Getting "read"

[Jamie Ann]

     In Out and About: The Emancipated Crossdresser, Lacey Leigh has a chapter entitled “The Passing Trap.” Her basic point is that we cannot be sure of passing, no matter what we do, so the basic objective should be acceptance. Furthermore, she says that this is achievable:

“ ... none of my worst fears have ever been realized. I’ve never had people point and jeer, for example. Nor have I been pursued by angry mobs. Not once have I been denied entry or service in any business establishment or store. My experience has been quite the opposite — generally, folks are nice, polite, and helpful. If it’s not because I pass, then what is the reason? Attitude.”

     In another part of that chapter, she states her belief that dressing tastefully and appropriately is important. If we wear clothing in which no respectable genetic female would be caught dead, we not only are easily “read,” but those who do the reading are likely to be poorly impressed. The other women in a restaurant, for instance, may care less about whether we are XX or XY than about whether we detract from the pleasant atmosphere they are seeking.

“Dressing and presenting nicely reflects what’s on the inside. When I am looking my best, really ‘together’ and fashionable, there’s nothing else like that feeling! It puts a spring in my step, a sparkle in my eye, and a smile on my face. I very much enjoy showing a tasteful presentation of femininity. It’s who I am, it’s where I want to be, and it’s a signal to the world of how I expect to be treated. Dressing well tells others that I take pride in myself.”

     Finally, she notes that a funny thing happens when you no longer obsess as much about how awful it would be if someone decided that you might be an XY: it is less likely to occur. People are less apt to scrutinize you carefully if you are acting normally and dressed appropriately. It is only when something in your clothing or behavior seems seriously out of place that people begin examining you more carefully, and then the likelihood goes way up that you will not be as well accepted.

[Yvonne]

I think it is interesting that all I said was:

Your story also brings up another good point about going out: how we dress. The 'conventional wisdom' is: dress down, blend in, dress like other women. I tried that...once. I hated it. I know what I like to wear, I know what looks good on me, and I know what makes me *feel* attractive. That's what I wear when I go out. And if I'm not dressed like all the other women around me, well guess who's problem that is.

Yvonne

and the interpretation of what I said comes to this:

Dress your age
Don't dress for sexual reasons
Don't wear 4-5" heels
Dressing like a slut (or being called one)
Womens' Lib is the problem

I feel that Beauty and Deborah, in their replies, made all kinds of assumptions about me and how I look and what motivates me to dress the way I do. On all counts, they were incorrect. I described myself in the most general of terms, speaking of what looks good on me, what makes me *feel* attractive and so on, and the conversation became very sexualized, as if dressing was all about sex.

This may be one of the reasons why women don't like to make themselves look nice anymore. The minute they do, some guy is going to call her a slut and thinks she 'wants it.'

http://www.yvonnesplace.net/partners/cdslut.htm

As for it being a by-product of women's lib, I disagree. Do you expect all men to appear in public always in a suit and tie and a hat? They used to. Personally, I agree with you. I'd like to see people invest a little more time and energy in being presentable when they go out in public. Maybe some of them would behave better (or at least not shout into their cell phones). But I wouldn't hang it on women to fix the problem.

If you have ever watched teen-agers (boys and girls both) experimenting with their 'look' you will see that they are really searching for an identity through their appearance. How much different is that from what a transgendered person is going through? I remember a girl once showing up to school (ninth grade) wearing a wig! She thought it made her look nice. Her feelings got hurt that day, but she got over it too. It was just something she had to do.

Even though Beauty and Deborah are taking opposing points of view, I think they are both right - for themselves. For example, when Beauty says wearing 4" heels to the mall isn't practical, well, it is if the shoes are comfortable and you like wearing them and they look nice with what you are wearing, and it makes you feel nice wearing them and so and so on.

In Kersten's post (which I know is not the post that started this thread) she said that:

"Right off, some people were looking at me. I feel my projection
wasn't good. I kept going. I also wasn't real happy with the longer
skirt and sweater and shoe combination."

I think this hits the nail on the head. The most important thing, in my opinion, wasn't how she was dressed, but how she felt about it. Because how she felt affected how she was perceived. And the perception should be "I'm OK with this and you should be too." In order to reach the point of being able to say "I'm OK with this," a lot of self-acceptance has to take place first.

I 'm not trying to start an argument. I know I tend to take a point of view that is uncoventional, but it troubled me the way the discussion veered into some orthogonal issues, like women's lib or a dress code for crossdressers or how women *should* dress and how it quickly took on sexual overtones.

Regards
Yvonne

[Virginia]

Ah ha! Beauty, you brought up the 4" - 5" heels = I thought it was moi?!
As for MY mini's and please note there are such things as micro-mini's which I wear all the time with 6" platform heels - UH that's a joke girls!!!!
The point for me and what I was trying to hopefully reinforce Yvonne's statement (which evidently failed miserably) was that when I go out, for example to a movie, I will NOT dress in ill-fitting jeans, ratty sweat shirts, half-assed make-up and unkept hair. If that is blending in I want no part of it!! I present myself as a good looking, middle aged, women who still has a nice figure and legs to die for!!! My mini's are slightly above the knee and a bit tight as I have (pardon this ) a nice ! I do not look or dress like a "slut" as I don't want the uninvited attention and it does reflect badly on my sisters ( honestly, I do take that into consideration when I dress). I was prasing Yvonne for her independent thinking as to dressing in what she feels is her!!!! I like to dress more upscale, nice, silk blouses, proper make-up, nice hair, and if my skirts offend - tough!!! NO brag, just fact. I bench press over 400 pounds, squat in the mid-500's and have a black belt in TKD as well as 5 years of Norhtern Kung Fu. I also trained for a while with Navy SEALS. I don't want to be hassled, but should someone so choose - well!!!
No offense to Yvonne or Beauty, we all have our opinions and I think we were all on the same page it is just difficult sometimes to put these things in words that everyone sees the same way.
Love you girls.
Deborah

[Loretta Ann]

I guess I must be the Dumb Blond here. It appears to me that all of you are saying the same thing.

I strongly believe that one should dress the way they feel is right for them selves. It is of utmost importance that one live in harmony with the way they feel, and if they find out that isn't working for them..... Well then adjustments will have to be made.

[Kersten Lee]

Deborah and others,

Beauty was probably right that I wrote what I wrote in the wrong place
or thread. I tend to respond to things when they touch me. I am sorry
if I directed you thoughts into a different area. I was questioning
myself as I now don't know if I could handle a serious direct putdown.
The girls were just girls even though it upset me. It really wasn't that
big a deal. But it made me think again of much worse possibilities and then I saw your question.

Everyone did give me a lot of good input. The post on the book did
describe the feelings I had when things didn't go so good. Part of
my negative feelings did stem from my "look". I feel much more fem
and happy in an above the knee skirt or jumper.

I actually didn't want to end on a bad note that bad night. I went home
and got thinking. I put on a black brushed cordurory jumper that is 3
inches above the knee and changed to opaque black panty hose,
which I felt minimized the shortness of the jumper. My wife thought it
was to short. I went back to the video store. I felt much more myself.
There were 13 people there. Two children, mixed adults and ages,
and three employees. It went great and all were doing their thing or
if I was noticed by others all were very polite and nice. Checking out
was friendly.

I will just have to work at my comfort level and the need to blend also.

Thank you to all and especially Deborah for starting this.

Kisses,
Kersten

[Beauty]

Hi,

Wow.. sorry about my post turning things up a few degrees. Yvonne and Deborah, after we all read this would it be ok to delete our posts?

Darlene you're right we all were saying the same thing. Deborah said it best when she pointed out this medium we're communicating in can be perilous. If I'd been able to ask the question in real time this misunderstanding would have lasted 5 seconds.

Yvonne, I knew I missed it just by reading your first sentence. I literally said out loud, "Uh oh" I understand and I'm sorry it didn't come across the way I wanted it to. What you caught was me asking a question of "Is this what you meant?" and I got caught up in my visions of someone in 4" stilettos (left that word out) and I left it open to think of perhaps comfy 4" shoes. I was thinking of some of the outfits you mention in your link.

Deborah, you are very wise. I now understand what you meant to.

I think we're all good. Sorry!!!

Beauty

[RikkiOfLA]

Beimg read can be a good thing!

Of course, I mean, when people who see us have a suspicion that we're crossdressers. No one ever knows for sure (unless we tell them, show them our ID, etc.). And I'm not talking about public ridicule, violence, blackmail, etc.

Every time we're read, we make a positive statement. Yes, I'm crossdressed! Yes, crossdressing is ok! We make the world a little safer for our sister crossdressers, transgendered people, transsexuals, gender benders, etc.

Most of the time when you're read, you have no idea. Most people have learned to be very cool about it--jaws don't drop, they don't double-take, nothing like that.

You're not the first crossdresser they've seen, and you won't be the last.

And life goes on.

Nothing wrong with that, IMHO.

[Yvonne]

mea culpa

No apologies are necessary. No harm has been done. But I would rather not delete the posts. There is some good stuff in all of them, and people seemed to have gotten things out of it.

Rikki of course is right. Being out and visible is the best thing for the transgender community as a whole.

Regards
Yvonne

[Beauty]

[Anita]

Such a good thread! In the beginning, passing is seen as diving into a pool from a great height. After awhile, passing is more like noticing there's water around you as you swim along doing your laps.

I do get treated with respect and courtesy out there, and that is all I ask for. Like Lacy Leigh, I was prepared for a much rougher time of it, and it's never happened.

On blending in: the first time I wore dress pants as a woman, I felt "robbed." Like, I'm going out, but I might as well be going out in a baseball uniform. Gradually, I got used to this version of Anita, and now it's OK with me.

But the fifteen-year old girl in me is alive and well, and loves the events where I can go in high heels and high skirts, too. It should never be overlooked that we are NOT the same age in our female selves--we have a lot of catching up to do. My "girl" didn't get to be fifteen when I was fifteen.

My last word on this is to get a trusted gg advisor, that you can ask about style. I don't mean that we've got to be authentic down to the last strap on our shoes, but there's lots of little details that we can miss.

I made some very obvious mistakes in the beginning, like wearing a blouse backwards. Collar buttons are always on the front of men's clothing, whereas women's clothing has collar buttons on the back.
But there are a lot of more subtle details that are also important, and a woman can take them in at a glance.

I have a clothes designer that I go to, and she says, "yep," "nope," and "maybe" to my choices and preferences. I feel much better out there, and slowly I also pick up her sense of what works. It's the training my mother never got to give me.
Anita

[Lorna]

Most CDs I have spoken to generally prefer to 'pass' as best they can, hence they tend to remain VERY low key when out in public.

But there is a percentage of us out there who do want to turn it up a few notches. They want to spruce it up. As long as they are prepared to deal with any possible consequences, more power to them. Dress it up glam and funky, and be happy!

As for me personally, how I dress depends on several factors: 1) my mood, 2) my destination and 3) am I travelling privately in a friend's car or taking public transportation?

When travelling to the city on the train I will dress more conservatively as there are lots of college kids on the train drinking, laughing and shouting. So I really don't want to call any unnecesarry attenton to myself.

But on certain nights out (my only time to dress now) I will totally go crazy! The skirts are short, the makeup stands out, and the boots are high! And the reasons for that are: 1) I feel very comfortable doing so because I am travelling in a private vehicle to a specific destination where everybody knows me, 2) 95% of the GGs there are dressed just as provocatively in their sexy goth/punk getup, and 3) Friday night! Life is short. I spend all week "following the rules". Friday night is MY time to dress as I please.

If I was so worried about following some "dress code" then I wouldn't be CDing at all. But everyone should maintain their own comfort levels of dress, and that's just fine.

[Kersten Lee]

Hi All,

Lorna, I hear you, but I hope if I step on your toes that you will give
me a chance to appologize before you step on my head. JK.

I liked the comment that going out read or not we do a little to help
in breaking the barriers. I've been a mouse and have been told
before that I do contribute to our cause. I couldn't believe that
about myself because I scare myself sometimes at the limits I push.
After being called out as a man, it's true I didn't go back through there
but I didn't give up or fold. Maybe I do contribute a little just by
going out.

It's nice to feel part of our group and not just a hanger on. Thanks,
everyone.

Kersten

[Beauty]

Kersten,

By going out, you join the ranks of a proud few. You help CD'rs by introducing us to the world.

You're not just doing a small part, you're playing a HUGE part in the lives of CD'rs everwhere. You are a law abiding citizen who has operated as a consumer in society. That might not seem a lot, but it is. When you meet someone and it's not a bad experience, you educate someone who may teach someone else tolerance.

Rikki, Sally, Lorna, Yvonne, Anita, Deborah, Sharon Rose and all the others who have gone out are helping us.

Thank you for posting Kersten.

Beauty

[Lorna]

Hi All,

Lorna, I hear you, but I hope if I step on your toes that you will give
me a chance to appologize before you step on my head. JK.

I liked the comment that going out read or not we do a little to help
in breaking the barriers. I've been a mouse and have been told
before that I do contribute to our cause. I couldn't believe that
about myself because I scare myself sometimes at the limits I push.
After being called out as a man, it's true I didn't go back through there
but I didn't give up or fold. Maybe I do contribute a little just by
going out.

It's nice to feel part of our group and not just a hanger on. Thanks,
everyone.

Kersten

Rock on, girl! You're doing a fantastic job - just like Beauty said, you're among the proud few who venture out.

PS - I would never step on any of my sisters heads, even if I was wearing open toe shoes that day... LOL

*hugs*

~ Lorna

[Anita]

I don't recall a posting like Beauty's before, but it is so true that everyone of us helps the cause when we go out. I have watched Lorna in her "natural" habitat, the clubs of Manhattan, and she gets in lots of public relations in a single night!

In the big picture, though, every outing is important. I don't care if you walk the block in a small town at 2am--everyone starts somewhere. And you're out there with the people, Kersten, taking the good and the bad as it comes.

I had one very bad day, right near my beginnings, and it was so bad it was funny. I had three "reads" within an hour, where the people reacted strongly. One older woman did such a double-take that she looked like a cartoon character. A guy burst out laughing in nervousness. A woman looked at me with a "What is THIS?" kind of smile.

I was annoyed at all this, but it wasn't my first time out, and I knew it wasn't always so crazy. I still wanted to check out foam pads at a boutique in San Francisco, and I was NOT going home to change. Big mistake! The boutique was in the Hispanic part of SF, and the district is teeming with people.

I had to park six blocks away, and my, those were long blocks! "Hey, Chica! Muy Bonito!" " Que Bueno!" All the attention was "good" attention, I guess, but I wanted to crawl in a hole. That was the first time I realized how women do not always want to be the center of attention when walking down the street.

But I made it home, and so did you. And you went out again, and so did I.
A