I guess we each have our own approach as to what "works" for us and our relationships. Virginia's approach is as you can see, immediate "reward" for positive reaction. I can not put words into Elizabeth's thoughts, but I am sure she knows Raven's likes and dislikes and what Raven would expect and accept as approval from Elizabeth for supporting something that Elizabeth did not take for granted.
Another thing, although minor and perhaps outside the esoteric realm here is perhaps she does not like or is allergic to flowers, candy, etc.
It still remains that immediate reward has more benefit than "later" or never.
Jamie is the final arbiter of this in understanding what her SO will or will not accept and how or what a physical manifestation of "thanks" may mean to her.
Good luck and let us know what you decide!?
Love ya both, - Elizabeth and Jamie
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Kimberly Kael
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I'd have to agree. When your wife makes you especially happy, saying how good she makes you feel with flowers sounds like a nice gesture.DonnaT wrote:I don't see flowers as a 'reward', but instead I see them as a simple thank you.
~ Kimberly
“To escape criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard
“To escape criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." - Elbert Hubbard
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JamieG
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Thanks everyone. Sorry I haven't responded sooner, but I'm only on this board once or twice a week.
I told my wife how much it meant for me and that I had fun that night. She said it was fun for her too, but that she didn't think she could do it on a regular basis (implying that she might be willing to do it again occasionally?). She's also commented a few times on how much she liked my wig and how she covets the tights that I wore. I told her I be happy to buy her a pair, but she declined.
Donna and Virginia, thanks for the suggestion to get her flowers. I was too dense to think of it myself, so I still haven't done it. I think I'll get her some soon though.
JoAnn, as Donna says, with our daughter, dressing at home before my support meetings is not really option. My wife and I have decided that we don't want to burdern our daughter with keeping the secret that her father is a crossdresser. Maybe when she's older we'll tell her.
Jamie
I told my wife how much it meant for me and that I had fun that night. She said it was fun for her too, but that she didn't think she could do it on a regular basis (implying that she might be willing to do it again occasionally?). She's also commented a few times on how much she liked my wig and how she covets the tights that I wore. I told her I be happy to buy her a pair, but she declined.
Donna and Virginia, thanks for the suggestion to get her flowers. I was too dense to think of it myself, so I still haven't done it. I think I'll get her some soon though.
JoAnn, as Donna says, with our daughter, dressing at home before my support meetings is not really option. My wife and I have decided that we don't want to burdern our daughter with keeping the secret that her father is a crossdresser. Maybe when she's older we'll tell her.
Jamie
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ShamrockFaerie(SO)
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Flowers are a GREAT idea.....
After Joe and I had been squabbling particularly badly, I finally came to the point where I just said "You know I love you and everything I have been upset about and worried about has to do with the way YOU feel about ME." I was so insecure and stressed out by my husband's seemingly mystifying behavior that I had worked myself into a frenzy and was making mountains out of molehills. When my husband "opened up" so to speak and started sharing his thoughts, feelings, and desires with me, I actually felt a whole lot better. We started being open, and I also encouraged him to spend some time with me "en femme" so that I could continue to get to know Jen. It was great.
(Off topic - We watched that same show you were talking about.... Hapshepsut was the female Pharo's name, BTW. We are also big dorks and watch lots of documentaries.)
The following day, after our evening together my husband came home with Godiva Truffles (my favorite) and a lovely card. I did not see it at all as him trying to "buy my acceptance". It made me feel good to know that he VALUED my acceptance and that he wanted to make me feel special. It also made me understand how special I made HIM feel, and that is of course very very important to me. If your wife does something that makes you feel great about yourself, wouldn't you WANT to return the favor? I certainly hope so, for your wives' sake.
We also have a little girl (and a baby on the way.... our u/s is in less than a week, so I'll let you all know the genetic gender then) so I totally get why you can't dress at home. We "play" when Devlyn has gone to bed or when she is staying with her grandparents. We plan to discuss my bisexuality AND Joe's CDing with our children, but Devy is only 9 months old..... Too young to understand or accept any of it. It'll be awhile. Also, I understand what your wife said about not wanting to do it on a regular basis. Yes, she's leaving the door open for a possible future time, but she is also letting you know that she needs some time to process everything, which is perfectly natural. She needs you as her HUSBAND, and that will never change. But over time, she may come to accept you as her girlfriend too.... But just like a new relationship, she doesn't want to rush things. She probably wants a few sporadic "dates" with your femme self to see if you two continue to "hit it off". Try to look at it like dating a new person. You don't want to jump in with both feet and end up getting burned. You want to take your time and get to know the person.
I'm so glad you had a great experience. And chocolate (at least for MY pregnant butt) is a much better bet than flowers.
-Tiffany
After Joe and I had been squabbling particularly badly, I finally came to the point where I just said "You know I love you and everything I have been upset about and worried about has to do with the way YOU feel about ME." I was so insecure and stressed out by my husband's seemingly mystifying behavior that I had worked myself into a frenzy and was making mountains out of molehills. When my husband "opened up" so to speak and started sharing his thoughts, feelings, and desires with me, I actually felt a whole lot better. We started being open, and I also encouraged him to spend some time with me "en femme" so that I could continue to get to know Jen. It was great.
(Off topic - We watched that same show you were talking about.... Hapshepsut was the female Pharo's name, BTW. We are also big dorks and watch lots of documentaries.)
The following day, after our evening together my husband came home with Godiva Truffles (my favorite) and a lovely card. I did not see it at all as him trying to "buy my acceptance". It made me feel good to know that he VALUED my acceptance and that he wanted to make me feel special. It also made me understand how special I made HIM feel, and that is of course very very important to me. If your wife does something that makes you feel great about yourself, wouldn't you WANT to return the favor? I certainly hope so, for your wives' sake.
We also have a little girl (and a baby on the way.... our u/s is in less than a week, so I'll let you all know the genetic gender then) so I totally get why you can't dress at home. We "play" when Devlyn has gone to bed or when she is staying with her grandparents. We plan to discuss my bisexuality AND Joe's CDing with our children, but Devy is only 9 months old..... Too young to understand or accept any of it. It'll be awhile. Also, I understand what your wife said about not wanting to do it on a regular basis. Yes, she's leaving the door open for a possible future time, but she is also letting you know that she needs some time to process everything, which is perfectly natural. She needs you as her HUSBAND, and that will never change. But over time, she may come to accept you as her girlfriend too.... But just like a new relationship, she doesn't want to rush things. She probably wants a few sporadic "dates" with your femme self to see if you two continue to "hit it off". Try to look at it like dating a new person. You don't want to jump in with both feet and end up getting burned. You want to take your time and get to know the person.
I'm so glad you had a great experience. And chocolate (at least for MY pregnant butt) is a much better bet than flowers.
-Tiffany
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JamieG
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Hi Tiffany,
Thanks for your SO perspective. I certainly don't want to rush things with my wife. And I have no desire to be Jamie full-time. If I can dress occasionally with her, then I will be a very happy CD. She truly is a wonderful and understanding woman. I am lucky to have her.
Thanks for sharing your plan about telling your children. We haven't decided if/when we would tell our little girl. I'm thinking that we will raise her to be open-minded, let her see me in drag a few Halloweens, and then play it by ear.
Jamie
p.s. Glad to hear there are other "documentary dorks" on this board as well.
Thanks for your SO perspective. I certainly don't want to rush things with my wife. And I have no desire to be Jamie full-time. If I can dress occasionally with her, then I will be a very happy CD. She truly is a wonderful and understanding woman. I am lucky to have her.
Thanks for sharing your plan about telling your children. We haven't decided if/when we would tell our little girl. I'm thinking that we will raise her to be open-minded, let her see me in drag a few Halloweens, and then play it by ear.
Jamie
p.s. Glad to hear there are other "documentary dorks" on this board as well.